Pitching matchup:
Mets: Victor Zambrano, 2-3, 5.63 ERA
Cubs: The Franchise, 3-1, 3.09 ERA
Lineups:
Mets
Jose Reyes, ss
Kaz Matt Suhey, 2b
Moleface, cf
Clifford Floyd, lf
Mike Piazza, c
Doug Eyechart, 1b
David Wright, 3b
Victor “F@#$ing” Diaz, rf
Not Carlos Zambrano, p
Cubs (14-18)
Corey Patterson, cf
Neifi!, ss
Derrek Lee, 1b
Jeromy Burnitz, rf
Jason Dewboy, lf
The Gremlin, 3b
“Scotty” Hairston, 2b
Hank White!, c
The Franchise, p
Why have I been batting eighth?
My on base average is .353.
Corey’s is .294.
Did I really lose the leadoff job because I only have one RBI? Am I supposed to drive in more batting eighth?
Why have I been batting eighth?
My on base average is .353.
Corey’s is .294.
Did I really lose the leadoff job because I only have one RBI? Am I supposed to drive in more batting eighth?
I think you got demoted for double posting.
1 RBI, though? What a loser! Even Hollandsworth can beat that shit.
How’s the visability?
I’m at 3b today!
I’m also the club’s hottest hitter in the past 7 days — 3 for 6. I narrowly beat out Greggie, who’s 2 for 5.
We gotta get E-ramis a day off so he can be ready for the day off tomorrow.
It’s not me this time. He’s got “back spasms.”
Too much of me gets done when there’s no Dose. And where’s Front Office?
New “Front Office” coming tomorrow! It’s about time somebody asked.
Crap. Does that mean I have to write one tonight?
Aren’t I what fat, out-of-shape people get?
Yes, you are.
Our ratings have increased dramatically since we welcomed the great Chip Caray to our family!
Hey, whatever happened to Karry Ling’s analysis of Chip’s stupid columns for braves.com?
Current Conditions for Chicago:
54 degrees
Cloudy
UV Index: 3 Moderate
Wind: From NNE at 15 mph
Humidity: 89%
Pressure: 30.04 in.
Dew Point: 51°F
Visibility: 8.0 miles
My back hurts too, from carrying this damn team!
It is typical for injury-prone vets to occasionally sit right before a day off, giving them 2 days. Bonds has done that over the years.
It is atypical for the best possible replacement to be a Gremlin.
You ain’t kidding.
Corey Patterson, CF
Neifi Perez, SS
Derrek Lee, 1B
Jeromy Burnitz, RF
Jason Dubois, LF
Jose Macias, 3B
Jerry Hairston Jr., 2B
Henry Blanco, C
Mark Prior, P
Hey Jer,
You want to move up in the order? Fine, you walk and get hit by a pitch a lot. That’s nice. But maybe you should come to bad with something other than a wet-noodle. You’re slugging .337.
I’m feeling a little insecure about being the worst Zambrano in the league. Maybe you guys could refer to me as “The Weedeater” or “The Hedgetrimmer” or something like that.
I’ve also scored just 11 runs. I’m pretty crappy. But batting me 7th in a lineup with both Macias and Hank in it is just mean.
That’s why I just tell ’em my foot is hurting. If they knew my back was hurting again, they’d make me stop drinking on game days!
I’m Carlos’ evil twin! Mwahahahahahahahaha.
Yeah, that 6-7-8 of Macias-Hairston-Blanco ain’t exactly Murderers’ Row.
Sounds like the wind is blowing in and it’s pretty cool at The Friendly Confines today. Good day to pitch.
it’s my time to put up or shut up
How am I?
could someone post the lineup for the metropolitans, so we can start making fun of them, instead of the cubs
Uh..right. Because I’ve really been shit-talking so much lately. My .300+ BA so far doesn’t count for “putting up”?
Honesty compels me to say that I live in Orlando, folks
Oh sorry, .286. Still good for this lineup, though.
I look like a 14 year old with a hormonal imbalance.
What the hell is up with my voice? I kind of sound like I use one of those cancer voicebox things.
You’re from me Jason, that’s why you talk like that.
hey Dewboy, I’m the one hitting .300
the mullet is done, it’s either me or you buddy, don’t screw up
Anyone watching the Leadoff Man understand a word Dusty said besides “Holly” ?
Miss me yet, dudes…buddies…aaagggg, whatever
I think I heard Dusty use one or both of me.
Has Chip written another one of his Braves columns?
I’m gonna look for one right after I eat my weight in pudding.
I liked how Dusty said he hopes he can live with Jason’s strikeouts. It’s true, because Hollandsworth’s were killing us.
Damn, I need some sun. Stat!
Why not, he can live with mine.
Is that supposed to be a goatee on Bob?
Len’s porkchop sideburns are a little too…uh…pointy.
Corey, dude, it’s not if you strike out, it’s when, dude. You always pick good times to whiff, like in the ninth inning of a game we’re trailing by a run, dude.
Is he done “throwing” me, yet?
Prior, your allegiance to that ancient religion has passed its time. Ditch the towel.
Was I pointing for a beer? Or was I telling someone to pay attention? Hmm…
Honesty compels me to say that the “Killer J’s” in at the middle of the Cub’s lineup don’t compare to my beloved “Killer B’s” in Houston.
Ahhh … Beege. Sigh.
Grossman is fat.
Brave!
Don’t I mean BREEVE?
The Cubs charter better have permission to enter me. Or this team is definately gonna finish under .500.
My message shows up more often than I am able to successfully make a post. After 30+ seconds of waiting, opposed to the 15 listed in the message.
“I guarantee Burnitz numbers across the board will be much better than Sosa’s!!”
Dios mio, man.
Liam’n’me..we gonna’..
Yeah, that’s a new one. I’ll look in the code and see if we can’t shoot that cowboy dead.
We are actually a pretty good team.
“He was so hot last night, he wore shorts into the ballpark today.” Sheesh…you gotta be kidding me. The spirit of Chippy shines on.
Did anyone see what I did in front of the camera in the dugout?
Yes, I am the man.
Hey, I’m the REAL franchise
Unfortunately Greg, your franchise is in Atlanta.
What did The Lawnmower do?
24 more.
1-2-3 First Inning.
I’ve HEARD of those.
I only saw Zambrano standing after the fact, as I had my back turned when the commercials ended. Who caught it?
mets he gone in order in the 1st
I high fived Gene Clines, then walked up to the camera and glared at it. Then, I slowly crossed my arms and started slightly nodding my head.
Oh, pssh. If I did that, you would all make fun of me! It’s just not fair, you guys.
Why haven’t I stolen 2nd yet?
Jose be BREEVE!!
Corey, you tried but Neifi doesn’t like that, as he once again swung and popoped out.
thanks for the suggestion
Why am I not batting 6th in this lineup?
You’ll get too tired running the bases.
not with the germlin, hank and hairston batting behind me
Sit down you piece of shit!!!!!!
I assumed that you would steal both 2nd and 3rd.
I suck.
I appear tight today, Jerry, we did not need that.
This looks like a KW inning for Prior.
We have finally received suggested changes to allow both e-mails and images to return to the comments. Just got them this afternoon. We’ll have to wait until after the game though to make them work, because they’ll make the site inoperable for a while, and then you’d all have to work.
There is something to think about with the e-mail though. The reason the programmer made it so it doesn’t display is that SPAM “bots” (not FEMbots) can pick up e-mail addresses from the comments. So if you use your real e-mail address, you could be asking to be deluged with lots of online poker e-mail. But we’ll add a warning.
Anyway, if the changes both work, we’ll be full of Eliza Dushku and jerryhairston@isuck.com, in time for the first Cubs-Pirates 11:35 a.m. GameCast next Wednesday.
Hurry back, Todd Walker.
Say what you will about the Sammy trade. It was good to get rid of him. But having to take this stiff Hairston in return was a bad deal. This botched DP not only cost the Cubs two outs, but it looks like it pissed off Prior and caused him to walk Eyechart. Last week in Milwaukee, and now in Chciago. Hairston sucks.
Bases loaded nobody out?
I’ll just K my way out of this. I love doing this in the second inning.
Jerry the Lesser may suck, but I make sure to call him “Harris-ton.”
Three runs? Yeah, like our offense is going to match that.
Those two runs are on you Jerry, you phuck.
Nice play, Burnitz, buddy! I would have caught that! But my foot is hurt real bad. I have to lay here watching Mexican soap operas on Telemundo all day!
I have 3 SB’s against the Sux so far. It’s the 4th inning.
Thus endeth the winning streak.
Hey Dave B! Shut up! I make an error at work and three runs score. You make one at work and a child molester gets shivved!
I have no idea what my point is. I just hope Bob called me Scott when I made that error, maybe people won’t realize it’s me.
Why do I get the feeling that Victor Diaz will continue to torment us for the next decade?
Uh, Tony. We’re playing the Mariners.
I know how to make Victor Diaz stop hitting.
I’ll trade for him.
Uh Tony, you’re not playing the Sox of either color. And even if you were, who here gives a shit?
Because I can’t hit against anyone else.
That worked great when Ed Lynch traded for me.
He failed to consider that the reason I killed the Cubs is because their pitching sucked.
Well at this rate I’ll last 4 whole innings.
i make this team worse when i bat & when i hit
i’m a total oxygen consuming moron
Hey Blauser, I signed you as a free agent, doofus.
Thanks, Victor! Otherwise I would’ve just struck out.
Notice when we have a tight strike zone it always help the Cubs opponents?
test
HWFC
Over a long season, everything evens out, that one is for all my line drives that didn’t find holes.
You can’t blame Carlos for not diving after that Hank White smash. He’s got a wife and kids at home to think of.
A balk is not a ground rule!
That would have been a hit anyway, Hank.
I heard Zambrano is beaning people again.
He’s out of control.
Where’s Dave B. to give me credit for good baserunning on Hank’s “single?”
The leafblower clearly feared my speed on the basepaths.
I should be batting before those two losers in front of me! The only way Jerry gets on base is if the ball drills him.
F@#$ing Speier! He should have sent Hank home from second on that wild pitch. Does he not know Hank’s speed?
My plan is to pitch around Prior to get to Korey.
Yes, Jerry, give yourself a round of applause. Now you’ve scored 12 whole runs in just 28 games!
Where is home plate? Anybody seen it? I’ll just throw the ball over here.
With these jagoffs batting behind me, does it surprise you?
I’ll take it.
I’m crawling back to the Blanco Line .100
You were wise to drop the ball, Mikey. I’d have plowed you like an Indiana corn field.
I refuse to win this game. If the Cubs wont hit or take a walk.. i say F*ck you Joboo.. I do it myself….
Wheels, baby. I got wheels!
3-2 Cubs.
Oh, and I just blew out both Achilles’. See you in 2009!
Prior’s going to get tired from walking the bases…
Shows how much I know. I thought it was 3-0 Mets. See, when you’re a dope, you are often surprised and sometimes pleasantly.
I’ve been spotted in the Cubs dugout
This rally is all me. VZ was nervous about having to face me, and accidently hit Hairston as a result. Then he was terrified of my blazing speed on the basepaths to concentrate on the next couple batters. You’re welcome!
Yeah, that’s right.
Hey hey! I just yelled that for no apparent reason.
Hey, I’ve been on the job long enough to be made fun of without it sounding like we just hate every announcer, right? I mean, most of you like me, but I’m not above being ripped to shreds on occasion, right?
…Have returned to being the Mets, at least for today.
I can stop this rally!
I am so bad!
We would like to report an idiot in our section. Please throw him out before we kick his ass.
Only if Len wears me on the air will he be immune from criticism.
I got traded for this douchnozzle?
Hey, Hairston, I’M one of the “jagoffs” behind you! I’ll kick your ass, you midget.
Please come defend me now.
UUGGHHH!!! I will make Prior EARN this W.
Met Lead? He Gone
Thanks to Hairston, I will be lucky to go 4 1/3.
The reason prior and hairston have no control is called the weather.
Thanks to me, you’ll be lucky to get that far.
We’re bad.
I will help out Prior, too.
Hairston is the one responsible for all of our pitcher’s arms falling off!!!!
he is the reason they have to make 20 more pitches per inning!!!!
Wow, I didn’t drop that one, or nothin’!
Watch me hold onto ball, The Troy
The quieter you remain, the more you duck your blame for this nightmare of a pitching staff never getting better.
I am pretty cool.
OHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOO! looks like another 1 run game.
I must run and hide!!!!!!!!
sit down, bitches!
The walks are all Barrett’s fault, if he knew anything about calling pitches…
I’m on the bench today with ARAM watching an awesomely horrid lineup
If we swing at the first pitch each time, this bad pitcher stays in the game longer.
We are swinging early because this pitcher deceptively clogs up the bases.
Yeah, I know.
Boy did Prior need ME.
After reading Phil Rogers’ “column” the other day I began to wonder, does he still pick Konerko over me at first base for the all city team?
Screw both Patterson AND Hairston — I should leadoff!
Damn it, Mr White. Swing like a bird.
Maybe Hendry will become the new Kenny Williams. A sucker for a bad trade.
Yeah, you tell em Billy.
That’s more like it.
I am the optimal OBP for a lead off Man.
So .480 would be no good?
I like the 3-D “baserunners” on Gameday Mini. It’s like Monopoly, only different.
Anything above .479 clogs the bases, CT, dude.
where am I?
Don’t mean tobe a rat, but La Troy is somewhere near me, hiding
Waaait a minute… Our infield is Macias, Neifi, Hairston, Lee? Oh God, I think I just had a little mini-stroke. No, wait, it was just the d.t.’s. Wait, no, it’s a stroke.
If this game is won, seal it in the time capsule as a first instance of the Cubs fielding 4.5 players against 9 Mets.
I’m the tiny version of MLB.com’s GameDay. When you have GameDay open there’s a link in the upper left corner to turn it into the “mini” version of GameDay.
I’m making the most out of my start today
I am proof that the only people who care about what’s between the coasts, are those who live there. Yeah, Angels-O’s…big rivalry.
The 4.5 Cubs are:
Lee (1.5)
Prior (1.5)
Burnitz (1)
DuBois (0.25)
Patterson (0.25)
you’re doing fine Dude-ois….just don’t clog the bases
Newsbreak: nobody cares about the baseball world outside of Yankees-Red Sox. After the break, half hour coverage of possible Giambi demotion to minor leagues and George Steinbrener considers buying all the horses in cuba
Each of my exclamation points should count for a full ballplayer
Something’s wrong with your math…I’m worth -14.0 players
The Cubs are gonna blow me.
Monopoly is like scrabble… only different.
no. We just suck
We’re defensive gurus. Bow before us!
What’s David Wright’s pitch count? We gotta get him outta there.
That Sosa was some kinda fielder! Went into the ivy catching balls all the time, great cathes down the line, and a strong arm that kept the runners from advancing. Oh, that was on playstation?
I sure am a dufus.
There’s a warning to watch out for me. Cover your asses, or I will destroy you.
I’m at 98 pitches after 6, and i would have been at 70 pitches and with a 3 run lead at this point if it wasn’t for the lesser
Thunder Storm was my nickname in LA!
I am the white Latroy Hawkins…I was screwed Clement out of being 5-0.
Mr. White better get on, or Dusty will destroy me
Madre de dios!
Prior’s pitch count is 98. I’m already having stomach pain thinking about the next three innings. Even if Prior gets through the seventh, the Wahabists will be standing in line to martyr themselves on the mound for the last two frames.
Sorry Theo, you boy genius… it’s hard to catch lightning in a bottle twice.
When hank plays is like having two pitchers batting in the lineup
All we throw is gas. Of course, it is always directly pointed at fire
I’m mean with the lumber, i’m a man-machine behind the dish, and I’m intimidating with my Hispanic bank-robber look. Where’s Sergio? We’re the North Side thugs in Chicago.
I own you.
Cub Killers All:
C – Victor Diaz
1B – Lyle Overbay
2B – Rob Mackoviak
SS – Edgar Renteria
3B – Scott Rolen
LF – Carlos Lee
CF – Carlos Beltran
RF – Brian Giles
P – Anybody
I used to be a North Side Thug
are we related?
We will rally the team with a Let’s Go Cubbies chant, no matter what’s going on down on the field. Yay, kids!
Big Bank Hank!!!
MVP
I will EAT your carcass after I gun you down!
You can catch me on FOX news after the stretch…Where’s Forrest?
Hendry please trade for me. I just gave up a two run homer for the second day in row to lose the game. Please trade for me.
Sontine I trow da ball good, sontine I don…
Dusty Baker tells me a pitcher is not a man, unless he goes for 125 pitches. Prior, don’t be a pansy. Be a man. Be like Woody.
clap.clap.clapclapclap.
Cue Colon Blow ad:
Aren’t you all excited to see how your new closer will do?
We love you Lt. Dan
There will be lots of cubs fans on me for the rest of this game, unless the cubs score a couple this half inning.
Yes Ryan, especially after the last time you tried to close out a game against the Mets.
Yeah, sure…new closer…great…well, good luck with all that…
I’m an embarrasment. Go troops! I played one in a movie, so that makes me one, right? I’m a better American than all of you.
Grieve, I expect you in my office after the game
When do the fucken pictures start to work?
I blew another save today! Still want me?
From above:
We have finally received suggested changes to allow both e-mails and images to return to the comments. Just got them this afternoon. We’ll have to wait until after the game though to make them work, because they’ll make the site inoperable for a while, and then you’d all have to work.
There is something to think about with the e-mail though. The reason the programmer made it so it doesn’t display is that SPAM “bots†(not FEMbots) can pick up e-mail addresses from the comments. So if you use your real e-mail address, you could be asking to be deluged with lots of online poker e-mail. But we’ll add a warning.
Anyway, if the changes both work, we’ll be full of Eliza Dushku and jerryhairston@isuck.com, in time for the first Cubs-Pirates 11:35 a.m. GameCast next Wednesday.
Yeah, geez, Jim Hendry, what an idiot. Just think he could’ve had Octavio Mussaoui or Troy Musab Persowqawi or even Armando bin Laden and all it would’ve cost him were some of the Cubs top prospects or a rich long-term contract similar to Latroy Hussein’s. Any one of them would be willing to blow themselves up for the almighty right now and save us from the current crew of insurgents.
You have to believe it’s Hendry’s fault that Fox and Borowski got hurt. It’s probably his fault that Benitez and Percival are hurt too. This is all his doing, this travesty of a season. He should be fired. Dave Phillips is just sitting there in the ESPN booth doing nothing, itching to turn this franchise around like he did the Mets. Oh, wait.
Maybe I should pinch run and then come in for the Lesser or the Gremlin
I did pitch a scoreless inning for the Iowa Cubs today, for whatever that’s worth.
Allah U Akbar!!!
Please put liners on us if you hire Dave Philips, OK?
Yeah Joe, you even hit 87 on me with good regularity.
our pitching staff is ace on these ones
Wow. Sweaty Joe throws smoke
If Borowski really pitched today, that makes two days in a row.
Which means his rehab should be just about complete.
Which means that he’ll be able to get here just in the nick of time after Dump Truck blows the save today.
I think you guys are looking for Steve Phillips.
ohman. OHHHH, Man.
ooooooooooooooooooooooh man………..NOT HIM!!!!!
I am a stud!
Y’all stank!
Anybody care to drop an “FYC” onto Chuck, seeing as his cure-all elixir that would have cost the Cubs the GNP of a small, Eastern European country, Carlos Beltran, just popped out in the 8th inning against the immortal Will Ohman?
Anyone?
Did I mention I make $15 million dollars for each home run I hit in the playoffs
ok..I’ll go first…..FYC
It’s like 90 degrees in Southern Indiana. Looking at you guys in jackets and gloves I’m actually jealous right now.
For Closer!!!
My car bomb is in the shop.
There’s no way I paid you that much, Moleman.
You MUST bow down to Will Ohman… Will Ohman is the MAN… He got three outs coming from the Cubs’ bullpen. This is a rare event in the history of mankind.
Also, it was nice to see Len Kasper knew the importance of a guy having two strikes on him with two outs in the eighth inning of a one-run game. Because all he did was ask Bob Brenly about Brenly’s daughter leaving college, when he could have asked Brenly about what pitch Ohman might throw or what Floyd would be looking for or what move Dusty might make if Ohman gave up a hit or walk… You know, saying something about the GAME… This other crap should be relegated to before the sixth inning of the game…
Only 3 more outs and I can blow this game wide open in the 9th.
Yeah. Our countryman never make out against mediocre pitcher.
Go shove borscht up your ass.
I need a good terrorist nickname.
We must burn and destroy troy
it’s been a long time since the cubs had one of me
Hey Cub fans–
Remember when i was traded for Abe Froman? Looks like I wasn’t a fictional person after all, because I hit a homerun today.
Sorry, BC.
Didn’t know I was preventing you from concentrating.
Ryman Al-Dempsterwahiri
I just went 0-4. Dusty wont play me again until after the All Star break.
I resemble that remark
“Intrepid Reader: 2 game winning streak
May 11th, 2005 at 3:45 pm
it’s been a long time since the cubs had one of me ”
Don’t worry, I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen.
The reporters keep saying how I have the mentality to close. I’m so happy they’ve never mentioned my career whip of 5.71, or my career era of 5.00.
Roberto Hernandez lives apparently. He’s lost weight and is throwing darts out there. I wish he were a Cub.
Dun dun dun dun DUN dun!
Roberto Hernandez only throws me.
Just in time, man! Thank you. ALLAH U AKBAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryan is also dyslexic. His career whip is 1.57.
Come on out, bring your friends… its crowded but there is still some room.
Did Ohman really look closer-esque? He’s available in my NL-only league, and I need saves… Could he supplant Dempster at some point, or is too soon to say???
Seriously….?
I’ve allowed 63 baserunners in 34.2 innings. Praise Allah!
I had a good inning. Declaring me “closer-esque”, though, is rather premature.
THE DUMPSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At least let me blow a save before writing my obituary
ALLAH U AKBAR?
Does that mean, “It’s a trap”?
I own one more world series winning baseball from the last 80 years than the boston red sox, chicago white sox, and the chicago cubs combined
I thought my 1000 career ip with a 5+ era was good enough to write my own obituary.
Nobody’s writing your obituary, Ryan. We don’t even know what the hell’s going on. Hey, where’s whatshisname, the tall black guy so we can all slur “booooooo”?
Just wouldn’t be a Dumpster appearance without him issuing a walk now, would it?
Dempster and his 23 BBs vs. Korey.
By that logic, I am a good closer
Guess who, Cub fans?
Mike, let’s hope he doesn’t walk 2 guys in front of Victor Diaz.
Well, I guess a no-d is better than a loss.
Please let Dempster save this…otherwise I ruined a great outing by Prior singlehandedly.
Allah U Akbar means the Baseball Gods are GRRRRREAT!!!
Jerry the Lesser, No matter what, I have my methaphorical eyes on you.
Gee, that was a surprise.
I demand to be traded.
I also demand Larry Rothsfuckjob get canned.
Dumpster is about to hear a lot of me.
See, it’s not easy bitches
I’ll be closing games in the nation’s capital this weekend, Cub fans.
Yeah, Mark, I had a lot to do with Jerry Hairston booting a couple balls, and us having to find a closer out of a bunch of shit.
Why? What’d I do?
Did somebody say “easy bitches?”
Dear Cubs,
You guys can’t figure out a way to get me, can you?
Sincerely,
The 27th Out
I don’t understand why guys who have been in the majors 10 years, like Holly and Dempster, who continually underperform, keep doing it in Chicago when I hand them key roles.
I’m the best hitter due up this inning! Wheeee!
Is that us out there?
Maybe I’ll come back next week all 2003 form, and everything will be great!
Cross your fingers.
NOW do you see the value in coaxing a walk, you dumb fucking mongoloid?
Dempster just called the press box to complain about Kasper complementing Brenly’s daughter for graduating from college.
How much do you want to bet Dusty won’t test my arm on a straight steal?
Like a lot of Cub fans, you’ve gotten amnesia.
You had a better 2002 than 2003. Collectively, they were both solid, but you weren’t exactly a one-year wonder. Now get your fat ass to D.C. ASAP!
Here it comes bitches. I got the green light. See you Friday.
The capper on my whale of a game (Chippy-style) would be to get doubled off or caught stealing here. I’ll try to avoid both, but I make no promises.
By the way, what the hell? Are they afraid to pitch to HANK? The Mets may just blow this yet.
Dear Cubs fans,
You’re Welcome.
My best,
Mike DeJean
Can you blame DeJean for wanting no part of a Hank White bunt? Better to walk him and try to pick him off first.
I didn’t just give that bunt away did I?
Bet you Cub fans didn’t know I could change uniforms so quickly!
Jeezus, I can’t do anything right.
do I bunt? do I know how to?
Just go streaking again, Ryan! I keep trying to keep that myth alive no matter how often you try to debunk it!
Hey, have any doughnuts in the clubhouse? Can I have one?
Not really often you see a bunt that could have qualified for an infield fly. Todd is just aces!
I’m a complete player. A complete POS.
F’n brilliant. Bunt in front of Korey? He’d strike out only to see Neifi hit a sac fly deep ball that goes for out three.
I never should have left my last gig as the lead singer of Styx.
Dusty, nothing like putting players in position to succeed. When do you think the last time Hollandsworth laid down a bunt successfully?
Just send Maddux up there and the Cubs have the bases loaded, 1 out, and Neifi! ready to win the game.
Can I possibly be good for producing another chorus of FYCs?
Pretty sure that you’d have seen Corey walked to load them up for Neifi.
I used to have a Dae-Sung Koo. What a lemon. You get what you pay for, I guess.
Now that he’s facing a lefty, I’m sure Corey’s glad that Dusty’s made a habit of benching him against them so far this year.
I told Koo to throw Corey shin high fastballs, that’s his weakness, as I showed last night.
Paul,
Please stop calling us.
Thanks.
Korey’d do the Harry Chiti on the intentional pass.
Who’s in, Ronnie Woo Woo?
Now that’s a real FYC.
where’s ARAM?
where’s Barrett?
Am I pitching now? Who am I?
Shin or chin. I know chin-chin means penis in japanese.
The Cubs don’t have to be good. There opponents just have to be a little more bad. Now Corey, hit the ball to the outfield and its juice boxes and Blizzards for everyone on the busride home.
I’m on my yacht counting my money. I’m pretty sure Barrett is sleeping in the clubhouse.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
OK, got it.
I feel one coming
Who needs E-ramis or Barrett when you’ve got me?
I wanted ARAM and Barrett for Mullet & Cpat
What kind of name is Heath anyway?
Or maybe I will hit into that DP?
Now who’s gonna pitch?
All a part of my master plan, bitches.
Ron Santo: “I don’t believe it.”
Did they remove 60 years of your memory, too, Ron?
Sweet fancy Moises.
I shall not hit into a double play or pop up or strikeout.
…wait, what was that again?
We been called to 1060 w addison, somthing about clutch problems.
Ooh, now I can get a blown save and a loss in different innings!
Cubs are sucking me now…big time
Nice job, Neifi.
Every time I dial the 9 and the 1, Shalit interrupts me calling to get his hair back.
That is us out there!
FYJustWondering
Because Santo deserves to be permanently silenced.
If they thought LaTroy was bad…watch this…first I blow the save, then I lose the game.
Can i come back into the game? I thought i helped the Cubs out enough but apparently the only way the Cubs are going to score is if i balk them home.
ouch! Can I go home yet?
DLEE,
Please Cover our Collective asses
Hi there.
Love it!
Derrek Lee for Pope.
MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP!
Thank You!
Take that Alex Cora. An 11 pitch at bat that ends with a game-winning homer.
Please drive safely, and can Jerry Hairston Sr. please pick up his son? He was wandering around the Cubs dugout.
We wanna have Lee’s baby!!!!
Un friggin’-believable this Derrick Lee.
Un-friggin’-believable. I am without speech.
I knew it was gone when I HEARD it on the radio, even with the wind–especially considering all the pitches he fouled off.
Dempster still blows and Regular Joe’s gotta be back damn quick.
All a part of my master plan, bitches.
But imagine Hee Seop Choi in middle relief for the Cubs…
I blew that one on purpose. I deserved a couple of wins for my starts and now I got it, bitches!
What happened to that “Good Trade Graphic?”
Muts,
All you are my Bitches
So, is this the long-awaited turnaround starting game, or is it just another example that Derrek Lee is just having an Andre Dawson in 1987-like campaign at this moment?
no cub starting pitcher will win more than 8 games, relievers will have more wins than starters
BC:
Don’t you have to take a nap or something?
Hey Mitre,
I hoped you saved that bus transfer.
Of course, I ain’t taking a bus anyhwere. I’m Joe Freaking Borowski. My ass is flying to Dulles Airport tomorrow, and I’ll thank Ryan Dempster for making Dusty’s decision to re-insert me into the closer’s rule–due to the fact that my balls are bigger than Hawk’s, Leicester’s, Dumpsters combined–much, much, easier.
Hey I pulled a Farnsworth,
A Blown Save and a Win.
I am a golden god.
Can I please be given to Derrek Lee? I’m SOOOOOO sick and tired of belonging to talentless assholes like Ken Harrelson and LaTroy Hawkins…
Mike:
Whatthefuck do you think Joe is? Rollie Fingers?
Whythefuck is everyone so anxious to see Borowski? He’s Chad Fox.
Hell, he’s the kid from Rookie of the Year that had a magic arm for 6 months.
you got away, but I’ll get you next time….MUAHAHAHAHAHA
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I’m good.
I forgot how I felt
Damn, I got to start going nine.
Hey, Borowski had two good years, which is more than I can say for Dempster. Also, Joe throws strikes. Even with his arm half off, he saved 9 of 11 last year. That’s better than any of the hacks we’ve got now.
Is that…yes, it is! Derrek, you’ve got my mojo!
I was wondering where I’d left it, but…ah, what the hell. Basketball season’s over anyways – I’ll let you borrow it!
You no lose with me!
test
Allah U Akbar!!!!
Wow, this is fun.
test
test
test
Chuck:
Sigh. For the last time–if 2003 was a fluke, what was 2002?
These are Borowski’s numbers for the two years combined–you know, before he blew out his elbow:
G IP H BB K ERA WHIP
141 164 137 48 163 2.69 1.13
That BB/K ratio is just sick and lily-livered hockey puck Dumpster can only dream about having the stones to challenge hitters like that.
Not to mention capping off this much-more-than-a-6-month-spurt by closing the door in the NLDS, becoming the first Cub pitcher since Orville Overall in 1908 to finish off a victorious Cub postseason series.
Or shall we consider you’re oh-so-precient clamoring for Jim Hendry to have signed someone in the offseason, like Percival? Or Benitez? Or your present bleating about trading for Dotel, the one guy who a blew a save today more spectacularly than Dempster?
Closers don’t grow on trees, Chucky-boy. You’d think after all the resources the Cubs have wasted through the years with Dave Smith, Mel Rojas, Alfonseca, and Hawkins (who was signed to big bucks with closer incentives) that you’d finally get this point pounded through your thick skull.
When healthy, Borowski has always been able to perform for the Cubs. The fact that his cajones are one of the intangibles that get overlooked by Mortgage-Bankers-Turned-Fantasy-GM’s shouldn’t count against him. So he doesn’t throw 95. So he’s chubby. So he sweats a lot.
He’s also the best option we have and I, for one, can hardly wait for his return.
CT:
I’m more afraid that Sweaty Joe has a heavy dose of Shingo in him.
I blew another save today. Check out my gaudy numbers! Aren’t you glad you didn’t trade for me?
I forgot about Kolb. Another over-hyped closer.
Of course, over-hyped closer has grown to be redundant.
Gimme Borowski. Unless we’re talking Bill Wagner or Rivera or the other 2 or 3 guys in their class, these other chumps will do nothing that Hawkins and Dempster haven’t done.
On the subject of Joe Borowski: You know, when Sweaty Joe was here, I remember how tense and unsure I felt during some of those saves…like when he’d load up the bases…and get to a 3-0 count on the next batter with one out…
I didn’t know what tense was.
Sweaty Joe had a knack for getting himself into some nasty situations, but he also had an equal knack for getting himself OUT of them…something that the bullpen would seriously benefit from.
Honestly, I think that if he comes back and pitches well, our entire bullpen gets a lift. Knowing that they have a real, honest-to-god stopper to back them up might be just what LaTrine needs – we all know he can be a dominant setup man. We might be able to keep Dumpster in the Bullpen as a multi-inning guy…frankly, that’s the role I like him in best. It looks like Greybeard is showing some signs of life lately, Ohman could be a good reliever (plus he’s another guy that can go more than one inning)…
Honestly, I think that if Borowski steps in and does well, 88mph be damned (Hawkins throws what? 98? And that helps him how? Maddux, on the other hand, throws what? I thought so.) then it helps more than just the 9th inning. Of course, that also assumes that all of the gross misuse of Hawkins hasn’t shaken his confidence so badly that he can’t recover…something I’m not actually sure of.
I never throw much over 90 MPH…
And Borowski only allowed 72 baserunners in 68 1/3 IP in 2003. Methinks you’re remembering the dramatic exceptions, not the rule. With that ratio, he would have had many routine saves–especially if he had a handful of others where he loaded the bases.
And Chuck, you may not like him, but I’d take Shingo in a heartbeat. He’s had a few tough outings this year, but he’s still only got one blown save out of 9 opportunities, 12 Ks in 9 innings, and a couple of bad outings. His pitches move like he has some kind of mutant superpower.
Yeah, Trev, but the rickety, scary rides are the ones you remember.
I do realize that it was the exception, rather than the rule, but it was the exceptions that really drove in what kind of guy he was – basically, the tighter the situation, the more Borowski was clutch.
Hey guys!
I heard sweaty Joe was comming back so I figured I’d tag along with him..
You don’t mind do you?
Heroh! I come to terr yoo that Americarn Reague figure me out now.
Arigato Gozaimas!
…well…technically…there’s at least ONE American League team that hasn’t figured out Shingo…
Us…
How’s the visibility?
I’m OK. Seeing my girlfriend barometric pressure dump me for the pollen index was a blow, but my mind is clearing, hopefully it will be blue skies ahead
Fuck me hard
Come on, Dolan. Where’s the Dose about how fuck yeah awesome I am?
A thunderous hello from hotlanta, folks
Why haven’t I been updated like I supposedly was supposed have been to by now?
The following jokes are way old, super-tired, and overplayed:
 Steve Stone’s visibility rants
 Moises Alou’s hand peeing
 Chip Caray’s imaginary family
 References to the sexual antics of Craig Biggio
 Kent Mercker’s exploding brain
 Chip Caray checking in from Atlanta
 Shoutouts to Kyle Farnsworth’s bitches
All of the above should cease, as it’s last year’s material. Get something fresh, or call Doc Brown for a trip in the time machine to June, 2004. The first 50 times were funny. The more recent 2,351 mentions could be left for hacks like Chuck or B.C. Or something.
I’m going to argue that numbers three and four on that list will never get old. They’re comedy gold.
Meh. They are too obvious now. Yeah, the idea of Chip having a fantasy family is funny, but like the name “The B-Sharps” in The Simpsons, it is less funny the more it is used. Chip is such a putz and DJ-voiced tool, but he’s yesterday’s news, dig? It’s like making jokes about Dan Quayle. Boy, is that guy stupid! Haw!
And the Biggio joke is just played out because Chip is no longer here. It’s a weird obsession for some to keep yesteryear’s comedy gold shining. I’m all for a nostalgic chuckle, but the 2351st uttering turns it into an eye-roll.
How about jokes about the dog-eating, karaoke singer that you traded for Derrek Lee?
But, I love the Beege too, doesn’t that count for anything?
Hey folks,
Because I just know you guys can’t get enough of Chippy, I called him in the wake of Luis Gonzalez going off on tHom Brennaman and constructed my whole article around what HE had to say.
Some gems:
“Players are paid to play,” Caray said. “Players aren’t paid to evaluate the announcers. They are great at what they do. But sometimes Superman trips on his cape and you have to report it.”
AND
“It’s not our fault when they go 0-for-4,” Caray said. “And they never come around and say thank you when they go 4-for-4. If you’re not going to say thank you, then don’t complain.”
Yes, they should THANK the broadcasters. WTF?
Anyway, I must be the only person alive who takes that soulless assclown seriously.
Played? Do you mean like what I do to my bitches?
Well I guess I’m not funny anymore, folks. Honesty compels me to see that I feel a twinge of disappointment.
Are jokes about me still cool, dude? I think they are, dig?
By: Hee Seop Choi
Hey,
Can I at least listen to Moises pee on his hands?
Whoa, when did I come out of the woodwork? I don’t think I’ve BEEN mentioned on Desipio since last year, but thanks for remembering me, Old & Tired.
P.S. Chip jokes will never not be funny.
Who the fuck is Kent Mercker and why is he posting on Desipio?
I can’t believe you’d use such vulgar language, Steve! Gosh darn.
A big,warm and compelled “howdy” to my imaginary family in Orlando, folks
I would love for people to remember me, in any way, shape or form
shut up, Jose
leave my brother chip and my imaginary relatives alone
….is what happens when Andy fails to fulfill his civic duty by churning out a Dose.
I am on PTI right now, and they are treating me like a genius. And I am. This is huge for me and my smallball group of grinders.
Wait till you play us Kenny boy.
a Reinsdorf-Williams-Meng Production, featuring the White Sucks, coming this summer to a stadium near you
Winning is me!
Well, I won again. Soon 4 horses will descend from the blood red sky, and sitting on each horse shall be a pale rider. Their names shall be War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death. I mean, seriously dudes, how else could I go 7-0?
My facial hair is so intimidating. The AL is so weak that I haven’t even given up a run yet. If I were still in the NL, my ERA would be around 4.50 at this time.
I love it how the Sox media/fans are hailing garland as The Greatest Pitcher in the Free World when just a year ago they were criticizing him for being a bust and having no balls. They would’ve traded him for a bag of balls last May. What a bunch of front-runners.
Good morning, folks! let’s talk about that wonderful pair of future Hall of Famers:
The beege & Mr. Pujols.
the cubs should go 3-0 this weekend
The Cubs will be swept, blowing three games in the eighth or ninth innings.
Not only do we have the best pitching staff ever assembled, but the best offense too. We know we can, and will win. Never has there been a team in such a loaded league with such great talent. We have proven winners, and class players all the way. Not to mention, a slew of future hall of famers, Garland, Garcia, Contreras, Konerko, Rowand, Everett, Hermanson, Iguchi, etc… We are unstopable and will win at least 120 games.
Dinosaurs ain’t be real muthafuckers. Theys a figment of some shit, man. Fuck dinosaurs, bitches.
I still sorely need to get a life.
at ESPN the visibility is always great
It is when you are looking at my pretty face, buddy.
I’m confused. Just who is my target audience?…Gay Softball Leagues?
I’m going to be making you uncomfortable periodically throughout the rain delay.