Hello again, everybody, it’s your old friend Karry Ling here filling in for Andy on today’s Daily Dose. Andy started to write the Dose today and muttered something that sounded like “Bake up your thyme, Red Attix you jackass.” I don’t know, it’s hard to hear when you’re as hung over as I am.
So, he barged into my office, threw pencils at me until I woke up and told me he wanted me to do the Dose. So let’s get to it.
First off, I want to second everything Andy said in his review of the movie “Miracle.” It’s the best Kurt Russell movie since “Overboard.” I laughed so hard, I nearly soiled myself. The scene where Emilio Estevez shows the kids how to shoot a slapshot was hilarious. He’s a genius.
Honestly, I don’t know why they called the movie “Miracle”, they should have just called it Mighty Ducks Four. Oh, well, who better knows how to market their stuff than Disney? As long as they keep pumping out quality movies like Toy Story, Finding Nemo and the Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again, they’ll never have a problem.
Baseball camps open on Saturday when Lou Piniella’s Tampa Bay Devil Rays report for duty. The Devil Rays lost 100 games last year and they play in a division with the Yankees and Red Sox. Honestly, in order for them to be adequately prepared for the season, they should have started Spring Training in…oh…November.
But it’s great that baseball’s back. Honestly, some of my fondest memories as a kid are of going to old Ebbetts Field with my dad and sitting in the bleachers watching Duke Snider and Pee Wee Reese and Albert Pujols. Those were the days. If I close my eyes, I can smell the peanuts and the stale beer and I can picture my dad in his white Dago t-shirt, suspenders, cut off dress pants, brown dress shoes and brown socks. Oh, he was a handsome man.
That’s the thing about baseball, gang. It’s about fathers and sons. It’s about putting your differences behind you and spending time, relaxing with your loved ones. If not for baseball, the only memories I’d have of my dad would be of him putting his cigarettes out on the dog and banging hookers in the bedroom while my mom pounded on the locked door screaming that she was going to “cut it off.”
How much of that was out loud?
Martha Stewart’s trial is fascinating to me. Let me get this straight. In America, if you know that a stock that you own is going to go into the toilet you can’t sell it? Remind me to dump my GE stock. Especially if the sale to Desipio ever goes through. Tim-berrrrr!
The prize witness for the prosecution was a guy who worked for her investment firm and the defense got him to admit that he frequently used drugs while he was working for the company. What, a rich, young stockbroker using drugs? Somebody call Michael J. Fox and we’ll make a movie about it!
Speaking of our favorite dwarfish actor, did you see him on Conan last night? At one point he called himself a “twitchfest” which was funny and sad, since his Parkinson’s Disease is pretty much continuing unabated, but the real prize of the show was just before that when the Space Needle mudwrestled the CN Tower. I guess you had to see it.
By the way, Michael J. Fox has joined the cast of “Scrubs”. You all remember Scrubs, it’s the only funny show that NBC has left and they took it off of Thursday nights because apparently it was getting ratings that were too high for their comfort. Or something.
The guy with the tight pants has re-signed with the Cubs. Maybe he can afford pants that fit now?
The Bears hired Greg Maddux’s agent to be their tight ends coach. Really?
Phil Rogers thinks that Rickie Weeks was the first pick in last year’s draft. Somewhere, Delmon Young would beg to differ.
Luther Head likes the home games. You know, the ones he can walk to.
Andy wanted to break in and address today’s Mariotti diatribe. Today it’s about how Notre Dame’s football is in complete disrepair. Boss man…
Thank you Karry, and by the way, I’m impressed you knew that Rickie Weeks wasn’t the first draft pick. See, even at your advanced age and drunkeness you’re more lucid than Phil Rogers.
Today, Mariotti puts down the doughnut to give a typically thoughtful, insightful look at Notre Dame football.
As in the past, I could have eaten a bowl of Alpha Bits and shat out a better column than this.
Mariotti contends that elite football players don’t want to go to Notre Dame because they don’t know who the Four Horsemen are. He bases most of his criticisms for the column on a phone conversation he had with some nitwit Irish alumn who lives in Wisconsin. Look, anybody smart enough to go to Notre Dame and dumb enough to live in Wisconsin by choice is obviously a schizo. Step away from this man carefully.
Here’s a doozy from Jay, “In the ever-evolving landscape of college football, this program is on no higher footing right now than Northern Illinois.” That’s right, NIU has the same quality football program as Notre Dame, because one 10 win season erases 100 years of football ineptitude for the Huskies and also erases 100 years of success for Notre Dame. Look, I went to NIU, I was as happy as anybody that they had a good year, but even for the dumbest man with a pen in Chicago, this statement is absurd. In fact, you know it was in there so that he could double his radio audience today from six to twelve.
Why is it that Mariotti insists on writing a column every day? He obviously has run out of things to write about. Why doesn’t he do us all a favor and kick back, take a few months off and just drink a nice big glass of Shut the Hell Up?
Back to you, Karry.
Mike Kiley says that Andy MacPhail and Mayor Daley are becoming regular chums.
Did I mention yesterday that the SI swimsuit issue is out?
Did I?
Paul DePodesta is 31 and he’s going to be the GM of the Dodgers? I have underwear older than him! Hey Andy! You’re 31 and you’re not the GM of a major league team! Ha ha!
Andy’s note: “Karry…do you want to go back in the cage?”
Phil Jackson’s apparently tired of banging the owner’s daughter.
What part of injury-plaged and sucky do the Redskins not understand with Mark Brunell?
The Wonderful World of “ahhh! I’m being crushed to death by this parade float!”
America’s finest news source reports that Saddam Hussein is dictating over his little jail cell.
Until next time, America!….
This whole Karry Ling thing is never funny. Please stop doing it.
Mom, is that you?
hey not funny – don’t read the karry ling articles
Dees article was guh-reat!
For me to poop on!
Nothing beats guys dressed up as huge towers mud wrassling on national TV.
The skit with Conan and Scott Thompson on the tour of Toronto was great, too.
Conan’s the man.
Drudge is reporting that John Kerry has his own intern scandal. A quick summation: she has left the country at the urging of Kerry and Wesley Clark predicted in a not-so-off-the-record interview the other day that "Kerry will implode over an intern issue". It is also the reason why Hootin’ Howard Dean has not dropped out of the race and has even become more aggressive in recent days.
Hell, I dipped my wick all over this great land, but at least I balanced the budget…
Good thing for the Bushes that I wasn’t outed. If so, the legacy wouldn’t exist.
Wow. Didn’t know Desipio was such a left-wing rag. Must be hard for you fellas to choose a presidential nominee from this cast of clowns. Good thing you got all the media outlets on your side.
Like Clear Channel, EIB, Fox News, Limbaugh, Coulter, George Will and Bob Novak to name just a sample?
Lurch, that observation is sooo 1995.
I didn’t know that disgust with this administration made someone a left-winger.
Try the term "generally disaffected" as in, "I can’t tolerate any of these mofos" But hey–if it’s easier for you to make these broad observations so you can acheive YOUR agenda, then fire away.
See, I knew enough never to "implode over an intern" or in her mouth or anything.
Oh, wait, forgot about that goddamn dress.
I’m never wrong!
If it was Howard Dean who was having an affair, you just get the idea that his old lady would have bludgeoned him to death.
The bad news for Kerry, if it’s true, isn’t that his presidnetial hopes could be dashed, but that he probably had signed a prenup with his rich wife, and so then he’d be SOL.
So he banged an intern, big whup. Look what me and Max Cleeland like to do.
Besides, look how hot I am! I’m nearly lucid!
![]("http://www.gwu.edu/~action/2004/kerry/kerrvid02n.jpg"/)
I knew I loved my wife when I got an erection at John Heinz’s funeral.
A billion damn dollars will do that to you every time.
That Max Cleeland photo makes me fondly recall that precious Bellichek-Parcells sweet embrace.
Hey Bill! C’mere!
![]("https://www.desipio.com/images/parcells-belichick.jpg"/)
Wheelchair rides, 50 cents!
Wait, I think Gee Dub Bush is trying to make a commie out of me again.
I knew I loved my wife when I got an erection at Lassie’s funeral.
Hey, Jim! C’mere!
![]("http://home.earthlink.net/~smschoeck/images/lassie.jpg")
Huh?’s examples (some redundant) are just pimples on the ass of the overall "liberal media", 1995 or not. CNN? Major networks? Virtually all of Hollywood?
Mr. Huh?:
You named a bunch of opinion columnists and Fox News, a cable news channel, in refuting Lurch’s observation that the major media outlets are all rooting heavily for liberal Democrats. Let’s review: on the ‘conservative’ side of media outlets there is Clear Channel and Fox News. I use scare quotes because Fox puts on as many liberals as they do conservatives, thus they -appear- to be conservative when compared to the all-liberal, all-the-time outlets. Now, on the ‘left-of-Lenin’ side we have: ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS, CNN, NPR, MSNBC… not exactly an even matchup. And if you want to include op-ed pages, I submit to you the New York Times, Boston Globe, Washington Post, Chicago Trib as examples of blatantly liberal op-ed pages. And for balance, we have… the Wall Street Journal’s op-ed page. That’s it. I think you’ve lost, as liberals always do when presented with facts and logic rather than groupthink and invective.
Oh, and by the way, EIB -IS-Limbaugh, genius.
I’d just like to point out that Mrs. Edmonds is one, hot, bitch.
Take it somewhere else, cats.
Like one lefty or righty post is going to change someone’s mind?
Isn’t there a "Moderately-Informed and Hyperbole-Rich Political Discussion" chatroom you can go to?
Morpheus & Lurch and Huh?,
When you cry about the liberal media, you come off as no more rational than the left wingers (i.e. Michael Morre) who DO THE EXACT SAME THING. In their world, the media is NOT liberal for, if they were they would be exposing Justice Scalia’s conlfict of interest vis-a-vis the Haliburton invesitigation, they would uncover the Bush-Bin Laden relationship…heck they would have persisted with the above-mentioned Bush Sr.–Jennifer Fitzgerald relationship. The truth, my friends, lies somewhere in between. You cite how Fox has "liberals" (I really hate these tags, they obfuscate rather than illuminate) on their shows, but you can say that about any medium. I mean, isn’t George Will on ABC Sunday mornings (I know he used to be)? Will, Novak and O’Reilly are featured in the supposedly liberal Sun-times op-ed pages, which also features our favorite hypocrite, Jesse Jackson.
I’m just a third-party observer, but it seems to me that neither side has any credibilty when they spray all over the field like some of the people here.
Me hate Politiks. Me love basball and tits. Me no think it make difference who get elect. All liar, all fake, all bad, no good.
I’ve been trying to stay out of this stuff, as last I checked, Desipio was a sports site. However, morpheus, you seem to be distorting the facts a little there bud. While FOX news is a cable channel, it is the child of the FOX network (which you conviently left out of the network talley) and its ridiculous to say that all ABC, NBC or CBS affiliates are liberal/conservative, considering most a lot of these stations are owned by Clear Channel to begin with. In fact, most news outlets are now owned by large corporations that exist to make money, not push agendas. They live to cover the story of the day in a way that will attract as many viewers as possible (I don’t remember much liberal bias in the coverage of Operation Iraqui Freedom during the ground campaign). At this point, it’s a crutch for either side to claim a media bias (kind of like painting all liberals as commies, or all conservatives as facists). Finally, you think the Tribune op-ed page is liberal? Man, that’s scary.
Well put, KD.
I like CT. I have confidence in CT’s ability to make informed opinions. We have some high hopes for CT.
But, doesn’t the liberal Mr. Huh (above) work for the Chicago Tribune? I talked to him every day during the season.
Coach,
Mr. Huh is not me. I’m David Huh. And I don’t write for the op-ed page.
Uh, thanks, Dick. Anyway, Bruce Weber couldn’t find an orange sport coat in Champaign Urbana? I can’t believe that. I’m sure Lou Henson left a couple lying around athletic offices somewhere.
Morpheus,
I will come back from beyond the grave and haunt your frustrated ass for calling my beloved Tribune "liberal". Liberal. Heh! I’ll show you liberal!
I just don’t want to have to read this claptrap until November (unless Gore runs again, then, December).
Especially when the posts/opinions are nothing new, retreads, yawn-inducing in der "freshness," etc.
It’s a long-standing Desipio tradition that in February we only talk about baseball, and KD striking out with girls at bars.
I’m dead, so Weber can borrow my plaid dress pants. Those are sweet.
Hey KD, why limit it to girls? You could strike out in bars with us, too.
It’s my fault. I posted the link to Bush’s Meet the Press fiasco on Monday.
From now on, the Dose will only delve into politics to show funny photos of politicians.
I’m a big fan of the Max Cleland-Theresa Heinz Kerry dry hump in #13.
And as for Karry Ling’s columns not being funny. Just do what I do.
Don’t read them.
That is all.
I’ve been known to down a drink or two at Clark’s on Clark with a friend.
I’ve just never downed a dude or two.
KD, I’d rather talk baseball too, as long it’s not about Maddux (talk about a dead horse). Unfortunately, nothing is happening now, other than arbitration cases (Eckstien and Jack Wilson won theirs today).
Hey soon you’ll be able to see Harvard students in the buff!
Shudder.
How on earth did Kerry not get this story into the Daily Dose? This is one of the biggest celebrity breakups ever!
http://cbsnewyork.com/topstories/topstories_story_043135359.html
I broke up with her for two reasons.
a) We’re not anatomically correct.
b) I’m gay.
Supergay, actually.
KD, you’re just pissed cause the Bulls are last in the Central and Pippen’s on the injured list.
Whoever thought Bulls fans would long for the days of Jerry Krause???
You think I’m pissed now, wait’ll you see what ends up on this site tomorrow morning.
The C’s are unoffocially tanking, so you’ll beat us tonight. That should help somewhat…
The game’s started, Bulls down 0-4. And Chris Mihm, can you believe it, is playing well.
Come on Paxson. How come your name has a redundant ‘s’ in it, anyway?
Is that Anna Kournikova?
How come this page has as many pictures of Ken as it does of Anna?
if this were MLS it would be OK.
8-1.
Corie Blount banging with Mark Bount.
What has the world come to???
Timeout!
Now that Paul Pierce has scored, we may actually be in trouble.
Celts up 15-9.
who hoo – i’m in.
Boston are so thin up front, they couldn’t cover the paint if they laid down on it.
Remind me again who drafted Kirk Hinrich?
Bulls hit the lead, 22-21, 2½ to go.
I’m the only guy in green over 6-9 and am making you bunch of over-paid, talent-heavy freaks look damn ordinary.
7 and 6 after one, match that Tycey baby.
Chi 29
Bos 25
Pax, you only traded Donyell for the Junk Yard Dog because you wanted another ‘J Williams’ on the roster.
Bulls on a 7-0 run.
I had no idea my legs were so long…
Bulls have 14 assists on 16 baskets.
No wonder they’re up.
margin now 13.
Hey John, I have 8!
I never should have made that first basket.
Now I’m 1 of 5, in 18 minutes mind you.
Now it’s 9.
and 5 threes.
Boston are toast.
Just as well I’m playing – 10 points, 4 boards.
Margin still 13.
I have 11 assists, sir.
I’d like to thank everybody foraking my job so much easier [blush, blush].
61-46, Bulls up 15.
Hinrich 18 and 11, Crawford 14 and 5.
Mihm 10 and 4, Blount 7 and 7.
Boston 1-7 threes, Chicago 7-11.
Has anyone actually gotten their copy of the SI Swimsuit Edition in the mail yet? I got my "regular" issue on Thursday (as usual", but no Swimsuit issue. I wonder if that’s why the mailman (not Karl Malone) was sitting in his truck so long.
I got neither the regular SI nor the swimsuit issue yesterday.
Dave, I got my regular issue on Thursday too, but I’m still waiting on the swimsuit issue. My maillady is pretty good looking though, which makes me wonder, what’s she doing with my magazine…
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