Desipio Bootleg: Cubs’ play-by-play interviews

Oct 25, 2004 | Andy | 49 comments

By now you know that we have deeply placed sources inside the Cubs’ organization, but what you probably didn’t know was just how sneaky those sources could be.

Last week the Cubs held a secret first round of interviews for the open TV play-by-play job vacated when Chip Caray went yelling and screaming his way to Atlanta. After initially threatening to deport Caray back to Illinois, Georgia Governor Billy Carter has instead just declared the state a disaster area. And Chip doesn’t even live there yet.

Anyway, all week long you’ll read transcripts from that secret first round of interviews. Our source hid a digital tape recorder in a fake plant in John McDonough’s office, so we know exactly what was said.

In today’s first installment, the interviewee is very familiar to all of us here at Desipio.

Karry Ling: Hello there, Mr. McDonough, I’m your old pal Karry Ling here at Wrigley Field! It’s great to be here.

John McDonough, Senior Vice President of Marketing and Broadcasting, Chicago Cubs: Hi there Karry. I’m glad you could come in today. I know how busy you are. What with the drinking and the…drinking. This is an informal interview, so just relax. I will ask though that you keep this under your hat. We don’t want the media to get wind of who we are considering. Especially that sneaky little Feder.

KL: My lips are sealed. I won’t tell anybody.

JM: I guess I’ll start by talking a little bit about the job. The TV schedule’s not final yet, but we expect that we’ll lose eight Saturday games to Fox’s national coverage and probably four to ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball. So, this job will entail roughly 150 games, about 70 on WGN and somewhere around 80 on Comcast Sports Net. You will, of course, travel with the team, fly on the charter, handle some pre and post game duties on both Comcast and the Superstation and of course announce the games.

KL: How many innings?

JM: Huh? You mean how many innings per game?

KL: Yeah.

JM: Well, at least nine.

KL: In a row?

JM: I’m afraid so. Karry, we can’t afford to make an arrangement like we have on the radio side where Pat Hughes gets to go take a steamer during the top of the sixth every day.

KL: That won’t be a problem. I’m heavily diapered. But, I don’t want to lie to you John. I get a little bored watching baseball. It makes me sleepy.

JM: Oh, don’t worry about that. The phone rings constantly, especially when Mercker’s in the bullpen. That’ll keep you up.

KL: Oh, good.

JM: I think what I’m going to have you do now is a sample pre-game and one half-inning of actual play-by-play. It’s standard. I’m going to have all of the candidates do it. We’ve got a June game here against the Cardinals cued up. I’ll give you the lineups and pitching matchup and then we’ll go right into your call of the first inning. Is that OK?

KL: That’s great.

Hello again, everybody, your old pal Kerry Ling here from Sportsman’s Park in St. Louis where the Chicago Cubs are in town to take on John Oates and the Cardinals. The Cubs are currently 30-28 and in second place in the National League East behind the Cardinals who are 34-25 and getting some excellent play out of third baseman Ken Reitz and first baseman Keith Hernandez…

JM: Uh, Karry. Can I stop you here. Really, you’re doing a good job. Just a few things. The Cardinals have played in Busch Stadium for about 30 years now plus this game’s at Wrigley, that’s not John Oates, it’s Tony LaRussa, you can tell because even though they have the same hair, Tony doesn’t have a mustache. Plus, one had Daryl Hall for a sidekick, the other has Dave Duncan. The teams play in the National League Central now, and that’s Scott Rolen and Albert Pujols, not Reitz and Hernandez. Otherwise, great job. Let’s pick it up with the lineups.

KL: I was talking to Cardinals’ manager Daniel LoRusso before the game and he urged me to have myself spayed and or neutered. What a guy! Here’s his lineup today. He’s resting a few regulars after last night’s night game. Leading off and playing second base is Tony Womack? That can’t be right. Tony Womack’s washed up, right? Oh, well. Batting second and playing shortstop is Edgar Renteria. Oh, I love him. What’s his dummy’s name? Charlie McCarthy? Hilarious! Batting third and playing left field is Marlon Anderson. Is that Flipper Anderson? Man, that guy can run. Scott Rolen is hitting cleanup and playing third base, with Reggie Sanders batting fifth in right field. Reggie Sanders? Doesn’t he play on a new team like every nine days? Rounding out the bottom of the order is John Mabry at first base, Yay-der Molina…Yah-dee-air Molina…whatever at catcher and on the mound, making his season debut, the dude with the freakishly long face, Danny Haren.

JM: Uh, nice job? A few things, Daniel LoRusso was The Karate Kid, it’s Tony LaRussa, Edgar Bergen had the dummy, Marlon Anderson’s not Flipper, that was Willie Anderson the old Rams’ wide receiver, and you were right on the second try it’s pronounced Yah-dee-air.

KL: OK, here is Dusty Baker’s lineup for today. Todd Walker will lead off and play second base, while he’s not praying and irritating his teammates, at least. Michael Barrett, another big pray-er, will bat second and catch. Moises Alou hits third and plays left field. I shook his hand before the game, and instinctively knew that he’d eaten green peppers last night. I have no idea why. Aramis Ramirez is batting cleanup and playing third base. Todd Hollandsworth is back! Oh, this is great. He’s playing right field. It’s about time we got rid of Sammy Sosa. Hollandworth’s had some nerve problems in his knee, so it’s good to see him back…

JM: Sorry to interrupt, Karry. This game’s in June, so Todd hadn’t hurt his knee yet. He’s in for Sammy who is out with his back problems.

KL: Oh, gotcha. Batting sixth is first baseman Derrek Lee and he’s playing first base. Hey, funny story, at the hotel last night I saw Derrek’s dad, Leon and I’ll just tell you this, his shoe size doesn’t lie! Corey Patterson is batting seventh and playing center and is not yet dating Gail Fisher! Ramon Martinez is playing shortstop and he hasn’t had to fake an injury yet to get Neifi Perez a spot on the playoff roster that the Cubs won’t get to use anyway. And batting ninth and pitching is Carlos Zambrano.

JM: Uh…um…yeah…great. OK, uh…yeah, how about we just pick it up with some play-by-play. I’ll play the part of Steve Stone.

KL: Zambrano’s done with his warmups and Tony Womack is about to lead it off for the Cardinals. Steve, how about you bore us to tears with some stupid s@#$ about the visibility.
JM (as Steve Stone): Well, Karry, we don’t say s@#$ on the air, but as far as visibility, I’d say it’s pretty good here at just after 1 p.m.
KL: That’s great. Here’s Zambrano’s first pitch. It’s a fastball and it’s strike one. Hey, Steve, Tony was on the Cubs last year, right?
JM (as Stone): Yes he was, Karry. The Cubs picked him up from the Rockies last year and he played until he hurt his elbow, and wasn’t around for the playoffs.
KL: Zambrano’s second pitch is low and it’s 1-1. So, is it safe to say that you’ve seen Tony naked?
JM (as Stone): Uh…I’m not really sure. Maybe.
KL: Zambrano misses with a slider. Two balls and a strike. You’re not sure? I guess he’s not that memorable, then, huh? Not like Leon Lee. Wow! Womack hits one in the air to left field. Alou is under it and that’s the first out.
JM (as Stone): Looks like Zambrano fooled Womack with another slider.
KL: That brings up Edgar Renteria, who according to my sources doesn’t have a ventriliquist act. But he should. Zambrano gets ahead with a strike. Hey Steve, I’ve got an interesting fact about the Cardinals and their fans. Renteria is way ahead of that sinker and Zambrano’s ahead 0-2. How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in St. Louis?
JM (as Stone): I’m afraid to ask.
KL: Because if it was invented anywhere else it’d be called the teethbrush! Renteria takes a fastball high. Get it, TEETHbrush! Oh, I’ve got a million of ’em. Zambrano blows a fastball by Edgar for strike three. Two outs here in the top of the first. Here’s Marlon Anderson. You’ve got to be kidding me, Marlon Anderson is batting third? What, Mike Lum wasn’t available? Zambrano’s first pitch is in the dirt. Hey, Steve, remember Mike Lum?
JM (as Stone): Yes, I do.
KL: Man, he sucked. Wow. They should have called him Electrolux, because he was Swedish and he sucked!
JM (as Stone): I’m not sure he was Swedish.
KL: Yeah, but he sucked. Zambrano’s next pitch is a strike and the count is even at one. No score here with two outs in the top of the first. I’ll tell you what gang, if I had to bet, I’d bet the Cardinals will win 105 games and the pennant. In fact, I’m going to call my bookie! I’m very confident. Anderson grounds one right to Walker. The throw to first is in time and Zambrano retires the Cardinals one, two, three. Due up in the bottom of the first for the Cubs, the Jesus Twins and Moises. You’re watching Cubs Baseball on Fox Sports Net!

How was that?
JM: Uh, offensive, but not bad.
KL: Are we going to do the bottom of the first? This is fun.
JM: Yeah, no. You did a nice job. I don’t need to hear any more. Very nice. OK. I’ll tell you what, Karry. You have made quite an impression here. I think we’ll wrap it up right here and we’ll be in touch.
KL: Great. This was fun. So are you going to do another round of interviews?
JM: Yes, yes we are.
KL: You want me to set up a time right now? I’ve got my calendar with me.
JM: Yeah. I don’t think we’re quite ready to set those up right now. We’ll call you.
KL: Great. I’m going to head out with my realtor now and try and find a condo near the ballpark. This is going to be fun.

49 Comments

  1. Steven McCrosky
    Steven McCrosky on October 25, 2004 at 2:09 pm

    Looks like I picked the wrong week to read Desipio.

    A full week of this? I’d rather listen to Ashlee Simpson sing.

  3. Ashlee Simpson
    Ashlee Simpson on October 25, 2004 at 2:18 pm

    Oh, Steve, you totally would not!

    You’d probably rather watch me dance my little hick jig and slouch off the stage while my 12 year old band boys smirk at each other, though. But that’s just because that was HILARIOUS.

  4. Sloth
    Sloth on October 25, 2004 at 2:22 pm

    Asslee, quit trying so hard. There’s some of us who would throw your sister over in a MINUTE so’s that we could have a chance to clunk you over the head in a dark alley and have our way with you, you cute little bubblebrain…

  5. Wistful Reader
    Wistful Reader on October 25, 2004 at 2:39 pm

    I remember fondly the days of the Daily Dose. Oh, those were great times.

  6. Chuck
    Chuck on October 25, 2004 at 2:49 pm

    The Sloth’s compulsion with underage girls and recent events around my house finally make me undestand the meaning of fear.

    Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror.

  8. Curt Schilling
    Curt Schilling on October 25, 2004 at 3:01 pm

    I can’t believe I’m not on Tim Drew’s list of Christians in baseball!

  9. Bill Kamal
    Bill Kamal on October 25, 2004 at 3:07 pm

    Come on, don’t I look like someone you could trust your daughter with?

  10. Andy
    Andy on October 25, 2004 at 3:09 pm

    Guess what? You keep bitching about it, and you’ll get two weeks of it.

    Hah!

  11. Andy's Dell
    Andy's Dell on October 25, 2004 at 3:36 pm

    Don’t worry, Desipio fans. I’ll self destruct rather than let more doses like this pass through my floating point unit.

  12. cubbiebluestew
    cubbiebluestew on October 25, 2004 at 3:38 pm

    Frankly, I prefer Lisa Simpson

  13. Yeah
    Yeah on October 25, 2004 at 3:43 pm

    what he said

  14. Chuck
    Chuck on October 25, 2004 at 3:45 pm

    I think you mean Lisa Hartman

  15. Dave B
    Dave B on October 25, 2004 at 3:48 pm

    Actually, I think Bill "Toe" Kamal was after a teen-age boy.

    And I was always a HUGE Lisa Hartman fan. Then she married Clint Black and disappeared.

  16. cubbiebluestew
    cubbiebluestew on October 25, 2004 at 3:55 pm

    I would have sworn that you would post a picture of that spiky haired know-it-all

  18. Jason Marquis
    Jason Marquis on October 25, 2004 at 4:05 pm

    What’s all the ruckus in that article about? Surely that kind of stuff doesn’t happen on THE BEST TEAM IN BASEBALL!

  19. Leo Mazzone
    Leo Mazzone on October 25, 2004 at 4:15 pm

    See Duncan? Nobody can control the kid…

  20. Andy
    Andy on October 25, 2004 at 4:58 pm

    Joe Simpson (not the Braves announcer) is blaming his daughter’s lip synching on acid reflux disease.

  21. Chuck
    Chuck on October 25, 2004 at 5:00 pm

    I’m blaming my acid reflux on Ashlee Simpson.

  22. Joe Simpson
    Joe Simpson on October 25, 2004 at 5:10 pm

    Hell, what do I care? I got one daughter milking her woulda-been-dead-a-year-ago career as the Stupidest Person Alive, and now the younger one’s getting featured on every news show in America as a lip-syncing moran. But any publicity means a buck for me!

  23. Todd Walker
    Todd Walker on October 25, 2004 at 7:48 pm

    So I took a break from talking to God to talk to ESPN 1000 today and said that when I was at 2b with Carlos Beltran during one of those last Astros game at Wrigley, he told me that he would love to play for the Cubs.

    But take that with a grain of salt, because I’m a crazy-talking Jesus lover.

  24. Johnny of Nazareth
    Johnny of Nazareth on October 25, 2004 at 9:28 pm

    I didn’t make the list?

  25. B.C.
    B.C. on October 25, 2004 at 10:48 pm

    Andy, do you need me to write an article to take some heat off of you?

  26. President of the B.C. Fanclub
    President of the B.C. Fanclub on October 25, 2004 at 10:51 pm

    …I’m an assclown…

  27. Sleepless B.C. fan
    Sleepless B.C. fan on October 25, 2004 at 11:01 pm

    When is the big 15-part breakdown of Illini basketball coming? Or maybe the long-awaited Spurrier to Champaign-Urbana piece? The public awaits…. yawning.

  28. Ashlee Simpson
    Ashlee Simpson on October 25, 2004 at 11:17 pm

    I’m, like, 20. The only age I’m under is 21. That’s after 20, right? Ok, good. I thought so. But yea I’m legal.

  29. Cubs 2005 Schedule
    Cubs 2005 Schedule on October 26, 2004 at 1:19 am

    This is me, according to this site and vineline: http://www.yellon.org/archives/2004_10_24_archive.htm#109872824603649609

    (all times CDT, pm unless indicated)

    April
    4(8:05)-5(8:35)-6(8:35) at Arizona
    8(2:20)-9(1:20)-10(1:20) Milwaukee
    11(1:20)-12(1:20)-13(1:20) San Diego
    15(6:05)-16(6:05)-17(12:35) at Pittsburgh
    18(6:05)-19(11:35am) at Cincinnati
    20(7:10)-21(7:10) at St. Louis
    22(2:20)-23(1:20)-24(1:20) Pittsburgh
    25(7:05)-26(7:05)-27(1:20) Cincinnati
    29(7:05)-30(6:05) at Houston

    May
    1(1:35) at Houston
    3(7:05)-4(7:05)-5(1:05) at Milwaukee
    6(2:20)-7(1:20)-8(1:20) Philadelphia
    9(7:05)-10(7:05)-11(1:20) New York Mets
    13(6:05)-14(6:05)-15(12:35) at Washington
    17(6:05)-18(6:05) at Pittsburgh
    20(2:20)-21(12:20, FOX)-22(1:20) Chicago White Sox
    23(7:05)-24(7:05)-25(1:20) Houston
    26(7:05)-27(2:20)-28(3:05)-29(1:20) Colorado
    30(9:05)-31(9:05) at Los Angeles

    June
    1(9:05) – at Los Angeles
    2(9:05)-3(9:05)-4(9:05)-5(3:05) at San Diego
    6(7:05)-7(7:05)-8(1:20) Toronto
    10(2:20)-11(12:20, FOX)-12(7:05, ESPN) Boston
    13(7:05)-14(7:05)-15(1:20) Florida
    17(7:05)-18(12:20, FOX)-19(7:05, ESPN) at New York Yankees
    20(7:05)-21(7:05)-22(7:05)-23(1:05) at Milwaukee Brewers
    24(3:05)-25(3:05)-26(2:05) at Chicago White Sox
    28(7:05)-29(7:05)-30(1:20) Milwaukee

    July
    1(2:20)-2(3:05)-3(1:20) Washington
    4(6:05)-5(6:35)-6(6:35)-7(12:05) at Atlanta
    8(6:35)-9(5:05)-10(12:05) at Florida
    ALL STAR BREAK 11th-14th
    15(2:20)-16(3:05)-17(1:20) Pittsburgh
    18(6:05)-19(6:05)-20(6:05)-21(11:35 am) at Cincinnati
    22(7:10)-23(12:20, FOX)-24(7:05, ESPN) at St. Louis
    25(7:05)-26(7:05)-27(1:20) San Francisco
    28(7:05)-29(2:20)-30(12:20, FOX)-31(1:20) Arizona

    August
    2(6:05)-3(6:05)-4(6:05) at Philadelphia
    5(6:10)-6(12:20, FOX)-7(12:10) at New York Mets
    8(7:05)-9(7:05)-10(1:20) Cincinnati
    11(7:05)-12(2:20)-13(12:20, FOX)-14(7:05, ESPN) St. Louis
    15(7:05)-16(7:05)-17(7:05) at Houston
    19(8:05)-20(8:05)-21(2:05) at Colorado
    22(7:05)-23(7:05)-24(1:20) Atlanta
    26(2:20)-27(12:20, FOX)-28(1:20) Florida
    29(7:05)-30(7:05)-31(1:20) Los Angeles

    September
    2(6:05)-3(6:05)-4(12:35) at Pittsburgh
    5(1:10)-6(7:10)-7(7:10) at St. Louis
    8(9:35)-9(9:35)-10(3:15, FOX)-11(3:05) at San Francisco
    12(7:05)-13(7:05)-14(7:05) Cincinnati
    15(1:20)-16(2:20)-17(12:15, FOX)-18(1:20) St. Louis
    20(7:05)-21(7:05)-22(1:05) at Milwaukee
    23(2:20)-24(12:20, FOX)-25(1:20) Houston
    27(7:05)-28(1:20) Pittsburgh
    29(7:05)-30(7:05) at Houston

    October
    1(12:20, FOX)-2(1:05) at Houston

    Andy, write a Dose about this

  31. KC
    KC on October 26, 2004 at 3:57 am

    Egads!!Those morans refer to us as the scrubs.Thats pure Genius!

  32. Steve Spurrier
    Steve Spurrier on October 26, 2004 at 8:53 am

    Actually, I think I’m headed back to Florida. Sorry Ron!

  33. CT
    CT on October 26, 2004 at 9:38 am

    Actually, I’m hoping to see a Daily Dose analyzing the Genius’ idiotic decisions thus far in the World Series, such as using Jason Marquis as a pinch runner in game 1 and in relief in game 2, and using the great Marlon Anderson as his DH.

  34. So Terrible
    So Terrible on October 26, 2004 at 9:56 am

    Don’t forget the genius playing me in left field in game one. I had some great AB’s in that game.

  35. CT
    CT on October 26, 2004 at 10:04 am

    #34, yeah, that was bad too, although Joe Buck continued to harp on the idea that your incredible defense was the reason you were playing.

  36. Scott Rolen & Jim Edmonds
    Scott Rolen & Jim Edmonds on October 26, 2004 at 10:05 am

    Hmm, maybe the World Series was not the best time to begin Operation Shutdown?

  37. Kyle Farnsworthless
    Kyle Farnsworthless on October 26, 2004 at 10:07 am

    Yes, So, but you did hit a home run off of me that sailed all the way to Nagano.

    I suck ass.

  38. So Terrible
    So Terrible on October 26, 2004 at 10:12 am

    Kyle, I hit very hard.

    Rest of the world, I hit like Shit.

    AS far as Joe Buck and my awesome defense, that green monster in left field very high and Joe Buck very dumb.

  40. Curt Schilling
    Curt Schilling on October 26, 2004 at 11:53 am

    Hey, you know what Desipio needs? More Curt Schilling!

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    Nepo Kerns on March 9, 2005 at 12:55 am

    5068 you know sometimes, I wonder if theres anyone at the healm?

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