You’ve got to hand it to our Cubs.  Just when you think they don’t care and it feels like they’re mailing it in (like it did during their 9-0 loss to Florida on Wednesday) they bounce back with some irrational, immature, futile and largely pointless activity.  But you can’t say it wasn’t entertaining.

It’s true that the Michael Barrett-Carlos Zambrano fight(s) was(were) embarrassing.  No matter how much you are struggling and no matter how annoying and bad your catcher is, you really shouldn’t be punching him in the dugout.  The clubhouse?  I think we can all get behind that.  In fact, Asshole Catcher was so intent on getting his ass kicked that he went looking for round two in the clubhouse.  Glad to see he found it.

The fight cast a surreal pall over the ballpark on Friday.  It did however generate one truly funny moment.  Lou Piniella had sent Carlos to the showers with instructions to get cleaned up and go home and cool off.  Carlos, by some accounts, then stood in the tunnel between the clubhouse and dugout and taunted Michael Barrett to come down and get his whuppin’.  If Carlos did that, it’s not surprising, it’s also not surprising that Barrett would be dumb enough to take the bait.  If Carlos didn’t do that, it’s still not surprising that Barrett would be dumb enough not to let it rest and let things cool off a little.  Anyway, the funny part came when the fight re-started in the clubhouse.  WGN showed the dugout and you saw Rich Hill run over to Lou with a panicked expression, basically saying, “Dad!  Make them stop!  They’re doing it again!”

Carlos apparently had Barrett pinned up against a locker and was beating the living hell out of him.  I’m not going to argue that Michael deserved that kind of beating.  One smack to the head should have been sufficient–this time.

The Cubs came out on Saturday and played better, but still lousy.  And you knew that the next close call that went against the club was going to be Lou’s cue to get tossed for the first time.  Writers had been arguing that Lou had lost the fire for his job and wasn’t fighting hard enough for his players.  Those writers are dopes (well, they’re pretty much just Jay Mariotti), and Lou proved it with one of his all-time best tirades.  He stormed out of the dugout and threw his hat to the ground (and got tossed), then he kicked dirt all over the third base umpires feet, I mean a lot of dirt.  Then he kicked his hat four times, getting Brad Maynard-esque distance on a couple.  It was mostly for show, and it was a good show.  The Wrigley bleacher fans then pelted the outfield with beer cups and Saturday’s travel mug giveaway.  The Braves had to leave the field for their own safety and the Wrigley grounds crew had to run through the outfield picking up crap.

Lou demanded he be the one to punish Asshole Catcher and Zambrano.  He merely fined them and today in Milwaukee they have to apologize to each other.  It should go something like this.

Michael: I’m sorry you’re so annoyed by me.
Carlos: I’m sorry you’re so annoying.   And I’m sorry I gave you a fat lip and two black eyes and that you missed two and a half games.  I just wish it would have been more.

Bruce Froemming (now officially wider than he is tall after years of flirting with it) says that Lou kicked the third base ump, and baseball has suspended Lou indefinitely.  Fortunately, the Cubs are in Milwaukee today, so Lou can swing by Bud’s office and get it defined.  Dave van Dyck says he heard it’s going to be five games.  My hunch is it’ll be three.  What does it really matter?  Lou sits in the office and watches the game and calls the dugout to make changes.

Speaking of changes, the Cubs made an overdue one yesterday when they put Felix Pie back in centerfield.  The Fat Kangaroo had to go on the disabled list with a sore hip, and that opened a spot for Felix who was hitting .396 at Iowa.

Why is it that Jock never gets hurt?  Can’t he run into the ivy and break something?  Maybe we can get Carlos to beat the hell out of him now.

Jim Hendry was at the park yesterday eating Nutri-System brownies by the handful and talking ‘big picture’ about the Cubs.  But one thing he did emphasize was that Felix is up for good this time (whatever that means) and that he’ll “play” (whatever that means.)

What it should mean is that they ease Felix into the lineup by platooning him with Angel Guzman in center.  Felix is the lefty half of the platoon so he’ll get most of the starts.  Then, you leave right field as a platoon of Cornelius and Murton.  Jock Jones can play every day…for the Shaumburg Flyers.

I think you’ll see Alfonso Soriano’s play, especially his defensive effort, pick up with Felix playing next to him.  Felix brings a palpable sense of excitement with him.  Granted, Alfonso has 136 million reasons to get excited and shouldn’t need another, but we’ll take what we can get these days.

If Felix is really going to get most of the playing time in center, then Lou has done in two months what it would have taken Dusty Baker two years to figure out.  He’s already made Ryan Theriot the full-time shortstop, now he’s got Felix set in center.  Why he’s batting Felix second and Theriot seventh, I’m still working on.

There’s been a lot of chatter about why the Cubs called up journeyman Koyie Hill to take Hank White’s place on the roster instead of prospect Geovany Soto.  Soto’s hitting better than .300 at Iowa and is regarded as a better defensive catcher than Koyie.  But two things played into the decision.

1. Koyie wasn’t on the Cubs’ 40-man roster, but apparently the Cubs were being pressured by the commissioner’s office (really, by the player’s association) to move Mark Prior from the minor league disabled list to the Major League disabled list.  Prior wasn’t accruing big league service time on the minor league list, and the players had a good case that Prior was injured in spring training since he never actually threw a minor league pitch.  Putting Prior on the 60-man big league DL opened a spot on the 40 man roster, so Koyie could be called up without releasing anyone.

2. Koyie was supposed to come up to catch once a week.  You probably don’t bring your young catcher up for however long Hank’s going to be DL’d (two weeks…maybe four?) to play every six or seven games.  The Cubs didn’t know that Asshole Catcher was about to be pummeled into a weekend of inactivity.

Or it could be a third reason–maybe Soto sucks?  Nah.  He’s the next Pat Cline!