The Chicago radio airwaves are filled with conflicting reports as to who the Cubs have offered the Los Angeles Dodgers for outfielder/board game magnate Milton Bradley. Whether it’s the useful Todd Walker or the useless Corey Patterson is the issue. Well, actually the real issue is if it’s good idea to trade for an outfielder who is likely completely insane.

It’s true that Carlos Zambrano is a beloved institution around here, so for us, it’s the nuttier the better. The idea of a talented outfielder who could possibly snap and empty the entire contents of the dugout onto the field, or throw stuff into the stands, or pick a fight with a white teammate (look out Matt Murton, nobody’s whiter than you) is appealing.

What’s interesting about this is that this is exactly the kind of player that the Cubs had in mind when they hired Dusty Baker. A talented player who needs a “player’s manager” to settle him down and get the most out of him.

But does anybody think Dusty’s supposed abilities aren’t just a sham?

Any Bradley pickup would be short term, so it makes perfect sense for the Cubs. You’ve got your Up With People manager in place for at least one more year, why not bring in Bradley as his ultimate challenge? If it fails, both of them can walk out of the Cubs’ lives forever. If it works, you get a player with the ability to play any outfield spot well and is also a switch hitter with power and speed.

When the Cubs signed Dusty after he’d botched the 2002 World Series, the idea was that the Giants were fools to let this guy go. After all, nobody got more out of his players than old Dusty.

What we’ve found since then was that there’s a reason Dusty likes older players, because they don’t need a manager. Older players already know how to play and they already know what to do. That doesn’t mean they can do it anymore, but their performance isn’t impacted a whole lot by the guy filling out the lineup card.

We found out that anybody with a pulse can get 90 wins out of the Giants if Barry Bonds’ knee stays in one piece (Felipe Alou barely has a pulse and he got 190 wins in his first two seasons as Dusty’s replacement.)

But if Dusty’s going to cling to his reputation as a player’s manager, Milton Bradley’s acquisition would be the perfect chance for Dusty to prove it.

Nobody doubts Milton’s ability. The Expos had high hopes for him, but traded him to Cleveland for the great Zach Day (actually Day was very highly thought of at the time, and still is by some — well, Jim Bowden).

Bradley hit .321 for the Indians in 2003, almost got in a fight on the field with Dodgers’ catcher Paul LoDuca for standing at home plate and slowly undoing the velcro on his gloves after he hit a homer in an interleague game. He threw tantrums in the dugout and manager Eric Wedge and general manager Mark Shapiro decided to let somebody else deal with him.

The Dodgers traded for him in spring training in 2004. The Cubs were interested at the time, but had the great outfield of Alou-Patterson-Sosa, and how could you break up that troika?

LA was supposed to be good for Bradley, though I never knew exactly why. He is from there, born and raised in south central. The guy he got traded for, Franklin Gutierrez has one big league at bat and six pinch running apperances in his illustrious Indians’ career.

Bradley had a decent season in 2004 for LA, hitting .267 with 19 homers but getting thrown out in 11 of his 26 stolen base attempts. He and LoDuca even got along, until the Duke was traded to the Marlins for the great Hee Seop Choi and Brad Penny. Bradley did play an excellent center field, however. He’s got enough speed for the position and an excellent throwing arm. He also had an incident where he threw water bottles into the stands at Dodger fans and one where he emptied a ball bag onto the field during a game.

In the offseason the Dodgers signed JD Drew and after he signed a five-year, $55 million deal, JD started telling everybody that his knees hurt and that he should play center because for some reason you don’t have to stop in center. Apparently, you just run around in circles until the ball is hit at you. I had no idea.

The Dodgers were worried that Milton would throw a fit if they asked him to move to right, but he said he had no problem giving JD some starts out there if it would keep him healthy. It didn’t. He hit well, .29o with a .350 on base average and 13 homers in only 74 games. But, he only played in 74 games. Like Drew, Milton didn’t say healthy, either.

He tore a ligament in a finger on his right hand and missed some time. Then he tore his patella tendon in his knee and had season ending surgery (performed by the Cubs’ favorite surgeon, Reds’ team doctor Timothy Kremcheck.)

Along the way he called Jeff Kent a racist, had the police come to his house on three separate occassions to investigate him for spousal abuse and was nominated by the Dodgers for both the Roberto Clemente Award and Major League Baseball Man of the Year. Huh?

Bradley will be 28 on tax day and even for a guy with as much talent as he has, you start to run out of chances.

This is similar to the Nationals trading for Jose Guillen after he so infuriated Angels’ manager Mike Scioscia that he was left off the Angels 2004 playoff roster. Guillen spent a productive and uneventful season under Frank Robinson in Washington last year.

Not to go all Scoop Jackson here, but you’d think if anybody could get through to Bradley, it’d be the Cubs’ coaching staff. Dusty and trusted sidekicks Sonny Jackson and Gene Clines are all (last I checked) black. Nobody loves to talk about being black as much as Dusty does.

You can imagine a day in April when Milton’s pissing and moaning about something and Dusty calls him into the office and tells him a few Hank Aaron stories. Then he’ll do it again in June and July and August. The only danger is that Milton snaps because he’s heard too many stories that start, “Back in the day when I played with Hank…”

If the Dodgers want to divest themselves of their problem child, why would the Cubs trade for him? Why give up a player for a guy likely to be non-tendered. After all, that’s how the White Sox got their asshole catcher last year.

First off, if the Cubs are serious about this, they shouldn’t run the risk of waiting for him to get released. If the Dodgers are going to take anything for him, somebody else is likely to swoop in and sign him. If he’s released and the Angels show some interest in him (after all Steve Finley certainly looked his age last year, they love making the Dodgers look bad and Scioscia can threaten Milton with some Guillen-esque tough love) Milton might stay home. If you want him, right now, trade for him.

If the price is Patterson, so be it. Corey’s of no use to the Cubs now. They’ve all but given up on him. Besides, it’ll be fun to watch him try to uppercut everything into the outfield at Dodger Stadium.

If it’s Walker, it’ll only happen after Rafael Furcal finally ends the ruse and signs with the Cubs. Then, Furcal plays short, Ronny Cedeno plays second and after one spring training game, Neifi takes over for Cedeno.

Walker probably shares first and second with Jeff Kent (with each guy showing off his lack of range at a different spot each day) and Hee Seop Choi is back on the Hee Seop Bench. Maybe they’ll sign Nomar, too (though, if Nomar’s smart he’ll sign with Cleveland now that Indians are interested in him) and the infield can have no range, anywhere. At least until Cesar Izturis comes back from his Tommy John Disease rehab and tries to play all four infield spots at once.

If Bradley is picked up, it shouldn’t stop Hendry’s pursuit of Juan Pierre. It sounds like the only truly interested teams in Pierre are the Cubs and Rangers. Hey, if you had Corey Patterson and Gary Matthews Jr. as your other options, you’d be interested, too.

Speaking of Furcal (I did, like three paragraphs ago) it’s all over but the shouting. The Dodgers were never serious players. It’s hard to convince a player to take a long term deal when he has no idea if you ever intend to hire a manager.

The Braves weren’t just hoping for a home-town discount, they were counting on it. If the Cubs really made an offer of (or near) five years and $50 million which is now reported to have been made, the Braves are out of it. John Schuerholz is a smart man. He’s running a team on a budget (albeit a fairly substantial one) but can’t have more than half his payroll locked up in three players (the Joneses and Furcal) and that doesn’t even factor in how much they’re on the hook for Mike Hampton.

The Braves have already identified a cheaper alternative (a trade for Julio Lugo) and he’s got to find a way to pay for a closer now that the Cubs, Jays and Mets have sent the price of relief through the roof.

Now watch, the next thing you’ll see on the ESPN crawl is “Braves re-sign Rafael Furcal” and all hell breaks loose.

In fact, what would happen then? What would plan B, be?

Would you believe Alfonso Soriano?

All signs point to that as Hendry’s move if he can’t get Furcal. Obviously, Soriano can’t lead off, so that would put even more pressure on Hendry to trade for Pierre, but the signs are there. If the Cubs get Furcal, Cedeno is supposed (I say supposed because with Dusty all bets are off) to play second, if they don’t, he’s supposed to be the shortstop and the Rangers will finally have somebody willing to take Soriano off their hands.

Trust me. This is the plan. And it’s more reason to hope I’m right about Furcal.

Of course, if Hendry was really going to go for the kill, he’d get Furcal, Pierre, Bradley and Soriano.

Until then, enjoy John Mabry!