Their new manager saw fit at his introductory press conference to say, “My name is Dusty, not Messiah,” but you’d be hard pressed to convince the suddenly frisky Chicago Cubs of that fact.

Granted, slow starts by the division favorites in St. Louis and Houston have helped the Cubs open a modest two game lead with a less than sterling 14-11 record. But when 70 wins is an improvement and a .500 season might cause champagne corks to pop, well, let’s just say the bar the Cubs need to jump over is low enough that Gary Coleman could be cocky about it.

So, our status report on the National League Central starts with those first place Cubs. Who knew?

Chicago Cubs, 14-11, first place

The Cubs have five players batting .300 or better after 25 games. One of whom you’d have no problem guessing. It’s no surprise that Sammy Sosa is hitting .321, but what kind of odds would have gotten that strike zone savants like Paul Bako (in only 19 at bats, to be fair), Corey Patterson, Alex Gonzalez and Mark Grudzielanek would also be hitting above three bills?

Throw in a rookie first baseman who is on pace to become the second rookie in NL history to walk 100 times in a season, plus 16 RBI out of the rotting corpse of Moises Alou and the formerly futile Cubs have jumped to fourth in the NL in batting average, and second in runs scored. The team that gave Milwaukee a race for the strikeout crown the past two seasons is second to only the Phillies in walks. Sure, it’s early, but consider that in the past twenty years, the Cubs have finished April with a winning record only five times. FIVE TIMES? How is that possible? How can you spend that much money in twenty years and get off to fifteen bad starts?

While the offense has been a surprise, the pitching has been anything but. The Cubs boast the National League’s best 1-2-3 starting pitching lineup. Kerry Wood (3-1, 3.00 ERA), Mark Prior (4-1, 1.70) and Matt Clement (2-2, 2.59) have not disappointed. Mike Remlinger (5.19 ERA) has struggled, but fellow lefty Mark Guthrie (1.23) has not. With twelve fingered closer Antonio “El Pulpo” Alfonseca sidelined with a bad hamstring and peroxide poisoning in his hair, “Regular” Joe Borowski has taken up closer duty and has posted a 2.13 ERA and three saves in three attempts.

That’s not to say that all is rosy. Shawn Estes was brought in to give the rotation a different look (a lefty) and he’s done it. While the big three and Carlos Zambrano give the look of pitchers you can’t hit, Shawn is giving off a different look. One that inspires teams to fight each other at the bat rack for a crack at him. Estes’ ERA is better than a touchdown after five starts. Just to clarify. That’s not good.

Third baseman Mark Bellhorn was one of the few bright spots in 2002. That seems so long ago. Bellhorn, who has hit under .200 in four of his parts of six big league seasons is at it again. He’s off to a .188 start and a whopping 26 strikeouts in 23 games played. (Sure, Sammy Sosa has 25 strikeouts in 25 games, but he’s Sammy Sosa and Bellhorn’s not. He’s also boasting a .472 on base average and Bellhorn’s not.) If not for his 17 walks, Bellhorn would be Brandon Larson. In fact, if not for those walks, he might be playing AAA games against Larson, too. As it is, Cubs General Manager Jim Hendry has Boston (Shea Hillenbrand) and Florida (Mike Lowell) on speed dial. He has young pitching to trade, and he’s not afraid to use it.

The Cubs have lost four of their last six games after reaching a high water mark of seven games over .500. While nobody expects them to win 95 games, it is certainly starting to look like that won’t be a prerequisite to winning the National League Central.

St. Louis Cardinals, 11-12, 2nd place, two games back

In 2001 the Chicago White Sox raced past the field in a weak American League Central and won the division. In 2002, the Sox were heavy favorites again. They got off to a slow start and kept talking about how they weren’t worried. They had suffered some injuries and some bad luck, but that little team that could in front of them (the Minnesota Twins) had no shot at playing that well all year.

In 2002 the St. Louis Cardinals raced past he field in a weak National League Central and won the division. In 2003, the Cardinals were heavy favorites again. They got off to a slow start and kept talking about how they weren’t worried. They had suffered some injuries and some bad luck, but that little team that could in front of them (the Chicago Cubs)…

The optimistic Cardinals fan will tell you that the only reason those annoying Cubs are in front of them is because Jason Isringhausen has been out all year, Fernando Vina’s been hurt, JD Drew is still limping and Albert Pujols’ elbow is falling off. They assure themselves that Chuck Finley will return (though he has his eyes set on a team closer to the west coast of the United States (not the west coast of the Mississippi River). They are certain that Dave Duncan will work his mojo on discarded guys like Brett Tomko and Chris Carpenter and everything will be fine.

It all might work out in the end. There is no doubt that Steve Kline closes games out with the confidence of a latter day Mel Rojas. So when Izzy comes back from his injury that will certainly help. Jeff Fassero’s ERA is 9.35 and that’s bound to come down (buy a run or two anyway).

But there are some other red flags. Garrett Stephenson, Dustin Hermanson, Cal Eldred and Jason Simontaachi strike fear in the hearts of only one team—the Cardinals. JD Drew is on pace to fulfill the role of life-long underachiever and his bad knees, bad luck and bad career advice from Scott Boras have all contributed.

Tino Martinez is off to a good start, but away from Yankee Stadium he’s still a tanner Mark Grace, and with Pujols’ elbow troubles, there’s no place to “hide” Albert if Tino’s going to play.

For all their struggles, the Cardinals have gotten good production out of Edgar Renteria (.323, 17 RBI), Jim Edmonds (.370, .742 slugging), and Mike Matheny has acted like a guy who knows how to hit (.318—don’t bet the farm on that lasting, though.) Orlando Palmeiro looks like a steal as a fourth outfielder.

Despite their injuries, the Cardinals are hovering around .500 and making everybody else in the division nervous. Now if somebody could just explain why Tony “The Genius” LaRussa thinks Eli Marerro can play the outfield…

Houston Astros, 11-13, 3rd place, 2.5 games back

There is little doubt that as of this moment the Houston Astros have the best team 1-25 in the division. In an effort to handicap themselves like a scratch golfer at the company play day, the Astros hired Jimy Williams to run the team. It’s brilliant, really.

Nobody gets less out of more than Jimy. Truly. He proves it every night when he takes out his little golf pencil and pencils “Biggio, Craig, 8” into the leadoff spot.

Two things. Craig Biggio is not a centerfielder. He is also not a leadoff man, anymore.

Centerfielders don’t take Magellan-like circuitous routes to every flyball. Leadoff men don’t have 19-5 strikeout to walk ratios and .301 on-base percentages.

Not that this is Biggio’s fault. He was being a team player when he grabbed an outfielder’s glove and tried to learn how to play the third position of his career at the ripe-old age of 37.

This is Jimy’s fault. No, it’s Jimy’s friends’ (assuming he has any) fault. Friends don’t let friends play Geoff Blum at third base.

There are two solutions to this mess. One, move Biggio back to second base and move him down to seventh in the batting order. Have Julio Lugo lead off. Make Jeff Kent take his iron glove and move it to third. He’s cashing a large paycheck, he can be a big boy and cash it from third.

Or better, call Jason Lane up from AAA (why he’s there in the first place is a mystery), play Lane in center. Sit Biggio, suck it up and play Geoff Blum at third (yikes) and bat Lane leadoff. He’s got a .426 on base average in New Orleans and he’s got good power. Am I the only one who sees this?

The offense should not be struggling, but it is. The Cubs have scored FORTY more runs than the Astros. FORTY! And this is despite Jeff Bagwell proving that 2002 was a fluke year caused by his slow recovery from shoulder surgery. Lance Berkman’s barely hitting .230 but I think we all know that’s probably going to change.

Pitching wise it hasn’t been bad. Roy Oswalt and Wade Miller have yet to pitch like they did in 2002 however, especially Miller, who has a whopping 5.47 ERA. But the game’s still over if they have the lead after seven. Octavio Dotel and Billy Wagner are still the best 1-2 in the business. Though, tough times could be ahead for Wagner. USA Today reported on Tuesday that:

Billy Wagner was a little stiff when he woke up Sunday.

So many jokes, so little time.

Like most teams, the Astros struggle in long relief. Apparently it was their turn to have Bruce Chen. Chen has pitched for 37 teams in the past three years. Or so it seems. And really, are the Astros surprised that Brian Moehler stinks? If they are, they’re the only ones.

It seems to simple to just say that as long as the Astros insist on pretending Craig Biggio is an outfielder that they’ll struggle. But then, I’m a simple man.

Pittsburgh Pirates, 10-14, fourth place, 3.5 games back

Remember when Jeff Suppan was going to be the next Greg Maddux? Yeah, neither do I. But his incredible 4-1 start with a ludicrous 1.89 ERA has reminded us that at one time he was a top prospect. But then again, so was Ben McDonald and I don’t think anybody’s breaking his door down to give him a contract.

Suppan exemplifies the Pirates’ start. Suppan, like the Pirates, can’t keep it up. And that’s sad, when you figure that they’re still four games under .500 as we brag about them. Oops!

The loss of Brian Giles to injury was bad enough, but then Reggie Sanders got off to a hot start before remembering, after all, that’s he’s Reggie Sanders. Kenny Lofton is playing the outfield like he needs a golf cart and Matt Stairs has killed more grass in right field than improperly applied Ortho.

Jason Kendall finally looks healthy and that’s a very good sign. But you still look at him and think about that $66 million contract he has and want to laugh until milk comes out of your nose. Which is especially troubling if you’re not drinking milk.

The best things that Lloyd McClendon has done were to not believe Kris Benson’s awful spring numbers and hand him the ball as his number one starter (2.36 ERA in five starts) and to tell Kevin Young that the best spot for him would be on the bench. Fat, hit machine Randall Simon may play first base like it’s jai lai, but he can hit, and the Pirates need all of that they can get.
The bad news in an otherwise solid bullpen is that Mike Williams has realized that his good season in 2002 was a mirage and he’s back to being the “bad” Mike Williams. The Pirates don’t score enough runs to fritter away leads, and Williams has been doing plenty of frittering as his 8.31 ERA attests.

The Pirates have given up the least amount of runs in the division (yay!) and scored the least, too (boo!). In fact, in their first 24 games, they have scored 86 runs. You and I and the seven dwarfs could score 86 runs in 24 games. Especially Dopey. Man, that dude can rake.

Cincinnati Reds, 10-15, fifth place, four games back

The Reds opened a new stadium this year and have a new slogan. It’s catchy: “Cincinnati! Where thanks to the Brewers, fifth place isn’t last!” I ordered the t-shirt.

The Great American Ballpark is the home of the Reds and after a particularly offensive (take that either way) opening home stand, baseball experts stood in line to come up with clever nicknames for it. Unfortunately, every one of them came up with Coors Light. So much for originality, I guess.

But it wasn’t until the Reds took their show on the road, that the ballpark got some rest from the critics. The cries of, “Man, this park is too small!” changed to “Man, there’s no park big enough for this pitching staff!”

Here’s how bad things were in Cincinnati this offseason. General manager Jim Bowden traded Elmer Dessens and people got mad because Elmer was their best pitcher. You don’t even need to know anything about baseball to know that if your best pitcher is named Elmer, that you are in trouble. Just think how bad it gets when you lose your best Elmer?

Certainly, the inability of Ken Griffey, Jr. to get through two weeks without assuming his now familiar position of writhing on the ground, and the inability of Brandon Larson to hit anything that breaks, did not help the cause.

They have two shortstops. One (Barry Larkin) is too old, the other (Felipe Lopez) is too young. You half expect Goldilocks to help them pick a third one.

Aaron Boone played second base with the range and flair of a third baseman. Sean Casey still refuses to hit with his back leg on the ground. Jason LaRue is…well, he’s Jason LaRue and that’s mostly fine, but also mostly not great.

Danny Graves has proven that as a starting pitcher he was a good closer. Scott Williamson is pitching well as the new closer and so Jim Bowden apparently is (this should surprise no one) trying to trade him.

What they do have are two really good, young, outfielders. Adam Dunn can frustrate at times and his .218 average makes you wonder if he’s more Jim Thome or Russell Branyan (hey, the Reds have Branyan, too!) but nobody wonders about Kearns. He can hit for power, has a great idea at the plate and is the team’s best defensive outfielder.

He’ll probably end up on the trading block, too.

The vultures are circling manager Bob Boone and they ought to be. He’s the worst thing for this pitching staff. They’re not that good and he has no patience. He changes pitchers as an afterthought. It’s almost like he’s got an egg timer in the dugout and every twenty minutes he has to go out to the mound and get the ball.

When you take inconsistent offense, no pitching and a strange manager, you’ve got problems. You’ve also got the Cubs most years.

Not only are they screwing up some of the guys they are playing, they’re doing awful things to the once promising career of Wily Mo Pena. Despite having a farm system full of outfielders, Bowden felt the need to trade for Pena. Thanks to a strange contract he signed with the Yankees, Pena is already out of options. The Reds can’t send him to AAA (where he needs to be to play and get better) they have to keep him, or risk losing him to another team.

Why does this stuff only seem to happen to Jim Bowden?

Milwaukee Brewers, 9-16, sixth place, five games back

You’re Ned Yost. You’re the new manager of a small-market team with no plan. You go 0-6 on your first homestand. You have had to live the name Ned for your entire life. How do you keep from taking the butter knife to your wrists at dinner?

Ned Yost didn’t, and the Brewers are the feel good story of the year! They’ve gone 9-10 since that 0-6 start and…oh, forget it. This team is bad, too. When Royce Clayton has fooled you into thinking he can hit, you’ve got problems.

The Brewers have had some good news, though. Ben Sheets continues to pitch well, though for some reason you expect the words “Tommy John surgery” to end up next to his name pretty soon. Richie Sexson shook off a bad start to go on a tear. Geoff Jenkins is back from a horrible ankle injury and playing better than he was before he got hurt. Even Alex Sanchez is proving doubters wrong. Unless you were doubting that he’d still be a lousy outfielder, because he still is. But he can get on base and he’s blindingly fast.

With the good comes the bad. Wes Helms is not an every day player (.200) nor is John Vander Wal (.231). Todd Ritchie has gone from awful in 2002 to less than awful in 2003 (which, for the Brewers is progress). Glendon Rusch has won as many games with pinch hits (one) as he has on the mound (one). Curtis Leskanic and Mike DeJean have been solid in relief, but Luis Vizcaino has blown up (both on the mound and in the pants).

Matt Ford (who?) and Matt Kinney (huh?) are off to good starts and both have about as much chance of keeping that going as Julia Roberts does of keeping a husband.

They’re the Brewers. They’re destined to have one or two good players, some scrappy guys and some guys who must feel like they’re robbing the bank when they cash their checks twice a month.

But look out Reds. Here they come.