I, like most Cubs fans am finding it exhasting to listen to Chip Caray down the stretch. In most of his six seasons in Chicago we could stop listening to him by now. Not this year. And given the delay between the radio and the satellite signal (coupled with an extra second delay through TiVo) I have no choice. And so, I’ve penned this “Dear Chip” letter that I’m sending to Chip, Cubs Vice President of Marketing and Broadcasting John McDonough, Director of Media Relations Sharon Pannozzo, and Allan H. “Bud” Selig, Interim Commissioner of Baseball For Life. What the hell, I’ll even send one to our old buddy Jim Tocco, just so he doesn’t feel left out.

I spent a lot of time on this letter and really, I feel much better about it. Let me show you some of the drafts I came up with.

Dear Chip,

You suck.

Love,
andy

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But that didn’t seem expressive enough.

Draft #2

Dear Chip,

You suck and blow, all at the same time.

Love,
andy

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Again, it had a lot going for it. It was succinct, it was well-reasoned and really, I think pretty constructive.

But we needed more. We needed a list of grievances to present, and then we needed to request some action be taken. So, I came up with this one:

Draft #3

Dear Chip,

I sit here in the wee hours of the morning writing you this letter because I cannot sleep. Just a few short hours ago, you sucked the fun and enjoyment out of another Cubs victory. I can only type this with one hand because I have to use the other to hold an ice pack to my still bleeding ear. You see, in the fifth inning, I could not take you anymore and tried to permanently deafen myself with a rusty can opener.

Somewhere between the inital, violent, uncontrollable blood spray and the eventual, glorious clotting process, I jotted down a list of things about you which annoy not only myself, but all Cubs fans.

– Your phony college deejay voice. Nobody really talks like that. People only talk like that when they are trying to mock a really bad TV or radio personality. Try and remember what your normal voice was like and see if that one works.

– Your weird, fake laugh. In recent weeks you’ve developed a very irritating chuckle which you use when you are saying something you think is particularly ironic. Make it stop. Unless you start using it in sentences like, “Honesty compels me to say, (chuckle chuckle chuckle) I’m a third rate hack!”

– Not every ball hit to the outfield is a rocket shot, and not every grounder is a “little ground ball.” Would it kill you to just say, “There’s a grounder to short. Alex has it, makes a good throw and there’s one out,”? It probably would because it’s not verbose enough for you.

– Stop with the illiterative nonsense. The “Battling Buccos”, the “Mighty Mets”, the “Phrollicking Phillies.” It’s stupid, it’s not cute or funny or even ironic. It’s just lame.

– Just shut up once and a while. You have this incredibly irritating need to fill every void with speech. You constantly start talking before you have any idea what you’re going to say. Just shut up. Your verbal diahrrea has even spread like e coli to your partner. Steve is becoming more like you every day. This is your fault.

– Try to use a little common sense when you dress. I know you just wear swag from whatever TV outlet is paying you that day, but when we play the Cardinals, for chrissakes don’t wear the bright red golf shirt. Are you that completely daft?

– Stop gushing over every opponent like he’s the second coming of Willie Mays or Roberto Clemente. I’ve got news for you, Craig Biggio sucks. He does. He’s a bad centerfielder, and only the demented folly of Jimy Williams has him out there every day. The same goes for guys like Orlando Palmeiro, Sean Casey, Alex Cora, Danny Bautista and any number of average to below average Major Leaguers that you fawn over on a consistent basis.

– No matter what, stop saying nice things about the Cardinals, Astros, Mets, Diamondbacks and White Sox. We hate them. You have no “journalistic integrity” anyway, so just what exactly is your point when you go on and on about how wonderful they are? You work for the Cubs and the only people who watch you with any regularity are Cubs fans. We like it when our announcers mock the opponent. Besides, have you noticed how Al Hrabosky and Thom Brennaman continually bitch slap you when they come to town? You’re defenseless. You’re like some birth defect riddled, one legged kitten lying on the side of the road. Eventually a bus is going to ride the shoulder and squish you, or some larger species will stroll by and have you for lunch. Either toughen up a little or get out. Actually, just get out.

– Just because an opposing player gives you the time of day when you wander around behind the batting cage doesn’t make him a superstar. The most obvious example of this is Biggio. He spends two minutes talking to you before the first game of a series and you spend the next three nights singing his praises. There are 14 year old girls who have their “relationship” with Aaron Carter or Justin Timberlake in better perspective than you do. It’s sad.

– You make Pat Hughes look cool. Pat’s a solid announcer, but he’s a weenie. I’ve met the man, he’s nice, decent, good at his job and even he has more of an edge to you. Hell compared to your Ralph Malph he’s The Fonz. Doesn’t that seem a little pathetic to you?

– Stop making fun of Ron Santo. It’s OK when Steve does it, but you have no place doing it. If your last name wasn’t Caray you’d be spinning the light hits of the ’70s and ’80s in Clearwater, Florida. Ron Santo is a beloved institution, and a testament that no matter how bad you are at broadcasting, if you are sincere when you do it, we’ll like you. You’re the opposite of that. You’re a pretender to the throne, and not exactly dripping with sincerity.

– Joe Carter’s not around and you still suck. Apparently, Joe wasn’t the whole problem. In fact, had he been paired with a competent announcer he likely wouldn’t have been the disaster he was. His failure was, in part, your fault. Granted, he was never going to turn into a sage baseball color man, but with you, he had no shot. This has been proved on a nearly daily basis this year, when paired with an excellent analyst, you are just as bad. In fact, you’re so bad, you’re bringing Stone down with you. That’s something to spruce up the old resume with.

So what is a suggested step you can take that will resolve these issues. It’s pretty simple, really.

“Hey, good morning Tucson! Chip Caray here with your Shadow traffic on the ones….”

Love,
andy

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I think number three might be a keeper.