As part of our never-ending commitment to providing you, the home reader, with the finest analysis of…whatever we find interesting at the time…we bring you another installment of Chip Watch, where we try and figure out just what the hell Chip Caray is talking about. And why he’s wrong so often.
Friday, April 30, Cardinals 4, Cubs 3
Even the gang at WGN-TV is after Chip, they tried to trip him up in the open by showing a Cubs lineup that incorrectly had Greg Maddux batting ninth and pitching. Chip managed to remember that Kerry Wood was pitching. This may have been because Steve Stone has just talked about it.
Chip, talking about the wet infield on Friday night. “Back when the Cardinals had Coleman and McGee and those guys they would really water that infield down.”
Huh? Two things wrong with this Chip. First of all, the Cardinals didn’t need to water the infield because it was AstroTurf! They only had little dirt cut outs around each base. Secondly, if you’re fast, you don’t want a muddy track, you want nice hard dirt to run on.
Chip tried to bail himself out by saying, “Then the dirt would magically dry up just before the bottom of the first.” Oh, shut up.
Corey Patterson, the fastest Cub…maybe ever…singled to right field. Chip yelled, “Look out Corey! Reggie Sanders will throw that to first!”
Have you ever noticed how paranoid Steve Stone is about the visibility at any given time? At this rate they’re going to have to change his nickname to Stone “One Trick” Pony.
Kerry Wood strikes Tony Womack out with a fastball, and Chip, predictably said, “Wow! That slider is as crisp as I’ve seen!”
My favorite Chip quote of the weekend: “The advance billing has lived up to the expectations!”
Just think about that one for a minute. We’ll wait.
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With two out in the eighth, Womack is on second and Wood is about to make a 2-2 pitch to Ray Lankford. Chip says, “The crowd will tell the story! Grounder to Walker! He throws him out!”
Wait, I thought the crowd was going to tell the story. I couldn’t hear them over Chip’s blathering.
After Oregon, Illinois native (and mediocre umpire..at best) Larry Young blew a call at first base on Derrek Lee’s attempted diving tag of Scott Rolen, the Cubs intentionally walked Edgar Renteria to load the bases. Chip said. “It’s not a big deal, you have the same situation you would have anyway.”
No, it is a big deal because there’s ONE out instead of NO OUTS. Guh.
“It’s finger nail biting, t-shirt biting time in St. Louis!” I think you left out pillow biting, Chip.
Saturday, May 1, Cubs 4, Cardinals 2
A Scott Rolen foul ball hits a lady in the stands in the head. Chip calls it a “headburger” and then gives his best George Ofman phony laugh. Everybody is uncomfortable now.
What the f@#$ does “In…across…over!” mean? He yells it on lots of grounders. It makes no sense.
My second favorite Chip quote of these two games: “The Cubs haven’t been hitting on this road trip, and despite good pitching, have only one win.” Good pitching? Didn’t the Cubs allow NINETEEN runs in the first two games?
Chip was talking about how in the olden days both KMOX-AM and WGN-AM could be heard “as far south as the Florida panhandle and west of the Rockies.”
WEST of the Rockies? If a 50,000 watt radio signal can penetrate the world’s fourth biggest mountain range, I’ll eat my freakin’ hat.
This one, just made me cringe. “Sammy is trying to ‘He Bang’ the ball out of the ballpark.” What? I don’t even want to know.
Chip drops another hilarious bran muffin reference about the Cubs marketing department. Here’s a tip on the inside jokes, Chip. Yours are never funny, especially when maybe three people even know what it means. Please shut up.
“Jim Edmonds on his harse—as they say here—and Gonzalez is in with a stand up double.” Harse? As in f@#$ you and the harse you rode in on? Do that.
A perfect example of Chip’s most annoying tick, his proclivity for starting sentences with no idea how he wants to finish them, only to give you an awkward pause and the worst possible word choice. “It’s raining ever so…briskly.”
Renteria grounds one to Gonzalez who starts a 6-3 double play, and Chip says, “Alex steps on the pillow, and throws to first.” The pillow? No. Stop that.
Steve was talking about the Cardinals have “the ideal situation for a catching platoon” with right handed hitting Mike Matheny and lefty hitting Cody McKay, only Steve points out that McKay needs to get a hit or two, or he’ll be off to AAA Memphis. Chip says, “The Cubs have that same situation with Bako and Barrett. It gives a manager great flexibility.”
No, it doesn’t. Because like the Cardinals, the Cubs lefty batting catcher can’t hit. It gives you ZERO flexibility. None.
Captain Alliteration is at it again with, “basepath bungling!”
Scott Rolen hit one about 340 to straight away center, and Chip says, “On any other night, that’s a homer.” Huh? It was more than 60 feet short of the fence. What other night are we talking about, any other night when there’s a tornado in town?
“In the ’70s, this place, Busch Stadium was a great place to come and lose some weight. The turf made this place a steam bath.” Just in the ’70s? Not the ’80s or early ’90s? Was the sun closer to St. Louis then?
Alou hits one down the line just foul and Chip says, “The Cubs just can’t dial in that corner. Confound it.”
Confound it? What does that mean? How old is Chip? What the hell is going on?
I’m not making this quote up. “The Cubs are looking good, up 4-1 in this second game of this big series in St. Louie Louie!”
St. Louie Louie? Is he drunk? Just how daft is this guy? Does he ever shut up? Ever?
“You always want to perform well against the team who sent you packing. Ray King is a former Cub.” Uh, Chippy, Ray is a former everything. And won’t it be great next year when you can come back to town and announce your little butt off for some other team. Please.
I lost count at nine, on references Chip made to “Cardinals fans flying this coop.” It was just painful.
And finally, this has nothing to do with Chip (thank goodness) but remember how we mocked Arizona second baseman Matt Kata for wearing eyeblack in a night game, in a dome? Well, Ray Lankford just did him one (maybe two) better. He wore eyeblack on Saturday…in a rainstorm…at night…and he’s black anyway. I have no idea.
I really liked Chippy Boy’s analogy of Scott Rolen having a laser for an arm. Later, Chip announces that the outfielder fired a laser to second. So, if you keep up the analogy, the outfielder threw Rolen’s arm into the second baseman.
A hip tip for your lip, Chip: a throw *can* be a laser, but a guy’s arm is definitely not a laser.
Why is he saying "Edmonds has trouble getting hits with runners on 2nd and 3rd…" instead of just saying he is struggling hitting with men in scoring position? He has said this the long way about 5 times in this series.
Sox in first place! Cubs not!
Cry about it to the media.
I weel KEEL de boolpen!!!
That "advance billing" quote is so damn choice, it would boggle Casey Stengel’s mind…
The St. Louie Louie thing, isn’t that Chip giving a shout-out to Judy Garland?
I come in handy when Chip is talking.
Actually, discussing a team’s failures with yourself is a mighty fine way of being able to ignore Chip 80 percent of the time. Not that I, um, do that or anything.
1) The St. Louie Louie shout out to Judy Garland.
2) Chip, at one point yesterday said, "Why yes Steve, I’m very happy." Happy = gay = Chip subtly letting everyone know that he is, in fact, a disco dancin’, Oscar Wilde readin’, Streisand ticket holdin’ friend of Dorothy.
I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming!
I was so desperate to avoid Chip that I watched Sunday’s game on KPXR and listened to the St.Louis homers. (btw I learned that Matt Morris was ‘dominating’ and ‘blowing away’ the Cub hitters, and Big Z was having a lucky outing)
Back to Chip: What the hell is up with the football references? "Yardage"? a "safety"?
I am also sick and tired of the references to Stone not picking up the tab ever. Was this ever funny? Maybe when Harry used to do it. I don’t know if it was funny then, but it didn’t make me want to kill something. Also, he lead into a story about Ron Santo "right after the break" yesterday, and he never told the story, or maybe I was tuning him out be then?
Honest to God, when I watch the game, I don’t even notice the little dweebbag. I just get so damn frustrated at watching guys ground out on the first pitch.
Is the bell toilin’ for Chippy?
How about Chip’s description of a "miraculous pitching performance by Carlos Zambrano!!!!"
Terrific performance, yes.
Miraculous, no.
A miraculous pitching performance involves Andy Pratt getting thru an entire inning in Des Moines without a walk.
Steve did tell the Santo story eventually, and it was basically that Ron has a new dog and it’s Canadian and the former owners spoke French and Ron was worried the dog wouldn’t understand English.
If the dog doesn’t understand English, there’s still a chance that he would understand whatever language it is that Santo speaks.
Actually, if the dog doesn’t speak English, he doesn’t have to worry about understanding Chip…lucky damn dog…
That would be one of the few times that it is fortunate to be a dog, correct?
What is one of the annoying things about Chip I’ve noticed is the fact he has two basic homerun calls, whereas almost all announcers have just one basic homerun call.
Chip has both "Swung on belted" and "Swing and a drive" as his basic calls.
Chip, please, just pick one and go with it! Please! Thank you.
And, Joe, I do tip my cap to you for not trying to get back in with the Cubbies after your tour of duty. How in the world I survived that time with you and Chip in the booth I will never know.
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