The Sun Times had the Cards as the favorite in tonight’s game. The Sun Times also prints Mariotti’s tripe. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

I just said that Michael Barrett threw his helmet down in order to keep Mercker in the game. I don’t read Desipio … or have common sense, do I?

Has Steve gone on his dissertation about the visibility yet? That never gets old.

By the way, Bulls picks…

#3 Ben Gordon, UConn
#7 Luol Deng, Duke

Chip…you gone.

Third largest media market, and those are our choices? Hawk or Chip? They don’t even have a real fucking name between them.

I should make the All-star team right, Chip and Steve?

FLASH–Rumor, repeat rumor, but I’m just saying….two different emails circulated in the Tribune tower today. The Chipster is OUT!!!

"….the opportunity to take our baseball telecasts in a new direction is compelling…"

"….many have contributed to the overwhelming success of our broadcast group in recent years…."

"….we look forward to a nationwide search…."

Oh man, oh man, oh man……

Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Either way, Chip’s an idiot."

If there’s one issue this nation could agree on, that’s it.

If "He gone", who would be your ideal (and realistic) choice?

Wouldn’t you like to hear my tearful farewell speech?

The world rotates?

I can do it. I almost defected to the Mets before the 2003 season.

But I’m not going anywhere in the middle of the year.

That was close.

Maybe we’ll hit the Trifecta tomorrow:

Chippy, Wendell and Gabor.

Chip taught me to judge the depth of balls hit in the air.

We had Ordonez and the Railsplitter coming up. I took a shot on Womack’s elbow.

Wendall, were you hoping that his arm would break in two? Even my stripper wife could have nailed me on that one. Nailed me. My Dominican wit. Buddy.

It was Korey’s fault. That ball should’ve landed in the stands.

With my Hollywood career winding down, can I be the new Cubs broadcaster? I’d like Kevin Tapani to be my color man.

Must. Kill. Tim Montgomery. Ouch, I pulled something typing this. Medic, my needle please!

…the no hitter.

Is it too much to ask for a Ordonez/Kim collision? It can be my my early Christmas present.

Apparently, my best pitch tonight is my hanging curveball. I’ve already gotten two K’s on it. Fastball, what?

Hi again, Cubs! It’s been awhile.

Add me to the list of worthless pukes to get rid of in the next 24 hours, along with Wendell and Gabor.

Fuck you Rey Ordonez!

I’m going to Houston according to ESPN.com.

Beltran to Houston, Dotel to Oakland, prospects to KC.

This hurts the Cubs in two ways. They play Houston next week with Beltran and the Cardinals play KC six times in the next two weeks without him.

My batting average is under .080; my fielding percentage isn’t so good either.

This says I’m moving to left field.

Rey Ordonez is a fuckface.

Hey, I thought that was "Rick Face".

Andy the Editor, where are you? My kids might see that vulgarity and grow up to be promiscuous, ugly, and gay.

So what, the fourth included a fake Albie Pujols hit by pitch and a Rey Ordonez error?

I think Rey and Gabor need to have a chat about why they are in the big leagues.

Odds that it will be mentioned that Karen Carpenter may be weary from running the bases (and of course not eating) 1 to 5

Four innings of Chip is more than I can handle. Is he really bad tonight or have Pat and Ron spoiled me?
Oh, and is it time to look forward to Ricky Gutierrez yet?

Shortstops by team that might be available:

BOS-Nomahhh
TB-Lugo
CLE-Vizquel
SEA-Aurilla
MON-Cabrera
ATL-Furcal? (don’t know what his contract is)
PIT-J. Wilson
MIL-Counsell
COL-Clayton

Now, I know the Cubs aren’t going to get Nomahhh but I listed him cause he’s a FA after this year. See anyone you’d like?

…in the middle of a 1 year, $3.7 million contract.

Maybe they’ll take Andy Pratt back?

What about meeeeee…..

"This guy’s a smart pitcher!"

…chirp…chirp…

Do you have express written consent to disseminante the accounts and descriptions of this or any Chicago Cubs game?

The Astros traded for me?

"The Royals wound up with three prospects: highly touted third baseman Mark Teahen and right-hander Mike Wood from Oakland, and catcher Joe Buck from the Astros."

If they trade Bako Wendell and Chippy for Nomahh Gagne and Vin, that would work

= The 2004 White Sox

We should have tried that when the bases were loaded.

He rolls it towards ROLen.

Hey, I’m still on the team!

I tuned in again just in time to hear Chip say, "Another shot off the bat of Womack." Only to watch the pop up fall in Sammy’s glove in short right field. Maybe Chippy only has one eye and that’s why his depth perception is so bad.

Maybe that monobrow makes Chippie mono-eyed.

Thanks for taking the heat off me, Rey!

Hendry and Baker need to discuss some moves that need to be made right away. First of all, Baker should fire Wavin Wendell and get off his lazy ass and coach the third base box how it should be coached. Secondly, their should be releases given to Gabor Bako and Rey Gay. After doing that, it should be no problem getting a backup catcher and shortstop that has an ounce better talents than these two put together. Finally, possibly one more quality bullpen pitcher to help us. Baker should do a better job utilizing what he’s got. A good example is using Leicester. He didn’t care if he was facing a righty or a lefty, he just got them out. He also pitched more than just an inning. That’s the kind of effort we need. Not this let’s face one batter and walk him mentality.
You do these things right here and right now, we will go far and far into the playoffs. If you don’t, well, we as Cubs fans have a long and torturous season left. Make it simple Hendry and Baker. Get these things done.

Dusty,
By not starting us, you just presented your team’s death wish to the Red Satanic Fowl. Bako and Patterson can eat a (edited) for all I care. Or they can sit on the bench tonight and play with each other’s (edited).

Andy’s note: For chrissakes, at least be clever about it.

"Good evening everybody, Chicago Cubs baseball in on the air!"

"Let’s get ready for an all you can eat redbird feast!"

"Pat, I could never agree more. By the way, I didn’t eat dinner tonight, could I have some of that redbird please?"

We better have some serious Grud going on tonight!

Jim Edmonds has a groin problem. Dog bite?

Anybody want to take odds on Maddux hitting better than Gabor tonight. You would think that Gabor could eventually outhit a pitcher. Oh, I forgot that Big Play Rey Ordonez can’t even hit better than Gabor. Gabor-Rey connection could be a great duo in some switch-hitting club.

The Cubs could let Bako stand in the lefty’s batter’s box and Ordonez in the right one and combined they’d struggle to get a hit.

Screw you, Stone. I’m having an All-Star season and Adam Wainright’s out for the season. Nitwit.

it took Chip 2 batters to talk about Pujols’ stellar defense

Dreaming of a threesome of me, Albert and Beege

Umpire says to Moises, "Bend over, grab your ankles, and you know the rest."

I was on the DL when the Cubs were in Anaheim.

It would be nice if we could ever get a 1,2,3 inning. I guess God only grants so many miricles a day.

Didn’t Ricky Ricardo used to sing about me?

I’m sharp tonight! Whoo!

Steve said that Albie has struck out 20 times in 245 at bats. Chip said, "That’s old school slugging."

What the hell does that mean? Babe Ruth never struck out?

I’m old school.

Hell, I’m just old.

I just love listening to our announcers fawn over the Cardinals. That never gets old.

I guess that doesn’t exist if you are the Cubs. Once again, God only grants so many miricles.

I guess having Bako back there really does help your pitching. Yeah, it helps you really suck at pitching.

anyone wanna help me out?

Come who’s first in line?

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Bullpen get ready. When Wood gets over his snatch cramps, I believe you’ll have a new face down there. Everybody welcome Greggie! What a new addition! Someone who could come out of the pen and throw strikes.

There goes the no-hitter.

I know Lankford is old, but is it fair that he gets to use this in center?

Excuse me while I tie this up.

Then Gabor can put us ahead.

Craig Biggio’s range in center or Ray Lankford’s?

I can’t believe these two stoggies even made contact. Much less that we actually got a run at that grim part of the order.

At this pace so far, this will be a softball score. Please Greg, I just had a church league game last night. It was a highscoring affair too.

Could you understand me through the cheeseburger?

On NBA TV right now they are showing the 1986 Draft. Perhaps the most hilarious draft of all time.

The Bulls just took Brad Sellers and got booed. John Thompson didn’t think they’d take Johnny Dawkins, he thought that the Bulls would take Pearl Washington.

Pearl Washington!?!

My favorite part of this was right after the Mavericks took Roy Tarpley, Peter Vecsey reported that the Lakers and Dallas had a trade to send James Worthy and Byron Scott to the Mavs for Tarpley and Mark Aguirre. Not only was Vecsey wrong, but he looked like he hadn’t combed his hair in about three weeks.

Great stuff.

Chip, about Ramon: "Renteria got him to ground out the last time up."

Huh? The shorstop got a guy to ground out? Is that legal?

One of the biggest series of the year, and you have three of our hottest hitters on the bench-Barrett, Hollandsworth, and Walker. You sitting these guys is equal to worthless Lassie sitting on the bench on the other side. SAD,SAD,SAD,SAD,SAD,SAD,SAD,SAD

The score is 3-1, right? Chip just said, "Three Cardinals runs in the first and that’s the difference in the game."

Uh…no. The difference is two runs, not three.

Nice sequence, even if Steve made it up.

Maddux gets ahead 0-2 on Pujols. He throws one in the dirt and Pujols demands the ball be thrown out of play. Maddux then throws one under Pujols’ chin. He then gets Albie to ground out weakly to Ramon.

Or did Ramon get him to ground out? Now, I’m confused.

I wish I could catch myself along with pitching. I’m that athletic. Sorry Gabor, not eveyrbody can be unathletic as yourself.

Detroit takes…John Salley!

How can you be 7’0 and athletic and only average 13 points and six boards as a senior at Ga Tech?

Rip and Ben Wallace said no. How long before Eddy Curry’s fat ass and Kirk Hinrich are playing?

The hell with Eddy and Kirk, how long before I get asked to play on the Olympic team?

Give me a call, Larry.

The AFLAC question is how many homers did Ken and Ken Jr. Griffey hit (right? Or is it just how many did Senior hit?) Anyway, Steve guessed that combined the Griffey’s have 600 homers. Chip said that would make them the most prolific father/son combo ever.

Barry Bonds has what 673 homers? Did his dad hit negative 74?

DK 57!

Chip,
Come on over to the hotel. I’ll unload in the hall.

I no let line drive get through, buddy!

Sorry, buddy!

I hate when Chip does his "seven up, seven down for Maddux." That’s wrong. You can say he’s retired the last seven. But it’s been 14 up, nine down. Not seven up, seven down.

Nobody puts baby in the corner, Reggie.

Thanks for baking me, Basher! I’m 1 for my last 10 and have 6 RBI for the month. I need the support.

I don’t know how long I can keep tricking everyone into thinking I’m playing better.

Hey, we love Holly, but if you put him in the outfield between Alou and Sosa, we all quit.

So long as you keep oversliding bases and getting picked off and are unable to throw and swing at high strikes….

We’ll be on your arse.

Since Dusty likes to mess with the lineup, would this have been so bad tonight?

Gruddy, 2b
Maddux, p
Alou, lf
Sosa, rf
E-ramis, 3b
Lee, 1b
Patterson, cf
Martinez, ss
Gabor, c

???

Did you notice that Chip said, "Aramis has had a better year defensively than Rolen. He’s made one fewer error."?

I love E-ramis, but as much as he’s improved this year, he’s still not in the same league with the St. Louis Mongoloid. Sorry.

"Perhaps"?

You have to ask?

Thanks, Chuck. You’re all heart.

Did I just hear Chip call out Mariotti? Wow, who to root for? That’s like the Iran-Iraq war.

"Out of play foul"?

But fielded by Rolen just foul. I thought out of play meant, you know, out of the field of play….

Chip explained the Rolen trade by saying, "The Phillies didn’t want to lose Rolen after the season for nothing." Instead they traded him for nothing. Nice move.

What steve?! You don’t want to talk about the 69! awwww…

Tie Game

Gruddy’s got just enough range.

Apparently.

Who needs a pinch hitter?

Not only will I not block the plate, I can’t catch the ball.

What exactly does Gabor do that keeps him in the big leagues? I’m serious.

He can’t hit, at all. He’s a lousy catcher. What else is there?

Am I gonna have to drop Bako just like I did Lenny Harris to get Dusty to stop playing him.

Hey, Jack McKeon still puts me at leadoff sometimes, just like Dusty did when I sucked for the Cubs. You’d think those managers would learn that I suck ass at hitting, and I’m a fat old guy.

You cut me, Hendry and I’ll come back to haunt you! Muahahahahaha!

Oh, wait. I can’t. I suck.

Izzy’s a shit box.

Just call me Gabor.

Go Cubs!!!

Late inning magic… e-mazing

Bako, I just saved your ass.

Give him credit, Sammy can still scoot.

And he doesn’t need the Rascal.

Take that, beyotch.

Did my "stand still as the ball came out to center" scare anybody else?

OK, the 4 year old’s in bed. Anything happen that I missed?

1-2-3 in St. Louis?

What?

1 2 3 (and my critics said I couldnt count to that)

Wouldn’t you like to know. My bruthah!

Should I get my first walk of the year?

How many Google cliks are needed for a Java chat room that scrolls instead of hiting F5 all the time?

And how about a thermometer to show our progress towards that goal?

"you know Corey I have no idea"

But are the margins as good?

Wow! Did you hear me get so excited about that pop up?

Chuck,
Not even close.

You haven’t mentioned the "Survivor" sex tape?

I think it’s about time for another desipio fundraiser/pass the hat. Though that didn’t work out so well last time … hm, I know! Let’s have a BBQ at Dolan’s!

Man, that popup was high. Yikes.

Remember, the Daily Show follows. Watch me carve up Jack Ryan.

Chicken #1

I couldn’t hit that fastball if you told me it was coming.

Bang, banger.

I just had a Beege flash.

That’s my last hook slide.

Eat your phucken Alpo!

Man bites dog!

Lassie goes down.

Cubs win!

Cubs win!

For about the 5th time this month!!!

Don’t feel bad. We’re better than you are. That’s why we won. And guess what? It’s going to keep happening, and happening, and happening, and happening…

Love,
The Chicago National League Ballclub

Please stay away from me forever.

DK57!! DK57!!

What a game. That’s all I can say.