Pitching matchup:
St. Louis: Woody Williams, 3-5, 4.71
Cubs: Matt Clement, 6-4, 3.27
Lineups:
St. Louis
Tony Womack, 2b
Roger Cedeno, rf
Lassie, cf
Scott Rolen, 3b
Ray Lankford, lf
John Mabry, 1b
Somebody Molina, c
Hector Luna, ss
Woody Williams, p
Cubs
Jose Macias, 2b
Michael Barrett, c
Moises Alou, lf
E-ramis Ramirez, 3b
Todd Hollandsworth, rf
Derrrek Lee, 1b
Corey Patterson, cf
Ramon Martinez, ss
Matt Clement, p
Am I starting at 2B & hitting leadoff tonight ?
i better be starting in center tonight for that jackass patterson. if not, i’m walking like Raul Mondesi did to the pirates.
my bet is on Ramirez this series. although i think Scotty will definitely be the starting third baseman at the All-Start game. Aramis will be taking his spot come the middle of the game though.
Good news, bad news, I am starting, but in right, corey in center batting 7th
Is Jimmy playing tonight or is he going to be molesting those farm animals in Valpo again?
that a boy Dusty, take Hollandsworth(which is been about the only guy hitting lately) out of the lineup and leave Patterson(the one guy who worthless and will be 0-4 with 2 popups and 2 K’s tonight.) when are we going to give up on that sorry son of a bitch. maybe wait till his dumbass brother comes around.
Hey Dusty, I’m available
Dolan,
You need to get a Hate-0-Meter for Patterson. I bet that thing would be off the charts. See what you can do.
Loyal Korey Hater
For the highest part of the meter, label it "Burn in Hell Korey"
Easy people, I swear I will make contact tonight. They just never seem to throw me any good pitches?
Damn, Korey, I’m glad I’m not in your doghouse. That homerun the other day should keep the people off my ass for a couple weeks.
Lee and Patterson, you guys are the greatest in my book. You know how much I’m an expert scout on players.
We thought we’d make it interesting that inning. But don’t worry, we will be there tonight.
I should have stayed in Valpo with those farm animals.
Glad to see that we’re back on pace again. Dusty, it doesn’t matter how you switch the lineup, you’ll still have the same shitty results.
I WILL NOT BE SPEAKING TO ANY OF YOU FOOLS AFTER THE GAME.
LaTroy, can I ask you a question?
No, you stupid son of a %&@*@! I hate all you people.
I may hit like shit, but my glove is something to be taken seriously. Sorry Mony, you might be on that bench a little while longer than expected.
I don’t need no stinking glove!
Why is it a big deal if LaTroy doesn’t want to talk to the media? Can we get the same kind of deal for Corey, so he can avoid giving us his expert thesis on hitting?
Did someone ask him something stupid? I missed the press conference.
I’ll talk to anyone. I need to feel loved.
I had a press conference wearing a t-shirt that says "Throw it til it blows out" and told the media I would not be talking to them anymore.
George Ofman doesn’t believe it. He thinks I’m LYING!!!
Us? Ask something stupid? Can’t imagine! LaTroy is just high-strung.
I’ll guess we’ll take the night off once again until the 7th inning. Boy do we suck or what?
I also have better stuff than Joe Blowoski.
Also said that he could do their job, they can’t do his
What do you think? Should I start tonight out with a strikeout or my most notably out- my favorite, the popout.
Why can’t I draft a guy that can hit? Let’s go with a pitcher that we won’t need in the future, especially one that has already have arm problems. I’m brilliant wouldn’t you say.
Watch out for me, I’m hellbent at replacing Bako for current scrub. I’ll go 4-4 with a homer!
Those damn Cubs are starting to wear off on us. This could be like that game in St. Louis, where we let the Farns come in to and win the game for us 1-0.
I took a ball, leave me alone!
Wat a time to show up.
No boobirds for me tonight
All of you people can now F–K straight off!
See what you can do by swinging at ball 3. Thank you wind and basket.
I hear there’
s an opening at SS in Chicago at the end of the year. How about me?
"Form follows function"
Korey, you shit-for-brains! I told you NO MORE SOLO BLASTS!
Is it me, or do I just not run hard?
The Hate-O-Meter is at "Lucky Bastard" for Korey.
Whew! The sun is still a factor! Thanks, Chip.
I miss you, Chippy. When will I see you again?
I’m glad Patterson hit that homerun for a 1-0 lead. But every time he gets lucky like that(which isn’t often)it just buys him time. I think he still sucks and we need to ditch him.
Hey, Disgruntled. Didn’t I just tell you to F–K straight off?
Fuck.
Take that, Cubdom.
They kill you every fucking time.
Is that you? Shouldn’t you be annoying the people watching WGN?
You don’t score with walks, dammit!
You mean, I coulda had him for Hill and Cruz?
Hell if Korey hits one tonight, you knew Rusch was going to give them up tonight.
4-1? Shouldn’t they invoke the slaughter rule at this point? Let us go home early.
![]("http://www.albertpujols.com/Albert_and_Deidre_Pujols_swimsuit_photo.jpg"/)
I will celebrate our lead by tossing my wife around joyfully!
Kinda miss me now, don’tcha?
4-1? What can you guys do with only Avellini and Ricky Watts to bring you from behind?
I wish I wasn’t I wasn’t on the DL, or I could’ve pitched to Rolen. He’s 0 for nothing against yours truly.
What? Take it from behind? I’m in. Oh, wait. I guess I read that wrong.
So yeah, we went 1-13 that one year, but the other teams were sure as hell sore the next day.
We need to throw that up and not the one with the blue "w" on it either. I mean the surrender flag.
The Cubs are in jeopardy of losing their perfect record in games with Ronald Reagan dead.
Cubs players in the dugout: How do you get these things?
Can we get in on this homerun derby?
How ’bout the singles derby?
Well, not for me.
Odds of Chip saying anything about scoring with two outs: off the board.
Which Corey will I be?
Back to Normal. Move that Hate-O-Meter back to "Burn in Hell"
I’m back. I was gone for a while. But I have exorcised that evil batter that possessed my body earlier in the game. I apologize for any inconvenience.
The Cubs are like Chippie. They both love playing from behind.
Glendon is a fan
Tony Womack may pull a Jap Play here and bunt for a hit.
Just thought I’d let you guys know Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals is on ABC.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Steve, there are other terms much more offensive than "friend from Nigeria." Give me a call, I’ll tell you what they are.
I’d say we’ve seen enough of your ass tonight. Baker, let’s see a pitch hitter for Rusch in this inning.
Shut up #76.
You can F–K straight off as well.
I don’t need a pinch-hitter
baker, i see why you kept Glendon in there. now take him out.
I think I’ll take this one out of the park, as well.
What happened?
Or at least out of the infield.
bako, ordonez, and martinez. That’s how you hit homeruns you fags.
Macias ignored me!
There I am.
Does that make you guys feel better?
Fire that son of a bitch. Hate-O-Meter for Wendell, "Burn in Hell"
Where are MY boobirds?
Is Wendell a Jap?
Re: Wavin’ Wendell Kim
cc: Jim Hendry
As per the obvious performance malfeasance of one W. Kim in your department, I regret to inform you that his job his protected by the Mental Disabilities Act. Sorry.
first of all, it take a homer from a pitcher to light a fire under our ass. we get a double, single, and we only score 1 run that inning. we love taking ourselves out of innings.
I love taking Steve out for dinner.
He was only out by 35 feet. Usually I get them nailed by 50. I’m losing my touch.
That is what we’ve been doing all year. We’ve had opportunities to really open the offense on our opponents, but we kill ourselves.
Anything I can do to help?
i’d really like to know how many successful sacrafice flies we have failed this year. we have to be setting some type of records. i’m talking about the ones that Wavin Wendell hasn’t fucked up too.
I think the Cubs have figured out what these things are, now they just have to not fuck themselves out of getting them.
Wow, #76 and #80, you were right. My stank performance in the 6th nearly cost us the game.
So far the fines are $237,000.00. The F-Bombs are threatening to shut this site down.
Sorry to all you Korey haters. i tried to take him out.
I have a 6 game hitting streak? I’m only hitting .260 still.
I just like saying Poo Holes. Heehee.
this should be our new centerfield/rightfield combonation. no Korey please.
Well when I go 1-4 that’s what happens.
I’m useful for what?
See? It’s a good thing we let Carpenter on the basepaths. Let him get tired. Baker’s a genius. No disrespect intended towards Tony.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Where the hell is Bill Laimbeer?
How about Anthony Mason?
Please Baker, no Farns tonight. You know how bad he sucks against the Cards. You do remember those two losses in St. Louis by Farnsworthless.
Don’t forget me.
There’s another $76,000.00.
It’s been good to us the last couple days. Let’s see what magic we can work without Randall Simon!
Collie hair on my hands. Sorry, Chris.
Not so good this time around.
Baker,
You are a dumbass if you don’t start Hollandsworth in center when Sammy gets back.
Final score thanks to our great 5th inning fuckup.
That is if I don’t come in. Then look for 8-3.
I said 4 runs won’t win this game, huh….
Why Farns? Remlinger just struck out two and a row. Let’s see how Farnsworthless does with that gayass slider of us. My bet is on Rolen smashing it out in left.
The "Second Luckiest Bastard" tonight next to Korey.
You don’t think Remlinger could’ve made Rolen fly out to the warning track like that. Screw the Farns.
Why does Dusty not use Remlinger against righties? For the last two years, he has been significantly better against right-handed batters? Is it fear of being second-guessed for going against "The Book"?
Lee, Patterson, and Ordonez in the 9th. Why do these guys always seem to be up when we desperately need runs. Boy that 5th inning killed us.
89 pitches through 8 for Carpenter.
No walks, of course.
Absolutely nothing.
My question is, why do we waste Hollandsworth in the 7th, when Rusch could’ve hit for himself. He did produce one of our runs tonight?
Now we bascially have nobody in the 9th. Dubois and that’s a long shot. Nice job once again coach.
You can rest assured it will be me pinch hitting.
Carpenter hasn’t had one since ’01.
How about pitch hitting with Prior
Don’t we have clutch coming up? Lee, Patterson, & Ordonez. Ordonez won Saturday’s game. Oh, that was Randall Simon. 4-3 loss to open the series. We really should have won this one.
Oakland 2, Cincy 0
Carpenter pitched a whale of a game tonight. Chippie, wake up, we beat on him early, but actually knocked ourselves out. You are such a doofus!
We also don’t enjoy those base clogging walks.
Little Corey, I will eat you!
I look like the dumbest show ever.
I can’t believe a guy can beat you single- handedly, but tonight Scotty did.
Here I come.
I would rather swing at a ball that hits the grass in front of the plate than take a pitch over the plate.
You pitch hit Dubois here and it would be the smartest thing you did all night. Which isn’t the brightest thing.
Look, if it wasn’t for all you bastards Corey wouldn’t have been here til last year!
He should still be in AAA!
My God, I’m so fucking annoying.
I really wished he didn’t hit that homerun in the 1st. He didn’t deserve that. The baseball Gods felt sorry for him. Hate-O-Meter-"Explode in Hell"
Just maybe I should’ve been pinch-hitting here, not in the 7th
Todd,
We were just looking for that two-out magic that Chip is always telling me about.
Way to go- you wasted your hits tonight. now clement, prior, and zambrano will pitch awesome games and of course you will not hit the ball.
How can Carpenter pitch a whale of a game when he gave up 9 hits and 2 homeruns. further more, they were to a useless centerfielder and a pitcher. Chris, maybe you will get a free dinner from Chippie for your outstanding performance.
why do you have to keep letting patterson buttplugging you into playing him? enough is enough.
please, us cubs fans are begging you front the bottom of our bleeding cubby blue hearts, bench Korey.
I actually kinda like this. It seems like Korey has become the team punching bag. After all, I may strike out, but I swing at strikes. Suck teez nuts Korey!
Baker is a stubborn, stubborn son of a bitch. Common Sense tells you this is the lineup that should be handed in tomorrow:
Macias-RF (hitting .300 or above0
Lee-1B starting to hit more
Alou-LF (hit machine)
Ramirez-3B (Mr. RBI Man)
Hollandsworth-CF (produces)
Barrett-C (hits better down here)
Walker-2B (will get that 1000th hit
Ordonez-SS (only weak spot)
then whatever pitcher
Why can’t Baker figure this out? Why does he constantly want to battle what should be right in front of him. Good luck until you figure this one out. More losses if not.
999. And Dead.
Fuck Him.
I can’t wait until this bastard signs somewhere else for 2005.
Better yet, does Steinbrenner want this overhyped piece of white trash right now?
The wind is blowing out 15 miles per hour and all we can do is score three measly runs.
The following statement should not require any explanation, especially after the previous sentence: THIS OFFENSE SUCKS!!!
That is all.
Aramis…I love thee.
Don’t worry about Todd Walkah or Grudz, neither will be here in 2005. Grudz’ injury guarantees he won’t meet his vesting option, and Walker was supposed to be a bench guy, not an everyday regular. There’s a reason Boston dumped him for Pokey Reese and ex-Cub reject Mark Bellhorn.
Your 2005 Chicago 2B? Richard Lewis.
#150…FINALLY someone ragging on that waste of goo, Todd Walker. What, has this asshole been wearing an immunity idol? People–have any of you guys noticed that his friggin’ avg. is .253?
You ought to save the venom you dump on our 24-year old centerfielder and apply it to the overpaid buster, Todd Walker.
Mikey D. is dead on…what’s Todd Walker done for us lately?
All the f-bombs, and I didn’t even check in until now. My, my, my.
Wow…Can’t a dude have a bad week? Walker has gone 2-24 over the past 7 days (days leading up to his 1000 hit). Take those stats out and he was at .338 (approx) a week ago. Korey, meanwhile, hasn’t seen .330 since A ball.
TW–The whole is more than simply a sum of its parts.
Walker’s batting is .253, and he’s been playing everyday, save for the first week of the year and the week he was injured.
I don’t have the time or energy to look it up, but I don’t think he managed to drop 35 points in a week.
But you have a good point–when the going gets rough, Todd hides behind all the other bums.
Way to step it up, Todd. Maybe Tom Kelley was right about your ass. One good year in Boston and all the saberweenies love the guy–facts be damned.
Actually, playing enough "MVP Baseball 2004" has informed me of the fact that most of Walker’s hitting stats have gone down in the past four years. It’s just his huge postseason that helped him get the contract (Albeit at a lower price than what he wanted initially) from the Cubs.
Somebody bring back the home pinstripes!!!
I’m blowing in.
Nice work so far by Jon Miller. He keeps calling Matt Clement, Matt Morris. That won’t be annoying.
And…Joe Morgan applauded the Cubs on the great trade they made to get Moises Alou.
Of course, it wasn’t a trade.
Ok, I’m blowing out.
In from Sheffield, that is.
We are about half and half Cubs/Cards fans. What an idiot.
Hey! Look out or I’ll pee on you!
And everybody south of Chicago is a Cardinals fan!
Wow, I’m a dumbass.
![]("https://www.desipio.com/images/smartest-cardinalsfan.jpg"/)
Anybody catch me bragging about how much speed the Astros have?
Yeah, Berkman, Kent, Hidalgo, Everett, whatever’s left of Biggio, Ausmus and Bagwell can all fly.
Apparently, they removed a nut and half my brain.
You think he is bad during a game, you should see him in bed.
I’m here tonight, bitches!
Tell me about it.
I’m here tonight too.
I also said the Cardinals run a lot. Renteria, and umm… umm… er, is Kerry Robinson still there? No?
I’m huge, I sing country music, and I modernized the current under-jacket umpire protector ("the West Vest"). I am King!
My hip replacement is driving me nuts in this stormy weather.
Oy.
Hey, any team with Vince Coleman and Willie McGee has a lot of speed. I love the Cardinals. Especially Ken Oberkfell.
And Tom Ramsey.
Looks like this is where the Cards’ hitters will be hanging out
1 Fastball to Edmonds… now 2 sliders please.
What about me, Harold?
Jon Miller says Clement can obviously get lefties out because he owned the lefty hitters on the Giants last week.
How hard is it to own Mike Tucker, AJ Eyechart, Neifi Perez and JT Snow?
That Perez guy can rake.
Don’t tell me ’bout no Neifi.
Wow, I have a terrible arm, don’t I?
Thanks, Mike.
I will always come back to get you.
buh-bye
Actually, he struck Edmonds out, but I didn’t want to call it.
Jim let me have a turn on a St. Bernard last night.
He’s good people.
I hated that 2-spot, I would much rather be in the 7-spot.
Actually, he struck Edmonds out, but I didn’t want to call it.
Jim let me have a turn on a St. Bernard last night.
He’s good people.
Sorry. See, another reason to hate Joe West.
I’m glad I’m not playing tonight. I wouldn’t want to stay hot, or anything.
Morris wasn’t trying to strike out Goodwin, just get him out.
Maybe he should have tried to strike him out?
Sorry Todd, the wind is blowing out and with my power I could hit several homeruns today.
I "dogged" it after that single and Goodwin went to third.
How ironic.
A leadoff hitter’s job is to get on base, right? Right!
Great, I let Goodwin advance, now I will have to limp into the dugout after we get our 3 outs.
I am the new Sammy Sosa, uh…,buddy.
Waveland Avenue, bitches!
Hey Rolen, can I catch a ride with you to the All-Star Game?
Ouch, that hurt.
Whew, no rally for me to kill.
I am the great A-Ram!!! Bow to me, bitches!!!
In my last 162 games before tonight: .290, 35 doubles, 35 HRs, 125 RBI.
Hey, I thought I was up?
We didn’t bat out of order again, did we?
Well I got my avg. pitch per at bat already.
I hit HR # 490 today. That puts me one behind a Major League Super Star
![]("http://sportsmed.starwave.com/i/magazine/new/emanski_mcgriff.jpg"/)
That’s a 10-4 good buddy.
Good thing I’m not around to call you on it.
I got my ears on!
I’m working my way back to Tampa Bay! I’m ready to lap Junior!
Actually, I once saw Jim Edmonds get "lapped". It wasn’t pretty.
Hey, E-Ramis, check with Rolen, see if there’s room in the car for me!
4-1 Cubs.
Sorry, I tried to hesitate to make a great play but he hit it too hard.
You ain’t working your way back to shit!!!
Ramon Martinez, Exhibit 123,432 why bench players always get exposed when you play them enough.
Could be why Dusty keeps juggling right field.
Don’t worry Tino, I’m too lazy to actually play in the field. I just want to DH and take naps in between my at bats.
I have a lead, I’m going at least 8
On the CBS page, it says Ramirez homered to deep left.
Anyone ever homer to shallow left?
Matt Clement on fans wearing phony beards, "It’s kind of creepy, actually."
Well said.
Is there still any room left in that car??
Does the Anti-Christ think I’m playing short?
I mean, except in Fenway Park
Colin,
No.
Jason
The question for the day, "Will the Cubs actually feel the need to score again tonight?"
Many home runs are hit to shallow left in Houston. Just ask Chip.
NO.
In Houston, Chip hits to deep Beege
I’m in cruise control now
Wouldn’t it be amusing if someone sent me the web-address for this page on the CDW faxline?
The Doctor said, " the less I hit, the less stress will be put on my knee ". So what is a man to do?
A double! Good God, I’m going to collapse from my asthma!
I can do it all. I pitch. I hit. I leg out doubles.
OK, I could have crawled to second.
And now, I run into an easy out, because I’m a dope. And, I stumbled, so I probably left my groin in a wad between short and third.
Speaking of leaky bowels, you really should check out https://www.desipio.com!
I’m Matt Clement, bitches!!!
The Cubs have lots of speed! How could I have forgotten the 124 year old Tom Goodwin!
I just called Todd Walker "Miller." What the hell am I thinking?
Wait a minute, did the Cubs just steal a base on the great Mike Matheny?
How is this possible? I thought he was impervious to the stolen base?
Have Chip and Steve led us astray all these years?
you know what? My son should make a documentary of my life.
Too much smoking the doob with me and the band, Ronnie.
The catcher may give up stolen bases, but watch out for that bullpen.
In Re: #74
That’s my real name. Damn my parents and their hippy ways.
Let’s see the Whiz Kid drive goodwin in here
Wow, I was sure I was going to get beer thrown on me.
Right field sucks!
I could have gotten a hand on that ball to Porter.
Boo!
…or not…
Hey Chip, what about my gold glove?
I am batting better than Jeter.
I was hitting .500 the last time we played the Cubs (5-10) now I’m 5-24.
Woo! I’m hot!
Did Moises just hit a ball to RF? Mouthbreathin’ Matt sighs.
I think I’ll walk the pitcher to lead off the inning. What fun!
I get hot for chicks with beards!
How about my gold glove?
I just sh*t the bed.
Hey, Kidd. Try number one, it’s a lot sexier than number two.
Trust me. ;)
Clement is pitching like Three-Finger Brown. I should know, I’ve batted aganist both.
My hip really hurts when I run, or masturbate. Fortunately, a lot of the guys helped me out by lending a hand.
Now if only they could figure out a way to help me run.
Maybe the Cardinals need a younger first baseman? Maybe a Major League Super Star?
How did I get Albert Pujols out in the old days? I used to just throw the ball at his neck and then try and pick him off first.
Of course, he was old then, so he didn’t get much of a lead.
Did Sosa and Pujols quit taking me at the same time?
I’ve got wheels. I won’t swing for the fence, Dusty! Promise!
I’m in, it’s all over now!
Wait, wrong game thread.
Change my name to Colin Porter. It’s all the same.
We’re both white, slow and useless.
I am fast. I think I just realized it.
Bow to my bunting ability, bitches!
Tonight on CSI: Derek Lee, Grissom and Seidel investigate Derek’s homicide of the Cubs 3rd inning rally.
Being patient does help, weird.
Anyone need a rally killed?
Joe Morgan is talking about "clutch RBI ability" and our heads are collectively exploding!
How about "Pumpkinhead" for that stiff-backed Scott Rolen?
Who does this Lee guy think he is… me?
Phew, I’m safe. It’s Lee that’s batting.
Hey, anybody else want to watch how I actually follow the curveball, instead of just giving up on it?
Anyone?
Derrek, the bat ain’t a fashoin accessory
That hurt.
Check out the brown stain on my ass.
Eww.
The Anti-Christ just said the ball is made of canvas.
Huh?
fashoin? what the hell is that?
![]("http://www.drmenlo.com/imagio/fotographia/morans.jpg"/)
When all is said and done, am I the best hitter on the team?
I think I am.
Now Ramon can ground out meekly so we don’t score.
How did E-ramis and Corey both manage to not tag up on that?
Hah! I have cursed the Cubs! I said they are the team to beat in the division!
Have fun in fifth place, fellas!
Muahahahahaha!
Oooh, I’m evil.
That’s a bold statement… the Cubs will be the team to beat when they get all their players back. Who would of thought that??
I wish I was a Major League Super Star
So do I, Ramon.
I wish you were a Major League Mediocrity at this point.
Thanks for the compliments Mr. Morgan, but even we know we won’t finish over .500.
Just wondering, what makes everyone suddenly think the Reds are actually THIS good?
0-2 on Edmonds. Just throw him the "face high fur ball."
Memo to Jim Hendry: when the Marlins call, hang up.
Lee got Aramis’ contract.
Throw me!!
What? We’re not great?
Oh wait, we aren’t.
We’ll be in fourth by the All-Star Break.
Or lower.
Hey, Jim! I’ve got a trade for you, how about Wil Cordero for Bobby Brownlie, Jason Dubois and the Japanese guy who kills birds?
Take it easy, I have saved the Cubs about 10 runs this year digging balls out.
Two things about the Joe Morgan-Pumpkinhead Rolen interview.
#1 Joe can’t hold his own Microphone.
#2 it’s a big "boom" one and when held in front of him, while sitting down it looks like a foam covered erection.
Mrs. Morgan should be so lucky.
Scottie Rolen, now my last question. How do you have a double chin?
The two Cubs who catch the most crap are Lee and Patterson. How come Ramon Martinez gets a free pass? He’s the only Cubs regular who can’t hit.
Don’t forget about me!!!!
Mr. Rolen,
Payment for your last order is now past due.
Thanks.
By the way, who doesn’t think Roger Clemens is on the ‘roids? Anyone? Anyone?
To: Woody Williams
Fr: Satan
Re: Our little pact
Time’s been up for six weeks now, Woody.
Mr. Morris…you’re next.
Hey, Desipio!
I love you guys! Especially Dolan…you asshole!
I’m doing the Reds-Stros tomorrow night
Troy O’Leary and Lenny Harris headed up last year’s bench, "The Stunt Men?"
Did they die in April jumping off a rooftop?
That Albert Pujols is going to win a Gold Glove! Did you see him make that routine pick up?
Are you making Troy and Lenny "the Fall Guys" for 2003?
Oh, I crack me up.
Chalk another saved baserunner up to my glove.
Wow, I’m a real prick, aren’t I?
Thats what you call pitching. God, I just realized how badly I suck.
Did Cal Ripken’s streak ever stop?
Just how dumb am I?
Clement just hit 80 pitches. when does Dusty shut him down?
Catch that Rolen!
I’m no Dez White.
I think Dusty should shut him down right after the 27th out.
You wouldn’t think a guy that old could hit a ball that far.
Did I just shush the crowd while my team is still down 2 runs?
Does anybody think that people watch SportsCenter because Chris Berman is going to be on it? I’d wager that people don’t watch it because he’s going to be on it.
Was Poo-Holes’ homer longer than the one he hit in West Side Grounds in aught-nine?
Hey Albie,
I can think of a place where you can shove that finger. It’s where your thumb normally is.
Wow, Chris Berman and Stuart Scott are doing SportsCenter tonight. That works out great for me because I have a couple of pencils I have been wanting to jam into my ears.
Sure, I’d like to single with nobody on base.
E-Lassie.
Hee hee.
Haha Edmonds, you pud.
Berman, I challenge you to a duel! Worn-out catchphrases and cliches at 10 paces!
Screw it, I’m giving Ramon a double.
He needs it.
My mistake, that should be an error.
What? You mean I’ve been overrated all this time? But I have a fool-proof way of getting on Sports Center. I slow down on easy flyballs so I can dive for them and make them look tough.
I also play way too shallow so balls can get hit over my head and if I don’t catch them, nobody thinks it’s because I suck.
After this, the Cubs go to Houston for two in Coors Light. Chip picked out something pretty…
No, really, I haven’t lost it. Don’t get anybody up in the bullpen or anything.
Wow. Made up for last week’s plodder.
also, the Cardinals go home for three with Pittsburgh. The folks in St. Loo have a big welcome planned…
![]("http://www.melroseiowa.com/july4/July42001/morans.jpg"/)
I’m toast.
how did the cards score?
nevermind I looked you bums.
It’s Capt. Tightpants’ music!
Sit down, Farns. I’ve got this.
I’ve been gone for more than a half-inning. I’m a greasy-ass tonight.
Ouch! Macias!
I wonder if Joe and Jon could address whether or not Morris gave up four in the first and then none since.
Not liking things at the moment.
If LaTroy’s in now, it means Joe will pitch the ninth.
If we don’t score about six in the eighth, we’re in trouble.
Gulp.
I’m giving Kyle and Sweaty joe the chair-shot
Wow, I’m babbling now. Something about Matt Clement the point guard and Scott Rolen the shooting guard.
How about somebody shoot me?
I don’t like the way this is heading.
Hawkins for two innings tonight, please.
ESPN’s K-Zone is full of shit.
Kiko Calero coming in.
Let’s get some runs!
Hawkins got them out on 11 pitches. Leave him in.
But I’m not the closer … I don’t want Joe to feel bad about himself, you know?
Don’t worry fellas, I’ll just load the bases and get out of it. You know, the usual.
In April: .280, 3 HR, 5 RBI
In May: .242, 1 HR, 3 RBI
Shit, I’m outta Tums
In April: .351, 1 HR, 4 RBI, 7 SB
In May: .224, ) HR, 5 RBI, 3 SB
One more biscuit for breakfast.
Sit down, Joe.
Please.
Speaking of biscuits, here’s Ray King.
Dumbass Chip always says, "Ray wants to be judged by his performance not his weight."
Shit, how hard is it for a pro athlete to not be, EIGHTY pounds overweight?
You guys missed a fine episode of the Sopranos.
Did somebody say Biscuits?
Ix-nay on the Opranos-say. It’s waiting for me on TiVo when the game is over.
Ok, sorry. : )
Let’s end this, boys. Gotta get back to the Green Acres marathon on TV Land.
Ray King reminds me of a guy I used to play with, Al Holland.
Al was a fat ass, too.
Wow, I’m managing the shit out of this one, aren’t I?
Don’t worry, I can give you some insurance runs.
Hey, I just dunked in the T-wolves-Lakers game.
No, wait. That was Oliver Miller.
Please not Borowski. How can Baker not see it?
I should drive Derrek in here, shouldn’t I?
Borowski needs to start pitching to his old catcher, Jake Taylor
Can I hit for Ramon?
Hollandsworth’s on deck.
Wish we had Hollandsworth to pinch hit for Ramon.
Walking Barrett can’t possibly come back to haunt me or my mullet.
"You got any better options?"
Doesn’t matter who’s hitting, I still suck.
Cross your fingers.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love Regular Joe as much as the next guy, but this is suicide.
He has nothing he can throw to get Pujols, Edmonds or Rolen out. Maybe he should walk them all and try and get Renteria, Porter and Matheny out?
This isn’t terrifying or anything
The people in the bleachers are going to need Tommy John surgery from throwing so many balls back.
All sliders it is.
I’m as twitchy as hughes’ colon right now
Joe, is that you?
Wow, even I wouldn’t swing at that, Edmonds.
Did I just miss a fastball down the middle?
Corey, you would have never gotten past the first pitch.
Never any doubt.
Cubs win!
Welcome back to first place.
Part of me wishes Borowski would blow some save opportunities, so Hawkins could be the "official" closer
Ok, Joe we have a deal.
Screw those non save situations. They aren’t worth my time.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Joe, long time, no see
See I told you Joe could do it.
Is that Pujols in the dugout shooshing the crowd?
Did Albert Pujols shush the crowd after his pop out?
Welcome back, Cards. You’ll have to share a seat with the Brewers.
How many games did we pick up this weekend?
Huh? We lost one?
Everyone go to cubs.com and vote for me as their favorite player, I’m at 6%
Aaaarrrghhhh… only 2 minutes of Sportscenter and my ears are already bleeding.
Shhhhhhhh!
I’ve got the Cubs’ record for consecutive save opportunities converted.
Step off, bitches.
well Joe Bo makes for another exciting ending! i’m glad baker didn’t pitch Farnsworthless or we would have been singing a different tune. baker learned from his mistake in St. Louis using that loser. thanks coach.
Womack, Cedeno, Mabry, Molina and Luna? It’s like The Genius is trying to give us this one. If we don’t win tonight…
Woof.
Wait, I think I just aroused Lassie.
A win tonight and an automatic tomorrow turns into a 4-of-5 streak and then everyone is happy.
See, it’s easy!
We have no video. Yay, us.
I would have done a cartwheel, the splits and then into a triple lutz to make that catch…
Rank amateurs…
Then again, we’re talking on one telephone.
Whoops.
We’re just camera-shy. Today we’ll be on fire!
Walker is "getting a rest" according to intrepid color man…Is that when Fat Tony asks you if you want to, ah, "take a ride?"
Ron is LYING!
I find the play of my favorite baseball squad, The Chicago National League Ball Club, quite reprehensible in the instances immediately preceding the present. Perhaps they can successfully achieve the objective of the sport in tonight;s match.
These might be some of the worst matchups since this idea came into existance:
Toronto-LA
SD-Boston
Montreal-KC
Pittsburgh-Texas
Houston-Seattle
Arizona-Baltimore
SF-Tampa Bay
Ick.
Can I bat 2nd forever?
Ohhh no no! Us transplanted Pittsburgians living in Arlington Texas have–ah who the hell am I kidding.
No video menas I can sit in Chip’s lap all night and comb his monobrow as we share one phone.
San Francisco and Tampa Bay is a natural matchup–the battle of the bays!
You know this Barrett guy reminds me of someone…speedy catcher type…hmmmmmm….
Hm, so it’s not the cameras.
Do I have to buy ESPN now?
Chip Caray and no video.
At least with a picture you can see how fucked Chip’s play-by-play descriptions are; withou video, you’re screwed.
Too bad we can’t have the video without Chip’s audio.
Coming to Chicago is like playing Tee Ball.
Start walking him intentionally. Who else in this lineup is going to hit Clement?
The way Cubs have been hitting–or not hitting to be more precise–I’m getting worn out when every time a Cub hits a shot to the outfield (instead of striking out) there’s this sudden excitement that always instantly ends with "and he makes a great catch…" or "that’ll be caught." The false hope is killing me. Meanwhile, every time an opposing teaam makes contact it leaves the yard. Maybe one day, we too could hit one of these "home runs."
Pasty, I’ll try to hit a homer for you!
Thanks Corey! Just close your eyes and swing as hard as you can.
Not like anyone is actually watching, but our game has video. AND our outstanding duck snort he gone announcers.
Chip Caray vs. Pat Hughes–let’s see who can make the best descriptions without video.
Oh, wait, I think this one is over.
Chip vs. Andy Masur.
Masur is the only person in broadcasting who makes Santo’s PBP sound good.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Have Chip and Steve given as estimate on how long this no-video thing is going to be happening? With all of the Tribune company’s money, you’d think they could run a generator out there or something.
At least you can still watch us.
Ron Santo must have him one of them gas powered radios!
I would pay cahs money to see Steve and Chip sharing a phone. How sweet. I always wondered when they’d finally get together.
I would pay cash money to see Steve and Chip sharing a phone. How sweet. I always wondered when they’d finally get together.
I’m on the El. It’s affected by the power outage, too. We should have it up and running for the Lead-Off Man tomorrow.
Is it really necessary to resubmit your whole message, just for the sake of one typo?
How funny would it be if the video came back and Chip didn’t know it and the play he was describing was absolutely nothing like it was happening? Exposed for the fraud he is.
Honesty compels me to say that fraud would not be the only thing exposed.
Ooh, trippy camera work!
I’m sorry, but Pat’s awesome. He just gave the entire vivid details of that last putout in about 1.5 seconds and I had a clear picture of what happened. Living in Texas and hearing the PBP anti-Christ Milo Hamilton give no detail (except yelling out "Who fell asleep???!!" when an error is made) that makes Pat look like the Bill Shakespeare of radio PBP.
Something good happened! Holy hot piss!
Chip, hollering into the phone for three hours. Oh, yeah, things are getting better. Which circle of Hell is this, six or seven?
Corey took advantage of me. I feel so violated.
Can I have the ball, por favor? That’s my first hit in a long time.
Whee! Look at us run! We’ze aggressive!
…followed by something bad. I’m a fool to hope.
Me batting with RISP and two outs is not really that good a situation.
Dear "To Pasty,"
Sorry to inconvenience your catarac-riddled eyes. Will try to spel cheque in hte futire.
I sure like that one patch of grass
I gave Renteria his "flu bug". It’s actually syphillis.
Gosh, I hope Hector Luna gets a hold of one. I want to call it a Luna Moon shot! Or if he slides into home I can call it a Luna Landing!
Yes, I need to be beaten with a wet noodle.
I’m sorry for the profanity I have directed at you in the past. We got the point, as sucky as your bat cna be, you’re still no Rey Ordonez or Ramon Martinez…or Ray Mardonez.
"Encourage him to run." Just not all 270 feet.
You better believe it that Corey’s HR would’ve been a routine fly ball any other day…it almost was one still yesterday anyway without the wind…ooh ohh Pat says it’s time for some Cubs offense in the next frame. Apparently he’s got some penciled in on his day planner.
Breaking my wrist has been awesome! I get to chill on the bench, still collection my 5.5 mil and nobody bitches at me for my shitty hitting. I recommend it to the rest of the guys!
Holy Hot manure, the Cubs are out hitting the Cards. Too bad that COUNTS FOR $%&*! nothing!
I’m fooled by a pitch-out. I’m useless. Don’t blame me, though! Blame Dusty!
Don’t call me that for nothing. Plus, what’s more predictable than running on 0-1?
Hmm, I am pretty dumb. But I did hit the ball, give me my props.
Barret gets a hit! Whoohoo! Thank God Macias is on base!
I just scored on that play/error.
I could’ve scored there, if I were still on base!
I’m glad all these hits are doing us no good after the Macias gundown.
Don’t worry. In the words of Big Z, "I must kill the Cubs."
Macias is a genius. We could’ve had another bases loaded, no outs situation. Those are lethal.
I thought about sending Barrett home in between pitches…
And I meant STRAIGHT home. Right over the pitcher’s mound. They never would have expected that Jap play.
Another come-from-behind for the Chicago Cubs!
Something went our way? Not possible.
It was foul, I swear!
I have the over in this game. Fuck off.
I just converted back from aethism!
What’s this leather thing for?
When was the last time the Cubs strung together a bunch of hits like this?
Looks like those fines worked. I see you have the bad word cleaner upper in place. Another victory for the good guys.
Glad to see Rey Ordonez smiling, having a good time in the Cubs dugout…celebrating the team’s successes.
They seem to score a lot when the other team has errors
I remember a time back in ought-two when they did…
NOT the vaulted Cardinal bullpen!
I remember that too.
Like I said, when the pitcher has to spend so much time standing out on the base paths, it affects him the next inning.
RALLY KILLER
Waaa waa. LaRussa’s not a fan of parks where the weather’s a factor. He definitely belongs in a souless ashtray like Busch.
When I said I’d rather swing at pitches in the dirt than take pitches down the middle…that’s what I meant. And you thought I chose one over the other….
Can you imagine how awesome it’ll be when both Erik and I are on the big-league squad, high fiving at home plate right after we both hit back-to-back popouts, a la Griffey and son?
Great situation to hit. But then again, we have Patterson up. So it’s moot.
Hey, assholes, I actually took some pitches there. Blame Ramon!
Watch me protect…my .171 average.
Guess the bad word cleaner upper needs some fine tuning.
Down with censorship, you ****! You all are such ****-faces. Really, **** you and your pimply-***ed mom.
(This has been an attempt at humor. I really typed out the apostrophes. Hehe, please.)
Down with the censorship of my apostrophes!
Please pitch around me
Macias gets his man….rrrrrow!!!
This is an apostrophe (‘). THIS is an asterisk (*).
English. Really. God, I should be ashamed of myself.
…and this is a middle finger!
WALK ME YOU MORANS!
Really, you may want to pitch around me for this series.
Wait a minute. The Cardinals are stealing the Cubs playbook. Solo homers……
Can we have our degree back, please?
I go to University of Chicago. I’m a Sophomore with a 3.8 GPA. I’m glad I posted under an alias, otherwise my academic dean might just revoke my scholarships. Aww. =(
I go to University of Chicago. I’m a Sophomore with a 3.8 GPA. I’m glad I posted under an alias, otherwise my academic dean might just revoke my scholarships. Aww. =(
Ummmmmm
And I double post. Darn me.
Lots of people with 150 IQs who can’t dress themselves or otherwise function in the real world.
The Cubs? Really?
Who does the lighting in the FoxSports studio, Ed Wood?
"Big Blow for the Astros"
Pardon me while I heap praises on the opposing team, as I always do. I really don’t like the Cubs too much.
And some us get booed long after we’ve left the playing field and have moved into the announcing booth.
Corey Patterson from Chip and Steve or "This Old Cub" from Pat?
They should’ve let Woody stand at 1st base for a few minutes again to wear him out.
I’d like to "plug" Patterson.
Stoney gets the most plugs…if you know what I mean.
It looks natural. Really.
Woody, what we want to do here is load up the bases. That’s our best chance of getting out of this with no runs allowed.
Walk me, so we can get to some of that bases loaded magic.
Whack. Implement. Get up. Stroke. Leaving you wanting more. Can I be more "out"?
Damn I am great… for me to poop on.
2 for 3
Sox-11. Phils-6. Bottom of five.
That’s not a Pacers/Pistons score?
Oh, that would’ve been soooo funny last week.
LA-18. Detroit-16. End of 1.
Did you see me fetch Lee’s hit? I have great closing speed. At least when I’m chasing a rolling ball towards the warning track.
Here come the Cardinals? It’s ONE FUCKING hit. God, Chip, you are a dumbass.
I had to run 90 feet last inning. I’ll be worthless this inning. It’s my asthma.
I’ll give you ashtma!
God just pitch around me, why won’t you people just do that?
Hey Moises. Thanks for not even trying. I know you’re worried about your ancient arm, but I have an ERA to worry about.
Two at bats, two homers.
I’m just begging for you to hit me.
Seriously. I’m trying to tell you something here.
aah…but I have the Gold Bond Medicated Urine to handle my aches and pains
Rolen can foul off 18 and I still won’t hit him. I’m a good boy.
Hah! That’s just a loud strike.
Now the next one, that’ll just be a loud run.
I can’t help but to be a Cardinals’ fan. Look at my daddy, for God’s sake.
Am I your daddy?
![]("https://www.desipio.com/images/fredbird.jpg"/)
Fredbird gets around.
"Mabry has huge hole down there."
It was normal sized until Edmonds got at it.
Ron is going on about how funny Kathy and Judy are.
Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
Just wondering if the fuckblock works in the name field.
a fuckblock? Sounds like the Bears’ O-line.
Fuck. Shit. Ass. Cocksucker. Bitch. Chip. Collie. Colliefucker.
Yeah, I led the league in those in ’85.
A perfect inning?
From me?
Really?
Huh.
You know…if Wendell Kim married Turk Wendell, he’d be Wendell Wendell.
Hey, me haters: fuck all of you.
Turk Kim. Why would Wendell be the bitch in that relationship?
Hey, Dolan. Fook you for not letting me say fuck on your shitty board.
Matt? Channel that anger towards the hated satanic fowl.
Can I say cunt?
I think Test should show up as ****.
I kid because I care. Meow.
Looks like Edmonds is MY bitch.
And those gold gloves are well-earned!
Just to shut everyone up, I took two balls. Now I will go ahead and strike out. Fuck all of you.
I am a gladiator, buddy. Unless I sneeze, buddy.
The little batter they have looks just like So Taguchi.
Does that mean Lance Berkman has a gut when he’s up?
So Cedeno gets wrung up for the K in that at bat…If Taguchi had gotten a home run, would Cedeno have gotten credit for it?
Who pissed on my glove?
Sorry. My hands were still a little damp from my between innings pee break.
Walking me wouldn’t be a bad idea here. Just a thought.
Yeah, you want me in at 110+ pitches against Rolen.
I just hit a 3 run bases loaded double.
Sorry I never did that last year.
Hey, Rolen! FUCK you!
Hey Matt, come join us in the examination room. Thanks, Dusty!
Er…that’s Oakland 5, Cincy 1 after 1.
And after this game I am not talking to anyone. OK? Alright? I can’t hear you.
Does Roger Cedeno win some kind of award for "most ridiculous freak out" of 2004? He’s terrible, he wouldn’t know a strike if it hit him in the nuts and he goes postal on the ump. The ump tells him to get back in the box, so he does, then he tosses his bat away, gets thrown out of the game says in all of Fox Sports Net’s close-uped beauty, "You’re a ****ing piece of ****" about nine times, spits all over the ump and then leaves. And when he does, LaRussa goes out to the ump and says, "Roger’s an ass. Don’t mind him."
Did anybody else notice Chip yelled, "He’s gone!" when Rolen grounded out. I’m queasy just thinking about it.
Don’t most managers bring in their closers in save situations or in tie games?
Oh, right, Latroy’s not the closer?
Hey Chip, stop stealing my line!
I only threw 114 pitches and it was 90 degrees out. If you can’t get loose and stay loose on a night like tonight, you’re a pansy.
By the way, I hope Moises, Big Z, E-ramis and I can all fit into that big car that we’ll be taking to the All-Star Game!
Cockfighting.
I am not copyrighted. Anyone can use me.
I dear someone else to say me.
Chip steals me whenever he’s with Biggio….
Hi, we’re real annoying, especially when you’re trying to listen to music while computing.
…when you type FUCK!
douchebag, motherfucker, cocksucker, bullshit?
Barrett better not come out to the mound to talk to me. I will not talk to anyone. I’ll knock the piss out of him. Which may cause problems if Moises comes running in from left field.
Please let cunt slip through!
It didn’t slip through!
OK, kids. Recess is over. Stop playing with the fuckblock and pull out your science textbooks.
Children!
I am OK. Strange.
Really, I think anything they get away with on The Shield (now airing on FX) should be OK.
La Troy just looks so much better on the mound in any late situation. Sorry Joe.
…do you expect me to type? I don’t know how to act when the Cubs are winning.
Thanks Chip for jinxing any chace for a DP!
I smell better in any situation too.
LaTroy? Are you saying I smell like $hit?
I am the new Todd Wellemeyer.
but not fuck here?
Am I 95 years old?
No Joe, you smell like dirty pu$$y.
Glad I could contribute to tonite’s victory.
Hey can one of you guys loan me one of your hits from tonite so I can have my magic 1000?
In re. #155:
As I understand it, Taguchi would have gotten the home run had he hit one. I don’t recall exactly how it works, but I think things that benefit the old batting avg. go to the new player and things that don’t go to the ejected player. Or something. Don’t quote me–I don’t know what an apostrophe looks like, after all.
Is this website made for non-Cub fans or for Cub fans who like to criticize the players because they feel they can do oh-so MUCH BETTER than them if they had a bat in their hands???
It’s for everyone. Even dumbasses like you that apparently are content with whatever your chosen team is doing at any given time. Those of us that have passion about our teams, criticize the dumb things they do.
Thanks, Steve. And ironically enough, I was the one that also pointed out your apostrophe/asterisk error.
That would be me, the a-hole calling the home runs during the White Sux game.
That would be me, the a-hole sitting behind the visitor’s dugout during the 7th inning stretch.
Where’s the dose?