Like other famous Americans, let it be known that I have no coherent exit strategy. Desipio’s been around since July of 1997 in one form or the other, and I’ve been half-assedly writing about sports on the Internet for one site or the other since July of 1995. That’s a lot of half-assedness.ÂÂ
If you’d asked me back then if I’d still be doing this in my 30s I’d have mocked you and you’d have wanted to beat me senseless. Just like if you asked me right now if I expect to be doing this in my 40s. Who knows? One day just kind of blends into another.
However, I make you this promise. If the Chicago Cubs actually give Dusty Baker a contract extension, I’m done. I’m gone. It’s hard enough to find things to write about these jerkoffs as it is, can you imagine trying to do it if you knew you were going to have that fraud around for another three or four years? I’m serious, I’m already tired of writing about how terrible they are, what a completely overmatched simp he is and how torturous it is to watch the Cubs day in and day out.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. I hardly watch them anymore. It’s kind of hard to find things to write about when you have no interest in them. I’m coming dangerously close to being the movie critic who doesn’t actually see the movies before he reviews them. I’m like the mailman who just throws half the mail away before I even start my route.
You want to know why the Daily Dose isn’t Daily anymore? Why it’s just “The Dose?” It’s because I can go days at a time where I don’t watch the Cubs. I haven’t seen a minute of the games in Florida. I’ll catch some of today’s game, only because it’s on at noon, not because it’s just so damn much fun.
Last year, when the Cubs went into the tank I started watching other teams. I watched a crapload of Indians games.ÂÂ
I’m not even doing that this year. The Cubs have not only sucked out any enjoyment I used to have in watching them, they’ve made watching baseball of any kind less than attractive. I’m going to start sending John McDonough my DirecTV and XM Radio bills.
I don’t know, maybe it’s time to just reinvent Desipio again. Maybe we could just swap recipes for stuff you can make on the grill and rate power tools and import beers?
I can’t be like Al “Pollyellon” over at Bleed Cubbie Blue. I can’t just slog through crap filled loss after loss and feign an interest. It’s almost impossible to stress just how bad these Cubs are. They are hardly even competitive in games any more. They’re not embarrassing. They’re soul crushing. I’ve watched lots of bad Cubs’ teams. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s them. I just can’t do it anymore.
You know what I watched last night, when the Cubs were playing the Marlins? I watched four straight episodes of Season One of “24.” I bought the DVDs the middle of last week and I’ve already watched 16 hours of it. I checked in on the Cubs just in time to watch Dan Plesac and his six dollar haircut talk about Ryan Dempster’s blown save. By the way, Dan. Learn how to tie a tie. You’d think he’d accidentally tie it just once so that the dimple shows up under the knot. At least he ties them so ineptly that we can tell those aren’t clip ons.
But don’t worry. The Cubs won’t extend Dusty, right? I mean, as he says, baseball is an “earn it business, not a give it business.” It’s not like he’s done anything the last three years to earn anything but a kick out the door. Right?
Here’s what I noticed about Bruce Bowen during Monday’s game seven between the Spurs and Mavs. He plays defense the way I (and every impatient 12 year old) does on either NBA Live or NBA 2K6. He just slaps at the ball, like he’s hitting the steal button over and over and over again. How does he not foul out in the first four minutes of every game? He was smacking Dirk Nowitzki so much that even Dick Bavetta almost called a foul on him once.
By the way, didn’t we see the best Dick Bavetta call of all time late in that game? The Spurs are down four with 22.7 seconds left and are inbounding the ball at half court. It’s a two possession game and the defending champs are screwed. No way to get out of this spot.ÂÂ
Bavetta calls a foul on Devin Harris BEFORE the ball can be thrown in, which is a one shot foul and the Spurs keep the ball. Voila! Suddenly, it’s a one possession game. Unbelievable. The replays showed…nothing. Go figure.
I like Steve Kerr and he’s not biased, but he will not rip the refs. Even when there’s an obvious fix in, he tries to find a diplomatic way to explain it. The Spurs caught up in the second half, based almost solely on the ludicrous second half free throw disparity, and Kerr tried to come up with logical reasons for it. Even he couldn’t. It’s sad when a game is so slanted that even the paid apologists have nothing to say.
So the Bulls have the second pick in the draft? And the 16th. See, now this is where Jerry Angelo would really shine. He could package those and get like seven second rounders for them.
If I’m John Paxson (I grow back the late ’80s porn stache), I’d be very tempted to draft Adam Morrison. I know the Bulls need big men, but there isn’t one in the draft who can score, and you can buy guys like Nene and Nazr Mohammed or Drew Gooden in free agency. I’d be very intrigued to see this Bulls’ team with a gunner like Morrison to go with a gunner like Ben Gordon. Scott Skiles head would explode watching them both not play defense. Why wouldn’t that be fun?
They’ll draft Tyrus Thomas and I have a hunch he’s going to be good. Paxson tried to hide his glee when he talked about Tyrus. He didn’t really pull it off.
The funny thing is that having the second pick in the draft when the Raptors have the first one, is like having the first pick. Toronto’s going to draft that Italian girl, Andrea somebody. If the Bulls had the first pick they’d be trying to decide between LaMarcus Aldridge and Thomas. They have the second pick and they’ll be trying to decide between LaMarcus Aldridge and Thomas.
On-Hoops.com is still alive and kicking, though I could apologize to Matt Turvey every day for two years and not make up for how ill-treated the site has been under my “watch”, and Mattus has his conference finals previews up. Go read them. Here’s the east. Here’s the west. They’re better than any of the crap on ESPN.com.
Hey, maybe that’s what I’ll do if Dusty gets a new contract, I’ll just go write for On-Hoops.
I’ve enjoyed your doses over the past couple of years. Its a shame you will be leaving us when Baker gets his extension, but I dont blame you. I think the Cubs will lose alot of fans over it. The days of the lovable losers are over thanks to 2003. Management probably curses that team because we will never be happy with a shitty team again. No one boo’d at Wrigley 5 years ago. What happened to Mcphails 5 year plan? Remember that? It sounded nice. Its only been 11 years. With the current management in place, its almost going to take the Tribune Co. selling the Cubs for some of us to get excited again.
How about updating Dusty’s blog? That’s fun stuff.
Well, that was heartening.
Brilliant!
Write for a basketball blog as the season is winding down!
Brilliant!
I, too, will retire from journalism if the Cubs give Dusty an extension!
I was sad already. Now I’m downright depressed. boo.
Play the kids. Turn the keys over to BC and let’s see what he can do. At least he’ll smack down all these immigants.
I told the few people who still check in at the Coven today that they should skip all of the steps of grieving and go right to acceptance of the fact that the Cubs are a bad team and that by no means should they go through the “denial” stage by trying to tell themselves that this is just a blip and that the Cubs are going to pull out of it. If the Cubs’ owners don’t care, why in hell should we?
Get a fucking job Dolan, you low life cocksucker!
Funny you should post this today, Andy, as just today I broke down and installed WordPress on my hosting account for the very first time. Reading Doses for the last several years served as the fire under my ass. I don’t even have anything in particular to spew out onto the web, but I’m sure I’ll think of something.
What’s downright creepy is that you said you’ve been watching 24 DVDs instead, which is exactly what I’ve been doing, and usually 4 episodes at a time. That and Arrested Development. I just finished season 1 of 24 Monday night, and I’ll be starting season 2 at some point this evening. I actually hope today’s game goes 18-20 innings, just so I’ll have the pleasure of turning the Cubs OFF in favor of network tee vee reruns. Again. There’s a certain pleasure in that, these days.
No one booed at Wrigley five years ago?
The biggest shame in all of this is that the Dusty Era has done more to piss off Cubs fnas than ANY other regime, yet he was supposed to be the guy who finally leads this team to a World Series. Dusty stated he was no messiah in his hiring press conference, but no one paid any attention.
Let’s face it: the guy has done nothing since the 2003 NLCS debacle to show that he can manage (and really didn’t do a whole lot up to that). His teams have quit in two of the three subsequent seasons, the young guys he DOES play don’t seem to improve, and he doesn’t do anything in the form of strategy.
A sweep at the hands of the AAA Marlins should be enough to pull the plug.
Well Dave, here I come. 9-3 Marlins.
Improve the team or I quit.
Andy,
Just do what I did in MLB 06-trade Jock for Derek Jeter and then trade him for Ichiro. He makes a fine #2 hitter behind Lucky (who, not surprisingly seems to ground out to second every other at-bat). Bump Matt Murton’s abilities up a little bit, and voila! You have a competitive Cubs team.
Season 1 of 24? I’ve been all David Brent working through season 2 of The Office.
Maybe the Queen can guess what I’m thinking of.
Andy:
I had no idea I could spur a rant like that. Wow…I’m so flattered. But, I understand your plight (yeah, that’s right…I know what “plight” means). By the way…a little aside–I really don’t come here for the Cubs talk, even though I’m an (hold your breath) avid Cubs fan. I come here because I just like the way you write.
You’re a genuine, grade A, class I smartass. Now, that’s not an insult. You’re just a smartass…I get it. You make me laugh. I like to laugh, especially when baseball gets this bad. When baseball gets so bad that you actually give up on it. You actually care that Reggie Bush can’t wear #5 for the Saints (kudos to the Saints, by the way). Actually, I don’t care about that, but you get the picture.
But, anyway, I started watching more Astros games. I watch the Astros because I live in Baton Rouge and I like the stadium (2nd best in MLB) and I catch FSN-Houston. So far, the Cubs have ruined this season beyond any repair that the Astros could manage for me. It’s embarrassing. It’s frustrating. And the most aggravating part is that these woodenhead, monkey shit for brain jacklegs are thinking of extending Dusty. Wow…if I had showed up for my job three years ago and completely phoned it in for the majority of that time, I’d definitely be expecting an extension.
Anyway, I refuse to wear my Cubs hat again until they make changes. And, if they make changes like trade Ronny and Matty, I’m never going to watch or listen to another Cubs game again. Ever. I, too, will be done. But, until then…keep entertaining me. Damn it, I like it. I think we all deserve a medal…purple heart or something…for sticking with this group of limp noodles for so long. Peace.
Don’t worry nutsack. You didn’t spur on any rant.
Actually…if I didn’t spur you, I certainly spurred myself. Spurring a nutsack…alomst as painfull as losing 9-3 to the Florida Borchards.
You remember the picture of Sosa working at Burger King that was up several months ago? Can you photoshop Juan Pierre and Dusty into that picture? That would be awesome.
Here’s to hoping the Cubs at least leave Juan Pierre behind in Florida.
Jon Miller is talking Cubs during the STL and SFG radio telecast. Kinda interesting.
Don’t do it, Andy… don’t give up!
(No, not on the Cubs. They’re done like a sirloin left on the grill for an hour. Don’t give up on the blog, I mean…)
Your posts on Chicago sports (and the sports world in general) are too damned entertaining for you to keep to yourself.
The royal scorching of Cubs ineptitude on sites like this are about the only thing keeping this Cub fan from heaving himself into the Chicago River this season…
Hey nutsack… what’s Miller saying?
The same song and dance, really. Changes might be made soon…they’re not winning…they’re not even competetive. All things we’ve heard of. I kind of jumped the gun thinking it would be interesting. Miller calls a good game, though.
Andy, you’re 5 foot nothin’, 100 and nothin’, and you have nearly a speck of writing ability. And you hung in there with the best Cubs blog in the land for 9 years. And you’re gonna walk outta here with a degree from the School of Hard Knocks. In this life, you don’t have to prove nothin’ to nobody but yourself.
Normally, I’d say good riddance and don’t let the door hit you on the way out….but the door will probably be hitting me as I sneak out behind you.
Crap Andy, I love your irreverant writing, and always look for a new column. But, Dusty will get an extention, because its not his fault the Cubs are playing so bad. Hell I can’t blame you. Today the Cubs were winning by the fifth, and were down 6-1 by the seventh inning. I just turned them off, and listened to US 99. Dusty ineneptness will be rewarded, just to make McFail look better. What a damn mess.l
You see…On the mat are various conclusions. And you can JUMP to them!
I’ve said it before, some of the funniest things I have ever read in my life have been in Desipio. You have fans, Andy, and you deserve them. I certainly consider myself to be one. But this team is going to bite whether Dusty keeps the reins or not. It would be so Cub-like to hire a Dusty successor who’s an even poorer manager than Dusty (look at the Orioles — each manager is even worse than the last). We’re 12+ out before June 1 because our players are worse than MIL(!) and STL and CIN(!). Life’s too short to do things you don’t enjoy, and writing about this team is not going to be fun until the second Jeb Bush administration (and that’s a LONG time from now). The page is a daily must-read (well, daily see if there’s anything new) for me, but if it no longer brings you joy, you need to stop and do something else.
Remember the raptors are not run by morons anymore. I’m so picking Tyrus Thomas.
Andy,
Just stay a collect that fat pay check from the Desipio managemnt team. I’m sure they wont allow you to leave anyway. Funny thing is, ucking morans like Fat Jay Mariotti keep writing the same regurgiatated B.S. over and over and continue to be percieved as someone who knows what he is talking about. If you do go give a good F.U. to not only the Cubs but to all of those chicken shit pansey writers that think they have an original idea from time to time but won’t get off their asses to actually write about them. Oh well Bears training camp is only 2 months away.
Andy:
If Dusty does indeed get extended, does that mean a full scale return of the Front Office? You need some ‘creative’ outlet right? It may be a moot point because I think I’d give up contact with the outside world should Johnny B get an extension.
What a shame. Understandable, but a true shame. Watching the Cubs lose these days is like taking all those shots of Rumple Minze that the not so good looking bartendress gave you when you asked her what time she got off work. You knew it was wrong, but you did it to yourself. You chose to love the Cubs. With the Rumple Minze, you know if you puke that night you’re going to feel better the next day. A quick visit to the Kohler, and things are looking a little better. With the Cubs, we have the next morning trip to Desipio. If you see Jock get doubled off or Barrett forget to catch the ball (“Dang. I always do that”), then you know that tomorrow, Andy’s gonna come up with some funny shit to say about it, and the wounds will begin to heal… until that night, when it all starts over again (the same goes for the Rumple Minze).
Andy is the bright spot in our vicious cycle. Andy is our vomit. Long live Andy.
LSU’s T² is very talented but is no where near NBA ready. I go to LSU and have seen all of his games. Great hops can’t dribble or pass effectively. If the Bulls get him just know he won’t contribute right away and may be a bust if he doesn’t learn more fundamentals.