Pitching matchup:
Cubs: Carlos “The Lawnmower” Zambrano, 4-1, 2.08 ERA
Astros: Roy “Little Possum” Oswalt, 2-3, 3.73 ERA
Lineups:
Cubs
Todd Walker, 2b
Ramon Martinez, ss
Corey Patterson, cf (Huh?)
Moises Alou, lf
E-Ramis Ramirez, 3b
Todd Hollandsworth, rf
Derrek Lee, 1b
Paul Bako, c (God, why?)
Carlos Zambrano, p
Astros
The Beege, cf
Adam Everett, ss
Jeff Bagwell, 1b
Jeff Pornstache, 2b
Mike Lamb, 3b
Raul (Don’t call me Endy) Chavez, c
Orlando Palmeiro, rf (what is this a Spring Training game?)
Little Possum, p
Is Oswalt with or without his groin tonight?
CP, try a couple of bunts so we can find out.
lawnmower man will definitely be mowing some astro grass tonight!
let’s warm that engine up.
Sinkerballer in crackerjack box… I like our chances.
I love the Beege!
He loves my long sleeve Astros gray shirt, too.
Chip just said, "And yes friends, it’s just important."
Who’s he talking to?
Friends?
Not here.
Chip just said, "And yes friends, it’s just important."
Who’s he talking to?
Friends?
Not here.
Guh. Love the double post.
Alert Tom Ridge and the Homeland Security Boys, I’m in the lineup!
Is there a lower level for my meter?
Did I miss the flight?
There are a lot of me empty.
Me no hit fastball.
Me no hit curveball.
I’d like to use a tee, please.
VS LH (.283)
VS RH (.222)
VS BAKO (.143) 1-7
Me no check swing.
Remember when I hit 2 homers in a game from the #2 spot? That was awesome!
Hey, who do I have to blow to hit third?
Oh, wait, guess I figured it out.
Hey Barrett,
The number two guy is supposed to bunt, not hit homers. You played your way out of that spot.
Watch Ramon, that’s how you do it.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/bvsp?pitcherId=4575
Mike Lamb has made errors as a pinch hitter?
I told you fools already, "you got any better ideas?"
Hey, see the home vending machine for your beverages! I’m just like a mini fridge only more cumbersome and more expensive! Buy me!
just thought i would put our useless pieces of shit at the top of the lineup. they definitely proved me right. 1-2-3. great job guys.
Does this mean I’ll start tomorrow too? Yippee!!!!
I’m batting second because I’m 3-5 against Oswalt of course.
You guys get me tomorrow, too!
"It’s always good to keep Biggio off the basepaths."
I don’t want him tired out for tonight.
Rowrrr!
Chip just said, "Adam Everett’s a guy the Astros waited a long time to bring up to the majors, and then when he was here, frankly people wondered if he was up too early."
Just what the hell does that mean?
I put Bako in there for defense.
Oh wait.
see why i started tonight.
Look at my defensive prowess. I am god.
Please set the Bak-o-meter to APOCALYPSE!
Man, I’m terrible.
APOCALYPSE only comes if I ever connect for my first ever Cubs homer.
Chip wants to know where Bagwell’s power has gone.
I’d say regimented drug testing made it go bye bye.
The same general pitch location as his last start-which is up.
That’s why he was a former MVP.
Was a former MVP? How about is a former MVP?
Dusty says Kent will be a first baseman some day. He’ll be 37 next year, how long’s he planning on playing, until he’s 60?
Like Albie Pujols?
Have I mentioned the visibility conditions yet?
Berkman’s not that hot. In his last seven games he’s only hitting .467 with five homers and 10 RBI.
Yikes.
The first place Reds lead the Marlins 1-0 in the 5th.
Paul Wilson is outdueling Josh Beckett and trying to go to 7-0.
Chip was talking to Lance before the game?
What, I’m not good enough for him?
No KY tonight, Chip.
Watch how far Carlos comes towards home plate to take the throw from Bako.
Two things, 1) he knows he’s big and scary, 2) he knows Bako’s liable to throw it into center field.
Beege would not have caught that.
No score.
I’m glad that flyball was so dramatic.
first inning- astrograss mowed.
Think I’ll get the start tomorrow against Pettite?
Hey, I can play right!
It was a "dramatic catch".
We’ve never met a first pitch we didn’t like.
I just made a Bartman joke.
Great.
That was a pretty pleasant look I gave that gentleman.
I wish I had TIVO.
Oswalt will like me – DLee, Bako and Zambrano
Not so fast, Top of the 3rd.
I’ll hit my ground out in the second.
Oops, I meant to strike out.
Fine, Derrek. I’ll have to take Bako, Z and Walker, who seems to have finally made the transition to Cub by not getting on base ever.
That Geoff Blum, he really lit us up last year. He was great.
Blum hit .233 with 14 K’s in 43 at bats against the Cubs last year.
Just lit us up!
I pitched 4 and a third, one hit (I just made somebody’s year) and eight K’s. I’m sure whoever batted after the first out in the fifth had a big grin when I left.
Screw AAA Iowa, let me at the Astros next week.
I just hit a 240 foot home run.
I follow your homer with one of my own, Palmeiro
this game will be 1-1 bitches after i’m done.
Fear me! A single!
Though Biggio would have caught that he wasn’t a useless dwarf.
"It’s all in the wrists."
I can’t believe that moron Oswalt didn’t intentionally walk me
Biggio’s not that fast but he’s one of the leaders of this team.
How about leading around the outfielder a little faster, Beege?
Corey’s been working with me on my bunting.
Chippie ought to read this:
Pronounced: OWES-walt
Or go to work for us!
Steve just said that Biggio used to be a catcher, then a second baseman and now he’s an outfielder?
My gosh, I had no idea. Has he or Chip ever told us that before?
But if I pronounce it correctly, I can’t use my funny Lee Harvey Oswalt jokes.
I’ve got a million of them.
Screw it, I just stole second, now I’ll take third and home.
I’m the white, Rickey Henderson.
Just Bako being Bako.
I’m glad I’m hitting second.
Time to end this rally. Strikeout or weak grounder to first?
So many choices.
Strike out.
I’ll be welcomed back with open arms!
i love looking at strikes. i’m the sourest lemon of them all.
Hmm…from now on, I’ll have Bako bat second
could i possibly suck more than ramon? probably
Texas State Bank, your interest rates are too high! I will hit your sign with pitch!
Hah!
Is Beege going to be a Hall of Famer? He’s a first ballot sodomizer, let me tell you.
I can almost taste the pillow just thinking about it. Yum.
I’ll never get tired of Chip getting excited about obvious foul balls hit by opponents. Oh, he’s a real keeper, this monobrow dumbass of ours.
Steve is just about to regale us with tales of how the Astros traded for Jeff Bagwell because Cecil Cooper and Butch Hobson were manning the corners in Beantown at the time.
Bagwell was nine when Cecil was playing and Butch was freebasing for the Olde Towne Team, no wonder the Sawx didn’t think he had any power.
Up, up and away, in my beautiful, my beautiful balloooooon!
We am very insulted putting Chippie in our class.
what was that? my ass feels like grass after that one from the lawnmower man.
Orlando Palmeiro, you have angered me with your pathetic little pop-up homer! I shall smite the rest of the Astros!
What the fuck is an Astro anyway?
By the way, soccer’s my favorite sport. Perhaps I’m trying to turn the Desipio faithful against me?
Come on, I would’ve hit a home run by now
Why didn’t Alou hit me? Doesn’t he like me anymore?
Who’s up for a Jason Schmidt impersonation?
I can’t wait to lube up Beege’s balloon knot after the game.
I’m still the biggest asshole in the game!
When your teammates like Barry Bonds better, you’ve got problems. Like me!
Is that domain name taken?
wtf?
Chip, you ignorant slut,
You just said that other than Florida, nobody plays the old National League style anymore. Have you noticed that even Florida doesn’t play it?
Nobody but Castillo and Pierre run, and last year, the Marlins had everybody running and were terrible. They fired Jeff Torborg and Jack McKeon came in and said "Stop running you morans" and they started winning.
Please, be quiet.
Andy
Remember me? I was Corey Patterson before Corey Patterson!
I got called up by the Rangers today!
I’m a regular Paul Bako, with all these singles.
Dusty’s reason for starting Bako was because he wants to have Barrett hit against Pettitte? With an off day yesterday and one Thursday, couldn’t Barrett have just caught both nights?
I’ll be here bashing my head into the desk.
Uh, Gary, you were me, not Corey.
Good luck with the Strangers. If they’re lucky, they won’t hae to use you.
You got any better ideas?!?!
This is a damn conspiracy!
not a good idea
I missed it, did Chip say "no place to put him", when Oswalt came up?
let’s get in trouble every innning and make it interesting.
81 pitches through 4?
No problem, I can go til the 8th.
Chip says, "Biggio hauls that one down in the same spot Corey caught his."
Yeah and he had to run a third of the distance.
I’ma do some damage after D Lee grounds out
If we never came off the DL would anybody notice?
Really? Anybody?
Right here!
I missed the 2-0 take sign from Wavin’ Weiny Wendall. Sorry fellas. Is there new rating for the BAKO METER.
Did you know Biggio has changed positions twice?
Do they never "put in in their pocket?"
Barrett’s catching tomorrow? What am I going to do without my caddy?
Thank god this game will be over by the time I start.
First of all, 103 I’m now blind.
Secondly, Chip and Steve just regaled us…again…with the tale of Beege going from catcher to second to center. Holy crap, can they buy new material from somebody? Please?
Maybe Alex Kaseberg has some stuff for them.
You really ought to open one of these.
You really need to remember to click on these.
Wow, I can’t throw at all.
OK, I clicked on all 4 and bought $5800 worth of Paul Bako away jerseys. Does that help?
Oops. This one’s over.
Actually Andy, here are last year’s FLA stats:
McKeon 124g 150 steal attempts
Torborg 38g 74 attempts
Not much of a dropoff there.
Well that was fun.
I lead off the 6th.
Todd Wellemeyer or Beltran anyone?
Dude, I’m not even in Houston.
I’m meeting the guys in Pittsburgh.
Well, we’ll still be in 2nd after this one.
1 1/2 games behind the Reds?!?!
Mr. Reality,
Under Torborg they attempted nearly two steals a game. With Jack it was about half that. I’d say that’s different.
McKeon: 1.21 attempts/game
Torborg: 1.95 attempts/game
That’s about a 40% drop off.
Here’s where I let Zambrano bat and then take him out for the bottom of the inning.
I hate the Gatorade cooler!
I like Carlos’ chances better.
They used to cal me "Big Red", but with this pitching staff just call me "4th place".
Why am I in the big leagues? A construction barrel has a better chance of getting hit than I do.
Remember when I hit that homer in my first Cub at-bat?
That was awesome!
How long can I hide the fact that I don’t have a hit since my first AB as a Cub?
Roy has "everything" going for him. Including a lineup with Bako and Ramon in it and Corey inexplicably hitting third.
Why God why?
Drink every time Steve uses the word remarkable tonight. You’ll be drunk in four minutes.
The Sox are losing to the Rangers and I happily gave the 4-0 Cubs score about half a second after Carlos gave up the homer.
Even us announcers are preoccupied with the Cubs.
We get shutout a lot for a team with a highly ranked offense.
Macias borrowed my hitting shoes in LA, and I haven’t seen them since
I’m 3-19 as the #2 hitter this year.
Great.
My slugging percentage .284 is lower than my on base average .296.
Wow, I’m worthless.
paging- anybody that can hit the ball please, stand up.
If the Cubs are within 5 games of first after that stretch of games detailed in today’s dose, I think everyone would be happy with that.
Provided of course, by that time, at least 2 of Sosa, Wood and Prior are back.
I can’t believe it took Jason Schmidt 144 pitches to shut out this team. Was he pitching left-handed?
Mr. Reality, apparently we’re not acquainted.
I didn’t do any good
Shit,
I should have started.
I’m cruisin’!
Any bets on my at bat?
It will be 3 pitches or less.
See, I like #137, we were five out on August 29 last year and won.
In an attempt to get a home run, Corey, you will get me.
You guys wanna try to hit with me?
Corey loves me
Hi guys
Beege loves me
Then again 144, on May 25 2003, the Cubs had a 2 1/2 game lead.
Look at my dazzling speed! Third hit of the night for the Cubs.
Half a game behind the Cards and Astros.
Isn’t my groin scheduled to fall off at any time?
I’ll be in Gurnee to see Aramis at Sears on June 3! I love that mall! The girls there are so hot.
Drool.
I must swing as hard as I can
#152
You checkin’ my math?
It’s a damn conspiracy.
The only time the Cubs were more than 5 games out in 2003 was after they were beaten in consecutive games by the Phillies last July 23 & 24.
Rob, I’ll try and raise the bail money in advance.
E-ramis loves me
(with camera on Hooten)
back…back…back..back…back!
Is a wonderful thing. : )
#157, we were five out on August 29. I know this for a fact because I was there. Where were you?
Besides, everybody knows white people can’t do this math when it’s this hot out.
It’s a damn conspiracy.
For instance, did you know Hollandsworth’s brother in law is Giants pitcher Matt Herges?
Im a complete jack ass
Also, there have been 3 players with the name "Dolan" to play for the Cubs.
Sadly, none of them before the memorable championship season of 1908.
#161, you are unauthorizedly retransmitting the media guide without previously approved permission of the Cubs and Major League Baseball.
Now, let me take my strap-on off, pay the lesiban hookers I hired for the night and send the Internet cops after you!
Maybe we can help you guys out
Cozy Dolan was the best of us all.
If Moises Alou and Bert Hooten were about to shake hands….
Who flinches?
Yes, I wrote lesiban. I have to pay extra for those.
Don’t bother scoring, I’m going to put it out of reach here in the bottom of the seventh.
I turned down a basketball scholarship at North Carolina.
My bio also mentions my father Leon.
I wonder if next year’s will mention his "misunderstanding".
Sorry guys
boy am i clutch or what to kill a rally.
Boy, I’m glad I got that Derrek Lee contract extension worked out in spring training. Four more years of this is going to be great.
Not to self, no more gangly black guys at first base.
I’m in love with Adam Everet now
5 IP, 2 H, 1 BB, 2 K
Think they could use me?
Two Bartman jokes for Chip. If I didn’t think Beege was going to whip him with a rubber hose tonight, and that he’ll like it, I’d suggest it.
Chip just got way to excited about a routine double to left by Adam Everett.
Is it too much to ask that our announcers don’t root for the other team?
Well you’ve got Chip and Steve who root openly for the Cards and Astros.
Then you’ve got Hawk and Wimpy (or whoever) who go silent for innings at a time when the Sox are losing.
Something in the middle, perhaps?
Wow, I’ll avoid contact at all costs, won’t I?
Shut Up Chip
Is much more interesting than this crap.
It’s official, Paul Bako can’t do anything well.
We know he can’t hit.
He led the NL in passed balls last year.
He let two pitches drop today so he didn’t have to try and throw out basestealers.
And, on two plays at the plate he came way out in front of home plate to avoid getting touched. The first one he just let the ball go and the second one he would have had a play on had he set up at the plate and not five feet in front of it.
He is, without a doubt, the worst player in baseball.
Anyone wanna have some fun with me? Pat Hughes maybe?
I meant he led the NL in dropped third strikes, but he probably led in passed balls, too. Maybe the Media Guide can tell us.
I’m on FX.
Hey Pat, have some more coffee.
It’s good for you.
That reminds me I forgot to flush the toilet
Bako had 4 PB last year.
I own Lance Berkman! Whoo hoo, I’ve struck out every hitter I’ve faced in 2004. I’m studly!
Remlinger made me look stupid
bako puts no effort out once again.
Nice tag attempt
Curious that they don’t mention pitch counts in here?
I’d have had more passed balls if that official scorer wasn’t so generous with the wild pitches!
Damn him.
Do I bring the team down when I play?
Hawk just asked Darrin if he ever fouled a ball off his cup.
Now that’s some interesting conversation. Darrin just offered to show Hawk his scar, too.
Eww.
Last SB (before tonight) 7/22/01 vs. MON
Last HR: 7/7/02 against (who else?) the Reds
His number has been retired by his HS in Lafayette, LA because he was the first grad to ever reach the Majors. (I think it’s time to unretire it).
He’s actually had 2 8 game hitting streaks in his career.
Hey, who’s that batting?
Jason Dubois
Who?
I like that Dusty lets Bako play every so often because then I come back the next day and look like God’s gift to baseball in comparison.
Mt batting avg contiues to drop
Well, Dusty already used up Jackson…
My batting avg that is
I’m batting in Comiskey!
Look out!
For those of you Desipio readers in Houston, can someone send some bad room service to Bako’s room?
I’ve been to Mount Batting Average. Quite a hike.
Scenic.
Gary grounded to Valentin. Jose didn’t even throw it away.
6-2 Good Guys.
The Rangers, that is.
I’ve been traded 5 times in 7 years.
Is it me or do the Cubs play like crap after a day off?
…that anybody agrees to take you, huh, Bako?
Anybody see me grab the trainer’s ass in the dugout.
I miss Dave Tumbas, too.
I didn’t think so
Looks like Gallagher is sitting behind the Sox dugout tonight.
Beware the exploding watermelons.
I better be a good one tomorrow
Since we are all in a depressed mood with the Cubs down to Houston right now, I figured I would cheer you up with some news. Since I live in downstate Illinois that means I get Fox Sports Midwest (Read: The St. Louis sports channel) instead of Fox Sports Chicago (Read: The Cubs’ channel until the end of the year when it will show the "Best Damn Sports Show Period" and "I, Max" 24 hours a day for the rest of eternity. But I digress.) here.
Anyway, tonight FSM had a call-in show where Cardinals fans were practically in tears (Okay, not that bad, but close enough for my liking) about their precious little team. Complaints here, complaints there, complaints everywhere. One fan even had the audacity to complain about Jim Edmonds’ "lack of hustle" on grounders and in the outfield (And, when your own fans are seeing this problem you know you’re in trouble).
What made it a double bonus was that FSM had Jim Hayes (He’s a reporter, and a sucky one at that, for FSM) as their studio analyst, and he only acted like a jackass to some of the callers. One caller took a couple seconds to start asking his question about the Cardinals making a move. Hayes said that the caller should make a move "to a place where he can ask his question quicker". This guy needs to learn some manners, along with learning how to report the sport of baseball.
Boy, I really look like a good film, huh?
Actually…
How’d you like that strikeout? From three and oh, to three and three.
I like to use my closer with a five-run lead. These guys could bust out at any moment. Or not.
On the plus side, that means I technically saw six pitches. I thought you guys were sick of me jumping on the first pitch? I just can’t catch a break from you people.
Blecch.
Better luck tomorrow night.
Bring on Clettitte.
Well it could have been worse.
BC could have told us he was about to submit an article.
Our attitude was shit tonight. why did we not give a better effort tonight. we love rolling over and playing dead for those asstros.
The Cubs under Dusty Baker love playing to the level of their competition. Except in the games they don’t give a crap about. Tonight, apparently, was one of those nights.
Unless we score big in the first inning, we tend to lie down and play dead.
Andy, did your parents have any children that lived?
You are a festering puss-hole on the ass of decency.
I’m sorry this is getting out so late. I have spent the last 18 hours "driving the porcelain bus", rendered utterly nauseous and physically ill for all of the Man Love poured out by Chip and Stoney for Beege, Bags, and everybody else wearing an AssTroll uni.
They should be dismissed immediately.
Aramis…I love thee.