Since some baseball fans actually care about more than just how the Cubs’ pitchers or hitters are going to do this year (I’m not sure who those people are, but chances are they exist), it’s time for a preview of the other 29 teams (and the Cubs, of course).

Last year, I’m sure that I picked all six playoff teams right (actually, I think I got two), and who didn’t know that the Rockies would go to the World Series (certainly not me, I thought it was going to be the Dodgers or something).

So you couldn’t find a better expert than me (unless you asked a homeless person or anyone who has lost brain function for more than 15 minutes at some point during their life).

In other words, you came to the right place (if banality is your thing–and no that’s not something that involves Jim Edmonds or a banana).

We’ll pick the final order of finish in each division, give you the league MVPs, Cy Young winners, Rookies of the Year and Managers of the Year. You can take them to the bank (they’re about as stable as a sub prime mortgage at this point.)

American League

East

1. New York Yankees — How can you pick against them when you see Joe in his true element? Uh…OK, skip that. It’s going to be bloodsport again when the Yankees and Red Sox clash for the East title, but with a second really good team added to the AL Central, it’s likely that even more will be at stake this time. The team who finishes second in the East is used to going to the playoffs anyway. That might not happen this year. I’m giving a very slight edge to the Yankees because the Red Sox have already lost one starting pitcher (though losing Curt Schilling at this stage might not be a bad thing) and Josh Beckett showed up for spring training looking like he wants to be in a NutriSystem commercial…next year. The Yankees offense is always great, and I like their young pitchers. What I don’t like is the backend of their bullpen if anything happens to Mariano Rivera. They’ve got The Farns and LaTroy stashed down there. Wait, maybe I already want to change my pick…

2. Boston Red Sox — Manny Ramirez is going to have a great year, but JD Drew’s already giving off vibes that he won’t be around for 300 at bats. Their offense isn’t as deep as the Yankees, but their pitching is a lot deeper, if healthy. I just think their season’s already screwed by having to fly to Japan (look what it did to the 2000 Cubs–never mind, they’d have sucked in any time zone) then starting the season on the road (19 days on the road before and during the start to the season). Besides, if they keep winning it just makes Bill Simmons all the more insufferable. His writing’s better when there’s some angst to feed off.

3. Toronto Blue Jays — If you want to make yourself look smart you pick the Jays to finish second in the division. You’ll look smart until June anyway. It’s got to be frustrating to be in the same division as both the Yankees and Red Sox. Toronto has three good starters (Roy Halladay, AJ Burnett and Dustin McGowan). BJ Ryan’s health is pretty important. But what makes me nervous about them is that while Vernon Wells will be a lot better this year and Alex Rios is good, they’re relying on David F’ing Eckstein and Scott Rolen (and Rolen’s already hurt–surprise!).

4. Tampa Bay Devil Rays — Figures that the first year they figure to be able to make a serious run at .500 the season starts with their ace pitcher Scott Kazmir hurt. But with Baltimore giving off a 1962 Mets feel, the Rays can’t finish last this year, even if they tried. They’ve got a lot of players who make fantasy owners drool like Carl Crawford and BJ Upton and anybody who got Carlos Pena on the cheap last year. They’ve also got Cliff Floyd, so they can look forward to his three or four homers this year.

5. Baltimore Orioles — I hope they enjoy finishing 55-107 with Brian Roberts. No, I’m not bitter, why do you ask?

Central

1. Cleveland Indians — They won 96 games last year and should be better this year. They’ve got good starting pitching, one of those weird, good, bullpens where of the guys who pitch the last three innings the closer is the worst one, and Grady Sizemore didn’t have a great season last year. He should this year. Everybody’s picking the Tigers, and it’s going to be close, but I’m sticking with Cuayhoga’s finest.

2. Detroit Tigers — Miguel Cabrera’s a great player, and he stopped his yearly progression towards the rotund by showing up for camp merely sloppy fat instead of obese. But offense wasn’t their problem last year and it won’t be this year. Their bullpen is weak, and they really needed to add a starting pitcher, and adding Dontrelle Willis won’t cut it. Unless Dontrelle came equipped with a time machine.

3. Minnesota Twins — They finished third last year, traded both Johan Santana and Matt Garza and I think they can finish third again? Honestly, third through fifth won’t mean a damn thing because the Indians and Tigers are going to so far up the tracks they’ll hardly be able to see them. But they do get Francisco Liriano back, and they got Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau and Joe Nathan all signed to long term contracts. I also like the addition of Delmon Young, and their bullpen. I think it’s enough for Ron Gardenhire to work with to keep them above other dregs in the division.

4. Chicago White Sox — Coming off a fourth place finish their key moves were to trade for a 33 year old shortstop with a bad back and then trade their four best prospects for Nick Swisher. Not only will they finish fourth this year, but they’ve pretty much assured they’ll do it through 2011. People keep waiting for Jermaine Dye to bounce back to his 2006 form, but why would he when he’d never done that before? They act like they’re not trying to trade Paul Konerko (they don’t want to anger his herd of 240 pound female fans) but they are, AJ Eyechart is declining rapidly, and outside of their alcoholic closer their bullpen sucks. Oh, and they’ve got maybe one above average starting pitcher. Otherwise, they’re great.

5. Kansas City Royals — They could escape the cellar this year, because they’ve got more talent than the White Sox now. But their best players are probably too young to keep it together all year. Alex Gordon will be markedly better, as should Billy Butler, and Mark Teahen’s power should return. The pitching is intriguing, with Gil Meche and a resurgent Zach Greinke. Brian Bannister claims to intentionally not be striking guys out. Sure. Whatever. They also have a manager named Trey Hillman who spent the past few years in Japan, where presumably he didn’t hear how lousy the Royals have been.

West

1. Anaheim Angels — With Kelvim Escobar out for the season and John Lackey hurt, you’re supposed to pick the Mariners now. Uh…no. The Angels still have a better offense and bullpen, and enough prospects left in their system to trade for whatever they need in-season. One thing that is interesting though is that they plan on using Gary Matthews Jr. as their primary DH. That makes no sense. Junior’s value is in his defense more than his hitting. Although he does currently have a bad foot. Between Garrett Anderson’s bad back and Vlad Guerrero’s arthritic..everything, you’d figure they’ll be able to rotate the three and get the most out of Gary’s biggest asset. If not, he’d better start doubling the HGH injections because last year’s production won’t be enough.

2. Seattle Mariners — I’m sure Erik Bedard can’t be as bad as he was in the spring (nine homers allowed), right? Sure. So you put him into the rotation with Felix Hernandez and you’ve got something. I’d feel better about them if they didn’t seem convinced that Brad Wilkerson and Richie Sexson should be in the lineup, or that Jose Vidro (now that he can’t run at all) is useful as a DH. It just looks like offense has some gaping holes in it. You know, the bad kind of gaping.

3. Oakland A’s — After trading Swisher and Dan Haren they’re supposed to be lousy, and yeah, they aren’t going to be that good, but they’re still better than Texas. I like some of their young players, like Daric Barton and Travis Buck, and Jack Cust is tailor made to DH. If Rich Harden can shake his Prior-like love of the DL, they could make life miserable for the Mariners. Otherwise they’ll just have to settle for not being as lousy as Texas.

4. Texas Rangers — The good news is that it looks like Hank Blalock is back to form, and Josh Hamilton is a stud, but there’s plenty of bad news. They actually think that Gerald Laird deserves to be their number one catcher of Jarrod Saltalamacchia. So much that they sent “Salty” to AAA. Huh? The pitching is still horribly thin and Kevin Mench is back and the outfield so bad that he’s going to be playing in it.

Wild Card — Boston will edge Detroit for the Wild Card. Kenny Rogers is pitching closer to his age (maybe it has something to do with the lack of pine tar on his hand?) and that only gives the Tigers three reliable starters. Boston will get over their Jap-lag in time to have a strong second half and get back to the playoffs.

Most Valuable Player — Travis Hafner will put a mediocre (for him) season behind him and go nuts. The Indians will be the first AL team to clinch a playoff spot and he’ll edge A-Rod. Plus, people are tired of voting for A-Rod.

Cy Young — Roy Halladay will win 20 for the second time and the Jays will hang around the Wild Card race long enough to get people to vote for him.

Rookie of the Year — Evan Longoria is starting the season in the minors, but he’ll have a Ryan Braun like season and it worked to get Ryan the NL ROY last year after starting at AAA.

Manager of the Year — Bob Geren of the A’s will win it because the A’s won’t be as terrible as people think.

National League

East

1. New York Mets — With injuries already poking holes in the top three teams in the East, the winner won’t be as good as people may have expected when the spring started. Adding Johan obviously will be a big boost, and they’re going to need it because their offense falls off dramatically after the big three of Reyes, Wright and Beltran. Moises Alou couldn’t stay healthy in his 30s and his 40s are predictably worse, Brian Schneider’s never been able to hit, Carlos Delgado has a bad hip, Luis Castillo is old, Ryan Church is…Ryan Church. It’s going to be good enough to win the East, but the Central and West have better teams.

2. Atlanta Braves — Offensively they are built around Chipper Jones, Mark Teixeria and Jeff Francoeur (not a bad three to build around), but Chipper’s got a lot of miles on him and they’re not likely to get much out of Mark Kotsay in center. The starting pitching is relying too much on Tom Glavine (old), John Smoltz (old and injured) and incredibly, Mike Hampton (really?).

3. Philadelphia Phillies — There’s a chance that Chase Utley will give them three straight NL MVPs, because Chase is really good. But their season probably hinges on Brad Lidge and even if healthy that’s been an iffy proposition the last two years. Nobody questions their offense, but they’re that much better than the Mets and Braves last year and the offseason didn’t push them over the top (unless you love Pedro Feliz, or something.)

4. Florida Marlins — They’re still a long ways away from contending again, but guys like Jeremy Hermida and Hanley Ramirez (especially Hanley) make them tough now (ask the Cubs), and while they’re going to miss Miguel Cabrera, they’re probably not going to miss Dontrelle. Really though, they’re going to suck. It’s just that Washington is going to be worse.

5. Washington Nationals — Austin kEARnS will love the move to a real ballpark, and so will Ryan Zimmerman. It’ll be interesting to see how good Lastings Milledge is when he gets to play all the time, but beyond that, it’s a bunch of guys who are either not that good (Cristian Guzman, Ronnie Belliard) or injuries waiting to happen (Nick Johnson, Dmitri Young, Paul LoDuca). They can’t pitch at all. In fact, their staff is easily the worst in baseball.

Central

1. Chicago Cubs — From June 1 through the end of the season last year they were easily the best team in the Central (9.5 games better than anybody else). The only reason Cubs fans are nervous is because every time the Cubs have been supposed to win since the 80s they haven’t just not won they’ve been cripplingly bad (1985, 1990, 1999) or they’ve choked it away specacularly (1984 playoffs, 2003 playoffs, 2004 final week). So pardon us if we’re a little nervous. But they filled their biggest need in the offseason when they found a “real” right fielder, and they’ve got prospects and cash at the ready to add a piece or two during the year. Nobody else in the division can say that.

2. Milwaukee Brewers — They choked, and they choked to the Cubs, which has to make it twice as scarring. But it’s a good team, with three really good young players (Prince, Braun and–trust me–Rickie Weeks), plus Bill Hall and Corey Hart are nice pieces to have. Their bullpen could actually be worse than last year with Eric Gagne and Derrick Turnbow at the end, and they managed to fritter away their alleged starting pitcher depth by losing Chris Capuano to a season-ending injury (that might hurt opponents worse than them) and cutting Claudio Vargas with Yovani Gallardo to open the season on the DL, and Ben Sheets always ready to go there. One guy who is awfully good though is Manny Parra, who is in the rotation and was their best pitcher down the stretch last season.

3. Houston Astros — Their lineup will be good at home, with that ridiculous “porch” in left, but they won’t play good defense and they can’t pitch at all. I can’t emphasize how bad their pitching is. It’s laughable. They’re going to suck.

4. St. Louis Cardinals — Get a feeling for just how bad the division is after the Cubs and Brewers? The Cardinals blow. They seem to think playing Rick Ankiel in center is a good idea, they’re going to try to nurse the Generalissimo and his 35 year old elbow through a season by giving him extra rest and they’re hoping Kyle Lohse will save their rotation. They need to face facts that Mark Mulder is done. When a guy comes back from shoulder surgery and pitches to end a season then needs extra time before he can start the next season? His shoulder’s not fixed. Chris Carpenter will be back sometime, but he’ll be lousy this year, and he’s not of the age where coming back from Tommy John Disease is all that easy in the long term. It’s going to be fun to watch them wallow.

5. Cincinnati Reds — If a guy hated Dusty Baker, he might pick him two spots lower than he really thinks he’ll finish. That’s not true of me. Only because I can’t pick these turds to finish seventh. I can’t wait for them to be in first place on May 15 with the sports world on their Dusty Baker knee pads telling him how great he is, only to then watch the pitching staff wear out, the young hitters lose all confidence and their eventual, inevitable, slide down the standings begin. Then Dusty can break out all the “My teams don’t play like this” shit and for the third team in a row he’ll conveniently pretend his team isn’t his team. Oh, and he’ll probably “forget” to pay his taxes, too.

6. Pissburgh Pirates — By my count they’ve got four decent position players, Jason Bay, Xavier Nady, Freddy Sanchez and Adam LaRoche. They want to trade two of them, maybe three. Well, sure, I mean you’ve find a place for Nyjer Morgan and Chris Gomez to play, right?

West

1. Arizona Diamondbacks — They could have been dismissed as a fluke if they hadn’t a) completely kicked the shit out of the Cubs in the playoffs last year and b) traded for Dan Haren. This is a good team, that figures to get better. I even like that they traded their overrated closer, Jose Valverde and got a pitcher (Chad Qualls) who is just as good, and cheaper. Nice. I still think they’re a bunch of punk assholes, though.

2. Colorado Rockies — Winning 21 of 22 wasn’t all smoke and mirrors. They’ve got great players at short and left, and a pretty good pitching staff. Plus they’ve found a way to make their home park an advantage without it crippling them on the road. Plus, I just love Troy Tulowitzki.

3. Los Angeles Dodgers — Have you seen how fat Andruw Jones is? It’s stunning. I mean things will orbit him if he stands perfectly still. They wasted money on a center fielder last year when they signed Juan Pierre to that ludicrous contract and then repeated it, with a bad, but short contract on Andruw. Now they have to find a taker for Juan. I’m sure Dusty will answer if they call. They need to put their old guys to pasture (Nomar and Jeff Kent) because the young kids can really play. Russell Martin is the balls. They’ve got plenty of pitching and when they finally bring Clayton Kershaw up for good…look out. They’ve just got too much to sort out to start the season (kind of like the Cubs last year) and it’ll probably put them too far behind the D’backs and Rockies to catch up.

4. San Diego Padres — It’s so cute when they talk about “when Mark Prior comes back…” We know, we’ve been there. It’ll end the same way. With him flipping a towel and complaining that his owies hurt. But their real problem is that they can’t hit. Adrian Gonzalez can, Kevin Kouzmanoff might be able to and Khalil Greene can hit homers, but Michael Barrett’s done, their outfield is abysmal and you can’t win if you can’t score.

5. San Francisco Giants — They sold their soul to the devil for 15 years with Barry Bonds and now they start paying for it. Hey, eventually his testicles will fall off, by comparison, they’re getting off easy.

Most Valuable Player — Prince Fielder’s going to win it one day. Might as well be this year. That fat fuck can really hit.

Cy Young — Similary, Carlos Zambrano’s going to win this some day, and it’s going to be this year. And if you don’t vote for him, he’ll punch you in the face.

Rookie of the Year — It depends when the Dodgers bring Clayton Kershaw up. If it’s in May he’ll win it, if not, the Reds’ Johnny Cueto might. It all depends on if he has his Tommy John surgery during or after the season.

Manager of the Year — Are you going to tell Lou Piniella he doesn’t deserve it if the Cubs go to the playoffs in back to back years for the first time since 1907 and 1908? I didn’t think so. Now be quiet and eat your pudding.

Wild Card — While the teams in the West and the East are beating each other up, the Cubs and Brewers will be feasting on four really bad teams. As a result, it’s playoff time in Milwaukee for the first time since 1982.

World Series match up — Indians – Cubs? No, too perfect. Gee, which one will screw it up? I’m going with Indians-Diamondbacks.

Guh.

Anyway, winter’s finally over, it’s time for our favorite team to annoy us through October. We wouldn’t have it any other way.