After watching the debacle that was the Cubs/Missouri Inbreds Friday night, it was apparent to me that the Cubs need a spark. Ok, you might say “it took you long enough.” But I wanted to give the Cubbie offense one chance in a high pressure situation. That was Friday night, and most expectedly, they blew it.

Some Cub fans are waving the white flag already. Wimps. I believe that there are two trades that Jim Hendry absolutely has to make for the Cubs to get the aforementioned spark and make a run and the Inbreds (see above) for the Central Division crown. In fact, if these trades went down, I’d be happier than a pig in slop. Or, comparably, David Wells in a birthday cake shop. Or Tim Montgomery at Jose Canseco’s house. So Jim, here’s my plea to you, from a desperate Cub fan:

1. Matt Clement for Nomar Garciaparra. Never in my life did I believe that Nomar would become expendable in Boston. Apparently Terry Francona (the dope) believes that Pokey Reese is the answer at shortstop in Boston. If this trade were presented to the Cubs, I would consider it a “must do.” Here’s the skinny. If Ramon Martinez or Rey Ordonez (stick Danny Almonte out there, he might hit better) are the answers at shortstop for the interim, we’re screwed. I believe that Alex Gonzalez is serviceable at short, actually, more than serviceable. You just can not pass up the opportunity to bring Nomar to Chicago. I don’t understand the people who say that Nomar is “getting old.” He turns 31 on July 23rd! He’s got four good years left in the big leagues. I believe a change of scenery will be a huge jumpstart for Anthony Nomar Garciaparra’s career.

Matt Clement is having a good season. Don’t let that 7-7 record fool you. He’s got 1/18th the run support that Mark Buhrele is getting this season, and still has a comparable record. To gauge Clement’s season, though, look at his ERA. That 2.83 is pretty salty. He’s only given up 88 hits in 111 1/3 innings while striking out 118. This may be the sticking point, though: Nomar makes 11.5 million this year, while Clement is raking in a cool six mil. If Hendry can get some of Nomar’s salary paid through Beantown, it’ll make the Tribune Company (tighter than A.C. Green) a little happier on this one.

Something tells me we’d be ok in the fifth starter’s spot for the rest of the year. The fleshy-faced Glendon Rusch has thrown delightfully well throughout the season, and Sergio Mitre is only going to get better. Once the playoffs come around, though, it’s going to be hard to go beat Prior, Wood, Zambrano, and Maddux four times. Give me all the “Maddux is washed up” lines you want, the guy has been pitching in the playoffs for the last decade, I’ll take him in a pinch.

2. Alex Gonzalez for Eddie Guardado. This could be a stretch, but a boy can dream. I think this trade would work well for Seattle in one way, but could hurt them in another. Rich Aurilia is at the end of his career, either this year or next. Gonzalez still has four consistent years left in him. Also, Geroge Sherill seems to be the heir-apparent to the closer’s job in Seattle, especially with his numbers in Tacoma. That makes me question the Guardado signing in the first place, but the rain may have clouded the brains as well as the skies at Safeco Field.

Here’s where we have issue. For a team that doesn’t want to add much salary, they’d unload the four million for Guardado and pick up the 5.75 mil for A-Gon. Again, I hope for some deferral of salaries. You could possibly see Guardado get packaged up with Aurilia and his 3.15 million and add somebody like Jason Dubois to the deal. I would welcome Aurilia as a backup shortstop. The guy is a clutch hitter with more experience than Paris Hilton in bed. That might balance up the salaries a little more.

Guardado would be stellar in Chicago. He, along with LaTroy Hawkins were lights out up in the great white north. I would love nothing more than making each win a six inning game. Farnsworth in the seventh, Hawkins in the eight, and Guardado in the ninth would make me immeasurably happy.

Bottom line is, though, that no matter what happens this weekend, its not over. Even if the above trades don’t happen, I have faith. I have faith in Jim Hendry. I have faith that we will not be stuck in an avalanche of apathy with this team for much longer. Between now and August first, though, time will be full of either happy days or unnerving days.