Yesterday, our normally thoughtful, intelligent, witty discussion of baseball and the NCAA tournament turned into an assclown fest. I’m not sure how it happened, but it did.
OK, I do know how it happened. I called Billy Packer an assclown, and then I seeded a 16 team assclown tournament. But there are so many more than 16. So here’s the deal. If we can come up with 65 of them (and that won’t be hard–in fact, we’ll end up whittling it down to 65, maybe we can have that Assclown NIT, too?) we’ll seed them and have a full tournament.
Now, I don’t want this to turn into one of those sad Page 2 tournaments where it’s just never funny, but then, we’re not the morans who read Page 2, so why would it sink to that?
Here’s who we’ve got so far.
Jay Mariotti
Chip Caray
Steve Bartman
Joe Buck
Phil Rogers
Jim Tocco
Mike Murphy
Thom Brennaman
Jim Edmonds
Brent Musberger
Billy Packer
Kenny Williams
Bob Knight
Stu Scott
Rob Neyer
Ozzie Guillen
Steve Kline
Clettitte (Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte)
Scott Boras
Al Hrabosky
Bill Walton
Hawk Harrelson
Jack McKeon
Tim McCarver
William Ligue, Jr.
That’s 26, and last night I had one of those moments where you have to hit yourself in the head because you’ve been so daft.
Hub Arkush
How could I forget? Here’s a legit number one seed, and I forgot him. I feel nauseous now.
So feel free to use the Discussion area below and let’s get our 65 so we can start counting them down.
The only criteria for being an Assclown is that you are one and don’t know it. It’s what disqualifies me.
Right?
Right?
—
Bruce Miles was on Sports Central last night with awful, little Dave Kaplan and Tom Waddle and Kaplan asked Miles if the Cubs were a 100 win baseball team. Miles, one of the more reasonable beat writers, thought about it for a minute and said, “Yeah, I think they are.”
A hundred wins? Are these the 1906 Cubs?
I’m as optimistic–maybe more optimistic–than the next Cubs fan, but 100 wins?
For the Cubs to do that they’ll have to get great seasons out of The Franchise, Kerry Wood, Carlos Zambrano, Greggie Maddux, Sammy!, Corey Patterson, Derrek Lee and E-Ramis Ramirez.
A hundred wins?
They’ll have to play as well at home this year as they did on the road last year.
A hundred wins?
They’ll need Regular Joe, The Farns and LaTroy to shut the door with regularity.
A hundred wins?
They’ll need the fans to keep their hands to themselves and Wendell Kim to hide in the weeds and let the runners coach themselves.
A hundred wins?
They’ll need Dusty to throw himself in front of the media bus every time there’s a hint of trouble or controversy.
A hundred wins?
They’ll need the bench guys like Todd Hollandsworth, Todd Walker, Ramon Martinez and the great Tom Goodwin to come through in a pinch.
A hundred wins?
They’ll need to continually pants the lesser-lights in the NL like Milwaukee, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, the Rockies and the Mets.
A hundred wins?
They’ll need to spend another summer stuffing it up the hindquarters of mouth breathers like Matt Morris, Steve Kline and Carwash King Jeff Kent.
A hundred wins?
Oh, the hell with it. I’m in.
The Cubs are like a really hot woman. If you stand close enough and stare hard enough you can come up with enough flaws to start doubting just how hot she is. But if you take a big step back and look at her, you get the real picture.
I’m going to say this carefully so as not to completely freak out you normally pessimistic Cubs fans.
The little bunch who plays their games in that ivy covered burial ground at 1060 West Addison Street…you know, the ones with the baby bear for the mascot and the lights that only work about three times a month…you know, those guys?
They’re the best team in the National League. They just are. You can freak out about Mark Prior’s sore foot, and Mike Remlinger’s rehabbing shoulder and what size hat Sammy Sosa has, and everything else. But they’ll start proving it for good on April 5 and they just don’t seem likely to stop until they’re being introduced along the first base line in an American League ballpark in mid-October as the 2004 National League Champions.
How about we stop worrying, and start enjoying?
This stuff doesn’t happen that often around here.
—
Matt Clement doesn’t want the Cubs to turn him loose after the season. Heck, Matt, they might do it during the season.
Todd Wellemeyer acts like striking out three Brewers in the 17th inning of his Major League debut was no big deal.
John Tait is a Bear and Ephraim Salaam might become one. He’s not related to Rashaan is he?
Rick Morrissey tries to be funny. It’s better than when he tries to be smart.
Rosey flips a coin through his bracket, which is just a colossally stupid idea for a column, and rather boring. So guess what? No link. He can waste my time, but I’m not letting him waste yours.
Weber wonders why they even play the damn Big Ten title game. I wonder if he’d be wondering if they’d come home with the bigger trophy on Sunday? Hmm?
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write this piece of crap about Bill Self. I have no idea what the point is? That’s not new for Jay.
The Cubs aren’t worried about Kent Mercker’s back. See, that’s the spirit.
Greggie is being stalked by Todd Wellemeyer.
Rod Beck has left Padres’ camp for “personal reasons.” I’ll bet he had to have the tires rotated on his house.
We’ve seen the last of Scottie Pippen on the court.
The Orioles and Dodgers are working on a trade for the immortal Jay Gibbons. The trade would clear room on the Ballmer roster for BJ Surhoff. Oh, for chrissakes…
Jim Palmer says Brady Anderson was on steroids. Who does Jim think he is, Andy Van Slyke?
Terrell Owens might get to go to Philly after all. Screw him. Make him play for the Ravens.
Peter Gammons goes around the league.
Headcase David Boston and Coach Wanny? What a combo.
Peter King on the D-Rays. Huh?
Maybe Luther Head can counsel the two troubled Racers? Murray State just got a lot easier to beat.
We’re spoiling our pandas with porn, now.
For no good reason, Halle Berry.
The world’s greatest newspaper says Kim Jong-Il will hand over his nukes for a preview of Star Wars Episode III. Sounds fair to me.
My suggestions:
Skip Bayless
Stephen A. Smith
Joe Morgan
Wayne Larivee
Dave Wannstedt
I’ll try to think of more…
As long as its in Philly, I’ll play in the ass-clown tournament.
I’m at least a 5 seed.
Assclows in no particular order:
Mike North, all members of the NFL Today not named Dan Marino, Max Kellerman, Steve Alford, Bruce Pearl, George Steinbrenner, Brian Baldinger, Daniel Snyder, Steve Spurrier, Isiah Thomas and Charley Steiner
Other assclowns:
Tony LaRussa
Bob Huggins
Greg Blache
Eddie Robinson
Richard Hatch
Chris Rose (from the unwatchable Best Damn Sports Show)
Ty Law
Joe Carter
Chris Berman (when he’s doing anything but football highlights, ESPECIALLY baseball)
Harold Reynolds
Rick Sutcliffe
Also, does Darrin Jackson get his own entry or is he lumped with Hawk?
The Cubs cut the roster down to 45, for anyone interested, here’s a link to the list of cut players and their destinations:
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=citadel-2_242996_260&prov=citadel&type=lgns
Good lord, how could I forget about the idiot responsible for bringing mesh hats back for all the fashionable white males to wear:
Ashton Kutcher
More assclown candidates:
Matt Morris
Greg Blache
Jerry Angelo
Brian Baldinger
Joe Carter
Gary Barnett
Jeff Kent
Ed O’Bradovich
Mike North
Rob Goldman (of Lake Co. Sherriff’s Police Fame)
Mark Chmura
More…
Josh Lewin
Dr. Jack Ramsay (I think he picked against the Bulls in every Finals they went to)
Dr. Jack, are you kidding?
How about:
Max Kellerman (and the guy who took over for him on Around the Horn, Tony Reali)
Jim Rome
Billy Packer
Peter King
Julie Swieca
Ummm, just about anybody from Survivor
#1s: Mariotti, Caray, Stuart Scott, and Edmonds
and Don Zimmer, Turk Wendell, and Terry Bradshaw.
AssClown Nominees:
Ryan Seacrest
Clay Aikens
Jeff Probst
Donald Trump
Blair Hull
Donald Rumsfeld
John Kerry
Bob Pulford
Dave Kingman
Joe Morgan
Jim Miller (the ex-QB)
Jim McMahon
Jim (long silent pause) Rome
Jerry Krause
AJ Pierzynski
Hi Sloth!
I can’t believe it took this long to get to Joe Morgan.
Re: Joe Morgan.
I can’t usually surf Desipio until 11. I do have SOME work to do.
Don’t forget me! And, Hue Hollins, Moran guy, Jaime Navarro.
Andy:
Check the 1st response again.
I apologize for my inclusion of Dr. Jack. He is not an assclown. Although he was against the Bulls in the 90’s.
What about Beege?
I nominate me and the guy who narrates those awful Sox radio commercials.
Don Henley.
Isiah Thomas.
Al Gore.
Jay Leno.
Jann Wenner.
Mitch Lawrence.
Todd Hundley, Jeff Fassero, Antonio Alfonseca, the list of ex-cub assclowns is endless.
Bennifer
Tim McCarver
Steve Kline
Dick Vitale
Al Sharpton
Mouthbreathin’ Matt Morris
The French
Quinn Snyder
Katie Couric
Paris Hilton
Mike Tyson
Jose Canseco
…and anyone who was involved in blowing up the Bartman ball.
It’s getting used up pretty good. It’s about time to go to committee.
Well, as for me, outside of Dubya, I nominate the guy from Fresno who shotgunned nine of his children from six different women, who all wore burqas out in public and supported his ass (and this is where it gets confusing), two of the children were born by two of his other children.
So when he shot his children, did he shoot his daughters who also bore some of his other children? So did he shoot nine or 11 children? Does one death count twice? Or is it seven?
I dunno, I’m so confused.
Marcus Wesson, of Fresno, CA….Assclown!
and how could I have forgotten…
Kurt Warner
Kurt Warner’s wife
Rick Ankiel
John Shoop
Gene Keady
Bud Selig
Mike Lupica
Charlie Sheen
Hugh Grant
Tom from Bob & Tom
Justin Timberlake
Alan Iverson
…and anyone who has anything to do with that stupid Dream Job contest on ESPN.
Clearly, the biggest tool on the face of the earth is Tom Tolbert.
My buddy Peter Francis Geraci needs to be on there, too.
And of course, Brian Cashman is the devil.
And since I’m a 49ers fan, how about John York for dismantling the team.
And, finally, our former tulip-picking quarterback Jeff Garcia, for refusing to take a pay cut, then signing with the Browns for even less than the pay cut offered. And for having the throwing arm of a 7-year-old girl.
Looks like we’re going to have an NIT Assclown bracket.
Instead of the Assclown NIT, I think we need a Sports Assclown NCAA, Reality Show Assclown NCAA and Miscellaneous Assclown NCAA.
I like the idea of a cross-genre Assclown-off.
Maybe we should divide it into different ass levels. Assclown, Asshat, Asscastle.
Really, the possibilities are endless.
And, if you listen closely, you can actually hear the IQ points dropping.
A Peter Francis Geraci invocation? OMG..then let me toss Jay Janssen, Peter Ferracutti, Jeffrey Levin and all the other vampires and ambulance chasing whores who passed the bar and advertise on the TV.
Andy, how far off the path CAN we steer this thing?
PS. My kid’s basketball team, which finished 6-18, had their banquet last night. I led them all in a rousing chant of "Bring on Durand". Touching.
How about Justin Klemm?
How did I miss Brenda Warner??!?!?
Also, Sean Salisbury. (Why is he so mean to that nice retarded boy John Clayton?)
How abot Glen Kozlowski (ex-Bear and current WGN Radio weekend hack)? He and Memalo make it very hard to listen to that show on the weekends. And they make Kaplan sound like a genius.
Memalo is the absolute worst sports guy on the air in Chicago. Nothing will make me switch stations faster than that ND-fellating assclown.
My God, how could I have forgotten these five last night?!?!?!?
Nancy Cantor definitely needs to be included. Chancellor here at U of I. Dumber than a rock.
Lloyd Carr, Michigan head football coach.
Jim Nantz, when not doing golf.
Dick Enberg, when not doing golf.
Mike Tirico, when doing golf.
I’ll try thinking of more later, but I have class to go to now. Wait, does that make me an assclown too?
B.C.,
Going to class doesn’t make you an assclown. You just being you is what qualifies you. We don’t need to know your class times, just like we don’t need an announcement announcing when you are going to announce when you are going to post one of your crappy articles.
if jeff garcia makes the cut, then tim couch is definitely on the board. garcia may be a gay burn victim, but at least he doesn’t cry about it.
has anyone yet mentioned ricky henderson or carl everett?
shouldn’t the gay-for-pay japanese player for the indians be the king of the assclowns?
I must disagree.
1)Dick Enberg is no assclown
2)Dan Marino is the living definition of an assclown
Oh my! (I try to work it in at least once each game)
"Rickey’s alright with me."
Speaking of ambulance chasers, how about the lawyer who sold the Bartman ball for $113,000? Also, there should be a class action entry (or no-class action) of loud-mouth, obnoxious jerk White Sox fans (we all know who they are).
hey guys! don’t forget about me!
Hello? What about me baby? I’ll dominate this tourney!
Individually or as a group, we belong in this group.
For s-and-g’s:
Jeri Ryan
And yes, she’s an asshat…because she left her husband, Senate candidate Jack Ryan for a Star Trek producer, back when she was Seven of Nine.
Cheaters and Adulterers deserve to eternally swill piss in their own cell in hell.
I honestly can’t believe it took more than 30 names before Mike North was mentioned. He’s a number one seed; two at the absolute worst (or best…or whatever the criterion are).
Still burning from that whole thing, huh, honey?
If you’re going to talk about Jack Ryan’s divorce, you might as well throw me in there. I know some dirt on bad things Jack apparently did, but I won’t tell you.
By the way, did you know I served 6 years in the Hanoi Hilton?
Elijah Wood
http://www.veryverygay.com/elijahwood/ewivvg.html
…and celebrities with only one name: Cher, Madonna, Bono, etc.
Lars from Metallica is a top see without a doubt.
Mike Piazza for not just coming out of the closet. But mostly for being gay.
Jason Giambi. Have you seen those god-awful commercials?
Chris Collinsworth.
And anyone from Indiana.
Enjoying this, but no way AI is an assclown. Yes, he’s difficult to work with, and you can’t blame him for having authority issues, but he’s one talented, fearless sob and I want him on my team (Fantasy or otherwise).
"and anyone from Indiana"
that ALMOST sent my Pepsi out my nose.
I am not the devil, though he does sign my paychecks. Admit it though, you wish we were both calling the shots for the Cubbies.
ps – I’m no assclown either…but these guys are:
John Henry
Peter Gammons
Curt Schilling
the Mike Seaver guy from Growing Pains
Al Davis
Tony Danza
Joe Piscopo
John Sterling – voice of the Yankees…take my word for it
Brett Michaels
Matt, he said "Alan Iverson" was an assclown, not AI.
I don’t know why this guy:
…is such an assclown.
Well, maybe I do.
Barry Bonds. Need anyone say anything more?
What, no mention of me?
To fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise, without being wise: for it is to think that we know what we do not know. For anything that men can tell, death may be the greatest good that can happen to them: but they fear it as if they know quite well that it was the greatest of evils. And what is this but that shameful ignorance of thinking that we know what we do not know? by texas hold’em