It’s not exactly up to Singletary-Marshall-Wilson-Dent-Fencik standards yet, but the defense the Bears threw at the New York Giants yesterday had a little of that feeling. It was as if the Bears left every huddle by exchanging pleasantries to one another like, “Meet you at the quarterback.” All day long the Bears harrassed Kurt Warner and continually slammed Tiki Barber into the fake Meadowlands grass.

One play summed up the Giants effort. On a second and long Hunter Hillenmeyer blitzed and Barber got the worst end of it as he tried to block him, then, Warner flipped the ball to Barber on a screen pass and ten yards down the field Mike Green obliterated Tiki so badly that Ronde’s teeth rattled. Then, Tiki scraped himself up off the turf and watched as the officials signaled a holding penalty and walked his hard earned yardage away.

Offensively, the Bears are still a little bit of a mess. They got a great effort from Anthony Thomas and Craig Krenzel proved that if you don’t play quarterback like a complete closet case (Jonathan Quinn) that the Bears will be in every game. And true, the offense did score three touchdowns (Mike Downey thought they scored four, but if that’s true where did the two field goals and the two point conversion go?) but the defense kept handing them chances.

The Wizard of Roz says that with a competent quarterback the Bears might be 5-3 or at the very worst 4-4 right now, and he’s right. The Bears failed us, and them, by not bringing in a real backup quarterback. Jerry Angelo’s a dope when it comes to offense and he proves it over and over and over again. Defensively, the Bears are stocked with the kind of depth that most teams dream of. They’re ridiculously talented on the front four, with Alex Brown and Walleye Ogunleye among the best in the NFL and Michael Haynes showing he’s starting to “get it”. You have to love the rookie tackles and we haven’t even mentioned Brian Urlacher yet. Not only does he turn in a hilarious performance during the “massage” scene in the new Peyton Manning Mastercard commercial, but on Sunday he tackled Tiki so hard on one play that I think Tiki thought he was being mauled by an actual bear. Plus, any defense with Todd Johnson running around on it is fun to watch. How about the screen pass the Giants tried to run to Ike Hilliard that Johnson saw before the snap and by the time Warner’s pass got near Hilliard, Ike was counting his ribs and teeth?

Offensively, the Bears are not…what’s the word I’m looking for…good. The line is pourous at times, though it was fun to watch the replay of Ruben Brown pinning Keith Washington to the ground and holding him there for at least seven seconds. The wide receivers are a mess. David Terrell turned in his best (and thankfully quietest) game in weeks, but Bobby Wade has disappeared, Justin Gage is allergic to the football and there’s apparently a rule that they can only throw one pass to Bernard Berrian per game. The tight ends are great though. They’re great at dropping passes, not blocking anybody and going offsides. There’s a trifecta for you.

As for Terrell, he lined up wrong for the THIRD time in two weeks! He’s played wide receiver since his freshman year in high school. One of the first things they teach you in high school is that if you line up on the line of scrimmage on the same side of the field as the tight end, you make the tight end an ineligible pass receiver. All you have to do is line up one yard back and you’re all good. Even I remembered that for four years and as I prove here every day, I’m a complete dumbass.

Apparently, Terrell is even more of a complete dumbass. In fact, Rick Pitino called me last night to tell me he admired Terrell’s “multiversatility at being a dumbass.” This time, Terrell’s inability to line up cost the Bears a 20 yard completion inside the Giants’ five. They wouldn’t even get to attempt a field goal by the time the series was over.

Anyway, the Bears won and are only a game behind the mighty Packers and hilariously inept Lions. So that’s progress.

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Before we turn this thing over to the Cubs, I wanted to thank long time friend of Desipio Kelly Dwyer for doing me a “solid” in his NBA Previews for Spanish-Yes.com.

Yes, I said “solid.” I also still say “rad” so sue me.

In my ALDS preview one of our imaginary scouts had this to say about Jock Jones’ mother. “Jock Jones’ mother makes a mean apple pie. I have no idea where she finds such angry apples.”

Kelly was writing his “State of the NBA” previews and I dared him to work that into one of them. He did. Check out Kedrick Brown.

But look what his editor did. “Kedrick Brown — His mother makes a mean apple pie. Where does she find such mad apples?”

No! That’s not the joke. Angry is much funnier than mad. Plus, it reads better. Why would they even mess with it? It’s not like they had to cut out one of the seven dirty words. This, is just another example of the man keeping us down. Mad apples? It’s just stupid.

Oh, well.

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The Cubs’ play-by-play announcer job is close to being filled. The finalists are believed to be Matt Vasgersian, Dave O’Brien and Len Kasper. Check out how incestuous this business is. (And I’m not just talking about Chip’s weird relationship with his step-grandmother.)

Kasper worked at WTMJ in Milwaukee and did Packers and Brewers pregame stuff and filled in for Matt Vasgersian and did Brewers games when Matt was off filming video game commercials, or the XFL or eXtreme water polo or whatever. Kasper left Milwaukee for Florida about the time Vasgersian left for San Diego. Who did Kasper replace in Florida? Dave O’Brien who left to do more ESPN stuff and work for the Mets. Also rumored to be in the mix is Daron Sutton who replaced…Vasgersian and Kasper in Milwaukee. Huh?

Don’t even get me started as to where Pat Hughes came from (Milwaukee), or where Wayne Larivee went (Green Bay). Guh.

The Cubs are going to interview Joe Girardi and Bob Brenly this week, though Girardi has reportedly accepted the Yankees’ bench coach job (and has been implicated in a strange sunflower seed-child deportation ring), so that means it’s just Brenly. Unless, of course, Girardi is going to do both jobs. He probably could just wear a mic in the Yankees dugout and watch the Cubs games on a little monitor during the games. Hell, he’s an American League bench coach. Is there an easier job in the world?

Anyway, here at Desipio we’re rooting for an O’Brien-Brenly announcing team. Mostly because we have Dave’s e-mail address. Though, he’ll probably be changing it to avoid us. Plus, we’ve got lots of Brenly mustache jokes we haven’t had a chance to get to yet.

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Every day this winter will bring another Sammy Sosa trade rumor. So far we’ve had these:

Sammy to the Mets for Cliff Floyd.
Sammy to the Dodgers for Shawn Green.
Sammy to the Rockies, Preston Wilson from the Rockies to the Mets, Cliff Floyd to the Cubs.

Now it’s Sammy to the Orioles for Larry Bigbie and either Brian Roberts or Jerry Hairston, Jr. Actually, it could be Jerry Hairston, Sr.

The Cubs re-signed Neifi Perez to be a utility infielder and ostensibly to replace Mark Grudzielanek on the roster, though it seems as though Ramon Martinez’s days are numbered. Jim Hendry said that the Cubs were going to re-sign Neifi “no matter what”, but rumors abound that the Cubs were only going to sign Neifi if it seemed obvious that they would eventually sign Nomar, so they’d have Neifi around to fill in for Nomar in the event of more Achilles’, wrist or groin injuries. Neifi’s deluded enough to think he can still start in the league, and likes the idea of being Nomar’s caddy. Make that Nomar’s frequently used caddy.

Nomar has told the Cubs he’s going to shop around in free agency, but it’s apparent he wants to play shortstop, he wants a three year deal and he wants to play on a contender and it appears that the only team who’s going to offer all three is the Cubs. So, if you bought a Nomar Cubs’ jersey, it appears as of right now, you’re going to get some wear out of it.

Word is that the Cubs have Gary Hughes handling the early stages of any Sosa trades. This affords Hendry with plausible deniability when asked if he’s talked to anybody about trading for Sammy. Until it gets down to the nitty gritty and Hendry gets involved, he can say “no” and mean it.

The Cubs can say all they want that they think Sammy will be their right fielder next year, but the fact of the matter is that they don’t want him to be their right fielder. They have Moises Alou on hold right now because their game plan is as follows.

1) Create a trade market for Sammy in which the Cubs can find a taker who won’t require them to pay a large hunk of Sammy’s contract in 2006 or his buyout for 2007. See, that’s the problem. It’s not just that trading him kicks in his 2006 season, but his buyout shifts from ’06 to ’07. The Cubs will eat some of it, but do not want to have to play as much as half.

2) Sign Carlos Beltran. The Cubs are of the opinion that the Yankees do not think they can sign Beltran, but that the Yankees will try and drive the price up so that whoever does get him will have fewer funds left to battle the Yankees with on other free agents.

3) Sign Alou if Sosa has been traded. Moises is probably SOL if a Sosa trade brings back a starting outfielder, but if it doesn’t, Moises is going to get a one year deal at around five million dollars for 2005. When you add in his three million dollar buyout, that’s pretty good money for a 39 year old checkswinging outfielder.

The Cubs don’t expect to be able to trade Sammy this week at the GM’s meetings, but they expect they’ll know by Wednesday if there’s going to be a market for him. The truth is that there is going to be one, provided the Cubs are willing to take back bad contracts or throw in enough cash to make Sammy a $25 million impact on his new team’s 2005-06 budgets.

The Dodgers aren’t believed to be willing to do Sosa for Green straight up, but talk in Southern California is that if the Cubs would take Kaz Ishii back in the trade they’d do it in a heartbeat.

Of all the possibilities, trading for Green is probably the most attractive for the Cubs. He’s a lefthanded hitter who saw most of his power die in the long power alleys of Dodger Stadium. He can play first base (albeit awkwardly) so he can give Derrek Lee a day off here and there. He’s a natural right fielder, meaning the Cubs would be able to move Corey Patterson to left if Beltran signs with the Cubs. He’s 32 and only has one year left on his contract (even if it is one year at $16 million). But Green had shoulder surgery last year and there is a risk. But there’s a risk in crossing the street and we all do it every day. Oh, never mind.

I’ve been doing a scientific study on the impact of a Cubs’ trade of Sosa. I started a new MVP Baseball team with the following lineup:
rf Corey Patterson
2b Todd Walker
cf Carlos Beltran
3b E-ramis Ramirez
ss Nomar Garciaparra
lf Cliff Floyd
1b Derrek Lee
c Michael Barrett

The rotation is The Franchise, Kerry Wood, Carlos Zambrano, Glendon Rusch and Greg Maddux.
The bullpen is The Farns, LaTroy, Mike Remlinger, Todd Wellemeyer, Ryan Dempster and Regular Joe.
The bench is Gabor Bako, Jose Macias, Neifi Perez, Todd Hollandsworth, Brian Roberts and Dave Kelton.

I traded Grudzielanek for Roberts. Then, on Friday, I traded Floyd to the Dodgers for Green so that I could see how that worked. I moved Patterson from right to left and batted Green in Floyd’s spot.

The Cubs are 17 games over .500 in late May and have an 8.5 lead over Houston and 10 over the Cardinals.

Oh, and they have a slugging outfielder at AA West Tenn named Andy Dolan who’s tearing up the Southern League. See, I told you it was scientific.

Anyway, when the season ends I’m going to mail Hendry my memory card and he’ll see that signing Beltran and Nomar and dumping Sammy is a PROVEN strategy. No need to thank me.

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Fat Lance Berkman tore up his ACL and will be rehabbing his knee for six months. Apparently Lance fell off of Moises Alou’s treadmill.

But seriously, we saw the effects of Corey Patterson’s mid-season ACL surgery in 2003 take its toll in September of 2004. I have no doubt that most of Corey’s September struggles (after an absurd August in which he hit .336 with a .388 on base average a .605 slugging percentage, eight homers and 12 stolen bases) were him running out of gas. Corey worked out every day from November until spring training just to be able to play and then the wear and tear of playing center every day finally got to him in September. He was late on everything, and when the season ended he admitted he was tired. I don’t think any of us factored in just how intense Corey’s offseason workouts had to be to get his knee ready for the season.

Lance isn’t exactly a physical specimen to begin with. You can imagine how fat he’ll get while his knee heals from surgery. So first he’ll have to dump some weight before he can even get serious about his rehab. See you in July, Lance.

—–

The Bears have won two in a row! Big whup.

A-Train can still play. And he was worth 28 points to me this week in my fantasy league. Choo, choo, indeed.

David Terrell was told he has to play well to stay. What a novel idea.

Groucho’s still trying to trade Eddy.

Mariotti put down the doughnut today to say how much he likes Lovie. For now.

Yesterday he put down the doughnut to get fired up about Shawn Green. Or rather, the absence of Sammy.

The Wizard of Roz says the job is Brenly’s to take or turn down.

Peter Gammons on the futures of Sammy and Pedro. I’d like to see the Cubs make a run at Pedro for closer. But that’s just me.

No matter what P. King says, I’ve seen the ’04 Steelers and I know the ’85 Bears, and the ’04 Steelers are not the ’85 Bears.

The Dodgers say no Sammy-Shawn trade is in the works…yet.

Bill Madden’s hoping the Mets don’t trade for Sammy. But here’s the thing. Whoever gets Sammy will get him on his best behavior next year. He’ll be quiet, and he’ll play left field if he has to, and he’ll bat wherever you want him to. The only team he’ll be a holy terror on is the Cubs. My gut feeling is that he ends up in left field in Anaheim. But that’s just me.

Now this is some good reality TV.

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