So Barry Bonds thought he was rubbing flaxseed oil on himself? Isn’t that what you put on your deck to make the water beed up on it? Maybe Barry thought arthritis was water damage?
The San Francisco Chronicle has the highlights of Barry’s grand jury testimony and it’s impressive to see a guy have to choose between lying his ass off or just making himself sound incredibly naive and stupid. Barry went the naive and stupid route, which will keep him out of jail. Jason Giambi just fessed up and told the truth.
Either way, why do we know that this is going to come back to screw the Cubs? Because you see the Yankees doing anything they can to get Giambi’s contract voided . They’re either going to succeed and then have a ludicrous sum of money to make sure Carlos Beltran is theirs, or they’ll fail, which will scare the Mets out of any Sammy Sosa trade.
Newsday wrote about it today. What do Giambi and Sosa have in common? Diminished body size and diminished performance. There has been no proof that Sammy ever used steroids, and so far nobody has ever stood up to officially accuse him. But just the specter of it, when pushed back to the fore by a Giambi saga that will drag on for months could be enough to torpedo the Cubs attempts to dump Sammy on the Mets…or anybody.
The closest Sammy’s ever come to being implicated was when his buddy, and former Cubs teammate Manny Alexander had the misfortune of letting a Mariners’ bat boy drive his car, only to get pulled over and have the cops find Manny’s low-grade Dominican horse steroids in the car.
Apparently, Manny is proof that if you have no talent, all you get from steroids is a bigger, surlier, bad baseball player. Also, steroids apparently have no effect on baserunning because Manny never could remember which order he was supposed to run the bases in.
Who knows how this will shake out though. Maybe the whole Yankees offseason turmoil will convince Beltran that even though there’s more money there, he’d like to take his enormous face mole to a different city?
The Cubs are planning on this scenario with Beltran. That he is honest when he says he’d like to stay in Houston. The Astros are said to have offered him $13.5 million per year for six years. That ain’t gonna do it. The Yankees can pay Carlos whatever. The Cubs hope that Carlos will pick the happy medium. Them. Lots of cash, though not as much as the Yankees and the comfort of not living in New York and of playing in a home ballpark in which Carlos sports a near .500 batting average.
As for Sammy to the Mets, the longer it drags on, the less likely it becomes. The Cubs need the Mets to just make a rash decision and do it. So far it hasn’t happened. It’s likely to heat up again after Tuesday’s arbitration deadline when both teams have a clearer view of the free agent market. But if we get past Christmas and Sammy’s still a Cub, buddy… Well, see you in Mesa, buddy.
———
Notre Dame officials flew to Salt Lake City to meet with Urban Meyer and to go throw paint at the Mormon Tabernacle. OK, maybe they didn’t throw paint, but I’ll bet they were tempted to.
Meyer had a busy day. He interviewed with reps from the Florida Gators for an hour and a half in the morning, then spent three hours with Irish AD Kevin White and incoming president Father John Jenkins. Three hours? Notre Dame wins!
Well, maybe the Irish took him to dinner. Salt Lake’s got a Jimmy John’s, right?
Urban’s got the Irish over a barrel. Everybody in America knows they fired Ty Willingham when they did so that Florida wouldn’t beat them to hire him. They want him. They need him. He’s got leverage and he’s going to use it. He’s going to get his money, he’s going to get to coach the Utes in the Fiesta Bowl and because he’s been open about this whole thing with his players he gets to leave without having them throw stuff at him like he was Gary Barnett. Not bad.
———-
Acting Irish coach Kent Baer says there are ways to get out of your contract. Take him for example, he drew up a defense that couldn’t stop the forward pass and he’ll be out of his on December 29.
I have a manly love for Brian Urlacher, but really, what would the Bears be proving by playing him on Sunday, that they’re not just complete jackasses, but something even worse?
The Illini are looking ahead now to Arkansas, and of course, Chicago State.
Load up the Vanagon! We’re off to Shreveport to root on the Huskies!
Ron Zook might be nuts, but I’ll bet he makes the Illini into a winner. You just watch.
Groucho with Pat Riley.
Urban apparently fessed up with his players and said it’s either Notre Dame, Florida or more fun with the Utes. They don’t really think he’d stay do they?
Samurai Mike to coach the Browns? Roz thinks it could happen.
Al Leiter could be finishing up as a Fish. And then flopping right into the broadcast booth.
Honestly, why would anybody trade for Felix?
The Phillies are going after Kenny Lofton and Sandy Alomar. They hope to reunite the rest of the 1994 Indians (except for Manny Ramirez) and win the 1995 NL Pennant. I hope they can convince Chad Ogea to quit his job at Tractor Supply.
I watch one NBC show now. “The West Wing” and even it sucks.
America’s finest news source with the details behind Trump’s casino bankruptcy.
Dammit, I’VE stood up and accused Sosa of using steroids!!
‘Course, nobody listens to me…
I used to watch the West Wing. No Sorkin, no watch. What a resume that guy has:
A Few Good Men
American President
Sports Night
West Wing
The dialogue in those dramas was fabulous.
Sammy also was "implicated" by SI’s Riley back in 2001 (or so) when Riley asked Sosa to take a pee in a cup. Sosa went apeshit on Riley (rightly so) for singling him out.
But that was a punk move by Reilly. He showed up, cup in hand knowing that if Sammy took the sample the players association would go apeshit on Sammy.
His whole plan was to write about how Sammy wouldn’t take the test, Sammy calling him an "asshole" was just a bonus.
Exactly, hence I wrote "rightly so." But it was another implication. That’s all I meant.
Can I go somewhere and get a tattoo that says, "I AM PERMANTENTLY OUTSIDE THE IVY"?
An average of 27,000 fans per game led the MAC? Wow. That’s pretty sucky. And they’re sending five teams (maybe 6 if Akron goes) to bowls?
My favorite part of the article was at the end "Bill Jauss contributed to this story."
Bill’s Editor: Bill. BILL! Wake up. You fell alsepp on Morissey’s couch again. Here sign off on this.
BJ: umph. Grr. Wharft tha….(Scribbles name on paper handed to him)
BJ’s Editor: That’s it. Good job. We’ll have your pudding in 5 minutes.
I’m the official MAC attendance guru. That’s how I knew 27,000 was the most in the conference.
Eastern Michigan averaged 19 people per game this year.
That’s up 9 percent from 2003.
The rumor mill down here in East Central Illinois has Ron Zook as the next football coach for your Fighting Illini. Andy,didn’t you dump Flaxseed oil on Mongloid Phil to get him to smell better back at NIU? Or was it Petruli Oil?
Reilly got punked earlier this year by 2004 World Series of Poker Champ, Greg Raymer. Raymer responded to a column calling poker players non-athletes by challenging Reilly to a racquetball match, but Reilly insisted it be golf…. Raymer then pointed out the hypocrisy as non-athletes can play golf just as easily as they can poker….
Andy you’re right by the way, I did say November is still clearly in the rearview mirror. But I don’t need a time machine to determine that I won’t be putting the SWAC champ in my FF either…
Clearly, not only Sammy but Nomar and Mark Prior have been implicated because I heard someone say something about them using steroids on the Score one time. Hey, did I tell you I listen to the Score? I could go on for hours, just try me.
ESPN says that Urban Meyer is going to Florida.
That’s got to hurt the old Irish.
I tried to get the reporter from Jacksonville who "broke" the story to come on my show, but he declined saying he was going to "wait until it’s official."
So it could very well be wrong. Jeebus, can you imagine this much attention over a guy named Urban?
It was flaxseed. Made his coat shiny.
Meyer’s not coming to Notre Dame? Dammit, think of the witty headlines we’re going to miss out on: Urban Legend, Urban Renewal, Urban Warfare, Sub-Urban…
Run spell check before you get a tatt.
Sammy has one year and $21 or so million (including the buyout and assuming he waives the option). Giambi has $80 million left on his deal, so the situations are somewhat different.
And if the Giambi news is what tipped the Mets off that Sammy might be on the juice and might continue to suck, then Omar Minaya has no chance of success.
You know how the NY media are. They’re like a dog with a bone. It’ll be all steroids all the time next year. The Mets might just decide to bypass the whole potential Sammy mess.
Give me a chance, buddy! I will be a new man in 2005, I promise, Wrigley bleachers will bow to me again!
I mean come on, you are mad at me, OK, I get mad at my wife sometimes too. She doesn’t stroke "El Jefe" the right way, if you know what I mean. But I forgive in the end, loud and hard, but she gets it eventually. OK, buddy?
Seriously, Cliff Floyd? Puko is too dumb to even run my boombox. Please, I hit 35 HR and 95 RBI, I will bat 270, you got someone in mind that can do better?
See you in Mesa!!! Buddy.
Ewww, what the hell Dolan????
I like to expand my horizons
Heh heh aren’t I clever with the hermaphrodite porn? Next time I’ll post a dancing banana!
Sammy,
You better wear a helmet when you come out to your position in leftfield, asswipe.
Man, this place sucks now.
I miss seeing pictures posted in the Dose and I was just about to register for the message board and now I can’t do either.
You’re letting yourselves get played.
I guess we just learned what happens when you piss off a bunch of goofs who live in their basements and have nothing better to do. Dorks.
Holy crap, are we lame.
Andy, can you use me as a way to "out" the trolls like you did to Kaseberg?
I saw where the guys over at Redbird Nation called the Cubs Talk guys pu$$ies for their efforts at trolling here at Desipio. Man, I hope Redbird Nation doesn’t get bombarded by these idiots too. I mean, I hate the Cardinals as much as the next Cubs fan, but I wouldn’t wish these Cubs Talk trolls on anyone. Sure hope they don’t head over there next…
JH,
If we have to endure the Fifth Circle of Hell, then the Cardinal fans should have to as well.
In fact, they should have to put up with the CubsTalk people, Stuart Scott, Kaplan, Ofman, AND Mike North. Then the Cardinal fans, well most of them anyway, will get what they deserve.
We are the world’s largest high school, but we are obviously leaving children behind. We have apparently hired cubsbz. If he ever leaves his room in Ashton Quad.
Please register complaints to Dr. Adam Herbert, iupres@indiana.edu
To the persistent, frustrated reader/poster with evidently way too much time on their hands (why not visit a children’s hospital or doing anything meaningful with your afternoon that doesn’t involve a keyboard and your pants around your ankles?):
Your mother noticed some of her dresses and slips are missing. Would you like to talk about it???
This is a cry for help.
I’m not even original anymore. Seriously, someone help!
You Bastards!
Dear Dr. Herbert:
The exemplary level of maturity at your university is something you should be proud of. To wit:
https://www.desipio.com/archives/00000783.htm#comments
Post #30 is apparently a student at your esteemed institution. Dr Kinsey, whose legendary work in the field of sex education in the 1950’s took place in your university, would be ashamed to witness this type of obviously repressed behavior revealing itself in such an anti-social manner.
—–Moral to the story? Don’t mess with Andy Dolan.———
Just thought you should know.
Andy–
You should have kept up at least one example of Mister "Types-With-One-Hand"
Who says I’m a well-intentioned guy?
ITIstaff
Steve Holley
ITI Editor & Publisher
InsideTheIvy.com
Contact Us
Posts: 461
(12/2/04 5:56:06 pm)
Reply
Re: DespicableAndy
——————————————————————————–
It’s been so long since I’ve had this much fun reading another Cubs board (and I use those words very loosely). Usually, I’m the first to admit I get a little soured when someone takes hours out of their day to insult our message boards and its users, but from what I’ve read so far, absurd humor is nothing to get offended by.
A few things to tickle your funnybone’s with:
Quote:
——————————————————————————–
And, Steve Holley acted like he didn’t know me anymore. To think he used to cut and paste Desipio articles and post them and then ask me if it was OK. But, he always gave me credit, so it wasn’t that bad.
——————————————————————————–
This from the same person who began an entire article with a shameless plug that all of Desipio’s articles would now be syndicated on Yahoo! Sports; the same person Andy Montalbano and I received staff e-mails from when anything Cubs-related was complete.
Link – this is probably the funniest treasure in the whole trashbind, considering the network sent out the e-mail the author is referring to… on every site. I suppose I’ll go and encourage the upper management of Scout to lower their monthly subscription rates all over the network because the great Andy Dolan is selling t-shirts again…
Quote:
——————————————————————————–
The best Steve Holley quote:
"Not to brag, but my predictions have been pretty accurate lately, haven’t they? And no, I don’t have ESP, nor am I a very good guesser. However, I’ve watched most of these games all year and have seen this team in the same situations many times and have a good sense of what’s going to happen based on statistical research."
——————————————————————————–
Did I really say this? That quote sounds so much like a cheap imitation of a Saturday Night Live impression that it’s hilarious (in its own way).
Quote:
——————————————————————————–
Hang with the big dogs? There isn’t a single competent or clever member at that entire messageboard.
——————————————————————————–
LOL, tell that to Oneri Fleita, David Kaplan and Bo Fulginiti, all of whom are registered here.
Quote:
——————————————————————————–
I can see it now: plans for the Desipio Fest are finalized and an army of Cubs Talk geeks will descend upon us to assassinate Andy.
——————————————————————————–
Does anyone else worry about Andy Dolan’s head having to be surgically removed from any door he comes in contact with?
Seriously, I had no idea we had such a huge fan club outside of here. Watch out, White Sox Interactive… you’ve got company!
I’m a happy retired ballplayer on Long Island! Why is this fan so miserable?
tomveryzer
Total Posts :: 14360
Member Since :: February 14, 2003 (Global User)
My Personal Information
First Name :: jeff
Last Name :: private
Age :: private
Location ::
Occupation ::
Hobbies :: baseball,football,and basketball. i play softball, listen to music, and enjoy pornography in my spare time.
Personal Bio :: my name is jeff and im 33 years old. im married with 2 little girls and i hate my job. i was born and lived my whole life in waukegan, il (the armpit of illinois) except one year in arizona in 2000. i am an angry cub fan and will be until we win the world series or i die. whichever comes first.
I wish my mommy would have held me more often as a child.
I have no idea what the last few posts are.
I have no life.
Seriously, no life whatsoever.
I have all the information I need from #30. You can bet young Mr. Ashton Kutcher will be getting a visit regarding all the hijinks.
Ok, I knw what the Penthouse Forum post is. But the ones before it? IU? Holley? Etc.?
Totally lost.
You say ANDY has a big ego, but you start your posts with :
ITIstaff
Steve Holley
ITI Editor & Publisher
InsideTheIvy.com
Contact Us
? Like anybody gives a rat’s ass whether you are "ITIstaff" editor or whatever crap. If you think you need to announce your presence before your post? You’re a huge dork.
Honestly, I cannot figure out if post 37 is a parody of some ridiculous Cubstalk "authority" figure or some Cubstalk fanatic being serious. What the hell is going on? Is post 37 a joke or not?
And no imagination…
And I’ve apparently run out of fresh gay literature. Who even knew that was possible?
Post 37 was lifted off of the ITI board.
Actually, I should have know better — found some more! Yeah!!!
I post anonymously so as not to embarrass my family… Well, embarrass them any further than I already have…
I thought he was actually starting a post on phucking Desipio with all that "official ITI staff" crap.
"DespicableAndy" was a nice touch, too. I’m sure the part that said: "Gosh, Andy! You’re soooo mean! Why don’t you go take a long walk off a short pier!" just got cut off.
Oh, goody. Somebody just taught "Hmmm" how to cut-n-paste.
Author Comment
cubsbz
Registered User
Posts: 2295
(12/3/04 11:02:57 am)
Reply
Warning IU students…
——————————————————————————–
Thus begins the decline of the institution known as Indiana University starting next semester. I have officially gotten the job teaching today. I got my office key and am on the payroll. This should be verrrry interesting.
The last time I talked to a girl was in 2nd grade… well, besides a 1-900 #….
B.C., you’re a moran. Read between the lines…
Oops. We hired a dancing banana?
And they fired me?
$@#!!#!#@!
What Holley forgot to mention in #37 was that he expressly requested that I e-mail them anytime I wrote anything on the Cubs. He also told me I could write a tagline for the end of the articles to give Desipio.com the credit.
It’s all very interesting though.
Sometimes a dancing banana is not just a dancing banana.
The best part of #37 was this:
"I suppose I’ll go and encourage the upper management of Scout to lower their monthly subscription rates all over the network because the great Andy Dolan is selling t-shirts again."
Actually, they started giving the service away for free.
How’s about them apples?
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