Is it wrong if I’m scheduling my work day around Maria Sharapova matches? Didn’t think so…. Who says Americans don’t care about tennis?
You can keep your Anna’s, Serena’s. And even Navratilova’s (B.C.’s current crush — you sick little freak).
Note: I honestly have no idea how old Miss Sharapova is. But I’m sure Sloth does, so make sure to visit the comments to see if she’s legal in your home state.
And I’d say that’s just about enough on Wimbledon for the time being. Anyway, for those of you taking a brief intermission from the timeless Sox Suck vs. Cubs Suck analytical debate and discourse (see: grade school pissing match), I thought I’d chime in for the second time in as many weeks with other important news and notes of the day that might otherwise have slipped under the radar.
First a quick, unbiased observation for the Cubbie diehards with an unrealistic view of the N.L. Central. I don’t see the Cardinals’ starting pitching maintaining their current level of performance, and they don’t seem prepared to add any compelling parts leading up to the trade deadline. I think Renteria is hiding a back injury that’s keeping his 2004 performance way below that of preseason expectations. But, the Astros are another story. If they were managed by nearly any major league managing retread (see: Fregosi, at the expense of Jimy, they’d be a lot scarier than they already are. I am an unfortunate owner of both Andy Pettite and Morgan Ensberg in my NL-only money league, and while Pettite’s stint on the DL may not have been Jimy’s fault, the fact that it’s almost July and Ensberg is still without a long ball falls squarely on the baggy-pants-wearing-clueless-Bitter-Beer-Face. Mike Lamb, are you freaking kidding me? Luckily Jimy’s not in control of the off-the-field moves, allowing them to finally get Beege the hell out of center field, though it does seem like they could have done better than David Weathers for Richard Hidalgo — even if they were just trying to clear a little cap space. I don’t see any dropoff whatsoever in the closing duties being handed off from Octavio Dotel to Brad Lidge, and when healthy you’ve still got an awfully solid pitching staff in Clemens, Oswalt, Andy and Wade. They could honestly only play dumber if Wendell Kim was the skipper, and even that’s debatable. Wendell would never bat Bagwell 6th, though he’d wave him home from 2nd on a linedrive single in a heartbeat. But you already knew all that…
As you know, Louisiana’s own karaoke master, Britney Spears, has had her fair share of coverage in this space over the years. You also may have noticed that it’s been a while since you’ve seen her here on the pages of Desipio. That’s because Britney is only second to Courtney Love in her hot-as-heck-to-trainwreck transformation over the last year. It all started when she broke Justin’s heart and it’s been downhill for her ever since. Justin gets a couple hit records and a moviestar girlfriend out of the deal, and Britney gets an embarrassing annulment, a twisted knee and an engagement to one of the wankstas of 2004’s feel-good-hit You Got Served. As you can see here, she’s even resorting to dumping out her own ashtrays.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the future Mr. Britney Spears was better off keeping it real with his baby’s momma, something called a Shar Jackson, that the two of you who religiously watch Moesha and The Parkers are already all too familiar. From now on she’ll be referred to as Miss Jackson, since deep down I’m still a little nasty — though not nearly as nasty as those overexposed gums (Dah-yum! I’d say her dental hygienist got served!). Kevin has obviously never heard that old adage about ‘never going back’ and instead he’ll settle for a pre-nup with Brit, joint custody between he and Miss Jackson, and hoping to live up to the insurmountable standard of playing Britney’s scraggly, rebellious man that Stephen Dorff delivered during the controversial Everytime video.
Kevin, that’s not how Stephen would have flipped off the paparazzi… Let’s try it again from the top, and action! That was it, Kevin! You Served those fools!!!
Tonight is the finale of Real World – San Diego, meaning there will be an instant reality void to fill in many of our lives, and also meaning that MTV very likely wussed out on really keeping it real by editing any mention of the alleged rape that occurred during the season. Kobe Bryant is said to have applauded the decision.
There’s always CBS’ Big Brother, which premieres Tuesday, July 6 — and will no doubt have even more unnecessary twists and turns than a B.C. post. I’m fully expecting a double-secret-veto-power privilege to be introduced this year, and the penalty diet of strictly peanut butter sandwiches to be replaced by fried Spam. Though if they really wanted to boost ratings they’d have Julie Chen show more skin. Um, was that out loud? Seriously, Chen is on record as saying the 5th installment of the U.S. version is “twisted.” Which I think is either Mandarin or Cantonese for “we’re going to add a bunch of new rules and see if we can totally screw up the U.K. version.”
Moving on… if there’s one thing that reality TV has been missing, it’s none other than Andy Dick. If I hadn’t already fulfilled my quota of B.C. slams, I’d share how he’s always saying that things go better with Dick, and in this case I completely agree. The set up is a complete rip-off of the Apprentice, where 12 attention-seeking guys and girls compete for the privilege of being Mr. Dick’s Assistant. It premieres on Monday, July 12. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed — unless you’re a different kind of Dick-fan, than you’re on your own I guess. I’d suggest checking out Bravo’s programming for the night.
Finally, bringing it back to the world of sports as only I can. I’ve been seeing a lot of Lance Armstrong lately which must mean it’s almost Tour de France time. You know that bicycle race in the mountains of, um, France I guess, that they have every 4 years like the Olympics. What’s that? It’s every year now? Whatever. Anyway, I only mention this because as many of you know, Lance dumped his loyal wife that stuck by his side during a life-threatening bout with cancer for the likes of Sheryl Crow. And who can blame him, though his ex ain’t too shabby either. And I only mention that because it’s a wonderful opportunity to post a Crow photo for those of you plagued by something called a Net Nanny.
Life’s not always fair, but at least you’ve got me looking out for you…
Is that me or Liz Phair?
I’ll tell you what I enjoy about the Sharapova matches on ESPN. She seems to always play near sunset which gives the whole court some Cinemax-lesbiporn lighting to the whole proceedings. If they ever set her matches to a soft jazz soundtrack…
Well, you get the idea.
Hi Sloth!
Why all the slams? I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve as many as I got in this article.
I mean, other than maybe telling one too many Chris Duhon and/or Duke jokes I really don’t know why Jake is mad at me all of a sudden.
Hello, B.C.
Nasty America,
I wasn’t referring to Jake while I was talking about you, punk.
B.C.!
How do you expect me to be Nice America when you are nasty to me? You hurt my feelings!
Maybe if you’ll be nice to me, then I’ll be nice to you.
Here’s what I will do… I won’t call you a punk again. You are right, that was mean. I still reserve the right to call you any other names, but for now I’ll be nice to you. All right Nasty America?
And, no, apologizing to a rhetorical fictionality does not make me insane. I think…
I love you, B.C.! Let’s never fight again. Watch out, Potter, I’m on his side now.
What, Jake, a grade school pissing match is beneath you? I seem to recall you getting riled up about some less than flattering comments by Nasty America about Duke. Guess those weren’t "timeless"?
ps – Further to my post yesterday, she’s 17. If there’s grass on the infield…
Maybe we were wrong about Chip all this time…
Maybe all the salad-tossing with the Beege led up to last night’s gift-wrapping of the game…
TC, I don’t believe I have ever exchanged words with Nasty America — unless he’s the contributor formerly known as John M.
B.C., I’m not mad at ya baby. Tough love. Though one Chris Duhon/Duke joke is certainly one too many and enough to get and stay on my bad side.
No offense, Nasty!
I am fully capable of slamming people I don’t hate. And it may just seem ‘all of a sudden’ from a timing perspective, but I’ve obviously built a lot of pent up agression over the last couple of months. And I’ve obviously also been reading every comment and article.
Groucho, Marriotti and the Wizard of Oz take their ribbings on a daily basis—meaning everyone is fair game here at Desipio, even you B.C…
Stop crying, you’ll know when I’m mad. This is nothing but a good-natured flick of the ear and tussle of the hair, whippersnapper.
Hey Jake, how about you massage my rib cage?
Thanx, y’all. I don’t need to do a google, since I got all of you, especially YOU, Intrepid #4. Nice work!
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