I may be the only guy in America who roots for cloudy, gloomy Sundays. That way, I don’t feel guilty for wearing a groove into the loveseat and running the batteries down in my TiVo remote.
With baseball season now officially over, and the NBA yet to crank up, it was a distraction-free Sunday of football.

If only I could have pulled myself away from the riveting Bears-Lions matchup more often.

Fox sent the pregame gang to Pittsburgh so that Terry Bradshaw could be a part of the Steelers’ 1,000th game in franchise history.

This meant the guys had to sit out in the rain and we got to watch water bead up on top of Jimmy Johnson’s teflon hairdo.

Frank Caliendo also made it to Pittsburgh, and he did a Jay Leno impersonation for his weekly segment. Do you know how you can tell when you’re watching a Jay Leno impersonator? Some of the jokes are actually funny.

Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

Also in Pittsburgh were the beautiful duo of Sam Rosen and Bill Maas. They did the actual announcing of the game. I nominate Rosen for the most creative combover in TV sports right now. He actually makes a little visor out of his hair, which comes in handy on those sunny days. As for Maas, you know you have achieved complete mediocrity when you’re still considered a “poor man’s Matt Millen.” Ouch.

The NFL Network starts next week and I really think they need another commercial. I like the idea behind the long line of fans (including the guys from “American Movie” and Tim McGraw) waiting behind the replay monitor as Don Shula waits for something to appear on the screen. But I’ve seen it at least 453 times. Of course, I’m not the swiftest guy, since I just figured out that Colby Donaldson from “Survivor” fame is the Schick Quattro guy.

The announcers in Chicago for the Bears and Lions are Dan Miller (who?) and our favorite, Brian Baldinger. If you have a bad team, you want Baldinger doing your game. He works hard, he’s very earnest and he says so many dumb things, it really helps the afternoon fly by. He’s very likeable, don’t get me wrong.

Miller informs us that the Lions have lost 19 straight road games, dating back to December of 2000. The coach of that team? Current Bears linebacker coach, and everybody’s favorite former Michigan coach, Gary Moeller. Remember when Gary got fired from Michigan for getting drunk in a restaurant and basically going off on everybody in sight? I know I do.

Wait, you mean to tell me that the entire Marty Mohrningweg era passed without one road win? What were the odds on that? (Probably pretty good, actually.)

Baldy comes through immediately with this beauty. “It’s a Chicago kind of day. That ‘Hawk’ is flying. The first sign that soon the frosting will be on the pumpkin.”

Frosting on the pumpkin?

That’s like Juan Pierre talking about running into the “ivory” on the walls at Wrigley.

But, there’s more from Baldy. “The Bears aren’t playing for tomorrow. That’s why they’re starting 12 rookies.”

Huh? Wait. They’re not playing for tomorrow? But you just said they’re starting 12 rookies?

Did you know that the Lions had more starters yesterday who are over 30 years of age than the Raiders do? Muahahahahahahaha! It’s a long road back, Coach Mariucci.

Speaking of fossils, Ray Brown is playing on the o-line for Detroit. Ray Brown played with Night Train Lane, didn’t he? Wow. Somebody get a carbon date on Ray!

The Bears offense is led by the following guys at the skill positions.
QB – Chris Chandler (One good sneeze and he’s concussed again.)
RB – Brock Forsey (The Brock Forsey? Really?)
TE – Dustin Lyman (Played linebacker at Wake Forest. Can’t the Bears draft a real tight end…ever?)
WR – Dez White (Plays like his mom not only sewed his gloves to his coat sleeves, but also sewed them together.)
Yikes.

Raise your hand it you think that Steve Mariucci actually negotiated into his contract the addition of black to the Lions uniform so he wouldn’t have to dress head to toe in Honolulu blue.
I thought so, too.

Quite the matchup we have here in Baltimore. The Ravens are starting confused rookie Kyle Boller at quarterback and the Broncos are starting Danny Kannell. I’m not making this up.

The combined QB rating of Lions’ quarterbacks Mike McMahon and Joey Harrington last week in a loss to Dallas was—2.0. Two point oh? How is that possible?

Chris Rose and Marv Levy are holding down the fort in Hollywood with JB and the gang in Pittsburgh. One of the fun things about the DirecTV NFL package is when you flip from game to game you invariably see the same updates more than once. Nice to hear Chris Rose say “decleat” about six times in three minutes.

I’m no medical expert, but the Bears have Brock Forsey listed at 205 pounds. That’s at least thirty pounds more than he looks.

Perhaps “Forsey” is a Norwegian word for “rag doll” because that’s what the Lions defense is throwing him around like.

Baldy points out that despite his largesse (my word–and Aaron Gibson does have a largesse if you know what I mean) that Aaron Gibson can do the splits. In fact, he says that Aaron might have a future in “soleil du circay.” That might be something like Cirque de Soleil, but I’m not sure.

In Pittsburgh, Bill Maas says, “I saw a guy in the parking lot roasting a deer or a wild boar or something.” Maas apparently does not know the difference between a deer and a pig. That would explain the tie he’s wearing.

Sean Landeta is still in the league and like Gary Anderson, he’s wearing the “I’m a human bobblehead doll” facemask.

In Jacksonville, Seth Marler just made a field goal. Everybody who knows what the hell a Seth Marler is, please stand up!

In Chicago, Lions wide receiver Scotty Anderson gets just enough yardage on a third down. Baldy says, “Good job there by Anderson of knowing where that yellow line is.”

Baldinger does know that the players can’t see the first down line on the field. Right?

Right?

In Cincinnati, Rudi Johnson is filling in for Corey Dillon who was in a car accident earlier in the morning. Rudi has his entire name on his jersey. It’s bad enough when teams put first initials on jerseys, but whole names? Look, the guy is wearing a NUMBER, the last name will suffice. Besides, if the fans can’t tell which guy is which, maybe they’ll actually spend $7.50 for that program you’re trying to force down their throats?

In Pittsburgh, the Steelers are on the board thanks to a long Antwaan Randle-El punt return. Fox has a great shot of Landeta jogging down the field in “pursuit.” He’s running like a guy trying to miss a bus.
Fox shows the Bears-Lions audience this little gem.

Since 1992, Most starting quarterbacks
Chicago – 15
New Orleans – 14
Detroit – 13
Washington – 13
St. Louis/LA Rams – 13
Green Bay – 1 (Favre)

They actually felt the need to put Favre’s name in the graphic, as though we’d all be sitting there wondering, “Who is the guy in Green Bay?”

Then again, we are dumb enough to spend a Sunday watching the Lions and Bears.
In Chicago, Lions punt returner Reggie Swinton breaks a 30 yard return and is tackled by (gasp!) the punter, Brad Maynard. He’s no Sean Landeta.

Then again, he has yet to whiff on a punt in the north endzone like Landeta did in the 1985 playoffs.
In Cincinnati we’re told that Seahawks running back Shawn Alexander got 400 tickets for friends and family in his first NFL game in his hometown. Last year that would have doubled the Bengals’ attendance.

The announcers in Cincinnati are Chris Myers and Dale Hellestrae. They’re officially Fox’s 12th string.
In Chicago, after following the game plan of offensive coordinator (and non-blinker) John Shoop in the first quarter, quarterback Chris Chandler (who is older than Shoop, by the way) switched to his game plan. Shoop was trying to force the ball to former number one draft pick David Terrell. Chandler started throwing to former sixth round draft pick Justin Gage. Chandler proved to be sage.

Baldinger called him, “Justy Gage.” I have no idea…

After a TD pass to Gage put the Bears up 7-0, Fox had a great camera shot of Chandler, on the next possession, lying on the ground after throwing a hail mary down the sidelines that Gage caught. Chandler, while lying on his back, called time out and the Bears kicked a field goal with :03 left in the half. Who knew?

In the studio, Marv Levy not only gives us a quip about the Bears and Lions, but he spells it out for us (literally.) “This is the game of weak. W-E-A-K.”

The Bears return a kickoff for a touchdown, as Jerry Azumah goes 89 yards. This TD return features Bears first round draft pick, defensive end Michael Haynes making a block 70 yards down field. This is either a great demonstration of his athletic ability, or a complete condemnation of the Lions’ kick return team’s effort. Let’s be positive.

In the Giants-Vikings game, Dick Stockton says something so ludicrous that we’re going to make a test question out of it.

Dick said, “Luke Pettigout is the anchor of a ___ Giants offensive line.”
a) disheveled
b) shuffled
c) shoveled
d) pathetic

If you guessed c, you’d be’d right.

“Luke Pettigout is the anchor of a shoveled Giants offensive line.”

Huh?

In Chicago, Baldinger and Miller are hyping the Michigan-Michigan State matchup next week. Do they think they’re on ABC right now?

Detroit fans, here’s a sign that your team is not good and not getting any better: Brock Forsey scores a touchdown.

In Minnesota, the decaying corpse of Dorsey Levens has made an apperance at tailback. He drops a screen pass and Troy Aikman says, “Not what you want right there.”

Hey, thanks, Troy!

In Tampa, the only good sideline reporter in the business, Tony Siragusa, has this to say about the Cowboys. “It pisses me off to see this. You have a chance to play the defending champs. Show me something. Act like you want it.”

Do we think Armen Keteyian would say that?

Kurt Schottenheimer is the defensive coordinator of the 1-6 Lions. His brother Marty is the coach of the 1-6 Chargers. Wow, that ought to be a fun Christmas.

Kurt: You know why Tijuana doesn’t have a pro football team? Because then San Diego would want one, too.
Marty: What do you call a Detroit Lion with a Super Bowl ring? A thief!
OK, maybe not.

Baldinger is at it again. Rookie Bobby Wade makes a catch on a slant and runs for a first down. “The Bears don’t have a wide reciever like Bobby Wade, and they haven’t had one since Bobby Engram. In fact, Bobby Wade wears the same number…84.”

OK, where to begin?

How can the Bears not have a player that they have? Secondly, Engram wore 81 in Chicago, but he does wear 84 in Seattle…so we’ll let that one go. Yikes.

In Chicago, the Lions appear to be out of it when with just over 2:00 left on fourth and goal, Joey Harrington drops back, has no one to throw to, but enough room to run for a first down. Instead, he suffers a panic attack and throws the ball to the grass.

The Bears punt and the Lions punch in a TD and a two point conversion to make it 24-16 and setting up the most convoluted play in the game. The onside kick.

Jason Hanson gets the ball to take a big hop and wide receiver Bill Schroeder recovers for a Lions’ first down. Bears wide receiver Dez White for some reason fails to try and catch the kick. Given that Dez is known for dropping things, it’s ironic that he’s on the “hands team.”

But wait…the replay official wants to look at the kick again. A replay shows that Schroeder actually caught the kick at the 39 yard line, not the 40, and as a result the kick did not go the required ten yards. The Lions lose…again.

There is much mirth in Chicago, for the Bears have won their second game of the season.
OK, maybe not much mirth, but definitely some mirth.

The Giants have come back to beat the Vikings, meaning that only the Kansas City Chiefs are unbeaten.
In the New Orleans-Carolina game, former Bears defensive lineman Tim Ryan says “flattens out” sixteen times in four minutes. This quickly fills the void on Fox now that Tim McCarver is not around to beat “tightly wrapped slider” into our heads every 30 seconds.

The Cowboys are in the fetal position as the Bucs finish their 16-0 stomping. After the game, Bill Parcells will complain about “bad penalties.” Which makes you wonder when the “good penalties” come in.

Despite winning a game, Ravens coach Brian Billick will realize that you and ten waiters from Applebee’s could have beaten a Danny Kannell led Broncos team. Thanks to what he perceives were two bad replay decisions, Billick will publicly withdraw his support for instant replay. Apparently, there might be people in the world who care what Brian Billick thinks about instant replay. At least he thinks there are.
Arlen Harris scores a couple of touchdowns as the Rams beat Pittsburgh and tarnish all 1,000 Steelers games. Bill Cowher’s mustache finally releases its beautiful butterfly.

The Bengals win back-to-back games for the first time since the invention of the light bulb.
Arizona, a team that gave up more than 40 points to Detroit on opening day, defeats the 49ers. America rejoices in watching Dennis Erickson confusedly wander off the field. America always enjoys watching Dennis Erickson suffer. Really, we do.

Peyton Manning leads the Colts over the Texans and does not moon anyone in the process.

Finally, in Philadelphia, Chad Pennington makes his triumphant return to the lineup, as he and Vinny Testaverde treat the quarterbacking job for the Jets like it’s a time share condo in Orlando. Pennington is in at the very end of the game, even though a 50 yard bomb is needed to win the game, and we all know Chad Pennington couldn’t throw a ball 50 yards if you counted the bounce and the roll. Predictibly, the pass falls incomplete. At the five yard line.
Gee, who saw that coming?
Wait, I guess I did.

And another Sunday afternoon is completely wasted in front of the TV.

Can’t wait to do it again next week.