Dear Jeff Joniak,
Please stop it. All of it. You know what you’re doing.
What, you don’t? Come on, you can’t be that clueless. Nobody is that clueless. Well, one guy was, but he finally left after like seven years of torturing us with overaffected calls of sporting events. He went home to work with his dad. What does your dad do? Maybe he could get you a nice union job someplace. If not him, maybe an uncle.
You really don’t know what I’m talking about?
Fine. I’ll just have to come right out and say it. I don’t mean to be rude. But.
Stop ruining every highlight of every Bears game. Just shut up. I know you’re on the radio and if you don’t talk, nobody at home will know what’s going on in the game. But you know what? It wouldn’t be a whole helluva lot different. When you do talk, we don’t know what’s going on in the game.
Your announcing is basically just a lot of whiny, screeching, followed by your weird phony “I wish my voice was deep, like a man’s” tone, followed by a series of phrases that may or may not have anything to do with what’s going on in the game.
There used to be a tradition where Bears fans would turn down the volume on their TVs and watch the game and listen to the radio announcers. I can’t say who killed that tradition deader than Barbaro, if it was you, or fellow falsetto Hub Arkush, but I can tell you that he’s gone and you’re still flogging the hell out of that carcass.
We’re not amused by your pathetic attempts to give Bears’ players nicknames. When you called Devin Hester the “Windy City Flyer” it sounded like you were working for Schwinn in the ’50s trying to come up with a name for a new 10 speed. It was beyond embarrassing, it was pathetic, really.
I can’t tell you how embarrassed I was to hear your long practiced call of the Bears advancing to the Super Bowl. “Hear me now and believe me later…” I don’t get it. I know everyone immediately thought of Dana Carvey and Kevin Nealon doing Hanz and Franz, but beyond that I have no idea what you even thought it would mean.
I’m just glad that you weren’t around to deliver a supposed poignant thought at big moments in American history.
Jeff Joniak at Gettysburg
“What we say here won’t long be remembered. What ‘chu talkin’ ’bout Willis?”
Jeff Joniak at the Sea of Tranquility
“This is one small step for man. Kiss my grits!”
I don’t want you to think that just because the Bears are going to the Super Bowl that I decided to single you out as a douchebag now. Because you’ve been a douchebag for a long time. Ever since Wayne Larivee left Chicago for Green Bay, Czechoslovakia, we’ve had to put up with you. Oh, wait, I almost forgot Gary Bender. Wouldn’t we all like to forget Gary Bender.
Except that you make Gary Bender sound like John Facenda.
Here’s all I ask of your performance on Sunday. Try to concentrate on important things like the score, the time left in the quarter, the down, the distance and the yard line. You know, the stuff you can go 15 minutes without reviewing. When the Bears win, don’t ruin every commemorative DVD by saying something stupid, and trite and obnoxious and…well, incomprehensible. Just try shutting up. Let Steve Sabol have to write something for the ending. We trust him.
Oh, and by the way, tell Tom Thayer that nobody gives a rat’s ass about offensive line play. Especially not having it broken down non-stop on the radio. All we want to know is which one got called for holding or which one missed a block and screwed up a play. I know it’s hard for him to believe, but it’s the truth. That, and he also sounds like his voice is part dog-whistle.
Respectfully yours, (Not really.)
Andy
Why am I supposed to dislike Jeff Joniak this much? Watch the damn game if he bugs you.
Thanks Brian. Now go clean your room.
I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Who listens to the fucking Bears on the radio? Every game is televised. Take 3 hours out of your Sunday and sit on the fucking couch.
I don’t even like me.
Last week I turned off the TV sound, and turned up the radio. It was about the same, but Joniak was really over reaching. he isn’t that talented. It just came down to Thayer yelling “ball, ball”. I just love that.
I know this is an overly Len and Bob friendly place, but man, ALL of those criticisms apply even more exactly to Len Kasper.
If you can’t tell the difference between Len Kasper and Joniak, you’re an idiot. So, you’re an idiot. Kasper is a good announcer. Everyone likes him. You’re the first person I’ve seen say anything bad about his announcing.
Lies. Andy sits on me constantly.
Andy, you’d turn that frown upside down if Joniak would get loose with:
“Just like Barbaro, the Colts have been euthanized!”
Like that’s not better than “Sweet Home Chicago!” or “Da Bears are Da Champs!” or “Bear down, America. Chicago is super again!” or whatever else you know he’s spent 2 weeks coming up with.
If Jim Nantz has anything to say about it, it will likely be “The Bears have mastered the NFL…speaking of which, The Masters begins in April here on CBS!”
Of course, we all know the world will go with some variation on “Miami is Peyton’s Place!” should the unthinkable happen. Does anyone even remember that show — or Petticoat Junction, for that matter?
I do like Brian’s point that since nobody listens to the radio that it doesn’t matter how bad the radio announcer is. It’s an excellent point. You’re not forced to listen to the radio to follow the Bears (unless you are in your car at the time, or maybe you have a job where watching the game on TV isn’t possible). Nobody is forced to listen to the radio. I just feel bad that apparently Brian was forced to read this column.
Twice.
Hey, it was an open letter. I’ve listened to Joniak only when in a car for short stretches. He’s non-descript except when he tries to put a growl in his voice. The hatred towards him seems out of proportion.
So what you’re saying is that you’re upset that we hate Joniak but you personally have never really listened to him?
When he calls the game generally fails to mention time, distance, or events on the field.
I’d love to be able to mute Joe Buck or whatever idiot and listen to the home call on the radio, but Joniak is that bad.
And then, you’d note Andy’s point that since when highlights are shown they normally include the home team’s radio call of the play, Joniak’s idiocy shows up on TV a lot too.
Come on let’s show a little support for the home announcing team. It’s what a true fan ought to do.
“Devin Hester, you are rediculous!”
That’s pretty much his only good highlight ever, and only because it’s funny because it’s stupid.
Actually, it’s also funny because of Thayer giggling like a little school girl at end of it. Seriously.
You may not care about it but some people actually do. I think the Bears O-Line, Tightends and fullbacks are teh ablls and I’d like to know more about how they do their job. We’re not getting much of value out of those radio broadcasts but at least there’s that.
I do like the D-Line a lot better though and the same breakdowns of their play would be much appreciated.
I’m available.
If you’ve ever played football in your life, you are yelling me when you see a fumble! It’s a habit.
There used to be a tradition where this site made keen observations and was entertaining. Now it’s just a bunch of whiny screeching and name-calling of the nastiest order. At least get off your ass and come up with one example that hasn’t been beaten to death already.
I couldn’t agree more. Joniak is awful, he’s a wee bit better than 5 years ago, but that’s like putting cologne on a turd. My friends and I often joke about how funny it would be to see Jeff in his basement making up names and calls. It’s like this: Jeff, you’re the play-by-play guy, just tell us what’s going on, let Thayer be the big homer. Take a page from Sumerall sans the drinking!!
I live in Missouri, and to rid myself of the filth that is StL football, I listen the bears on the computer…and I wish that I was 10 again, listening to Wayne and Dick back in 80’s…this man blows hard. Why don’t we just bring in Ron Santo to do it?
Were you able to get a license plate before they ran out?
Hey Ron thinks he’s in the Hall of Fame, or Detroit, or somewhere.
“..Concannon fades back to pass long to Dick Gordon. Ooh.,. it’s low and outside.
Irv? That’s right Jack….”
Does Peyton need to win to get the monkey of his back?
Any idea how long my lease is going to be?
Did you mean leash? Or are you suggesting that you are a rent-a-QB?
I was good.
Right there with you, Joe (#28).
Grew up in IL, but live in TN, so I listen to the Bears on the internet. As far as I’m concerned, Joniak is the Chicago Bears. Since they had a good season, I got to see them a bit more on TV and there is no comparison. The man is passionate. When the TV games were on at night, I prayed for clear skies so I could pick up the static filled broadcast on an AM radio rather than be forced to listen to the TV guys. Someone cut Joe Buck’s throat. Touchdown – Touchdown Bears – there are no sweeter three words.
I’m pretty sure #30 is Joniak’s mom.
Maybe it’s because I played O-Line in high school, but I like how Thayer will break that stuff down. He’s an offensive lineman, so naturally he’s going to have a bit more to say about that.
#18 – Yup. Everyime I see the ball hit the ground I start shouting it along with Thayer.
One of the Mike and Mike guys has had Joniak on a few times and keeps saying “he got me my start”. I don’t get it.
Let’s not forget, “Touchdown!…..Touchdown, Bears!” like he’d be saying that if it were the other team…
No one can disagree with what is written here. If you do, you aer teh gehey.