I understand the basic concept that a baseball preview should be run before the season starts. I’m on board with the concept. I just didn’t bother to follow it. So a day after the Senior Circuit went to work, without Nomar–what a surprise. It’s time to bask in the glow of our first place Cubs, while we read what real baseball experts–guys who drive from minor league town to town carrying nothing but a Juggs gun, a couple dog eared copies of Juggs magazine and a vat of hand lotion you could drown a squirrel in–have to say about our favorite NL team, and the 15 other groups of assclowns.

Our scouts say:

Philadelphia Phillies
I’m not on board with baseball acknowledging Jimmy Rollins’ hit streak as still active. It’s his own damn fault that he started it with only 36 games to go in the season last year. If you want to break Joe’s record, get your ass on base with 57 games left in the season…They’ve got pitching depth, but no real number one starter. Unless you count Jon Lieber. So like I said, they don’t have a number one starter…Chase Utley can really hit, but he played defense in the World Baseball Classic like his glove was on the wrong foot…Some people think Aaron Rowand will hit better because Philly’s park is such an easy place to hit in. Didn’t he play for the White Sox? That’s the easiest park to hit homers in, in the big leagues. The reason he won’t hit is because he’s just not really all that good at hitting a thrown baseball…Flash Gordon is their closer? What, Heathcliff Slocumb wasn’t available?…Ryan Howard’s so good he might repeat as Rookie of the Year.

Atlanta Braves

I don’t think they’ve got that much pitching. The bullpen’s pretty thin, and if you weren’t sure about it, Mike Remlinger made the team. What does that tell you?…The Jones brothers are still among the best players at their positions in the game. That’s some gene pool…Chuck James made the team? Didn’t he used to draw Bugs Bunny?…They’ve got a backup outfielder named Matt Diaz, and he pronounces his name Dye-az. I think he changed it to avoid confusion with another famous Brave who spelled his last name the same way and who had a very short post-playing career as a satellite dish installer…Todd Pratt made the team. What, Bruce Benedict wasn’t available?…You see that Brian Jordan is still taking up a roster spot and you’ve got figure that in the Cox to Baker Dictionary that Brian Jordan means Neifi Perez.

New York Mets

People get on Omar Minaya for signing lots of Latin players, but have they ever stopped to consider that maybe a lot of the Latin players are good? Nah, that’s too obvious…Their opening day infield will have three players under the age of 24 on it. David Wright, Jose Reyes and Anderson Hernandez. All three are Julio Franco’s grandsons…Jose Valentin made the team because whenever Wright needs a day off they want to re-enact the first 44 years of the franchise when they had shitty third basemen who threw every ball into the stands…They should hope that Carlos Beltran can stay healthy, not just because they’re paying him ludicrous amounts of money, but because his backup is Endy Chavez. The same Endy Chavez of whom Frank Robinson once said, “When you lead off with him, it’s like starting the game with one out.” Ouch. And Frank was HIS manager at the time…Tom Glavine’s a prick.

Washington Nationals

It’s nice that baseball was so well received in DC last year, it’ll be even nicer when they get a real owner and they fire Jim Bowden…I would have loved to have been in the office when Frank Robinson and Alfonso Soriano had their “sit down” about Soriano moving to left field. Some managers will say that they’ll bench a highly paid player, but you know they don’t have the balls to do it. Frank would say he’ll bench a guy and then bench him. And as old as he is, if Soriano had given him crap during that meeting he’d have bench pressed Alfonso…Every time I see Chad Cordero, I want to punch him in his fat Calvin Schiraldi face

take that stupid hat off his hat and bend the freakin’ bill. He has to know that makes him look like the dumbest person ever. Or at least this side of Derrick Turnbow, anyway…Jose Guillen’s a good player, a tough guy and a major league assbag…I thought the trade for Brian Lawrence was excellent. Anytime you can trade for a guy and then put him on the 60-day DL, you’re doing a fine job…Gary Majewski led the league last year in homely…You watch Livan Hernandez pitch, and he rarely throws any pitch as hard as he can, and he doesn’t give up many runs and he wins, and it’s amazing that nobody else (other than Paul Byrd) has the balls to get guys out by throwing softer rather than harder.

Florida Marlins

I have no idea who any of these jackasses are.

St. Louis Cardinals

I heard from a reliable source that the first time Jim Edmonds suffered his chronic forearm numbness he was elbow deep in a German shepherd…I have it on authority that Tony LaRussa gets his hair cut with his hat on…I’ve seen the new Busch Stadium. It’s actually kind of plain and boring. You know, like Missouri…My great aunt went to kindergarten with Albert Pujols…We’ll see how smart the vaunted Cardinals front office is this offseason when Mark Mulder’s contract is up. He didn’t pitch as well as his record showed last year. Kind of like Matt Morris, who they let limp off to San Francisco…David Eckstein is just so darn cute, I want to scoop him up, cradle him like a baby and suffocate him with a plastic grocery bag…I really think that Aaron Miles winning the second base job says a lot more about Junior Spivey and Hector Luna than it does Aaron Miles.

Houston Astros

Whenever I get a little depressed I remember that Harold Reynolds said that the Astros really improved their offense by signing Preston Wilson. Then I laugh so hard that it’s impossible to stay depressed…If Phil Garner had won four more games last year he’d have been the worst manager ever to win a World Series. For now, it’s still Bob Brenly…Is Brad Lidge emotionally scarred by the game five homer to Pujols? I’ll bet his home white pants have some “scarring” in them, still…Craig Biggio went from being the worst defensive left fielder in the NL to the worst defensive second baseman last year. Congratulations?…Jeff Bagwell’s throwing got so bad last year that even the Cubs finally started running on him…Lance Berkman doesn’t even run well for a fat guy…I know Roger Clemens is a great player, but doesn’t it seem a little sad that the Astros rallying cry for the first two months is, “Let’s play well enough that Roger will want to come back?”…It’s like a kid who’s father runs off with his secretary and the kid thinks if he eats all his vegetables dad will take mom back. I’ve got news for you kid, dad’s more worried about somebody else putting something else in their mouth.

Chicago Cubs

They’re going to miss Corey Patterson. On hot days you could always count on him stirring up a nice, refreshing breeze…Here’s what amazes me. Cubs fans and reporters were worried all spring that something was wrong with Mark Prior because he wasn’t throwing enough. Then he finally throws and he’s hurt. It caused great panic. But then, almost as fast as it started, it stopped and everybody assumes he’ll just rehab it and get back. How deluded are these people?…The thing that kills me about Kerry Wood is that he ought to be every Cubs fan’s favorite player. He works hard, he doesn’t take any crap from opponents, he’s a smart guy and he’s funny. He’s an excellent athlete who can hit and field. But his right arm constantly betrays him. It’s tragic in a way. The fact is, he’s been around for seven seasons and the two that he’s pitched the best in, the Cubs have made the playoffs. That’s probably not a coincidence…Jock Jones? Three years? Why not just give a 10 year contract to Mike Sharperson?…Now that Mike Piazza is in the “always injured” phase of his career, Michael Barrett is the best hitting catcher in the NL. That doesn’t speak well of the other 14 starting catchers…I really like the Cubs’ bullpen. If they’d had it in 2003 they’d have won the World Series. Easily. Instead, it took them three extra years and now they don’t have enough starting pitching to go with it. Typical…I’ll tell you this, whenever you hear an announcer lament that “Our team always struggles against pitchers they’ve never seen before” it’s code for, “Goddamn, our hitting coach doesn’t know shit.”…Rumors continue that the Cubs will trade Matt Murton. I don’t think that’s going to happen. Right now he’s the saving grace of the Nomar trade. Plus, I have a hunch he’ll hit too well for Hendry to pull the trigger. Jim’s not big on trading anybody with any value. Which is really his one biggest problem.

Milwaukee Brewers

For some reason everybody wants them to be the poster boys for the “small market” teams having success. They’re better, but man are they overrated…Their defense might be the worst in baseball, even worse than the Yankees. Prince Fielder has no range and bad hands, Rickie Weeks is a centerfielder playing second, Carlos Lee has no clue in left, Brady Clark’s too slow to play center and Geoff Jenkins is decent in left, but overmatched in right. Other than that, they’re great…Prince and Rickie can really hit though. I mean really hit. Fielder has tremendous power, and Rickie can just flat rake…They pitched over their heads last year, especially Doug Davis. Ben Sheets being hurt already isn’t a good sign…Corey Koskie was a good guy to get–in 2001…Jeff Cirillo is still around. That’s like a sick joke or something, right? They’d be better off giving at bats to their coaching staff, I’ll be Robin Yount and Dale Sveum can hit better than Cirillo.

Cincinnati Reds

Whoever designed that park needs to be kicked right in the balls. First, it’s ugly. Second, it’s so small you can’t play a normal baseball game in it. They might as well put a pair of enormous pinball paddles behind home plate…They made a great move by trading Sean Casey. He’s a nice kid, but was being paid waaaay to much to be a 260 pound singles hitter. They were going to move Adam Dunn to first base. Then they signed Scott Hatteberg, and their back to an outfield of Dunn, Griffey and Austin Kearns. Only one of them can run. Why not resist the urge to get Hatteberg and play Ryan Freel in the outfield? My God, it’s not that complicated…When Aaron Harang is your opening day starter and you feel good about it, you’ve just been eliminated on opening day.

Pissburgh Pirates

Jim Tracy brings all the electricity of an Amish farmhouse…They have a park that’s just begging for lefthanded power to exploit it and they trade for Sean Casey? Huh?…I thought Jeromy Burnitz said he was retiring? I saw him this spring, it looks like he actually did…Jack Wilson is a number two hitter in one regard. He hits like number two…Joe Randa? They don’t have anybody in the farm system who can play third base and hit .250 for the league minimum?…Oliver Perez went from best young lefty in the the league in 2004 to the second coming of Carlos Perez in one year…I like the fat kid they have at first.  Not Casey.  The other one…They do have some good young pitching.  It’ll probably get good just in time to leave in free agency…They’re going to miss Jose Mesa.  About as much as I miss the clap.

Los Angeles Dodgers

Gee, Nomar went on the DL on opening day, what were the odds of that?…Cesar Izturis is mad that they signed Rafael Furcal to play short.  You know, when the doctor tells you you are out for 12 months, you should probably cut your team some slack for how they go about filling your spot…Danys Baez wasn’t a very good closer last year, and I like how the experts claim he’s there as insurance in case Eric Gagne struggles in coming back from his elbow problems.  He’s insurance all right.  He’s fire insurance.  You only get to use him after the house is smoldering…JD Drew wants to play center because right field is too hard on his knees.  Anything short of not lying prone in the grass is hard on his knees at this point…Kenny Lofton’s already hurt.  That’s about two weeks ahead of schedule…Bill Mueller?  Nomar?  Derek Lowe?  If the McCourts are serious about bringing in old Red Sox, they at least should go after Dwight Evans and Rich Gedman…Sandy Alomar Jr has been around so long, I think he’s older than Sandy Alomar Sr. now.

San Francisco Giants

What’s it like when everybody on the team hates your best player?  Ask the 1998-2002 Cubs…When Steve Finley is playing instead of Randy Winn, their average outfield age is over 40.  That’s obscene, and a recipe for fourth place…The older he gets, the more Moises Alou runs like a fairy.  I’m serious.  Watch him…If Lance Neikro hits a “knuckleball” liner to the outfield, do we assume he did it on purpose?…Just looking at the size of the spheroid Jason Schmidt calls a head makes my neck stiff…Matt Morris?  What, were they thin at bearded, has-been, asswipe?.

San Diego Padres

I’ll never understand the logic of playing a guy just because you’re paying him a lot.  They seemed relieved that Ryan Klesko got hurt so they could use Adrian Gonzalez at first base.  You know what?  Just cut Klesko, then.  Otherwise he kills you twice.  Once in your budget, then twice in the field…They signed Mike Piazza for nothing, which was a good deal, even if that’s exactly what he’ll give them on defense…Jake Peavy’s delivery makes my labrum throb…Did anybody really think Trevor Hoffman was going to leave San Diego for the Cuyahoga River?…Mike Cameron will help them in center but it’s so big out there they might need to clone him…Vinny Castilla?  Doesn’t Graig Nettles still have a glove?…Somebody has to say it, Khalil Greene has a mullet.  (So does AJ Pierzynski.)…Should I feel old that Jesse Barfield’s kid is playing in the big leagues?

Arizona Diamondbacks

Raise your hand if you remembered that Bob Melvin is their manager.  I didn’t think so…They’ve got a lot of good prospects, but they’re stuck playing Luis Gonzalez, who is useless now that their is steroid testing and Shawn Green who is useless except for the two weeks every summer when he gets ridiculously hot…Chad Tracy says he was always nervous in the outfield.  I’m always nervous when he’s playing third base…I feel bad for Diamondbacks fans for the simple reason they are stuck with some combination of tHom Brennaman and/or Mark Grace every night.  That has to hurt…I’d have loved to have been in the room when they came up with their colors.  “Ooh, how about black and gold.  Maybe purple and teal?  How about some maroon?  Let’s use all five!”

Colorado Rockies

Todd Helton should be used as a cautionary tale for young stars.  A few years ago he got offered a contract that looked like a lottery payout.  He gladly took it.  Now he’s due some $20 million a year for the next decade, which is cool, except that if he made half that much he’d have been traded to a good team long ago.  Hmm…They put their balls in a humidor to counteract the lack of altitude.  I do the same thing at my hotel…Clint Barmes hasn’t fallen down the stairs yet this year…Does Clint Hurdle have his job still because they don’t have the energy to do another ill-fated managerial search?.