Pitching matchup:
Brewers: Chris Capuano, 0-0, 0.00 ERA
Cubs: Kerry Wood, 0-0, 0.00 ERA
Lineups:
Brewers 2-0
Brady Clark, cf
Junior Spivey, 2b
Lyle Overbay, 1b
Carlos Lee, lf
Geoff Jenkins, rf
Damien Miller, c
Russell Branyan, 3b
JJ Hardy, ss
Chris Capuano, p
Cubs 1-2
Jerry Hairston, 2b
Corey Patterson, cf
Nomar, ss
E-ramis, 3b
D. Lee, 1b
Jason Dewboy, lf
Jeromy Burnitz, rf
Michael Barrett, c
Kerry Lee Wood, p
Goldarnit! I wish I was still there, I could make a hilarious,
“That Jason is a MOUNTAIN of a DEWboy” joke!
I am in the lineup tomorrow, me compadres!
Home opener bro.
Is it just me or is this the best lineup the Cubs have?
Our home opener is today, too. We’re going to have a special ceremony before the game to announce that the new ballpark is expected to have indoor plumbing!
By 2017.
Nothing says “lets strangle the national anthem” like a kids’ choir.
What, Carl Lewis wasn’t available?
It’s close. I’d like to see Walker in there somehow. What’s he got so far? 8 hits in 3 games?
Never mind, the kids just did the pledge of allegiance.
Old Bulletneck is singing the anthem.
I just can’t imagine what move you’d make to keep Hairston in the lineup and play Walker?
I’m stumped.
Wait, no I’m not.
Hey, that’s Doo-bwah.
Brave!
Cubs Opening Day 2005!
I’m about to show everyone why they call my Cy Young bitches.
I’d sit DuBois, Andy.
I’d keep Korey in at 7th or 8th.
I can’t wait for that bully Carlos Lee to get up to bat. I’m going to push his ass down.
We don’t call you Cy Young bitches, Kerry.
We call you whinny crying bitch.
I like Todd, but I get tired of watching grounders roll by him into right.
I just hope Whiny Crying Bitch can find the strike zone.
Am I here?
With a head like that, I think Burnitz should leave the hat on.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
If you push me, I won’t push back…and Ozzie will trade me again.
Is good now, but wait until 3:00pm
My .500+ BA is pretty sweet, though, huh?
(And yeah, of course I can keep it up all year! Shut up.)
In honor of the dear, departed Scott Podsednik, I’m going with a superfluous “d” in my name, too.
Unfortunately Todd, your fielding percentage is just over .500 as well.
The top of the first is brought to you by Doublemint!
Ball four. SOS
Actually, we are scheduled to to show up around 3:25 or 3:30.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this…
Anybody want to buy an Acura?
HAHA … suckers. I am clogging up the basepaths for those silly Brewers.
Now I will kill you 19 times a year.
I like these umps. I’ve been picked off twice. But I’m still on second!
F#$%in’ Panamanians.
Through 10 pitches, I’ve thrown 3 strikes. That’s good right?
It’s got me beat.
Kerry! Over here, buddy!
(Yes, the strike zone talks like Sammy Sosa.)
I told you
Sure, he throws Carlos Lee a strike.
Genius.
I have worked with Kerry on throwing strikes all spring.
Well, the Cubs are 0-2 when they allow a first inning run.
I’m outta here, see you tomorrow!
Not thinking Kerry is a top five pitcher in the league is wrong, right?
In that movie Major League, they gave Rick Vaughn glasses to help him throw strikes. I wonder if this would work for Kerry?
Face high fastball?
See what happens when I throw strikes?
Now….where’s that letter from Steve Stone. I’ve got some reading to do.
Sorry Kerry, try again.
I will swing at anything.
Trade me before my value is that of Sammy.
19 pitches in the first. Maybe you can get ejected in the 4th like me, Kerry. Might as well. You aren’t gonna last to the fifth at this pace.
Kerry, SHUT UP AND PITCH! Now, where is Mike Kiley? I have to go tell him how big a loser Wood is.
Fuck you, Chuck. (just in case)
Jerry Hairston’s grounder to third is brought to you by Charter Bank!
They say you can tell how the season is going to go by the lead off batter of opening day at home? Something like that.
Which hack of Corey’s was weaker? Strike two or strike three?
Discuss.
I just set a record for missing a pitch by 3 1/2 feet!!
Yeah, benching a guy hitting .600 in the 2 spot is brilliant.
I got a hit!
They were all pretty bad…
Nomar’s grounder to short was a mystery for that Hardy boy!
Me vs. righties: .296
Me vs. lefties: .258
I may talk like a smurf, but I hit like He-Man.
Me vs. righties: 120 Ks
Me vs. lefties: 50 Ks
Me on the season: .000
See, THAT’S why Jose and Neifi are first off the bench! It all makes sense now.
See, Corey strikes out only half as much against lefties!
(In about a fifth as many at bats…)
I’ve had lots of practice chasing balls to the bricks in this ballpark.
That’s also why I don’t play him, dude.
Can’t have nobody hitting .000, bro.
I like Derrek Lee’s sparkly batting helmet!
I hope D-Lee walks so we can leave 3 on base.
How about Lee second?
The bases are loaded!
And so are we!
Yes!
Must… not… get… too… agressive…!
I’m not hitting .000 anymore!
He is no Kelton.
BOIS BOIS BOIS BOIS BOIS
All I do is rake, boys.
2-1 Cubs.
That’s Doo-bwah.
Must you constantly embarass us Bob?
Can we trade Burnitz?
For what? Magic beans?
I can kill rallies just like the old guy!
They just take longer to get to me.
I think I’ll just go hide in the trash bin now…
That ball looked 4 inches inside. Granted they had the useless camera angle on.
That at-bat from Burnitz made some of Sammy’s from the homestretch last season look excellent.
Ideal lineup:
Hairston – LF
Walker – 2B
Nomar – SS
A-Ram – 3B
Lee – 1B
DuBois – RF
Barrett – C
Korey – CF
Damien’s got more hits for the Brewers in Wrigley than he did for the Cubs.
One.
Christ, we can’t even get Miller out.
Hi, BC. I’ve read some your posts about how much you miss me. I’ve always loved you, too.
I swear to God, Kerry…you throw me a ball anywhere near the middle of the plate and I will hit it in to the lake.
Of course…..I’ll swing at anything you throw, too.
Did Len just say Wally Timsuck?
Time for Ura Jizmop to send an e-mail I guess.
Len Kasper just said “Three True Outcome”.
Russell Branyan’s strikeout brought to you buy State Farm Insurance.
Like a good neighbory, Russell will swing at anything.
Maybe he’d respond to Ima Dertshute.
They are gonna call this guy JJ the Dj cuz he is gonna spin our heads around with his magnificent plays. He’s a big league shortstop folks.
Wow, for an ad, I can’t type.
Yes, we do suck.
I’m an old Beloit Snapper! Remember me, Andy?
That’s right, Wood. You have to respect my power at the plate. Pitch around me!
Bob says that Kerry’s not on a pitch count, he’s on an “effectiveness” count. Well, time to take him out then.
I could have walked the ball down there and still got Miller.
Spellcheck is essential, even on a Desipio game thread!
Just how tough is triple A, anyway?
Mark Prior and Curt Schilling gave up FOURTEEN earned runs last night.
Woof.
Ryno, Ernie, and Billy all mumble like incoherent senile old men. Should be a SNAPPY 7th inning stretch.
Thrilling stuff….I paid $15 to listen to Pat Hughes tell Ron Santo that “HOME” on the phone translates in to 4663 on a telephone so that people can send Santo faxes…
Were Kerry a horse, he’d have snapped his fetlock years ago.
Maybe he can be humanely destroyed?
Ron Santo just called Pat Hughes “Bob”. Please get this guy into the HOF before he forgets who he is.
What the hell am I thinking sending Miller?
I told our manager to send that bum Prior down to Chicago. We can’t win the Pacific Coast League with efforts like that.
Dear Ron:
I’d give my right… leg to prevent you from ever saying, “buh-LEEVE me!” ever again.
I am a dumbass.
Sorry, JJ. You were a Snapper two years too soon for me.
Try a double steal on me? Don’t make me come into that dugout, Yost.
Here’s a pet peeve. Lots of guys do this.
Bob just said, “I asked Michael Barrett, have you ever bunted for a hit very often?”
Which is it, ever or very often?
Chris Capuano’s obsession with baserunners is annoying. It’s like he’s trying to bore them to death.
Chip, I didn’t like you. My only real problem with Len is that it sounds like he’s announcing a funeral.
Andy, didn’t Miller have an important homer in one of those September Wrigley games against the Cardinals in 2003? Or am I just hallucinating that?
What’s the over/under on strikeouts for Burnitz and Patterson during the rest of the series? 11?
My old football coach told us that if we did something the way we were supposed to, we’d be right 99% of the time all the time.
Wow, I was busting ass down that line. I almost made it halfway!
:::My only real problem with Len is that it sounds like he’s announcing a funeral.:::
Well, he did work games 6 and 7 of the NLCS.
It works 60 percent of the time, every time.
Sorry BC, but in my defense, I did announce the Pope’s funeral this morning, and I’m having a hard time making the transition.
Gonna play some Ozzie-ball now. Get em over, get em in. That’s right…Ozzie-ball.
BC likes me because I’m Mr. Excitement!
Hey Ron, let’s talk about slacks some more!
Scouting report must be Hairston can’t hit an inside pitch (See: 4 straight inside pitches)
I knew a thing or two about snapper when I was here.
Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50 – 50 chance of living, though there’s only a 10 percent chance of that.
Did I just pick my nose?
You chuckleheads don’t even know what you’re missing. In Atlanta, they MOB me for autographs! And TBS follows me around and tapes it happening!
I am loved.
Oh Kyle, you never knew if it was fresh or not, that was your biggest problem.
Good Cubs baseball.
Chip, honesty compels me to tell you that you were adopted
Yup, that’s ozzie-ball alright. Get em over and strand em.
Damn, this livecast crap is fast. I can’t keep up
“Get ’em over, leave ’em on. THAT’S the Chicago way!”
If they’re going to do that all season, wouldn’t it just be better to let the pitcher stand up there and take his hacks?
Sloth, it’s what happens now that we’ve got more than four of us posting at a time.
Will this team EVER hit a somewhat deep flyball when there is a runner at third base and less than two outs???
Whoops, still at .000
Haha Korey, you missed me.
That’s what you like to see. Runner at third, one out. Pop to second, “liner” to short.
Great job! Who wants ice cream?
There are only three types of people in the world – those who can caount, and those who can’t.
At least Corey didn’t strike out, Andy.
That’s what we call “progress.”
Oh, Andy. Didn’t you say we’re the best lineup possible?
#1!!!
Oh, shit not Brady Clark again! That guy’s unstoppable.
Go White Sox! …wait, sorry. Is this live?
Oh, great, that Michigan congressman is on the air again.
This should be excellent television.
We’re in midseason form!
Wow, for once the ump didn’t screw me over
Fundamentals, baby!
I wonder if I can hit Carlos Lee and pick him off, too??
I’m so thrilled that our Congressmen are working on the tough stuff like extending Daylight Savings Time.
I’ve got the good stuff today!
Is Kerry’s control as poor as it “looks” on Game Center?
I hear Daylight Savings really throws off the terrorists. Makes them think down is up, Mexico is the United States, and Jesus is Allah. The war will be won, baby!
Kerry Wood Pitching Tips
1060 W. Addison
Chicago, IL 60657
I think I should come up and in on Lee so he doesn’t continue to feel so comfortable against us. Maybe I’ll just drill him.
Larry Rothschild: “Kerry, throw strikes.”
Kerry Wood: “How do I do that?”
Larry: “Why did I take this awful job?”
Lineup (at 2:09),
I asked if this was our best lineup.
But hey, at least they didn’t wait seven innings to score.
Carlos Lee?
Hit him.
I am an assclown.
Could I be more boring?
If you hit me, I promise I won’t be upset.
Kurt, you’re on the list.
There isn’t a flyball I can’t chase down! I’m like a cat!
I can’t even get my team on the damn radio, what buzz? The only buzz I hear is the static on WFED.
How close was that one? Yahoo only says: “Flied out to left.”
That’s some good fielding, Dubwah.
Why do I think Moises would’ve let that one drop?
Mr. Rumsfeld, shouldn’t you be covering the statue of justice or something?
(I know, that was Ashcroft)
Hey! We can get Carlos Lee out!
Yes, I can’t even spell my own name correctly. I am proud of me.
I’m suing this Len Kasper guy. He’s stolen my fake laugh.
RD,
It wasn’t close at all. Actually, it almost fell in in front of Dewboy, but he’s too fleet for that.
As much as you guys are ripping me here, How many runs have I given up so far?
Capuano appears to be getting more calls than me.
I like tacos.
Nomar, Aramis, and Lee strike out all in a row.
Great?
I am dominant. 5 k’s through 3 ip, baby.
Capuano never mouthed off at an ump.
Baltimore doesn’t have any spicy tacos. It makes me sad, buddy.
No Sox fans to hook you up with them either, eh Sammy?
I just called the Mascot and Grudz one of the best double play combo on ESPNews.
They do have loads of rancid snapper…I’ve heard you like that, Samme
Gott have those spicy tacos, bro.
That was dead bird beat writer by the way.
I meant gotta.
Hey, the Brewers are averaging 9.5 runs a game. They’re a juggernaut. I’m handling them just fine.
Even if I am throwing 40 pitches per inning.
I’m settling in now. I probably won’t allow another run until June.
I could get used to this 1-2-3 inning thing from Kerry…
Du-bee is gonna lead off next inning w/a bomb
Sloth, buddy, I play with Mark Grace for a long time. He turn me on to the rancid snapper, buddy.
Kurt:
Not only that, but Wood’s said that Maddux knows the umps and that this is part of Maddux’s success. Wood doesn’t know the umps at all. Wood also said he doesn’t know why he doesn’t do what Maddux does.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=wojciechowski_gene&id=2031957
Just trying to fit in, Dusty.
That fourth inning flew by…
Damn … the last time the Cubs got the ball out of the infield (hit or out) was the first of the 2nd inning — Barrett’s double.
That Burnitz AB? It would have been three pitches for me, buddy. I would have swung at all of them!
I am a gladiator, buddy!
Definitely not Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
More like, Oooh, Icy Stare!
I am getting an MRI for my strained calf.
Must not be drinking enough water.
Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Isn’t it just like me to get hurt on “non-contract” year?
That Moises, he sure knows how to join a new team doesn’t he?
Do we all remember why he missed his first ever start as a Cub?
Yes, he strained his calf…while standing in the outfield in a spring training game.
Hit that, bitches!
Actually, I thought he was scratched after he hurt his calf standing around in the Wrigley outfield before the start of the home opener.
CT,
I will not be deterred by the facts.
Also,
I will not be the turd by the fax.
“Boy, you think about this booth, with the Hall of Famers Jack Brickhouse and Harry Caray…”
“…and the assclowns like Milo and Chip…”
I wouldn’t have brought it up, except that I think it’s even funnier that he got hurt 10 minutes before the first game, when there was no possible way to replace him.
Not to get any suspicions up in the air, but I don’t think that was the first time Len used the “drilled” description on a weak flare pop out.
Corey,
Put the ball in play. Good things will happen.
Is that a single and an error, or a two base error?
Probably a two-base error.
Anyone remember that ESPN anchor Cara Capuano?
A Southern California native, Capuano graduated Summa Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa with a degree in Cell Biology and Biochemistry from UC San Diego in 1995. She spent a year working on her doctorate at UCLA before deciding to leave the laboratory and pursue her dream career in sportscasting.
Who knew?
Who cares?
Sorry. Slow day at work.
I’m pretty sure we were both right (wrong). I think he got hurt in warmups and I think it was before the 2002 opener in Cincinnati.
Heh. Cum.
Who knew Chuck was scoring?
I always got her and Cara Henderson confused. Except Cara Henderson is hotter.
Capuano is so attentive to the runners it makes you wonder what would happen if we could get more than one every few innings.
Any Dose today?
Kasper sucks. He hasn’t said, “Swung on….belted” even once.
I would have used it nine times by now, including Corey’s bunt.
Mia Hamm is looking like she’s 55 and is the owner of a leather crotch.
Chip, you forgot: LASER BEAM!
No Dose for you!
I swear I heard Chip once call a hit by Biggio a “pocket rocket.”
I wonder if Peter Angelos advertises on the Nationals’ broadcasts too…
Wow … Kerry’s our first starter to go more than 5 innings.
Carlos……..Yes what a piece of hitting on that duck snort.
Sure, Carlos Lee is 2-3, but he’s got a bad attitude. Besides, Luis Vizcaino is way ahead of his home run pace.
Uh oh… We are going to go from bad to Wuertz!!!
DP coming up…
He does.
I just figured out: Len Kasper is Dan McLaughlin. Only Len is not a douchebag.
Angelos also gets to pick which games are on tv.
So, you think it’s funny that Carlos makes fun of me and slaps me in the back of the neck and I feel so bad that I go home and cry like a little girl? Hey wait, you’re right, that is funny.
96 pitches. 50 stikes, 46 balls. 4 BB, 3 Ks. 2 Runs
Decent game. Not dominating standards.
I’m too big
He’s going to walk this game tied.
Me encantan los tacos.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I am in midseason form already.
What was the total for Wood 103 pitches and 51 strikes? Woof.
Hey , that’s 6 k’s dammit!
Now we see why you don’t win 15. And only idiots call you Cy Young.
That’s appropriate.
Dusty leaves Wood in a batter too long, when it was obvious he was done, when the younger Wuertz was a better option. Wood then walks in the tying run and now won’t get the win he could have had if Wuertz comes in to face Branyan, who everyone had to know Wood wasn’t going to get out.
Wouldn’t “Woof!” be good and “Arf!” be bad?
Do we need to start a running tally of walked-in runs this year? I believe we have 2 already.
Same old Kerry Wood.
Same old Dusty Baker.
What…nobody?
We literally went from Bad to Wuertz.
Nice catch by little Jerry.
Phew!
I meant 7, dammit!
Unbelievable. The $10.83mm man can’t get Miller or Branyan out and it’s Dusty’s fault.
BC, Branyan is a strikeout artist. Kerry Wood is a strikeout artist.
I’m not so sure I leave Wood in, but I wouldn’t take this up with Dusty. Kerry COULDA thrown a strike, y’know.
Hey… Remember the one runner that was at third base with only one out that we couldn’t get in? It’s looking kind of important now, isn’t it?
And people wonder why I harp on the subject of being able to manufacture runs… Because this team is going to play close games such as this one all season long. We must get those kinds of runs in to win ballgames… It’s that simple…
HAHAH! You idiot, Wood! Now you know why I stared in to the bullpen like a pussy when the bases were loaded. I’d have gotten the ‘W’ in this game!!
Little Jerry, heh. Are we going to enter him in a cockfight?
Yeah, I think Kerry Wood’s going to need to find a way to get Damian Miller out. That’s guy’s a monster.
Jeff Cirillo in the bullpen!
From Andy:
“What…nobody?
We literally went from Bad to Wuertz.”
You need to check out my post from 2:58.
Thanks. You can send the check anytime you want…
Better warm up the pipes, Masur. It’s getting to be that time.
I just called BC out with that “manufacture runs” comment.
Send a check to me too…I posted something…
BC, we wonder why you harp on any subject.
No win for Kid K today….I’m SHOCKED, I tellya. Shocked!
This is why he can’t win 15. When he needed to make a good pitch, he walks Paul Bunyan. What, was his blue ox making too much noise for you to concentrate?
The CHECK? Did Andy skip out on the dinner check, BC? We’ll have to trade stories sometime.
And you are really not alone on “harping” about manufacturing runs. I think most Cubs fans are doing the exact same thing. I mean, I’m practically violently retarded and even I get it.
We wonder why you harp on the stranded runners because you are the master of the obvious, not because the runs are not important.
By the way, I’m an assclown.
Can you post pictures here anymore?
Uh, guys…it’s called “creating” runs. Manufacturing sounds like an assembly line, dude.
I mean, ha, that’s messed up and stuff, dude.
Runners at first and second, nobody out…
Don’t even risk the strikeout with Dubois here Dusty…
[b]BUNT!!![/b]
And of course Dubois strikes out.
Good grief.
And Kasper immediately agrees.
Screw the bunt, I like the strikeout, dude.
Ummm Dubois is NOT a bunter. Helloooooo.
It’s “orchestrating runs.”
DuBois strikes out and it’s Dusty’s FAULT!
Kasper immediately agrees with Dusty’s decision not to bunt Dubois, which was of course the wrong decision with Burnitz behind him, and with Burnitz being a veteran who should know the situation and get a flyball to score the go-ahead run, the situation might have just worked if we had bunted. Which we didn’t.
Hey, if you can’t count on Burnitz to come through here, then who can you count on?
Burnitz watches a lot of strikes doesn’t he?
How do you like me now, bitches?
Look, as I showcase my cannon.
Dude…where was the fly ball Burnitz? Dusty’s gonna be pissed. This is all his fault.
Burnitz gets a hit, saving Dusty and Dubois in the process.
At least I won’t be pissed until LaTroy blows it in the ninth.
I hope I get to PH this inning!
For those of you scoring at home:
Our right fielder shortened his swing on a 2-strike count and shot a ball through the infield for an RBI, giving the Cubs the lead.
0 misprints and typos there, folks!
Saving Dusty and DuBois? From what? Are the Ligues at the game? BC, I think you need to get a bit of a grip.
Holly will be first off the bench if Capuano comes out here…
Hahahahaa….yes, THANK YOU, JEROMY!!!!! for saving us from the wrath of BC.
Nice rack there.
I ain’t going to Illinois with BC there, no matter how much Deion Thomas pays me.
Anyone hear that utterly horrific line just said on air?
“Jose Macias had a bat.”
We’re not testing the arm of Ge-Off?
[img]http://www.ryanjoseph.com/~everet/everet/–_Eye_Candy_–/eliza%20dushku%20-%20sexy%20brunette%20in%20a%20bikini%20(1).jpg[/img]
BC, you can’t bunt if you are not a bunter. To ask Dubois to bunt would be incredibly stupid. The man is a slugger. That is it. If you wanted a bunt in that situation then Macias or Perez should of pinch hit for him.
OK. I guess images are a no-go.
No, I took my act to Kane county, the cougars 3rd base coach cut me off on the ike last week. Dusty and Doo-bwah are safe.
I tried the link in my browser…no dice…
Well, at least he hit that flyball to the outfield.
This is progress… Last year it would have stayed in the infield or it would have been a strikeout. Once we get to hitting those flyballs somewhat deep, we’ll be in good shpe.
Two things I haven’t been able to fix yet are no photos posted in the comments and why the e-mail address won’t show up when you include it in the comments form. They both can be done, I just haven’t fixed them yet.
William, I don’t think your ankle bracelet will let you go all the way to Kane County.
Oh shit.
MikeCâ€â€Brutha, you are gonna get a headlock and sunset flip if you keep using “should of” instead of “should have.”
Whatchu gonna do, brutha?!
Colon Blow and you-u-u-u in the morning!
Warning: may cause abdominal distention. Consult a physician.
“Once we get to hitting those flyballs somewhat deep, we’ll be in good shpe. ”
I was afraid we weren’t going to get that kind of hard hitting analysis now that Chip is gone.
But if we hit those flyballs too deep, they’ll be home runs! And we HATE home runs!
Who was saying should of? Help me out…I can hear nothing…
*shape, not shpe.
Well, I guess I should be happy we scored in that inning, but we also left at least one run on the basepaths.
If we had bunted with nobody out or hit a deeper flyball with one out, it would be 4-2 right now.
If Wood had been taken out a batter earlier, it would be 4-1 right now.
If we had scored that run in from third base with only one out earlier in the game, it would be 5-1 right now.
So, essentially, we have left two runs on the basepaths and given the Brewers a run they wouldn’t have gotten if the right decision had been made. Let’s see if we can survive this and win this one.
Did anybody else see the commercial in the pre-game show (no, it wasn’t a Dan Roan Rogaine ad) with the women talking about how they wet their pants?
I want to be in a conference room cooking up a plan to advertise that boy when somebody goes, ‘You know who the perfect audience for this drug would be?’
“Cubs fans!”
And no, it’s not called “Oops, I pissed my pants” but it should be.
And, if I hadn’t been drunk that night, we wouldn’t have to read any of this shit.
Plunger! Stat!
Len just asked Ernie Banks, “Are you singing tenor?”
And Ernie, much like Koby Clemens blurted out “Let’s play two!”
Ernie’s a fine old man, but he’s as dumb as a post.
Never, ever, buy condoms from a machine in a gas station bathroom.
It’s fun how BC says, “will we survive?” Like if we lose, the team gets executed in cold blood.
The Chad Fox experiment is going to end messily.
BC,
I had no idea both of your parents were readers!
And the check is in the mail.
Did Glendon just evaporate from the bullpen?
Fine, have all those other Hall of Fame assholes to the park on Opening Day. Retire Santo’s number and not mine. Bastards.
Santo, Sandberg, Williams, and Banks…who does not seem to fit in with this group?Hmmm???
You can see, I really do not care.
Shhhh!
You have to observe the game, not watch it!
Screw you Fergie, we thought you were trying to find another wife to bury.
I’ve been lobbying MLB for years that this game is too hitter oriented. The only way to even it up would be to give pitchers *five* balls for a walk.
Yeah….that’s the ticket…
This is not going well for Chad Fox
The Cubs’ pitchers might be union, but they’re not Teamsters. Teamsters actually strike once and a while.
Why didn’t Glendon come in to face lefty Overbay, righty Lee, lefty Jenkins?
I think I saw this inning before.
Dude, what do you think Larry? Should we leave him in? I think he’s good for one more batter, dude.
Whatever Santo. At this rate, when you get into the Hall, you’ll be able to fit in a cigar box.
I’ve seen this movie before…
Chad’s gonna walk Lee and it’s going to be Dusty’s FAULT!
Phew!
El Cabaj-NO!
Two out.
When Santo makes the hall, they’ll dip what’s left of him in bronze and put it on a dais.
This is when having a lefty reliever who can’t get lefties out becomes a real benefit.
And it was nice of Carlos Lee to swing at a pitch about four feet outside and pop it up. He’d fit right in with the Cubs.
See! Carlos Lee should of bunted.
I’m in my stables cleaning horse dung right now. Frankly that’s a better place to be than the booth at Wrigley. Especially after Pat has done his business.
Goddamn Brady Clark got there. When that little !@#% tries to score, I’ma shove the shit outta him!
Oops, got LUCKY there. My rage is out of control, I can’t even type!
Why do a double switch to move your pitcher UP in the order? Just wondering
unhhh huhhhh
Looks like Jenkins fouled that pitch off his nuts. That has to be fun.
NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I once fouled Jenkins’ nuts.
Sorry, I jumped the gun a little there….
We’re not honoring the living Cubs Hall of Famers. We’re honoring the guys who’s numbers we have retired and are going to (Ryne…in June or whenever it is). Fergie can come back when Maddux is done with his.
Talk about a pump-fake…thanks Santo!
Uh, excuse me, Geoff. Were you looking for me?
It looks like Remlinger can still get a lefty out when he has to.
The Cubs are alive, in two thousand and …………..
FIVE!!!!!
Dusty barely got out of that inning…but he hung in there and pitched pretty well.
Now, let’s see…who’s leading off the next inning?
Dusty, followed by D. Baker, then Johnny B. to clean up.
Remember when I struck out Jason Giambi in a big spot 2 years ago? I’m BACK, baby!
Come on! Give me an infield hit!
I moved Remlinger up in the order because I’m going to double switch again when his spot comes up in order to get Goodwin into the game. What? Where the hell is Goodwin?
Stattracker says Corey singled to short…did he bunt for that single?
What happened? Is it Dusty’s fault?
Is Ryne’s new wife named Morgan?
If so. How ironic.
I’m in Sammy’s old locker. No, I’m in Alou’s old locker. No, I’m in Korey’s locker.
Aw, prairie shite. It’s a travelling trophy.
Corey hit one up the middle, the pitcher knocked it down, but Hardy couldn’t get a throw off.
Thanks Andy…
I don’t like Jerry Hairston yet.
Her name is Margaret.
Better get this inning over with…we’re on our way.
I misheard Ryne then.
Oh well. Never mind.
That means I’ll get worse.
I’ve changed Daylight Savings Time with the Wrigley shadows in mind!
Who pitches the 8th?
You should probably clear that with Peter Angelos first, congressman Upton.
I’ve gotten a little more talkative behind the mic after my being voted in.
I remember the Braves home opener last year doing a guest gig on TBS, and boy did I say next to nothing.
Well, I used Rem and Fox already…Larry, get Guthrie up in the pen. What? Where the hell’s Guthrie?
HoHoKamper, I was in the on-deck circle last half inning.
The shadows may be lurking, but don’t forget, so am I. This could be a one run game.
Hey Midge, hows about a Flaming Moe?
Dusty, you want Woody or Arlo?
:Viewing Remo’s pitches on MLB Gamecast:
Nice grouping!
What should I use?
Kerosene
Diesel or
Rubbing Alcohol?
There’s a LaTroy sighting.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’m healthy or because the Brewers suck, but I’m back, baby!
Remmy…yes, that makes sense…
I forgot he wasn’t done yet.
Come on LaTroy…you have to make up for the silly homer in garbage time the other day. You’re going to ruin my fantasy team…
I mean, Dusty’s going to ruin my fantasy team
There’s a Jose Macias sighting.
Whoo! I hit that about twenty feet!
LaTroy preparing for the 9th?
It’s gut-check time! Who brought the vomit bags?
Oh shit.
That sound you hear is my knees knocking.
That scent you smell is my shit streaming.
That sight you see is the ball sailing.
It’s the top of the 9th and I’m pitching!
Well, its almost 420 and LaTroy’s taking the mound.
I think I smell something burning..
It’s just cloves, dude!
Unfortunately (Or fortunately, depending on your point of view), I have to get off of here and hit the road so I can get somewhere by 6 PM.
I know you all love me, so you are disappointed. Right? Right?
Oh, who am I kidding?
I’ll light his celebratory doobie if he gets through this one!
My prediction: in three pitches, it’ll be a tie ballgame. In seven pitches, the Cubs will be losing.
I love you BC. Why don’t you come over to my place later tonight?
Kurt, at least he’s effecient.
Well, I’m 0 for 1
You’re busy tonight, Jeff.
You and your gorgeous ass.
I’ve turned over a new leaf, dudes!
Wait, these are all stems!
You’re just waiting for Saddam to croak, aren’t you? You’re going to replace me! I know it! bwaaaaaaaa
Will somebody find the lady sitting by the field mic who yells “Come on” at the beginning of every pitch and please have her killed?
Don’t throw a strike…
0 and 2 on a guy? What could possibly go wrong?
Sorry Andy, it’s Pannazo, and we’re all out of silver bullets.
I could’ve caught that one, buddy.
Muhhahahahahaha!!!
We just flew in from Dahmer’s place, and boy are our arms missing.
How do you like the pathetic loser holding the “Bring Back Stoney” sign behind home plate?
I didn’t know Steve had tickets today.
deep breath….
I love The Pannozzo!
LaTroy let a guy get on. *waits for the first wail of doom*
Andy, is that the same fat lady who keeps yelling “SWING!”
I like Pannozzo, especially after a nice big meal…it really takes the edge off…
The Cubs a strike away from winning? I ask again, what could possibly go wrong?
I believe there’s a guy near that lady doing the “Hey batta batta” thing.
Is a pannozzo anything like a samsoa? We got those tonight.
Well, glad we put Holly in for defense.
Welcome to Cubs baseball!
Muhhahahahahaha!!!
Todd Hollandsworth a defensive replacement?
Bastards.
These blown one run saves won’t haunt us.
Does the voice make your ears bleed? Then it’s probably Mike Murphy.
I like to use veterans as defensive replacements, dude. They know how to play the game, dude.
Well, there goes your doobie, LaTroy
What’d Hollandsworth do?
Don’t worry LaTroy, they’re not saying “boo” they’re saying “F@#$ you!”
0 and 2 on a guy? What could possibly go wrong?
Now I’ll say it…
NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Games in April don’t count as much as games in September.
That’s the last time I take advice from my mullet.
Dusty Baker blew it in the ninth again, eh?
Why is Hawkins not hitting for himself?
Nomar homer to win it…
We can’t possibly hit the great Tommy Phelps.
JG, Hawkins is higher in the order after a double switch earlier in the game. The same double switch that put Hollandsworth in the 9th spot.
Hawkins pitched well. Was a great pitch Overbay hit. Off the plate and he was able to take it down the line. Blame this one Hollandsworth, not Hawkins.
Just my opinion.
Hollandsworth also represents the tying run.
Nothing fun about these fundamentals.
My fault dude.
winning run, unless I’m mistaken…
Tough day for Hairston the Lesser
tying run, jackass, last inning
Fungamentals is what it is.
JG, I am not sure how I am a jackass here.
Hollandsworth allowed the tying run, he does not represent the tying run. The score is tied. He was on base. He represented the winning run.
Right?
….er…I mean Corey Patterson.
Maybe he resented the winning rung.
Que? I still no speak.
are you the same guy who went to Mesa and thought nobody believed you?
What’s up now? Is there a pitching change?
If this stuff keeps up, I’m going to have to change the Goat Riders banner.
Ozzie es el pollo.
No, JG, I am the one who lives in Scottsdale.
Which is why I can’t watch this game. Which is why I am trying to keep track of what’s going on.
Which is why I was trying to get clarification on the Hollandsworth situation…
So, what do you guys here think of Ozzieball?
How many times does the manager/coach have to make the same mistake in order for him to get fired?
if this was basketball, soccer, lacrosse or badminton, dusty’s ass would have been toast already.
LATROY, AGAIN????
there should be a parental guidance warning when he enters to close the ninth.
I’m getting too old for this crap…
Dusty is trying to kill us all…obviously.
Wow, what a great swing.
I love Ozzieball, Mariposa Jim.
And Dusty strikes out to end the inning…
Rock and Roll Part II!
Remember when I never used to strike out? That rocked.
Oh no. As bad as Hawkins has been, it’s Rusch now? Did he get a single out this Spring?
F#%k Cubs fans!!!!!!!!!! I can do ALL your jobs, but none of you can blow saves the way I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good move Dusty! Take out the best hitter in the lineup.
Fucking idiot.
This is going to end badly.
LaTroy you dope, none of us have jobs.
I get paid to strike out, buddy!
Corp. Todd Walker isn’t even in yet.
Great home opener. One blown save already and the boo birds come out on both Latroy’s and Korey’s asses. What ass clowns? You think Jim Hendry is still dwelling on that off season trade for a closer move he should have made.
Baker Basher
Did some little kid shout “Neifi you stink!” ?
Hey Jenkins! You stink!
LaTroy you could only do the jobs of 85 percent of the c@#$suckers!
Walker hasn’t batted yet…but Macias has.
Do my eyes deceive me? Did Dusty really take Nomar out for !Neifi!
I got good stuff today!
I told Dusty he could only use Nomie for nine innings. Dusty knows better than to mess with me.
Why does Baker Basher keep signing his posts? We can see your name next to the “Intrepid Reader”.
And history is made. Russ Branyan’s first sac bunt…ever.
Great.
Bunting…that’ll never work.
If Dusty is going to intentionally walk JJ Hardy (which he should be with runners at second and third and one out) why bring in the Ice Man to walk him? Let Glendon do it. If he doesn’t walk Hardy he’s a dope. You need to set up the double play.
Unless, he’s worried that Glendon would throw one of the intentional walk pitches over the screen.
It’s not to early to say’s it’s still early.
I love to warm up in the bullpen. Warm up on the mound. Then throw four intentional balls and then try and get somebody out. That’s the kind of challenge I yearn for!
Dusty is banking on the strikeout. He loves those. Why else would he coach a team where the hitters do it so often, and the pitchers set records for the most in a season every other year?
Only Michael Barrett can get hurt warming up a pitcher.
Can I just say that pitching to Hardy is dumb. Even if he is a rookie.
If you let Glendon do it, then you don’t have the option to change pitchers after Leister comes in if Milwaukee pinch hits.
Since Ice Man was the only guy warming up and Glendon couldn’t get anybody out it didn’t matter.
Instead they had Ice Man do the “unintentional” intentional walk, and were lucky he didn’t skip one past Barrett to the screen.
The good news is: Neifi Perez is due up 2nd in the bottom of this inning!
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m a genius.
Ok, ass saving.
End this fucker!
NOT Bill HALL!
I’m ending this bad boy.
Watch me.
What happened?
I was misquoted. I said, “I’m a genius, dude.”
Lineout to D. Lee, steps on first for the double play.
Liner to first for a double play. I had it all under control.
How often does a player make a spectacular defensive play, then bat at the top of the next inning, and make a spectacular offensive play?
Hor-hay de la Rosa has a twin sister named Hey-whore.
This is going to be a long-ass season.
My girlfriend’s mad at me because I jinxed DLee’s at bat.
Not as many times as the annoucers ask that question, Kurt.
The Cubs sure like to take walks.
Come on Bernie…
My favorite thing to do is sit on the goddamn bench.
Seriously…we had to take Nomar out and make a double-switch, when we still had Neifi AND Walker on the bench? Come ON! Let the pitcher’s spot come up in the order and pinch hit for him! That way you get to leave your BEST F#cking hitter int he game.
And that really IS Dusty’s fault
My favorite thing to do is tell the team that walks are overrated, while watching our opponents beat us regularly by drawing lots of walks and getting hits with men on base.
My favorite thing to do is say, screw this, it’s time for dinner.
I think this will become a looooong year.
Maybe I should close
Maybe you should throw a strike.
Someone must have told the Cub pitchers that today is the Ron Santo Walk for Diabetes at the ballpark today.
Living dangerously.
Why does Aramis have to go and try for the tag and freak me out by not getting it and what not?
Welp, its time for work. Fuck!
Way to take a walk Jerry!
If Corey gets on I hope Nomar can win it.
Oh wait.
Go Corey! 1 for 6!
Corey was too patient there. When has that ever happened?
This is not good… hey, can Dusty pinch hit with Macias again next inning?
Oh God, you send Leicster back out there?
Thank god I’m playing tomorrow. You people need a hero!
I have a feeling we are going to lose!!
I am bad.
Hooray for John Leicester getting that srtikeout
Geez..horray for hitting Brady Clark John Leicester..
He didn’t ask about the jacket, Len…
…damn
Gee, you mean I finally got burned?
Wait, now he puts Walker in and takes Ice Man out?
Well, the Ice Man was not meant to go past 2 innings…This is such crap…
GOD!
Good God – Baker has managed this game at the level of a retard.
Walker comes in as a defensive replacement? In the 12th? With the lead already blown?
And Nomar came out for Neifi in the 9th!?!?!
Ok, Baker Basher…sign me up!
Hey look, it’s Todd Walker
Man, I don’t even want in on this game.
I think this could be a long season. The Cubs really need to get Borowski back or find a closer. You would think between the Twins and last season Baker would realize that Lapieceofshit Hawkins is not a closer!!
..Looks like the Cubs are picking up just where they left off last year. I think its time not to follow them so closely for a while.
umm…ick
Hey we’re three games back after four games!!!!!!!! what a start!!!!!!!!
It does not take a baseball genius to figure out that the quality teams are supposed to beat up on the marginal teams. I thought that meant that the Cubs are supposed to fatten up on the Brewers and the Diamondbacks. I guess that I had it backwards.
What a way to lose a home opener? Walks, walks, walks, walks and more walks. The sad thing is about the only pitcher to actually throw consistent strikes is the pitcher that is pissing down his leg and knows he is done before he even starts and that is Hawkins.
Like I said the other night, this Cub organization hasn’t learned a damn thing this whole off season. Kerry Wood proved today again his inconsistency with his wild pitching. Kerry, the object isn’t to go 50-50 on the balls to strikes ratio. He needs to get some advice from Hawkins with maybe how to throw strikes and Hawkins needs Kerry’s advice how to throw more balls. Both of them needs to grow a pair of balls.
Dusty was up to his idiotic moves carrying over from last year. Using Macias and Perez again in spots that proved to be useless. Not knowing how to manage a bullpen like always.
Hairston Jr. is going to suck this year and Korey Patterson will be booed out of Chicago once and for all. This kid is just not meant to play here. Why not trade him and actually get a quality closer? I think that is more important then a guy that is quick but yet never gets on base to use his speed and strikes out a ton. He does have good defense, but do you really think that is going to be that valuable to where you can’t replace that? My question is, when was the last time the Cub organization actually produced a descent position player besides a pitcher. They’re dreaming with this piece of shit. Give it up and give it a rest. I’m with Chuck on this one, I was sick of Korey last year and am already agitated with him. He definitely has and will take the place of my Cub punching bag, which Farnsworthless occupied last year.
These kinds of losses will be consistent this year and Dusty’s bad decision making will persist and his job will be no more in Chicago.
As fans, just try to enjoy the little things, like Dubois picking up some runs and Wuertz performing well in the first couple games. Those types of things are all we’re going to have this year. Don’t worry because we will get the last laugh when Baker packs his bags and leaves town at the end of the season. We will still be left with these loser players though and long live the lovable loser tag.
Baker Basher
Go fuck yourself, dude.
Seriously, I need to just go the fuck away. Even I hate myself. I am a pompous, know nothing ignoramus. I am the worst writer ever. I am also more queer than Tim Kurkijan, which most people would find impossible.
Gotta love those O’s! Yeah!!!!!
Notice that in every inning I had an at-bat, we scored at least one run.
Obviously, I need to play every day.
Baker Basher? More like Baker Bitcher. Jesus guy, have you ever considered, oh I don’t know, waiting to cry chicken little until say, JUNE? Christ, no wonder the Cubs players come off as so whiney all the time. They get it from their fans!
In case anyone forgot, I’m an asshole.
Don’t worry el cebolla, no one forgot.
Same here, we always knew you were a dick.
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