Drama. Action. Intrigue. This Survivor has it all. And that’s just the guys trying to decide who the hottest chick is.

This is actually version 2.0 of today’s Daily Dose. Thanks to the miracle of modern technology we now enter our columns right into a Web browser. Unfortunately, if our computer crashes, nothing’s saved. I got all the way down to the stupid entertainment links this morning and lost it all. But I’ll try and brew up some fresh comedy, regardless. But no links. Hell, by now you’ve already read all the news anyway. Sorry.

I also threw my notes away and then threw what I thought was an empty Cherry Coke on top of them. I now have Coke soddened notes. Just like Shawn Kemp.

Survivor, is of course in the Amazon this “season” and we already knew that it was set up to be a battle of the sexes. As if that wasn’t enough intrigue. The new immunity idol has been modeled to look sort of like a monkey. And, sort of like Calvin Schiraldi.

I don’t think I’d even want to win that thing.

It looks like it’s made out of gingerbread. I’ll be somebody takes a bite out of it, before it’s all over.

The show opens with a helicopter shot of a tug boat towing little rowboats. We hear the voiceover of amiable, yet slackjawed host Jeff “Anal” Probst tell us that the Amazon is home to 1,000s of species of animals, produces 15 percent of the world’s oxygen and 27 percent of the world’s disentary.

He then divides the group into two eight person tribes.

Tambaqui (or was it Jamiroquai?) the all-male team.
Jamburu, the all-female team.

We then get our first look at Deena, who we suppose is on the “women’s” team. I don’t think it will come as a shock if we find she’s a former college softball star. (Wink, wink)

Once the teams are divided, Anal tells the castaways a little tale. Oooh, we love campfire stories!

He says that in 1541 some Spanish settlers discovered the Amazon and were greeted by a tribe of all-female warriors.

Uh…, um…, if the female warriors were already there, how could the Spanish have “discovered” the Amazon?

Because the warriors were so fierce, the Spanish took the mythological name for a band of female warriors and called the land the Amazon. Good thing they didn’t read the stuff about the Isle of Lesbos, huh?

Deena was very excited about the girls versus boys format. “I was overjoyed that is an all woman tribe,” he…uh…she said. “We can pee in front of each other.”

That’s great?

Male model Ryan sums up his dismay, “It’s going to be a big sausage fest.”

And underwear model (hey, just like Len Pasquarelli) Jenna says, “You can’t use your womanly powers on other women.” She apparently hasn’t met Deena yet.

The men find their camp site first. And we meet Dave the rocket scientist (no, really) and he gives the first of what promises to be dozens of interminable sermons. It was so heavyhanded that were I in the tribe I’d have responded with, “Alright who wants to vote Dave off right NOW?”

We also meet Butch, the old guy, junior high principal from Illinois who bosses people around with a charming “I don’t want to be the boss because that’s always the first guy to get booted.” He has a banner he brought with him that says, “Believe In Yourself.” The other guys are thrilled. But by day 12 they’ll be ripping hunks of banner off to go wipe themselves with.

“I believe I’ll take some of this…and a dump.”

We also meet Alex, who gives off a “I’m gay and am really upset that it’s all guys” vibe. He’s a triathlon coach. Oh, for chrissakes…

Over at the ladies camp we get our first good look at Heidi. Desipio columnist Jake Potter already dubbed her as the Amazon hottie, but I don’t see it. Granted, she’s got great boobs, but her eyes aren’t the proper distance from each other, which gives her a little bit of a Down Syndrome look. I know, I’m awful.

Me, I’m a Shawna man, myself. She’s got a bad perm, but the rest is all good. As we’ll find out later, I’m not alone in my sentiment.

Let’s look at the three hot Amazon chicks.

Heidi
Blonde, athletic, nice rack. She’s a gym teacher (friend of Nancy alert!) and has a bit of a hillbilly accent.

Shawna
She’s a hottie. I didn’t think so when we first saw her on the boat, but once she got to camp…hello!

Jenna
The underwear model, she’s skinny as hell, but has Erin potential for a rack. Hard to imagine that a model would be a darkhorse hottie, but that’s Jenna right now.

I know. We’re pigs. But we really don’t care.

Over at the ladies camp, Christy is about to drop a bombshell. She assembles the women shortly after they (finally) find their camp site and tells them that she’s deaf.

Actually, if you took Christy’s voice and Heidi’s face, you’d have….oh, I can’t.

Oops! How’d that get there?

Anyway, I was stunned at the reaction of the women. Here’s Christy, a physically able, intelligent woman. Clearly she’s an asset to their team and when they find out she’s deaf they act like it’s their handicap. They should have been drug out into the Amazon right then and covered with snakes.

We learn that Shawna’s occupation is “retail salesperson.” I now have the David Spade/Chris Farley Gap sketches running through my head. “Just cinch it.”

Over at Camp SausageFest Roger has found some kerosene but has to ask another guy to confirm it. “My smeller’s shot,” he says. Huh? I don’t want to know.

Rob, the man Jake predicted would be our favorite tribemember is living up to his billing. He’s just stolen my best joke though. Take it away Rob. “I can’t even picture what’s going on over there at Camp of the Vagina Monologues.”

What’s going on at Camp of the Vagina Monologues is the women are sitting around the fire that they needed about six hours to start (despite the fact they had flint, kerosene, a blowtorch…) and they’re gabbing away. Only now that it’s dark, Christy can’t see to read anybody’s lips. Wouldn’t you think that one of these sensitive women would at least make an effort to talk to Christy? They don’t.

So Christy decides to go to sleep, since she can’t tell what’s going on. When they find out she’s gone to sleep they act like she’s being anti-social. I hate these women. Well, all but Shawna.

Meanwhile, the guys are over at SausageFest are buidling a Swiss Family Robinson fort. The thing looks like a resort cabin. Old guy Roger is apparently a general contractor (there’s always one — BB) and is bossing everybody around. Don’t they ever learn?

Rob is bringing the funny again. “I can just imagine the women trying to build a cell phone to call their boyfriends.”

Speaking of Camp of the Vagina Monologues, old lady Jeanne is filling up our too much information bucket with, “No one went to the bathroom yesterday.” Gee, thanks!

Deena must be so disappointed.

But Jenna ups the ante. She’s the underwear model, and she proves her expertise. While they have no shelter and no food, the ladies are busy boiling water so they can wash their underwear. “Underwear has to be clean because things can grow on you,” Jenna said. “Especially down there. It’s dark.”

Hey, that’s great! But if you’re going to prove it, we’d rather you show us now, on day two instead of waiting for day 24. Blecch.

Meanwhile, Janet, the token really old lady is having a stroke. “I didn’t know it would be hard physically.” Do you have a TV, Janet? It’s called Survivor, for chrissakes. And this is only day two, you nit.

Johanna and Jeanne decide to fishing. They drag their fishing net through this muddy stream and catch some sort of hard shelled sea creature. Jeanne says, “it’s wicked pointy.” They then cut the sea thing out of the net with a machete. Yeah, that net is going to last.

They do catch a real fish, even if it’s only the size of your thumb. But it’s something.

Back at SausageFest, Rob has broken out his Magic Eight Ball. He sets some ground rules though. No one is allowed to ask the Eight Ball if they’ll win challenges. So what do they ask it? They use it to find out if any of them get to hook up with Heidi or Shawna. What’s not to like about this tribe?

It’s finally time for our first immunity challenge. Yay!

Once again it’s a convoluted, confusing grab ass obstacle course. It involves chaining the tribe members together and earning keys to unlock them until there’s one left.

That’s not important. Here’s all you have to know. The men were kicking the ladies’ asses more than halfway through the course. They came to a long skinny balance beam about three feet off the ground that they all had to get across without touching the ground. Six of the eight guys made it no problem until we got to the last pair. Asian workout freak Daniel and Ryan the model who dubbed the whole tribe a sausage fest. They could not walk on the beam. They actually got the point where they were crawling on it. Perhaps the dumbest strategy ever. Ryan was pretty good with the big shaft between his legs, but Daniel kept rolling off.

Meanwhile, this huge lead was evaporating.

All eight ladies made it across on their first try. Leaving Daniel and Ryan to dry hump the log in defeat.

The challenge ended with Heidi and her impressive rack on a zip line to the finish line. The men. The invincible men lost a challenge because two of them couldn’t walk across a balance beam. Oh, the humiliation.

The only redeeming thing is that had the women lost they’d have probably done something awful like voted off Christy. And then the Americans with Disabilities people would have been all over CBS.

So the women went off, arm in arm. Back to their Camp of the Vagina Monologues, to try and get their menstrual cycles to synch up. Eww.

The men were left to the drool the drool of regret on the pillow of remorse. If they had pillows.

When they got back to SausageFest, Dave decided to give the group another lecture. (Oh, shut up, Dave.) He went off about how he doesn’t condone lying and them lying about how many fish they caught didn’t show any integrity.

Rob summed it up nicely. “Dave is a stand up guy. I admire that. Me? I’m gonna lie. It’s bad for him.”

Roger took it upon himself to try and arrange enough votes to get rid of model Ryan. Why? Daniel’s the clod. Get rid of that top heavy, muscle bound freak. The shelter’s built, you don’t need Asian Paul Bunyan anymore.

Rob gets bonus points for comparing that day’s defeat to the Billy Jean King-Bobby Riggs tennis match. Nice.

Roger walked up to Butch and said, “It’s official. Those two kids are getting voted off.” Uh, Roger, have you ever seen the show? It’s one at a time, moron.

At tribal council, Anal put Daniel on the hot seat. “It’s good to be humbled,” Daniel said. “It’s my fault. I’m why we’re here.”

He then added, “I think Shawna’s pretty hot.” Atta boy, Daniel!

Dave felt the need to speak about why it’s OK to oogle the opponents. “The quarterback doesn’t screw the cheerleaders at halftime.” Dave didn’t play at Durand High School, obviously.

Then, Ryan sold out Rob by telling everyone that Rob loves Heidi. It’s official. It’s now the eighth grade in the Amazon.

When the votes were turned in, Ryan said about Roger, “Don’t hunt what you can’t kill.” OK, tough guy. Here’s the home version of the game.

When the votes were counted, Ryan got four, Roger three and Daniel one.

As Ryan walked into the wild to be eaten by a leopard, Anal summed it up, “This is a tribe divided. Might be something worth looking into.” Gee, ya think?

Next week’s scenes were narrated by Anal, “Something is found in the women’s box that shouldn’t be there. It threatens to divide the tribe.” So many Deena jokes, so little time.

And then, on a very special CSI we got to see Elizabeth Berkley play a hooker! What were the odds?

Since there was no Dose, or a column yesterday, I have to take this space to gloat about my correct prediction of Frederique Vander Wal as the Mole. Six weeks ago, I told you it was Freddy. See, I’m a bit of a genius.

Was everybody else as disappointed as I was at the “reunion” show for The Bachelorette on Wednesday? The only good part was the footage of the party the guys had their first night in the “bachelor pad.” But even that looked like every party we ever had at NIU. Lots of guys, lots of beer, somebody peeing on his bed and somebody eating dog food out of a bag. Big whup.

But, this is still official.
I hate Charlie.

Go sensitive fireman poet guy!