Dusty Baker summed it up best when he said of Neifi Perez’s value to the team, “Neifi saved our season last year.”
Truer words were never spoken. Without Neifi, how could the Cubs have won 79 games and finished fourth? Tremendous.
Yesterday, to the chagrin of one, and the amazement of millions, Neifi and (incredibly) all $3 million left on his contract were sent to the Detroit Tigers for a guy, who by all accounts has a pulse and owns at least one catcher’s mitt.
Honestly, I would have traded Neifi for the catcher’s mitt alone.
You have to wonder just what Detroit its thinking, trading for a guy whose career on base average would not have earned you a DUI in Wisconsin until the early 80s.
The Tigers have the best record in baseball, though they have lost nine of 12 and appear to be reeling. Now they have Neifi. While it’s not quite like airlifting a boulder to help weigh down the Titanic, it’s not exactly the arrival of rescue boats, either.
You wonder how bad someone’s infield situation has to be for Neifi to be viewed as an improvement.
To beat an analogy into the ground (actually, that analogy was so lame it doesn’t even need a beating), Neifi knows something about hopping onto sinking ships.
In 2004, the Giants waived him in August. He and the great Mike DeFelice showed up in September for the ill-fated pennant push. Neifi played well (incredibly) causing dopey fans like us to wonder how they’d get him on the playoff roster. Before the final week nosedive, the Cubs foreshadowed the move by telling the world that Ramon Martinez had a bad leg and probably wouldn’t play again that season.
Alas, the Cubs didn’t actually have a playoff roster.
Re-signing the Neif for the 2005 season seemed redundant, but not absurd, and he got off to a fine start. Filling in for Nomar’s detached groin, Neifi went nutty for a month, even garnering some actual (serious…no really) consideration as an All-Star.
Then, reality kicked Neifi, and the Cubs right in the crotch. He stopped hitting, though he never stopped eating. Dusty kept batting him second. The Cubs lost. They kept losing. They’re still losing.
Is it all Neifi’s fault? No. None of it is Neifi’s fault.
Neifi’s a bad baseball player. He’s decent in the field, though the whole “he’s a Gold Glover” is about as relevant as seeing Dexy’s Midnight’s Runners introduced at a county fair as “Grammy winning artists”, but he can’t hit and has never hit outside of Coors Field.
Say your dog pees on the carpet in the living room if you don’t let him out before you go to bed. When you don’t let him out and he pees in the living room is it really his fault? Hardly. So it is with Neifi.
If you bat him second and play him five times a week and he pees all over your lineup, how can it be his fault?
Neifi seems like a good guy. He’s always happy. He spends more time making mound visits than the pitching coach. He just can’t hit, and especially cannot be trusted to take pitches or draw walks.
Yet, Dusty batted him second, constantly. Why?
Because that’s where middle infielders bat, dude. Your center fielder leads off, then you pick either your shortstop or second baseman to bat second. It’s tradition.
Guh.
Because Dusty played him for no apparent reason, and because Dusty continually batted him too high up in the order for anyone’s taste, Neifi became the symbol of all that was wrong with the 2005-2006 Cubs. When Jim Hendry inexplicably gave him $5 million, that just made things worse.
Now, Neifi is gone. Soon, Dusty will be gone.
What will we do then?
Oh, we’ll think of something.
Say your dog pees all over the bed if you forget to kick him out after the two of you have finished making sweet, pashionate … oh wait, nevermind.
You still will have me to kick around…
Screw you, racists.
So which one of us is the next to depart?
Please let me stay in the booth. Don’t make me manage this team. Cub fans actually somewhat like me right now. They will hate me, oh so much if you hire me as manager. I wanna stay with Len!
can we get any of those kids from lemont to coach us?
I’m going to have a 20+ rbi month despite getting benched regularly for a guy who should be stocking the aisles at CostCo. Speaking of which, I’m going to go to CostCo right now. Thanks Dusty for saving me from playing in one of those pesky baseball games.
I have Bako bat. That’s why I get playing time.
Look, I am so mad, I spiked the ball…again.
Plow into me one more time and see what happens….
Bring it Burrell.
Prepare for me to drop some more tonight…..
That sound you just heard was me falling off
Hey, I have Bako bat. Why don’t I get more playing time?
I’m back, and I’m the first guy off the bench. Eat it, Cub fans.
Oh, Cubs score on a wild pitch. What a offensive onslaught. Go Dusty.
Has anyone responded to today’s ‘Times articles re: again putting names on the back of our home jerseys and Dopey’s racist hatemail??
All the important updates from the Brass at 1060.
Len
Where the fuck am I?
Hendry has already replaced Neifi? with Little Caesar … the record is not as long but even more horrendous.
Here are their respective career BA/OBP/SLG —
Little Caesar (2600 plate appearances): 260/295/337 http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/stats?playerId=4607
Neifi (5369 plate appearances): 269/299/378 http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/stats?playerId=3541
Hey, Andy, that was a low blow – lay off Dexy’s, eh? Kevin Rowland’s not responsible for the Cubs lack of production out of the two hole.
Anybody who can appear on “Top of the Pops” to perform “Jackie Wilson says” in front of a huge backdrop picture of fat, alcoholic Scottish darts player Jocky Wilson is all right by me.
This is kinda wierd….I think i’m gonna leave now…
I own 2 catchers mitts…one to catch with and one to use as dugout pillow.
Did you guys hear? I got asked about playing for the Cubs and said it was worse than living in Gary, Indiana. Now that’s hell!
From http://www.bleedcubbieblue.com/story/2006/8/21/10412/3090:
“We didn’t see the prolonged (Mark) Prior injury situation. We didn’t know he’d be injured at all coming to camp. In hindsight, if we’d known what was going to happen to (Kerry) Wood and Prior, it would be foolish not to say we would explore other starting pitching possibilities. . . .So it wasn’t like the plan wasn’t solid. We just didn’t get anything out of two quality starters that we were counting on. That would be the one thing [that we’d have addressed]. And obviously you can’t control the injury factor, but that’s not an excuse either.â€Â
I live 1000 miles away from Chicago, and _I_ knew neither Wood nor Pryor could be relied on in 2006, because both had a HISTORY of injury problems. “So it wasn’t like the plan wasn’t solid†my f***ing ass. And THIS is the guy TribCo gave an extension to?
Fire Dusty, hire Dusty, whatever. As long as this guy is running things, the Cubs will suck, even if they resurrect John McGraw to make up the lineup cards.
Jeez, it just gets worse.
“BDD/BCB: What do you feel is your biggest need going into this offseason?
JH: We’ll have to see where Prior is at. Hopefully he’ll be healthy…so we can count on him to come to camp healthy. â€Â
Ohh-kayyy. So if Prior can throw, say, three or four innings without his arm falling off – despite the last three years – Hendry’s like, “OK, we’re set� WTF???? This is EXACTLY the mindset that has brought the Cubs to their present sorry state. This guy GMs like it’s interrupting his hourly donut break.
What the hell am I gonna do with my $125. Mark Prior home shirt if we trade him. Think about that. Maybe I can just wear the Hank White fan club shirt to bed in the winter.
Where is my interview?
Oh, what a hangover… that’s the last time I go drinking with Hendry… wait a minute… I did what? Well, at least Leyland won’t play him… right?
I live in Michigan, Leyland is batting Neifi leadoff! He’s maximizing the at-bats for a guy with a .266 OBP. It’s absolutly insane.