Pitching Matchup:
Satanic Fowl: Jeff Suppan, 0-0, 0.00 ERA
Cubs: Greggie, 0-0, 0.00 ERA
Lineups
Satanic Fowl (3-0)
The Garden Gnome, ss
Juan Encarceration, rf
Grandpa Pujols, 1b
Lassie, cf
Scott Rolen, 3b
So What?, lf
Gary Bennett, c
Aaron Miles, 2b
Jeff Suppan, p
Cubs (1-1)
Lucky Pierre, cf
Neifi!, 2b
MV Lee, 1b
E-ramis, 3b
Jock, rf
Michael “Chase ’em to the screen” Barrett, c
Matt Murton, lf
Ron(ny) Ce(deno), ss
Greggie, p
BREEEEEVE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brave!
is the an echo echo echo?
I’m excited about all of the peoople who will get a chance to stare at my ass from that new center field skybox. I’ll pucker it just for them!
Ok, let’s get these out of the way:
BRAVE!
FYC!
Got salad?
test
How’s the visibility?
Honesty compels me…
Now, proceed with the Lassie / Grandpa Poo-holes jokes.
For godsakes, isn’t he too old to be called Joey?
I hope that wasn’t an attempt to piss on me, Chuck.
Wayne Messmer Time!
Coach Ray was one of the few people who was just as nice in real life as they appeared to be when they did their job.
See, dudes, I do listen. It took till game 3 to get Neifi! into the starting lineup. Gotta have that veteran leadership on the field, dudes. He’ll rotate to SS tomorrow to give Cedeno an off-day. Gotta rest those young players, dudes.
The older we get, the more I look like Ryne Sandberg! That’s not good if you’re Ryne.
Hey, how come Tom Walker’s not in the lineup?
Scooter! Why don’t you leak it to the Times that Neifi has WMD in his pants!
Way to drop that lollipop in there, Joey.
This shit is cold, why can’t I be back in Florida?
Did I just catch the first pitch?
That’s one more than Barrett will!
I’ll be here (on the bench) all day! Tip your waitress!
I thought that Hank White was starting today?
I thought that Hank White was starting today…
I’m just glad to see the ivory hasn’t grown on the wall yet. That stuff is nasty!
Looks like CT’s a dumbass?
I can’t even wiggle in this shit weather.
Looks like CT’s a dumbass…
Try getting a hit before you criticize, Jock.
Anybody want to buy the nerve the doctors are digging out of my elbow today? Kerry? Mark? Anybody?
Get ready for the pose, bitches!
Today I make my mark!
Actually, I did that earlier. I peed on the ivy.
God, you guys are such pathetic losers.
The weather is very reminiscent of two years ago when Greggie made his return to Wrigley and got lit up by the Pirates. Good times.
Can anybody make me feel better for trading Adam Dunn for Eric Dead Nerve Gagne? Shotgun? Rifle? Anybody?
Hey Paul! How come I’m not on your MySpace friends list? I’m sure you could use one.
“Jock” for Jacque Jones? That’s insulting to the entire Bike Menswear line.
What the heck? You’re not playing “Jump” when the Cubs come out on the field anymore? You dropped us for a freaking BON JOVI song?!?
In another league I waited on a propsed Jason Schmidt for Gagne trade because I wanted to see Gagne pitch once. I guess now I can wait until 2007…maybe. Ugh.
F#$%in’ Todd Wellemeyer. This has to be his doing.
Nice me, D Lee!
Fine play there by Derrek Lee. I think Albert Pujols should win the Gold Glove.
Love the headband Albie is wearing. By the fourth inning he’ll have the matching legwarmers on, too.
This shit is easy! I can do this until I’m 70.
Can I pitch to Lassie? I’d like to start this season off right and drill the fucker in the back. Again.
Len is detailing how many pairs of pants Neifi has on. What’s more disturbing, that Neifi needs four pair of pants on a cold day, or that Len watched him put four pairs of pants on?
I bet even I could muster a .295 OBP.
Click above for my message, female doges!
It’s in the 40s, right? Jeezus, ball players are the biggest pussies on the planet. You’d think it was Ice Station Zebra out there. I saw So Taguchi’s stocking cap and expected to watch Paul Walker have to dig up sled dogs after the first pitch.
I was really hoping that pitch would drill him in the knee.
I work the count like nobody’s bidness.
It’s always fun to ridicule Maddux for being older than Aunt Martha, and his occasional outings when he lapses from “4-Time Cy Young pitcher” to “batting practice tosser,” but it’s still nice to have the gold standard of pitchers on the Cubs.
His better days are behind him, sure, but he treats the game with reverence, doesn’t make an ass of himself, and has the right attitude about his talent (gracious pride).
I don’t care how many times Maddux gets shelled, he’s still the second best pitcher on the staff right now, and I am just full of Man Love for him.
Pitch well today, Greg! Go Cubs!
Does this mean that the Cubs have 3 guys on their bench wearing no pants?
I love April. Love it.
1-0 Cubs.
2006 MVP.
No Suppan for You!
Greg’s too old! They should trade him and use a valuable pitcher, like Brett Tomko!
Going into the top of the 2nd I had just thought to myself, “you know, I probably trust Maddux with a 1-run lead more than any other Cubs pitcher”.
I was then swiftly decapitated by Carlos Zambrano.
Looks like I’m well on my way to another great season where I barely crack 100 RBIs. Thanks a lot DFB.
on this staff with a 1-run lead. Even with all my crazy man-love for Zambrano I can’t do it. Afraid of commitment?
Carlos should leave numeros 45 and 51 alone. Carlos couldn’t be trusted with a cinco run lead.
Another good thing to say — “a former 15-time Gold Glover” after a 1-3.
Who cares about the score. How many empty seats are there?
We OWN this Maddux chump.
What, was Bo Diaz not available?
Oh, that’s right. He’s dead.
Raaaay!!! For the first time, we see Marla Collins without Neifi Perez’s pants on!
3-2, 2 outs. This is where a Cub would get picked off third base.
Call me Cy Young (x4), bitches!
Is that you, coach? Tough break in Colorado.
You motherfuckers better click on an ad today or I will hunt you down and kill you in your fucking sleep.
I’m done. See you tomorrow guys. The Masters are on today.
Do we get paid to endorse Claritin like celebrities would, even though about nine people actually know who we are?
I’m done (just went double double) Greg Maddux is pitching.
I am officially over.
Please?
Still perfect.
Just missed that one. Almost got it all the way to the right fielder!
Dudes, take it easy on my bro Jock. He’s battling a mean itch, yo. And, he’s putting undue pressure on himself. Come back in July when the pennant race will be over for the Cub.
Hey Greg. You can pitch until three. Hootie won’t let USA broadcast it until then.
Give Jock 3 years. I did.
My batting average is dropping faster than the stock market after Black Tuesday.
If you think signing Jock Jones was bad, I’m giving Hendry an extension so he can feel secure enough to sign Tom Brunansky for six years!
Hey look! Murton got to to go to first on a dropped ball four!
You know what they say about the young. We are patient?
That’s why Murton is batting 7th… He’s a basepath-clogger.
Murton walks. That’d been nice in front of D. Lee’s homer.
The way Juan Encarnacion jumped over the puddle in right field, I’m guessing he forgot to water proof his shoes. Or, he’s as femmy as Edmonds, now.
Thanks for the insurance, Ron Ce!
It looks like Murton and Cedeno are the new Daily Double.
It’s a fucking steeplechase out there!
FY Gaius
No F-in way!
Gotta bat the kids low, dudes. To protect them. You know, from at bats and such.
Hey Juan! Let me stand in front of the big glory hole in right for a while. Please?
If Barrett doesn’t straighten up, I know where to reach Butch Wynegar.
Damn. These young kids Murton and Cedeno are gonna keep my veterans on the bench for another game.
Hey! What did I tell you guys? That’s not our gameplan? We score on homers in the first, then not again until the seventh when we’re behind by at least four runs! Cedeno! Get on the bench, you hack! Hey Dusty, can Neifi play second and short at the same time for a while?
What’s the over-under on me having more hits at the end of the day than Jock?
I’m going to explode if Sean Marshall outduels the venerable Sidney Ponson.
I just got an e-mail from the Cubs announcing that they were misquoted when they said Jerome Williams was changing numbers from 32 to 57. That’s pant waist sizes from 32 to 57.
-30-
Hey Bruce Miles, buddy! Can you pass our address along to your brother, Aaron?
ROTFLMAO LOL LOL LOL :-))
ROTFLMAO?!?
Hey Greg…. I atleast sorta hit mine to the outfield. Talk about pop. If the wind wasn’t blowing in that outfielder wouldn’t had to of even moved.
Anybody want to buy a house in Winnetka? I’m a motivated seller. Plus, now that I’m on the DL, I’ve got lots of time to show the place.
6-3 for Suppan? Man this Maddux guy is good.
I like this Maddux kid. He got potential. He just need to lighten up a little.
How can I stay mad at you, ROTFLMAO sandwich? Mwah!
That’s three innings, 34 pitches. Are you bitches watching?
Why are we always white?
How can you set me for a “who will have more” bet?
Why do you think, 101?
Vindication! Neifi got a hit! I am a genius afterall!
I’m so delayed, the plays show up on Desipio before anyone hears it on me.
I’m not white and I’m a maximum effort … chick.
And after the Cubs took a 2-0 lead, Tony LaRussa looked down the bench and saw his All-Star centerfielder naked, sitting on the weighted bat donut air-kissing someone named Donald.
— Excerpt from “Three Cold Ass Days in April” soon to be published by Penguin Books.
Oh God, Neifi will definitely get to 500 AB this year, won’t he?
105 – yeah, but like Ron Santo, you can’t understand what’s going on by relying on us.
Woops. I couldn’t see Miles because the grass is too high.
I know you got some white in ya, Joakim. Don’t even front. PLUS, you’re gangly and have a gap in your teeth. That’s kinda white trashy.
I enjoyed the “maximum effort” two base, run scoring error there by the Garden Gnome.
Better intentionally walk Jock here, he’s only 0-2006.
Looks like the deadbirds are getting pimp slapped. This could be a big — oh, wait, Jacques Jones is up. Nevermind.
Call me Mr. OBP!
Best. Gamecast. Post. Ever.
Freaking Classic. Reveal yourself (not like Lassie) so we can give you a round of applause.
Pancakes for everyone on me tonight
And you guys say Jock won’t take walks.
I was intentionally walked? Huh?
Couldn’t the Cardinals have set up the double play there by striking out Jock and then getting Barrett to ground out to second?
I’m a genius. I just intentionally walked a guy who couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a fuckin boat.
Thank you, Tony.
What happened on the Eckstein error?
How did Barrett just miss me? I was on a freakin’ tee!
Tony knows Jock’s dangerous. Jock comes to play.
So this what 1st base looks like.
Andy – you might be expecting too much if you think Barrett’s going to hit the ball in fair territory. He’s a strikeout victim waitnig to happen.
…I can handle being wrong.
Playing the Cardinals this season might be hard to quit.
Go, Daddy, Go!
See? Dusty knew what he was doing by putting me in the bottom of the lineup.
Though dwarfish in stature, Eckstein, who claims to have deflowered both Olsen Twins (and John Stamos’ hairdo) last fall, was able to dive for Ramirez’s impossibly hard hit smash. Eckstein spun on one knee and threw wide of Aaron Miles allowing a run to score and both Lee and Ramirez to pick up two bases. LaRussa would kick himself later for not playing Encarnacion right behind second base as Our Lady of Fatima had told him so in a dream on the bus ride to the park that morning.
— Excerpt from “Three Cold Ass Days in April”.
Ha! Murton ALWAYS grounds into double plays!
All these guys clogging the bases is driving me crazy. If they hadn’t been there, Murton couldn’t have grounded into a double play! But at least Matty didn’t walk … I would have benched his mother-fuckin ass for that transgression. Word.
Did we leave anybody at the hotel again this year?
Thanks for bringing me into this gamecast, #135.
Walt:
I’m still at the hotel.
Buzz.. you’re all right in my book.
That’s the triple play there. Ronny fielded the roller, bobbled it, got it back, double clutched and then bounced it off the dugout fence. Well done.
Not possible, Darryl. You checked out years ago.
DK 57!
You can check out any time you’d like. But you can never leave.
Honesty compels me to say that looked fair from where I’m sitting!
Andy, it’s better that he gets it all out of his system at once.
Those last two pitches by Greggie were impressive. You never see Grandpujols fooled that badly twice in a row.
Dusty: Ump! Ump! I’m challenging Edmonds’ bat. Look at all that pine tar all over it.
Umpire: Let me see that. (Sniff.) Wow. It’s legal, Dusty.
Dusty: What?
Umpire: That’s not pine tar.
Dusty: Ewww.
Why does it look like I’m always in pain?
Yippee!
Matt Murton for Gold Glove!
He Adam Dunn’d that ball so badly that Juan didn’t think he’d catch it. Then he caught it and fired a rope to Lee for the double play. Impressive. Of sorts.
What’s that about my defense?
I believe I heard local sportswriters say I lacked the arm to play RF. See that throw, Paul Sullivan? Bitch.
Wait, you mean these kids can spend the winter working on stuff, like Murton’s lousy defense, and actually get better? I had no idea.
Bad baserunning? From the Cardinals? Against US? What sort of crazy-a** world is this?
Murton stumbled around on PURPOSE. Dusty’s been working with him on that one.
Huh?
Edmonds flew out to left field. Double play.
The Cubs should play that card more often.
Okay, who had Murton for the first outfield assist of the season?
**Looks at outfield of Murton, Pierre, Jones**
Ok, nevermind.
As a defensive whiz, Juan Encarnacion is no Matt Murton.
I am going to drive Encarnacion craaaaaazy today
Can Maddux be the hitting AND pitching coach? Look at that bat control.
Dude, I taught Murton that DP trick, and they say I don’t teach fundamentals.
Next up on Ronny’s agenda of things to improve, “finding your third base coach when a balls rolls away after you’ve slid into second.”
Nice “slug bunt” by the Greggie, though. Even if a little sprint would have beaten the Generalissimo to the bag.
RBI spots is where I shine! Better back up there in the outfield. Juan’s going yard!
That’s as close as I’ve seen teh Cubs come to a successful squeeze since 1989. I’m serious. That’s sad.
“Grandpujols”
Priceless.
And again, Greggie shows why he is worthy of Man Love. He handles the bat well, moves the runner over, runs out the play.
I declare this year the Year of Greg Maddux Appreciation. Where’s his 3-year contract extension?
Holy crap…..did we just try a suicide squeeze?
I love John Rock.
So the bunt went foul? I’ll single him in. I’m multiversatile.
Two consecutive innings with rallies? Wow…
I doubre crutch on frybarr to reftfierd so Juan can get back to first.
Wheee…..looks who’s at the plate now??
Oops….
it’s nice to see the Cards look like dipshits out on the field. I know it’s still only the 4th inning.
I’m steak sauce
I knew the wind would be blowing in just hard enough to make Neifi’s medium depth fly outs turn into bloop hits. See, I know this platoon stuff pretty good.
Now that is one nice looking all-white bullpen the Cardinals have.
nice one
For me, I can’t decide what the highlight of the White Sox ring ceremony was. Either 500 pound Herm Schneider having to run onto the field, or Damaso Marte’s “Bobby Baccala” train engineer hat.
This defense shit is easy!
A walki? You know I’m just setting them up for the DP ball. Look at the iron curtain that surrounds me?
**Gestures towards the infield with his back to third base**
When I’m good. I’m still gooooood.
What exactly was I a replica of?
…ever. Not that it’s saying a damn whole lot.
When Greggie’s on the mound, we should all be wearing tuxedos. He’s that good.
I kinda ran like a girl.
Am I getting the start tomorrow? Carlos. He need me.
Deliver me to the Maddux residence now, before he screws it up.
Andy, that wasn’t me with the engineer hat. That was mi hermano Timo Perez.
Guess who has a 4pm tee time?
With that ski-mask thing on, Gary Matthews is a dead ringer for Grimace.
Don’t worry, Andy. They all look…hey another hit!
How many pitches have I thrown?
I know it’s only five innings, but it’s safe to say school is in session today.
Five innings already? Another complete game for the pathetic National League.
I’m looking for a Chuck…Gittles? Chuck Gittles? Corey Patterson said you’d have some words of encouragement for me.
Has any Cub outfielder sucked worse than me?
See? Jock doesn’t ALWAYS swing and miss. Sometimes he TAKES third strikes. Take that, board!
No Jock. No. They boo louder if you strike out swinging. Come on. Try it again, next time.
Jock, mang. When the teem gets to Milwaukee, call Dustee on the phone and ask to bat lower. That’s how you do it, buddy. Until then, keep swinging from your ass!
Dear Jacqueshit:
One “T” to many.
You gotta be what, 75 years old to be caught crevice-grabbing on live national TV?
I don’t like leaving men on base. That’s why I teach the guys to end every inning with a double play.
Dear illiterate:
One “o” too few
Scoring streak ended. Anyone know the last time a team scored at least 1 run in every inning in a full 9 inning game?
And to think, I just ordered a whole gross of “Jacque Itch” t-shirts to sell at the games. Oh, well.
I’ll take Rockies against the Cubs and I forget the year for $500, Alex.
Who cares, Chuck, as long as you see me.
Oooh! Time to tell my “you see when guys keep their batting gloves in their pockets it pulls their pockets out” story for the 1,234,567th time this spring!
Can that category name fit on the Jeopardy! screens?
Is it me, or does Ronny never throw the ball from the same release point twice? Jeebus, is Rothschild working with him, too?
Yes. As “Potluck.”
Holy shit. I look older than Pujols. I must be embalmed!
My ‘guess the attendance’ skills are going to thrown off for months.
Hey, Andy – I’m going to steal “Grandpujols” for a photoshop. Just thought I’d let you know.
Wow. We’ve solved Jeff Suppan and Aaron Harang in 5 days. Big week for the Cub hitters.
I think that was another stolen base against Mr. Barrett.
Don’t lump me into that, #214.
Did Pat just say that I am the home plate umpire?
Jock’s saving his hits for when the Cubs need them. Dusty requested him not to waste them this year. He’s only got about 120 in him.
Better check with the Desipio lawyers first. Wait, it’s Friday afternoon? They’re all drunk.
‘Ey yo. You better back down if you know what’s good for you, BC.
Hey, thanks for the material, Kurt!
Well, I’m in to give those new bleachers a thorough check out.
I’m currently hitting .556 – Dusty is ready to slit his wrists
And at seven minutes to the TV coverage start of the Masters, Greg disappears into the clubhouse.
Seriously.
Never mind. He’s back.
Just went down for some cocoa.
Kind like what Edmonds will be doing tonight.
Maddux is worried he hurt his back…it’ll kill his golf game. He’s gonna stay in the game to test it out.
Am I so stupid I keep playing anti Cubs commercials during the home opener?
Ah, I love those 7th inning solo homers.
Yip! Yip! Yip!
Don’t dig in on Sunday, Lassie
No problem, Mike. Now go fuck yourself!
Why, Z? Do I have to hit him? You’re pitching tomorrow, right?
Big Bob! I used to like this guy. Not no more.
Nice pitch, Greggers.
I thought I was supposed to pitch Sunday. My bad
OK, I guess I can’t boo Jones until Sunday now.
How’d you like my act there? Nothing better than turning a routine fly ball into a full out dive. I learned that from you, Lassie. I’ll expect a Gold Glove this year.
Here’s Joey Meyer and his uh…siblings.
Gotta go, Tiger’s hitting Amen corner. And I even set up the save opportunity for you guys in the pen. So you got that going for you, which is nice.
Oh, that’s got to be a hit. Honesty compels me to say that that must have been a bad hop or Albert would have gotten it.
#203 –
Teams who scored runs in 9 Consecutive innings
Reds did it vs the Cubs at Wrigley one fine Saturday.
Might have been 1993.
Gold Glove!! Gold Glove!
And there’s why Pujols is going to win the Gold Glove.
Never.
Matt Murton falls over the place and you guys giggle like little girls talkin bout how cute the puppy dog in left field is. I do it, on the other hand…
Starting shortstop for 2006, beetches!
I am obviously the milkman’s son. Handy Randy, my supposed dad, is making sense. “Why is Perez playing 2nd and batting second today?”
I just bought myself regular playing time until June 1. 3-4 with a Double…beautiful. just beautiful.
I love Neifi. Sigh.
Joey Meyer says he wants to get to the NBA? Does he play point guard? I can always use another one. How’s six years, $72 million sound, Joe?
Before you get on my “dad’s” observation that Ramirez is a “pretty good hitter,” understand that I wouldn’t understand that.
Now, excuse me. Happy Hour is set to begin at Meier’s Tap. I hope to be liquored up enough to cause an accident at Harms and Lake.
Neifi had some reason last year on why he hits better in the cold, anybody remember what it was? Something about waiting on the right pitch so he didn’t hurt his hands or something.
Hey Jock (245). Get a hit and your act will be cuter, too.
Andy and all: for your consideration: http://www.facetious.org/cubnation/granpujols.jpg
Sorry, Isiah. I just signed with the Bulls for that amount. But I hear Paxson will be happy to deal me to you.
What is Dusty doing? You can’t use a reliever more than one inning! Stop the insanity!
Nice. Lassie’s going to love that “walking” stick.
ARF!
I Love Lamp
Yes, that’s a menstrual skidmark on my chin.
Wow. Hey Spezio, if there’s a string hanging out you need to pull on it before you dive in there, big boy.
Why, thanks Glendon! By the way, check out the pictures on Chuck’s site. They depict not me, but your stunt double, Rick Reuschel, pitching.
Ahem!
is the man
Doesn’t Bob know that we’re the masters of thrash metal?
I have awesome baserunning skills, man. Don’t boo me, you racists.
And after all that, Itch still doesn’t have a hit. Yikes…
Wow, Ronny. How’d you do that?!?
I’m finding new ways to stay hitless.
At least I got on base this time.
I am the Dumbass Du Jour
Mr. Jones, you are the shame of French people everywhere, real or imagined.
I’m more like Dumbass du Year
Jock’s testing my blind loyalty.
Who iz zees Jacque Jonez? I do not like heeem.
Cause he likes everclear.
When you’re blind, he’s not so bad
We made our first gay puppy referance of the year. We have to make 200 more to catch up with Lassie
Hey poo-holes,
Got pancakes?
Somebody tell me they just heard Hundley ask, “Does that dog look a little gay to you?” This is why I pay $14.95 a year for MLB radio.
Hey Glendon! You gonna have your celebrity golf tournament again this year?
Glendon: Nope. Too many people died last year.
Pat Hughes: “Albert Pujols gets the first gay puppy reference of 2006.”
I really need to listen to my Gameday Audio more closely. I think Randy Hundley said something about a maltese dog being a gay puppy and Pat Hughes somehow pulled Pujols’ name out of that.
So that’s what an actual bullpen looks like?
W’HOO!
Cubs win!
“Does that dog look a little gay to you Pat?”
You gotta hold on to this feelin’!
Freedom! Freedom!
You have yet to see me reach my full suckage potential
Put me up, bitches!
Somebody who’s math inclined want to calculate Cedeno’s OPS? It was 1.000 coming into this game.
1.400…it’s definitely 1.400. OBP .500 SLG .900. 1.400.
K-Mart sucks
On Sports Center I just declared:
“Jacques Jones making his Wrigley Field debut… I think they’re gonna like him there.”
Jock is so good. Don’t ever think of putting me in!
Where am I?
I did color commentary for the Braves yesterday.
That’s one way to shut me up.