Pitching matchup:
Cubs: Richie Hill 6-6, 3.67 ERA
Stros: Magic Wandy 7-10, 4.72 ERA
267 Comments
Slaky
on August 6, 2007 at 6:55 pm
This lineup is a fucking car wreck of Hancockian proportions. Tonight should be fun…er, brutal.
Eric Patterson
on August 6, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Hey guys. I’m Corey’s little bro and I’m glad to be here. This should be fun for me. At least Felix said it would be. Oh, and he said not to worry about his feelings. He said that he is fine with getting douched on again. Anyways, having me here should be good for the marketing department. I know Corey sold a lot of jerseys. Almost as many as his 2005 batting average, even. He was just short with 214 jerseys sold. I’m proud to be a Cub and have all your support. Now who are these boo birds my bro told me about??
Tonight's Lineup
on August 6, 2007 at 7:05 pm
It’s me:
Bon Temps Part Une
RonCe
MVLee
MVE
Red Menace
Versatility Personified
Oxymoran
Taint
I’m a Big Boy Now
So
on August 6, 2007 at 7:05 pm
Desipio has been around for 10 years, but Andy Dolan only got a home computer last week?
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 7:06 pm
Great line up for the Cubs tonight.
Eric Patterson
on August 6, 2007 at 7:06 pm
So where exactly does Gail Fischer work? I’m thinkin’ there’s nothing wrong with big bro’s sloppy seconds. Plus, I love a pair of nuts on my chin.
Ron Ce
on August 6, 2007 at 7:08 pm
HA! A second baseman that’s worse than me in the field!
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 7:10 pm
Soriano is out 2-4 weeks, but Ronnie is okay going from 1st to 3rd on a single.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 7:12 pm
Swing at everything A-Ram. Swing at everything.
DPappy
on August 6, 2007 at 7:16 pm
I was wondering if GameCast was insane during Ramirez’s at-bat. It showed him swinging at a strike 3 that should have hit him in the hip. Apparently, it was having a rare moment of accuracy.
Rich Hill
on August 6, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Is anyone warming up in the bullpen yet?
Dick Hill
on August 6, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Me and a left field fence that would be at home in a Little League park should be a good match.
The Hill in Center
on August 6, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Anybody else think I am a stupid gimmick??
10 Walks
on August 6, 2007 at 7:20 pm
I’m the over-under from Rich.
Rich Hill
on August 6, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Can someone tell me where the strike zone is?
The Hill on the Mound
on August 6, 2007 at 7:23 pm
Can anybody point out home plate for me?
Dick Hill
on August 6, 2007 at 7:25 pm
For a second there I thought I would need my diapers changed in the 1st inning, but I’ll be okay for now.
I hope that Jason Manson was paying attention on his at bat. And that he sees how a catcher can catch a foul pop up behind home plate.
Crickets
on August 6, 2007 at 7:34 pm
We can hear ourselves in here tonight
berkeleycubfan
on August 6, 2007 at 7:34 pm
I think Pat just said Wade Miller has been released. Woohoo!
Stealing at Will
on August 6, 2007 at 7:36 pm
I killing me.
Jason Kendall
on August 6, 2007 at 7:36 pm
So I’m what, 0-23 on pickoffs?
Jason Kendall
on August 6, 2007 at 7:37 pm
How could they run on me? I’m 0-23 throwing out runners!
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 7:38 pm
Jason Manson can’t throw Carlos Lee out trying to steal second? He couldn’t throw out a guy on crutches.
0-24...
on August 6, 2007 at 7:38 pm
…now.
And 7-83 on the season. That’s not good.
SD
on August 6, 2007 at 7:38 pm
I think we should give Eric Patterson a Desipio Message Board Award of some sort. We should give him a plaque then photograph him holding said plaque. Then we should post the picture of him holding the plaque on the website.
Stephen Hawking
on August 6, 2007 at 7:39 pm
Jesus Christ on a crutch Kendall couldn’t throw me out.
Moe Thacker
on August 6, 2007 at 7:39 pm
I’m still available.
SD
on August 6, 2007 at 7:39 pm
Also, we should piss on Jason Kendall’s doorstep. If his wife has planted a row of flowers, we should piss on those as well.
Pat trying
on August 6, 2007 at 7:40 pm
…to explain time zones to Ron. This ought to be entertaining.
Trey Wilson
on August 6, 2007 at 7:40 pm
How’d he ever throw out 8?
The Hill in Center
on August 6, 2007 at 7:41 pm
Poll:
Who’s more worthless:
Me
Jason Kendall’s arm
Results out in the 5th
Ron Santo
on August 6, 2007 at 7:42 pm
I’m talking about how I told John McDonut that the Cubs booth needs air conditioning sometime before the World Series.
8 baserunners thrown out
on August 6, 2007 at 7:42 pm
We pulled up lame on the basepaths a la Soriano last night.
Re: #33
on August 6, 2007 at 7:42 pm
Count this as one Yay vote for Jason Kendall’s “arm”.
#34
on August 6, 2007 at 7:43 pm
Yeah. Umm, what the fuck did that mean?
David Well's ERA...
on August 6, 2007 at 7:43 pm
just exploded after a 7 run fifth in STL.
David Wells' Stomach
on August 6, 2007 at 7:44 pm
is about to follow suit.
Rich Hill
on August 6, 2007 at 7:44 pm
I’m going to try and hit it with my purse next time
Re: #37
on August 6, 2007 at 7:47 pm
Consider the source.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 7:47 pm
Runner at 3rd and one out. Will he score?
Cedeno
on August 6, 2007 at 7:48 pm
Not if I have anything to say about it
berkeleycubfan
on August 6, 2007 at 7:48 pm
If you ever think you might line out into a doube play, then strike out. Way to go Cedeno. You fuckstick.
3-0 Greenlight
on August 6, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Sure, why not?
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 7:49 pm
And the answer is no.
Ron
on August 6, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Geeeeeez!!!!!!!!!!!!
4-2-0 Greenlight
on August 6, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Shoulda waited for me Derrek.
Rich Hill
on August 6, 2007 at 7:51 pm
Don’t worry, friends, I’ll shut them down.
Stephen Hawking
on August 6, 2007 at 7:53 pm
#49, it is totally within the ream of possibility.
Slaky
on August 6, 2007 at 7:54 pm
Cedeno and Murton are giving me horrific flashbacks to 2006. I’m in tears over here. Not the good kind.
Stephen Hawking
on August 6, 2007 at 7:55 pm
or he could ream us with a stack of paper.
berkeleycubfan
on August 6, 2007 at 7:56 pm
It’s gonna be okay Slaky.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 7:56 pm
#50
Hey Steve,
I think you could steal a base on Kendall.
NSBB
on August 6, 2007 at 7:56 pm
You mean THEE Matt Murton? He’s better than Alfonso Soriano. Somebody tell the MODS! to please censor and ban this offensive poster. I will console myself with mother’s milk and cookies until this has been taken care of.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 7:58 pm
Slaky,
What 2006 season? It got canceled in April.
Michael Barrett
on August 6, 2007 at 7:59 pm
I think what Slaky is really trying to do is provoke a conversation about me.
berkeleycubfan
on August 6, 2007 at 7:59 pm
Pat has announced various Cubs fans in attendence. So far I have heard the “Dozers” and the “Boozers”. I’m not making this shit up.
A-Ram
on August 6, 2007 at 7:59 pm
I swing at every freakin’ pitch mang. You just throw eet anywhere I swing.
Ron Santo
on August 6, 2007 at 7:59 pm
Riggleton? Wiggleton? I remember him as a Diamondback.
Ty Wiggington
on August 6, 2007 at 8:01 pm
I’m a midwife in the offseason.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 8:03 pm
I thought Angel would ground into the inning ending DP. Nice work on the fly out Angel.
Apex
on August 6, 2007 at 8:04 pm
God, this team is so done. What am I doing here?
SD
on August 6, 2007 at 8:05 pm
What are you doing here, Apex? I’ll wager you’re wearing a Bears cap. That’s what you’re doing.
berkeleycubfan
on August 6, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Way to go Angel, you stupid fuck. BTW, pop quiz, how many outs are there? Oh well, here’s my man Kendall.
Dick Hill
on August 6, 2007 at 8:06 pm
Bases loaded and I’m up. Yay?
Dick Hill
on August 6, 2007 at 8:08 pm
I’m supposed to swing at the ball with the bat? Now you tell me.
Rich Hill
on August 6, 2007 at 8:08 pm
You guys oughta be happy — I just worked out of a bases loaded jam! Oh wait…
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 8:08 pm
The Cubs could hit a home run and not score a run.
Gamecast
on August 6, 2007 at 8:09 pm
It is good to read one of me again
Apex
on August 6, 2007 at 8:09 pm
I have no hat or shirt on presently. I need a haircut.
berkeleycubfan
on August 6, 2007 at 8:10 pm
I never realized how much Jason Kendall’s ankle looks like Tyrone Prothro’s.
Slaky
on August 6, 2007 at 8:10 pm
Apex, you’re scaring me.
The Bataan Death March
on August 6, 2007 at 8:10 pm
The Cubs are on me.
#71
on August 6, 2007 at 8:11 pm
TMI
SD
on August 6, 2007 at 8:12 pm
Same here ‘Pex, except the haircut part. TV’s John Basedow has nothing on these pectoralis muscles. Or should I call them pecs? Or Pex? Pex Pecs? How is it that I feel gheyer after typing this.
Tyrone Slothrop
on August 6, 2007 at 8:13 pm
A screaming comes across the…nevermind.
The Game
on August 6, 2007 at 8:13 pm
I’m over.
Slaky
on August 6, 2007 at 8:14 pm
ASSFUCK!
walsh
on August 6, 2007 at 8:14 pm
gamecast just said two pitches were in the same place in the middle of hte zone, and one was a ball and one was a strike. how horrible was the missed call, anyone watching?
Apex
on August 6, 2007 at 8:14 pm
My farmer’s tan teh hott.
Apex
on August 6, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Fucking retarded to pitch to Lee in that lineup. Ever. Way to be, Mitch.
Pat was just plugging Carnival Barker McDonough’s newest scheme–the regular schmoes who will vie for a chance to sing the 7th Inning Stretch and, while I was disappointed to see my ex-boss miss the cut, I did see that Vance from NSBB made it.
Christ I’m not sure if I would want to see him lose or actually see him win and fall out of the booth or something.
Cedeno
on August 6, 2007 at 8:18 pm
I have no clue out there. I need a t at the end of my name
berkeleycubfan
on August 6, 2007 at 8:18 pm
That was great, way to go Theriot! Oh shit. Here’s Cedeno.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 8:19 pm
A lead off double by The Riot. Will he sc….never mind.
SD
on August 6, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Vance is from Louisiana? That explains an awful lot.
the Hawk
on August 6, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Well, its a start
Slaky
on August 6, 2007 at 8:21 pm
Hey he scored! Why have we all reverted immediately back into “Cubs fans” again? Was there a switch that turned off or what? It’s kind of funny actually.
Weak Groundouts to Second
on August 6, 2007 at 8:23 pm
Enough of me and you’ll eventually score, I guess.
Apex
on August 6, 2007 at 8:23 pm
The switch for me was backtoback ninth inning ass rapings on Thurs. and Fri. Really pooped in my bornflakes. Big time.
berkeleycubfan
on August 6, 2007 at 8:23 pm
We scored, sweet. Cedeno is still a fuckstick, though.
walsh
on August 6, 2007 at 8:25 pm
2nd that, #92. what is he doing on the roster?
"Cubs fans"
on August 6, 2007 at 8:26 pm
The only pooh-pooh’er around is ol’ Cheerios pisser here. I was about to crack a Cheerios pisser joke until he pooped in his crapflakes. Dammit.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 8:28 pm
Did they just say that Eric Patterson is an aggressive swinger?
The Results...
on August 6, 2007 at 8:28 pm
Are In.
Center Field Bump: 4%
Jason Kendall’s Arm: 96%
It’s a landslide. Today’s fan poll results are in and Kendall’s arm is exponentially more worthless than the center field bump. The reason: We only gotta deal with the bump 6 times a year. JK is here to stay.
texas leaguers
on August 6, 2007 at 8:28 pm
Not surprising that Houston would specialize in me
Slaky
on August 6, 2007 at 8:29 pm
Well Apex, they crapped themselves ten times worse in that game in Flushing…you know the one. And look where they are now. Tied with the shitty Astros and the Brewers are losing 4-0. Perspective?
the Hawk
on August 6, 2007 at 8:29 pm
Hill has gone 5, yea?
Wandy Rod
on August 6, 2007 at 8:30 pm
strikeout
Dick Hill
on August 6, 2007 at 8:30 pm
I got a strike out! I got a strike out! What? It was of Wendy? Oh well.
Get A Brain!
on August 6, 2007 at 8:32 pm
Morans
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 8:32 pm
It’s 4-1 now. Fielder just hit a home run. It’s the Tards we have to look out for. Look at how they molested Wells today.
Pat
on August 6, 2007 at 8:32 pm
I’m back. The shitter was great.
walsh
on August 6, 2007 at 8:33 pm
speaking of HRs, where the hell are they this year for the cubs?
Phil Rogers
on August 6, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Re: #105
They’re with me, leather.
rich hill
on August 6, 2007 at 8:38 pm
I beat an old man to first for an out. You may call me Jesse Owens.
No run support
on August 6, 2007 at 8:38 pm
Is what the Cubs give poor Dick.
#103
on August 6, 2007 at 8:39 pm
Molesting David Wells….uhhhhoooohhh…yeeeeckkk. Gives me the fucking creeps.
Brooks Robinson
on August 6, 2007 at 8:40 pm
4 career GITP. That isn’t even beginning to mention his SuperVORP.
walsh
on August 6, 2007 at 8:41 pm
i’m sorry phil, i don’t get it.
The Marquis de Suc
on August 6, 2007 at 8:42 pm
Wait, a starting pitcher can go 6 innings? Really? Since when?
Quality Start
on August 6, 2007 at 8:44 pm
Hard to believe, isn’t it?
SD
on August 6, 2007 at 8:45 pm
What Phil Rogers is trying to say, walsh ol’ buddy:
“I am the leader of the Cubs Home Run Drought Witch Hunt. Join my masses!”
Ron
on August 6, 2007 at 8:45 pm
Well, I got an email here… and uhhhhhhh… uhhhhhh… I’ll wait.
Will Ohman
on August 6, 2007 at 8:46 pm
Who needs 7 innings from your starter when you have me!
lolololol
on August 6, 2007 at 8:48 pm
I’m hearing the Astros 7th Inning Stretch through my MLB.TV radio feed and it is atrocious.
berkeleycubfan
on August 6, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Will Ohman, may you please go the way of Wade Miller. Or go drive a fucking beer truck or something…anything else.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 8:49 pm
Someone should tell Wendy that he’s actually pitching an away game and watch him melt down in the 8th.
Rockies 6-1 in the bottom of the 3rd.
Quality Start
on August 6, 2007 at 8:50 pm
Shame to waste me
Carlos Lee
on August 6, 2007 at 8:50 pm
Jason Kendell is my bitch. Just watch.
Kendall
on August 6, 2007 at 8:51 pm
If Lee tries to steal second again. He’ll probably do it safely.
Ty Wigginton
on August 6, 2007 at 8:51 pm
I look like I should be changing your oil at Jiffy Lube.
Carlos Lee
on August 6, 2007 at 8:52 pm
I should have tagged up. I would have made it doges
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 8:52 pm
It worries me when Dick starts mumbling to himself on the mound.
Ty Wiggington
on August 6, 2007 at 8:52 pm
I can also deliver an unproductive out.
Astros Color Guy
on August 6, 2007 at 8:53 pm
I just said Jason Marquis has been outstanding for the Cubs.
I’m an idiot.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 8:54 pm
#127
Is Joe Morgan in the Asstroll’s booth tonight?
Get A Brain!
on August 6, 2007 at 8:55 pm
Astros Color Guy?
Moran
Joe Morgan
on August 6, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Sorry Taylor. I’m at home sorting baseball cards of myself and recovering from my monthly botox surgery.
LoneStarCubFan
on August 6, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Ok you assholes, quit fucking around and score some runs off this slapdick.
berkeleycubfan
on August 6, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Way to go fuckstick! You haven’t fucked anything up yet. You’re the greatest!
D V
on August 6, 2007 at 8:58 pm
how close is union station to wrigley?
Soriano
on August 6, 2007 at 8:58 pm
I have a small tear in my quad? Did anyone else know this? This is news to me.
berkeleycubfan
on August 6, 2007 at 8:59 pm
I take that back. Fuckstick, you struck out.
walsh
on August 6, 2007 at 9:00 pm
cedeno SUCKS
Pat Hughes
on August 6, 2007 at 9:00 pm
New nickname for Ronny Cedeno.
“Swings and misses” Cedeno.
air2300
on August 6, 2007 at 9:01 pm
Fuck this Ump. He has two different strike zone for both teams.
Cy Wandy
on August 6, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Sup Bitches
Ron
on August 6, 2007 at 9:02 pm
Gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Braun Ruth
on August 6, 2007 at 9:02 pm
I just homered.
walsh
on August 6, 2007 at 9:03 pm
120 pitches, good god
6-2 Rockies
on August 6, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Over the Brewers in the 4th.
Mendoza Line
on August 6, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Has anyone seen Ronnie? Any advice on where to look? Maybe below me?
Cy Wandy
on August 6, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Why do 2/3’s of every rotation the Cubs face consist of guys named Cy!?!?!?
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 9:05 pm
Wendy’s hit a season high of strike outs tonight. His next start he’ll give up 10 runs in the first inning.
Pat
on August 6, 2007 at 9:07 pm
Marmol to face Raphael Palmeiro.
Carlos
on August 6, 2007 at 9:10 pm
I’m gonna wind up like Bob Dole.
Wood
on August 6, 2007 at 9:11 pm
Am I warming up?
y2g
on August 6, 2007 at 9:12 pm
#103,
The molesting of Wells would have been worse but Edmonds sat out tonight.
Dusty Baker
on August 6, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Kerry, we’re going to stretch you out to 3 innings tonight.
Question
on August 6, 2007 at 9:13 pm
How can you tell when Bob Dole has been having sex? His wife has pen marks on her back.
Slaky
on August 6, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Good news: Rich Hill may not suck in total. Bad news: the offense sure fucking does.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 9:16 pm
Why did Lou pull Murton? He could have struck out on 3 pitches too.
Wandering Interloper
on August 6, 2007 at 9:16 pm
You look at the box score for that Milwaukee/Colorado game and see the HRs hit, four guys I’d cream my pants for were they on the Cubs–Braun, Fielder, Holliday, Hawpe. Four really good hitters.
Anyone who wants to avoid the low-inside slider, it’s getting late. Nice adjustment by Gerald Perry.
White Sox Offense
on August 6, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Christ, they’re almost as bad as me.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 9:20 pm
6 straight strike outs.
Cory Lidle
on August 6, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Too bad I’m flying the plane
Richie Hebner's Bong Pipe
on August 6, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Remember when my bro Richie used to come off the Cubs bench and get big late inning hits? That was teh balls, bro. That Astroturf is so fucking greeeeeeen man……….
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 9:21 pm
This is all Dick’s fault. If he hadn’t given up that home run the Cubs would have a 1 run lead going into the 9th.
Bob Howry
on August 6, 2007 at 9:21 pm
I’ll end this game real quick.
The Man with the Texaco Star
on August 6, 2007 at 9:23 pm
I just filled up Howry’s gas can, he’ll do fine here.
Web gems time! Two catches behind the plate tonight for Kendall.
cubbiekidd22
on August 6, 2007 at 9:23 pm
This might be the last at bat of the game.
Kyle Farnsworth
on August 6, 2007 at 9:25 pm
I’d throw him the slider 0-2.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 9:25 pm
How was that not a strike?
cubbiekidd22
on August 6, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Or not.
what the hell is a caballo??
on August 6, 2007 at 9:28 pm
anyone?
Eric Patterson #3
on August 6, 2007 at 9:29 pm
Get ready for my entrance, bitches! You’ll be on my bandwagon in no time. And I’ll be humping Gail Fisher in that gaping asshole in no time, too. Mmmmm.
Taylor
on August 6, 2007 at 9:31 pm
Who’s going to pitch next for the Cubs: Dumpster, Eyre, Ohman and Wuertz?
the Hawk
on August 6, 2007 at 9:31 pm
hey, a hit
Your Friendly Beaner
on August 6, 2007 at 9:31 pm
Caballo it is lube for my mower when it break down doing yards in Northbrook all day.
this is just awful. cedeno has no place in this lineup, especially in the 2 hole. i blame him.
6th Place
on August 6, 2007 at 9:51 pm
Here we come. Why any of us root for this f*cking team is a mystery.
Uncle Lutch
on August 6, 2007 at 9:52 pm
This team has been me lately. Call me “Unc” for short.
2007 Cubs
on August 6, 2007 at 9:56 pm
Hope you liked six weeks of false hope. We really, really, really suck.
y2g
on August 6, 2007 at 9:56 pm
When was the last time the Cubs gave up a leadoff walk that didn’t eventually score?
6th Place?
on August 6, 2007 at 9:58 pm
You really think so? You maybe should call a cab home tonight. Give me your keys.
Get A Brain!
on August 6, 2007 at 10:02 pm
1 run against Cy Wandy?
Morans
Matt Murton
on August 6, 2007 at 10:07 pm
Anyone notice that the Cubs stopped really sucking when me and good ole RonCe went to Iowa and starting sucking as soon as we got back?
y2g
on August 6, 2007 at 10:13 pm
Tonight was probably the beginning of another one of those late season runs for the Asstrolls where they’ll win 40 of the next 50 to win the division by a game.
#240
on August 6, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Is BC sporting a fresh name?
y2g
on August 6, 2007 at 10:34 pm
I’m not BC.
Change Needed
on August 6, 2007 at 10:46 pm
Ron Ce and I need to break a fifty for the bus ride back to Iowa, can anyone help us out?
Dick Trickle
on August 6, 2007 at 10:53 pm
Everyone get a grip.
#242
on August 6, 2007 at 10:57 pm
Might as well be
Pie and Soto
on August 7, 2007 at 12:21 am
Hold the ******* phone?! Cedeno and Murton have been up this whole time while we are down in Triple AAA? We just figured they died. No, not just their baseball careers, but like their actual lives.
Your Chicago Cubs
on August 7, 2007 at 7:09 pm
I’m back for more, bitches!
Bases Loaded 0 Outs
on August 7, 2007 at 7:11 pm
The over/under on the Cubs scoring a run here is a generous 0.5.
3 walks
on August 7, 2007 at 7:14 pm
in one inning?
Over 0.5
on August 7, 2007 at 7:16 pm
I’m a winning bet!
Taylor
on August 7, 2007 at 7:17 pm
What are the odds they only score one run?
#250
on August 7, 2007 at 7:18 pm
About 99%.
Jock
on August 7, 2007 at 7:18 pm
After 3 walks and DeRosa fouling off a bunch of pitches I swing at the first one and make an out.
SD
on August 7, 2007 at 7:18 pm
I think I set the right amount for that over/under bet!
Taylor
on August 7, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Had feeling that after DeRosa didn’t get the job done the inning was over.
Oddsmaker
on August 7, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Yep.
E-Pat
on August 7, 2007 at 7:31 pm
A Patterson that doesn’t strike out on a 1-2 pitch?
E-Pat
on August 7, 2007 at 7:31 pm
A Patterson that works a count to get a base hit???
Sheamus Catuli
on August 7, 2007 at 7:48 pm
What a screwy play! give it to Frenchy for covering that ball.
Cubs' dreamy, 2-out offense
on August 7, 2007 at 8:02 pm
WTF have I gone? Remember when most of our runs came from me? What was that, like all of a fucking week ago?
This lineup is a fucking car wreck of Hancockian proportions. Tonight should be fun…er, brutal.
Hey guys. I’m Corey’s little bro and I’m glad to be here. This should be fun for me. At least Felix said it would be. Oh, and he said not to worry about his feelings. He said that he is fine with getting douched on again. Anyways, having me here should be good for the marketing department. I know Corey sold a lot of jerseys. Almost as many as his 2005 batting average, even. He was just short with 214 jerseys sold. I’m proud to be a Cub and have all your support. Now who are these boo birds my bro told me about??
It’s me:
Bon Temps Part Une
RonCe
MVLee
MVE
Red Menace
Versatility Personified
Oxymoran
Taint
I’m a Big Boy Now
Desipio has been around for 10 years, but Andy Dolan only got a home computer last week?
Great line up for the Cubs tonight.
So where exactly does Gail Fischer work? I’m thinkin’ there’s nothing wrong with big bro’s sloppy seconds. Plus, I love a pair of nuts on my chin.
HA! A second baseman that’s worse than me in the field!
Soriano is out 2-4 weeks, but Ronnie is okay going from 1st to 3rd on a single.
Swing at everything A-Ram. Swing at everything.
I was wondering if GameCast was insane during Ramirez’s at-bat. It showed him swinging at a strike 3 that should have hit him in the hip. Apparently, it was having a rare moment of accuracy.
Is anyone warming up in the bullpen yet?
Me and a left field fence that would be at home in a Little League park should be a good match.
Anybody else think I am a stupid gimmick??
I’m the over-under from Rich.
Can someone tell me where the strike zone is?
Can anybody point out home plate for me?
For a second there I thought I would need my diapers changed in the 1st inning, but I’ll be okay for now.
My splits:
Home: 6-2, 1.75 ERA, 66.2 IP, 48 H, 13 R, 56 K, 14 BB
Road: 1-8, 8.16 ERA, 57.1 IP, 77 H, 59 R, 51 K, 22 BB
I hope that Jason Manson was paying attention on his at bat. And that he sees how a catcher can catch a foul pop up behind home plate.
We can hear ourselves in here tonight
I think Pat just said Wade Miller has been released. Woohoo!
I killing me.
So I’m what, 0-23 on pickoffs?
How could they run on me? I’m 0-23 throwing out runners!
Jason Manson can’t throw Carlos Lee out trying to steal second? He couldn’t throw out a guy on crutches.
…now.
And 7-83 on the season. That’s not good.
I think we should give Eric Patterson a Desipio Message Board Award of some sort. We should give him a plaque then photograph him holding said plaque. Then we should post the picture of him holding the plaque on the website.
Jesus Christ on a crutch Kendall couldn’t throw me out.
I’m still available.
Also, we should piss on Jason Kendall’s doorstep. If his wife has planted a row of flowers, we should piss on those as well.
…to explain time zones to Ron. This ought to be entertaining.
How’d he ever throw out 8?
Poll:
Who’s more worthless:
Me
Jason Kendall’s arm
Results out in the 5th
I’m talking about how I told John McDonut that the Cubs booth needs air conditioning sometime before the World Series.
We pulled up lame on the basepaths a la Soriano last night.
Count this as one Yay vote for Jason Kendall’s “arm”.
Yeah. Umm, what the fuck did that mean?
just exploded after a 7 run fifth in STL.
is about to follow suit.
I’m going to try and hit it with my purse next time
Consider the source.
Runner at 3rd and one out. Will he score?
Not if I have anything to say about it
If you ever think you might line out into a doube play, then strike out. Way to go Cedeno. You fuckstick.
Sure, why not?
And the answer is no.
Geeeeeez!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shoulda waited for me Derrek.
Don’t worry, friends, I’ll shut them down.
#49, it is totally within the ream of possibility.
Cedeno and Murton are giving me horrific flashbacks to 2006. I’m in tears over here. Not the good kind.
or he could ream us with a stack of paper.
It’s gonna be okay Slaky.
#50
Hey Steve,
I think you could steal a base on Kendall.
You mean THEE Matt Murton? He’s better than Alfonso Soriano. Somebody tell the MODS! to please censor and ban this offensive poster. I will console myself with mother’s milk and cookies until this has been taken care of.
Slaky,
What 2006 season? It got canceled in April.
I think what Slaky is really trying to do is provoke a conversation about me.
Pat has announced various Cubs fans in attendence. So far I have heard the “Dozers” and the “Boozers”. I’m not making this shit up.
I swing at every freakin’ pitch mang. You just throw eet anywhere I swing.
Riggleton? Wiggleton? I remember him as a Diamondback.
I’m a midwife in the offseason.
I thought Angel would ground into the inning ending DP. Nice work on the fly out Angel.
God, this team is so done. What am I doing here?
What are you doing here, Apex? I’ll wager you’re wearing a Bears cap. That’s what you’re doing.
Way to go Angel, you stupid fuck. BTW, pop quiz, how many outs are there? Oh well, here’s my man Kendall.
Bases loaded and I’m up. Yay?
I’m supposed to swing at the ball with the bat? Now you tell me.
You guys oughta be happy — I just worked out of a bases loaded jam! Oh wait…
The Cubs could hit a home run and not score a run.
It is good to read one of me again
I have no hat or shirt on presently. I need a haircut.
I never realized how much Jason Kendall’s ankle looks like Tyrone Prothro’s.
Apex, you’re scaring me.
The Cubs are on me.
TMI
Same here ‘Pex, except the haircut part. TV’s John Basedow has nothing on these pectoralis muscles. Or should I call them pecs? Or Pex? Pex Pecs? How is it that I feel gheyer after typing this.
A screaming comes across the…nevermind.
I’m over.
ASSFUCK!
gamecast just said two pitches were in the same place in the middle of hte zone, and one was a ball and one was a strike. how horrible was the missed call, anyone watching?
My farmer’s tan teh hott.
Fucking retarded to pitch to Lee in that lineup. Ever. Way to be, Mitch.
Pat was just plugging Carnival Barker McDonough’s newest scheme–the regular schmoes who will vie for a chance to sing the 7th Inning Stretch and, while I was disappointed to see my ex-boss miss the cut, I did see that Vance from NSBB made it.
http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/news/press_releases/press_release.jsp?ymd=20070803&content_id=2127397&vkey=pr_chc&fext=.jsp&c_id=chc
Christ I’m not sure if I would want to see him lose or actually see him win and fall out of the booth or something.
I have no clue out there. I need a t at the end of my name
That was great, way to go Theriot! Oh shit. Here’s Cedeno.
A lead off double by The Riot. Will he sc….never mind.
Vance is from Louisiana? That explains an awful lot.
Well, its a start
Hey he scored! Why have we all reverted immediately back into “Cubs fans” again? Was there a switch that turned off or what? It’s kind of funny actually.
Enough of me and you’ll eventually score, I guess.
The switch for me was backtoback ninth inning ass rapings on Thurs. and Fri. Really pooped in my bornflakes. Big time.
We scored, sweet. Cedeno is still a fuckstick, though.
2nd that, #92. what is he doing on the roster?
The only pooh-pooh’er around is ol’ Cheerios pisser here. I was about to crack a Cheerios pisser joke until he pooped in his crapflakes. Dammit.
Did they just say that Eric Patterson is an aggressive swinger?
Are In.
Center Field Bump: 4%
Jason Kendall’s Arm: 96%
It’s a landslide. Today’s fan poll results are in and Kendall’s arm is exponentially more worthless than the center field bump. The reason: We only gotta deal with the bump 6 times a year. JK is here to stay.
Not surprising that Houston would specialize in me
Well Apex, they crapped themselves ten times worse in that game in Flushing…you know the one. And look where they are now. Tied with the shitty Astros and the Brewers are losing 4-0. Perspective?
Hill has gone 5, yea?
strikeout
I got a strike out! I got a strike out! What? It was of Wendy? Oh well.
Morans
It’s 4-1 now. Fielder just hit a home run. It’s the Tards we have to look out for. Look at how they molested Wells today.
I’m back. The shitter was great.
speaking of HRs, where the hell are they this year for the cubs?
Re: #105
They’re with me, leather.
I beat an old man to first for an out. You may call me Jesse Owens.
Is what the Cubs give poor Dick.
Molesting David Wells….uhhhhoooohhh…yeeeeckkk. Gives me the fucking creeps.
4 career GITP. That isn’t even beginning to mention his SuperVORP.
i’m sorry phil, i don’t get it.
Wait, a starting pitcher can go 6 innings? Really? Since when?
Hard to believe, isn’t it?
What Phil Rogers is trying to say, walsh ol’ buddy:
“I am the leader of the Cubs Home Run Drought Witch Hunt. Join my masses!”
Well, I got an email here… and uhhhhhhh… uhhhhhh… I’ll wait.
Who needs 7 innings from your starter when you have me!
I’m hearing the Astros 7th Inning Stretch through my MLB.TV radio feed and it is atrocious.
Will Ohman, may you please go the way of Wade Miller. Or go drive a fucking beer truck or something…anything else.
Someone should tell Wendy that he’s actually pitching an away game and watch him melt down in the 8th.
Rockies 6-1 in the bottom of the 3rd.
Shame to waste me
Jason Kendell is my bitch. Just watch.
If Lee tries to steal second again. He’ll probably do it safely.
I look like I should be changing your oil at Jiffy Lube.
I should have tagged up. I would have made it doges
It worries me when Dick starts mumbling to himself on the mound.
I can also deliver an unproductive out.
I just said Jason Marquis has been outstanding for the Cubs.
I’m an idiot.
#127
Is Joe Morgan in the Asstroll’s booth tonight?
Astros Color Guy?
Moran
Sorry Taylor. I’m at home sorting baseball cards of myself and recovering from my monthly botox surgery.
Ok you assholes, quit fucking around and score some runs off this slapdick.
Way to go fuckstick! You haven’t fucked anything up yet. You’re the greatest!
how close is union station to wrigley?
I have a small tear in my quad? Did anyone else know this? This is news to me.
I take that back. Fuckstick, you struck out.
cedeno SUCKS
New nickname for Ronny Cedeno.
“Swings and misses” Cedeno.
Fuck this Ump. He has two different strike zone for both teams.
Sup Bitches
Gosh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just homered.
120 pitches, good god
Over the Brewers in the 4th.
Has anyone seen Ronnie? Any advice on where to look? Maybe below me?
Why do 2/3’s of every rotation the Cubs face consist of guys named Cy!?!?!?
Wendy’s hit a season high of strike outs tonight. His next start he’ll give up 10 runs in the first inning.
Marmol to face Raphael Palmeiro.
I’m gonna wind up like Bob Dole.
Am I warming up?
#103,
The molesting of Wells would have been worse but Edmonds sat out tonight.
Kerry, we’re going to stretch you out to 3 innings tonight.
How can you tell when Bob Dole has been having sex? His wife has pen marks on her back.
Good news: Rich Hill may not suck in total. Bad news: the offense sure fucking does.
Why did Lou pull Murton? He could have struck out on 3 pitches too.
You look at the box score for that Milwaukee/Colorado game and see the HRs hit, four guys I’d cream my pants for were they on the Cubs–Braun, Fielder, Holliday, Hawpe. Four really good hitters.
Our hitters? LOLOLOLOL bad………..
that qualls sure has good stuff tonight.
….
Our plane hasn’t landed yet.
That plane’s been circling all year.
Isn’t there anyone on the Cubs that can fucking hit? You need me back. You know you want me back. This should be Bako Time.
Anyone who wants to avoid the low-inside slider, it’s getting late. Nice adjustment by Gerald Perry.
Christ, they’re almost as bad as me.
6 straight strike outs.
Too bad I’m flying the plane
Remember when my bro Richie used to come off the Cubs bench and get big late inning hits? That was teh balls, bro. That Astroturf is so fucking greeeeeeen man……….
This is all Dick’s fault. If he hadn’t given up that home run the Cubs would have a 1 run lead going into the 9th.
I’ll end this game real quick.
I just filled up Howry’s gas can, he’ll do fine here.
Word Life Dawg Brah
Anyone catch Eric’s uniform number?
Do you guys smell something?
Things gettin’ kinda negative up in here.
Web gems time! Two catches behind the plate tonight for Kendall.
This might be the last at bat of the game.
I’d throw him the slider 0-2.
How was that not a strike?
Or not.
anyone?
Get ready for my entrance, bitches! You’ll be on my bandwagon in no time. And I’ll be humping Gail Fisher in that gaping asshole in no time, too. Mmmmm.
Who’s going to pitch next for the Cubs: Dumpster, Eyre, Ohman and Wuertz?
hey, a hit
Caballo it is lube for my mower when it break down doing yards in Northbrook all day.
E-Pat Debut bitches! Get that plaque ready.
I bunt like my brother.
Two balls on him. More than were ever on his brother. On so many levels.
Wow, SLB has a picture in Gamecast already. Someone’s working overtime at MLB tonight.
Intrepid Reader: Korey
3-1. What is that?
I’m all lubed up for you, Eric!
Now that’s just funny.
Wow.
Oh boy! I’ll score this time for sure!
Here comes Cliff “not clutch” Floyd.
Batting .130 hitters in the 2-spot (or something equally stupid) since 1908
I can’t seem to hit any kind of breaking pitch, slider or eephus.
I might get to bat real soon. Find me on ESPN 2
Low slider. Gee. Surprising.
I guess it’s too much to ask for a WP, huh?
Gee I wonder what he was going to throw next.
this is just disgusting.
Great job Cliff. You ought to get that hole in your bat fixed.
I just can’t figure out why I’ve stopped hitting the ball.
Straight ball, I hit it very much, curve ball, bats are afraid
Or cutting in on ESPN Uno incessently
Go fuck yourself.
#200, odds are that the reason is one of me.
This tie game is going to last 1 batter, maybe 2.
Time to rearrange some deck chairs on this sinking ship
Old, useless fuck.
Shit. We have a cripple in right field.
im up with 2 on Yippee
Wuertz goes from an 0-2 count to walk him.
If I throw 6 straight pitches a foot outside, he won’t stop swinging at them, right?
Oh.
i fouled out like punk bitch
Runner on second should be scoring in no time. thanks for the leadoff walk Wuertz. You dick.
With their clutch hitting and reliable bullpen it’s tough to figure out how the Cubs are 1-6 in extra inning games.
One more wild pitch like that oughta do it.
Thanks 212. Thanks Pat. Thanks everyone. I don’t give a fuck what Bonds does.
All we need to make this movie complete is Calvin Shiraldi and 1989
I could imagine Jock turning that fly out to Patterson into an inside the park home run.
At least the guy didn’t steal third.
Me no likey to stop balls in dirt. Me also talk like caveman.
Nah. Runner on second. It wou;da been ruled a double
What the fuck!? Now, I’m getting pissed off. Warn the fucking neighbors.
Disgusting. Lost in the first inning
Choke on it you cockbag
Go Rockies.
shit
why do i bother
The Cubs are me.
I hate this team.
assfucking hell.
Welp, that was worth it.
this is just awful. cedeno has no place in this lineup, especially in the 2 hole. i blame him.
Here we come. Why any of us root for this f*cking team is a mystery.
This team has been me lately. Call me “Unc” for short.
Hope you liked six weeks of false hope. We really, really, really suck.
When was the last time the Cubs gave up a leadoff walk that didn’t eventually score?
You really think so? You maybe should call a cab home tonight. Give me your keys.
1 run against Cy Wandy?
Morans
Anyone notice that the Cubs stopped really sucking when me and good ole RonCe went to Iowa and starting sucking as soon as we got back?
Tonight was probably the beginning of another one of those late season runs for the Asstrolls where they’ll win 40 of the next 50 to win the division by a game.
Is BC sporting a fresh name?
I’m not BC.
Ron Ce and I need to break a fifty for the bus ride back to Iowa, can anyone help us out?
Everyone get a grip.
Might as well be
Hold the ******* phone?! Cedeno and Murton have been up this whole time while we are down in Triple AAA? We just figured they died. No, not just their baseball careers, but like their actual lives.
I’m back for more, bitches!
The over/under on the Cubs scoring a run here is a generous 0.5.
in one inning?
I’m a winning bet!
What are the odds they only score one run?
About 99%.
After 3 walks and DeRosa fouling off a bunch of pitches I swing at the first one and make an out.
I think I set the right amount for that over/under bet!
Had feeling that after DeRosa didn’t get the job done the inning was over.
Yep.
A Patterson that doesn’t strike out on a 1-2 pitch?
A Patterson that works a count to get a base hit???
What a screwy play! give it to Frenchy for covering that ball.
WTF have I gone? Remember when most of our runs came from me? What was that, like all of a fucking week ago?
So, we now have a K-Pat again, but with a tease factor?
There’s not a copy of me in the dugout, is there?
You can’t pin this on me, 261.
BEEP BEEP!
See you in 2008.
#242
What’s your point?
Excuse me I mean’t #244
Fuck it….who cares?