What’s more annoying, any radio commercial with Mike North yelling or any radio commercial in which they have to refer to the Super Bowl as “The Big Game?” The NFL started cracking down on people infringing on their trademark of calling the NFL Championship Game, The Super Bowl, a couple of years ago. This, is just about the dumbest thing ever.

This thing is so dumb that if it had a baby, you’d have to name the baby Jay Mariotti. Now, that’s dumb.

So let me get this straight, the NFL is threatening to sue businesses who use the words Super and Bowl in their ads? Aren’t these businesses basically advertising the NFL’s big game for them? Isn’t it free publicity?

From now on, here at Desipio we’re going to sue anybody who doesn’t start referring to the Super Bowl as “Desipio.com presents the most overhyped piece of crap since ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ NFL Championship Game.”

Let’s just see how they like that? Hah!

Big news out of Houston this week is that after some handwringing the NFL has decided that they will indeed open the roof at Reliant Stadium if the weather next Sunday (at the Desipio.com presents the most overhyped piece of crap since ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ NFL Championship Game) turns out to be the 60 degrees and clear that is currently forecasted.

They needed a committee to decide to hit the garage door opener and crack open the roof?

However, ’40s rock group Aerosmith (who apparently won the rock, paper, scissors contest with Bon Jovi to see who gets to open for the Desipio.com presents the most overhyped piece of crap since ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ NFL Championship Game) has requested that the roof stay closed during their pregame performance.

Huh? Since when does the group that made us pay actual money for “Done With Mirrors” get to decide if the roof is closed.

However, were I Aerosmith’s publicist (and if I were I’d just be doing it to get to Liv)

I’d release this statement.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Contact: Andy Dolan, flunky, Karry Ling Publicity Group

-30-

Hey, this might be the best Desipio.com presents the most overhyped piece of crap since ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ NFL Championship Game pregame ever!

OK, I’ll stop with the Desipio.com presents the most overhyped piece of crap since ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ NFL Championship Game now. But it’s addictive. Really.

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I’ll tell you what the most troubling development this week in any sport was. On Tuesday night, creepy ESPN radio guy Bruce Levine supposedly broke the story that the A-Rod trade talks were back on, and on the five o’clock SportsCenter they interrupted their Desipio.com presents the most overhyped piece of crap since ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ NFL Championship Game hype (sorry) to show Dan Patrick interviewing Bruce Levine.

I can tell you that if I live to be 127 years old, I did not ever need to see Bruce Levine in the flesh. My eyes began to try and burrow their way through the back of my skull. I may never be the same.

What does he look like you ask?

He looks like Colonel Sanders and John Clayton had a baby.

Ouch.

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I don’t know how many of you are pretty much just overgrown adolescents, but I can say that if I spent as much time doing home improvement projects the past three weeks as I have playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2004, I’d be living in a replica of the Taj Mahal right now.

It’s like having Golden Tee in your house. Here’s the horribly addictive thing about it, not only can you obviously golf much better than you’d ever really be able to, but you can make your golfer look exactly like you. I mean it. In other games you can create yourself but you get like four faces to pick from. Not in this bad boy. It’s amazing. Plus, as you win money you get to buy stuff. You upgrade your skills, but then once you’ve done that you can buy different clothes to wear and new shoes and hats and sunglasses and when you beat Rich Beem head to head you get to wear his Hawaiian shirts and stuff. I knew it was bad when on Monday I flipped around the channels, didn’t find anything and went, “Hey, three hours of golf! I need to beat Jim Furyk so I can get another $250,000 and buy some Nike cargo pants!”

That’s bad. But not really bad. Because just like in the three weeks after the release of NCAA Football 2004 when you spend every waking moment trying to get Boise State into the BCS so you can bolt to a better job, that time’s not wasted. You just throw the CD player on and reconnect with some albums you’ve been neglecting. You don’t need to shave, so you get to see what you’ll look like if you ever get picked for Survivor. You learn just how big of a pizza to have delivered so you can eat it for lunch, dinner and then breakfast the next day before you order another one. You can even play the game while you’re on the treadmill so that you don’t gain 30 pounds in three weeks. Eventually, ComEd will turn the power off because you haven’t picked up the mail in nearly a month and all of your bills are over due and then you know it’s time to shave, put the game away and see if the woman you were dating the day you got the game is still single.

How much of that was out loud?

One last thing. If you have the game, go to the password screen and enter (in ALL CAPS) THEKITCHENSINK. You’ll thank me later.

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So how far down this column did you get before you said, out loud, “Christ, Dolan has NOTHING to write about today?”

Fine, let’s just do the links.

Wally Backman thinks the Sox fired him as the AA Birmingham manager because they think he told Twins manager Ron Gardenhire that he hoped the Twins would finish ahead of the Sox last year so he could get Jerry Manuel’s job. Honestly, I don’t care. Backman’s a douchebag. He was one of the most annoying people ever when he played for the Mets. I hope his mustache molts and attacks his face. Besides, he didn’t want to be in Birmingham this year anyway, their new arch rival, Montgomery Biscuits (not making that up) has this guy for their new radio announcer. Hee hee.

I find it odd that they have Jim wearing a uniform, but he fills it out nicely.

Now everybody’s worried if Greg Maddux turned down the Cubs first offer. Oh, shut up! It’s called negotiating. Just get over it.

Rick Morrissey says that Pudge is just greedy if he signs with Detroit. But here’s my thought. If he’d signed with Baltimore nobody would have called him greedy. But over the course of a four year deal which team has a more realistic shot at the playoffs? The Orioles who play in a division in which the Yankees and Red Sox lock up both available playoff spots in August every year, or the Tigers who are gawdawful, but also play in the worst division in the world? The Royals went from non-factor to contender in a year and might be the best team in the division right now. Tigers’ GM Dave Dombrowski’s no fool, and if Detroit’s serious about paying people, they’ll be better than Baltimore in two years. Besides, even if the Yankees or BoSox slip, the Blue Jays are still better than Baltimore anyway. So Rick, shut up.

Ed Sherman with a nice one on Ray Raymer, and he also notes that Joe Namath is entering an alcohol rehab program. It’s the West Coast Offense Rehab Plan so it’s just three steps and not twelve! Rimshot please!

Scottie Pippen urinated all over his teammates yesterday, but in a good way. Really. They need it.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to declare Chicago a Cubs town. No s@#$. He also thinks “Sex and the City” is cool. What a dumbass. That show hasn’t been funny since…well, ever.

Mike Kiley says that the Giants don’t think they have any money left to sign Maddux. With the Cardinals about to lose an arbitration hearing to Albert Pujols (in which his salary will go from $900K to more than 10 million–hee hee) there’s nobody left to pay Greggie. Hee hee.

Some Russians have proven that Moses could have parted the Red Sea. Whew! There’s a load off my mind.

X-tina loves women and casual sex. Me too!

NBC is going to dump it’s “Best Comedy series ever” ads for Friends. Damn straight. It’s not even the best comedy series ever to be on NBC’s Thursday night lineup. It’s at best third behind Cheers and Seinfeld.

Jethro Tull has a new female keyboard player, but it’s still David Palmer.

America’s finest news source says that The Matrix is kind of a buzz kill for “real” artificial intelligence dudes.