The calendar says March 28, the weather says February 23 and thankfully pets can’t talk, or mine would be saying, “Put some pants on when you type, for chrissakes!”

It’s time for another exciting, inspiring, then inevitably disappointing Cubs season.

Ahh, spring. The time when Cubs fans get our hopes up, only to have them smashed out of the sky and bludgeoned with the force of a Jeff Blauer pop up.

For some reason, the Cubs have become the darlings of the national media. ESPN can’t say enough nice things about the Cubs. Spanish-yes.com has the Cubs ranked as a better team than the White Sox. Redbook magazine even rated Wrigley Field as the nicest place to sit on a quilt.

So it’s time to do what we always do. Patiently go through the Cubs roster one man at a time and figure out what we’ve got. Here’s a hint. If it carries a bat, it ain’t much.

Sammy Sosa— Because it’s the law, every Cubs Report begins with Sammy. The greatest single offensive force in the National League is back for another go around. This time he needs only one homer for the 500th of his career. According to my math, he needs 101 for 600. See how quickly I can add? Impressive, I know.

Sammy has done everything right this spring. He showed up on time. He turned down his boombox. He threw a party for the team at his hacienda in Mesa. He even takes time to help Moises Alou get in and out of his wheelchair every morning. What a guy!

Sammy is poised for another huge year. What would really help the Cubs would be if they could get the National League to pass a rule that says Sammy can bat third and seventh in the lineup every day.

Moises Alou— Moises took a long look at last season and made an important decision. He decided that this offseason he’d actually work out. Hey, what a good idea! If I were a Major Leaguer, I’d be tempted to sit around the house all winter playing Madden 2003, too. But this time, Moises said he wanted to do more. He wanted to come in to camp in great shape. So, he designed a workout regime to help him do just that. He shared it with Desipio. It’s an exclusive just to us.

7 a.m. — Wake up
7:45 a.m. — Get out of bed
8 a.m. — Breakfast of grapefruit, orange juice and little chocolate doughnuts
8:30 a.m. — Nap
Noon — Wake up from nap
1 p.m. — Lunch of whole wheat pasta, marinara sauce and little chocolate doughnuts
2 p.m. — Do four sit ups
3 p.m. — Do six push ups
4 p.m. — Watch tape of game seven of 1997 World Series
7 p.m. — Call Livan Hernandez and bully him into sending the World Series MVP to the guy who “earned it.”
7:15 p.m. — Dinner of baked chicken breast, wild rice, chocolate doughnuts and 12 pack of Michelob Ultra
8: 15 p.m. — Nap
11 p.m. — Wake up from nap and get ready for bed
11:30 p.m. — Lights out

As you can see. We can expect big things from Moises this year. I can hardly wait.

Corey Patterson— Wanting to take some pressure off the still young Patterson, Dusty Baker has decided to put Corey in the sixth spot in the order and leave him there this year. That’s great. Because last year, he actually batted for a higher average with more walks in the first and second spots in the order. But hey, why mess with the Daily Double of Mark Grudzielanek and Alex Gonzalez?

People need to be patient with Corey. He’s still a babe in the woods, he’ll be 23 this year and unless he stops chasing pop-ups like he did last September, there’s still a lot to like.

Hee Seop Choi— Dusty calls him Big Choi all the time. How long before he shortens it to just Big? If anything, more than any other player, Big earned a full-time job with his spring performance. He made all the plays at first base, he hit righties and lefties and he gets to platoon with Eric Karros.

The comforting thing about Cubs baseball is that some things never change. Ever.

The best thing about Hee Seop Choi of course is that he’s not Fred McGriff. And, he never will be. So we have that going for us.

Mark Grudzielanek— The poster boy for mediocrity gets to lead off the season for the Cubs on Monday. How fitting is that? His career on base average is barely .300 points higher than yours is. This, as we all know, is not a good thing.

At this point in his career, Mark is very good at two things. Popping out weakly to third base and cashing very large pay checks.

We should all be so lucky.

Alex Gonzalez— He is what he is. A chronic underachiever. Blessed with the perfect body and skill set to be a Major League shortstop, he’s never put it all together. He has power. He has speed. He has no clue what the strike zone is. What we will get is much more consistent defensive play from him in his second go around in the National League. He’ll be batting right behind Mark Grudzielanek to open the season and the first time Chip Caray refers to them as “the killer G’s” I’m Going to Gag myself.

Mark Bellhorn— The 457th man to play third base since Ron Santo packed it in, Bellhorn had a great season last year. He’s a switch hitter which means he wears the stupid little league batting helmet with both ear flaps. It also means that he gets to strike out on outside sliders in the dirt from both sides of the plate! But Bellhorn has made himself a pretty good hitter. His bat is more valuable at second than at third, but considering the Cubs past at third, anything close to his homer total from last year should cause the team to carry him off the field on their shoulders. Cross your fingers. Mark could be the best Cubs third baseman since…dare I say it?…Vance Law!

Damian Miller— Already mentioned in two prominent rounds of trade talks before he even plays one regular season game as a Cub, Miller can do no wrong. Simply because he is not Todd Hundley. Replacing the most villified Cub since Mel Rojas, Miller brings an excellent glove and arm and a very mediocre bat to the team. Compared to the punchless wonders of Hundley and the amazingly still employed Joe Girardi, Miller’s Johnny Bench.

Troy O’Leary— He hit over .400 this spring, and did a very nice job as a part-timer in Montreal last year. This, of course, amazes me to no end because as we all know, Troy is a walking corpse. Troy is Moises Alou from the left side. Dusty Baker likes him because he doesn’t mind being on the bench. I’ve got news for you Dusty, Troy likes the bench because he gets to sit on it for three hours a day. It’s comfy. He’s insurance for the inevitable Moises Alou calf/back/ribcage/ego injury. Whoop de damn do.

Tom Goodwin— Goodwin made the team because the Cubs needed a backup centerfielder. That’s…uh…great? There’s only one problem. Tom Goodwin can’t hit! He’s blazingly fast, but can’t get on first base so he can steal second. His value could come mostly as a late inning defensive replacement and pinch runner. But we all know what’ll happen. This is the franchise that put a 40 year old Willie Wilson in center field every day one year. Sigh.

Lenny Harris— The all-time pinch hit leader, Lenny can rake from the left side. That’s good. He likes to pinch hit and he’s good at it. The Cubs haven’t had a decent pinch hitter since Dave Hansen. Dave Hansen! One of the unsung aspects of the 1989 Cubs was that they had Lloyd McClendon and Gary Varsho on the team to provide hits in a pinch. While Lenny can’t actually play a position, I actually like that he’s on the team. So there.

Paul Bako— The “worst player in baseball” discussion contains very few names. Sure Joe Girardi is on the list, but so is Paul Bako. It only makes sense then, that the Cubs would replace Joe with Paul. I find it humorous that he’s supposed to be an asset because he bats lefthanded. Does it really matter which side of the plate you stand on if you’re not going to actually hit the ball?

Eric Karros— Once upon a time Eric Karros used to hit 25 homers and drive in 90 runs every year for the Dodgers. That was great. It also only made him marginally more productive than the Cubs marginally productive Mark Grace. Not only is Eric older, and of ill-health, but he’s on the team and standing in the way of the only bona-fide young talent on the team. This is so Cub.

Ramon Martinez— Lost amid the “well, we need to send Bobby Hill to Iowa” crap this week was the fact that neither of his replacements, Grudzielanek or Ramon were outhitting Bobby. Dusty loves Ramon Martinez. I love Elizabeth Shue, but she won’t be taking up a roster spot on my baseball team this summer. For those who want to get a read on the abilities of Ramon, think of Rey Sanchez without the sure hands. Guh.

Kerry Wood— Every winter I kick back, drink my body weight in malt liquor and convince myself that this will be the year that Kerry wins 20 games and strikes out 300 guys. It could happen. And, the moon could smash into the Earth, too. I hope I’m wrong, but I think we need to face the fact that Kerry is too frail to ever be the stud we all want him to be. I don’t mean that his right arm will fall off again. But it’s always something with him. He’s got a blister. He’s got an inner ear infection. He’s got a bad hamstring. He’s got whooping cough. He’s got irritiable bowel syndrome. It’s always something. Regardless, even with his problems, he’s a damn good pitcher. Had the bullpen not imploded time and again last year, Kerry would have won 17 games. He’s also the toughest, meanest guy when he gets on the field and as many guys as he beans during the course of the year—have you ever seen a batter even think about charging the mound?

Mark Prior— Is he really a Cub? I mean, really? Did this really happen? Has the dominant pitcher of his generation fallen into the Cubs lap? You bet he has. Power, consistency, poise beyond his years and calves the size of…calves (moo). Prior is the total package. Like Choi, he’s the perfect Cubs prospect. One too talented to screw up.

Matt Clement— San Diego got impatient with him and traded him to Florida. The Marlins saw a chance to dump his $4 million salary and they traded him with El Pulpo to the Cubs. Who knew? What the Cubs got was a Kevin Brown clone who learned to throw strikes and mow down National League hitters. If you don’t think the Cubs are improved, think back to every year since Greg Maddux left and on how many of those staffs would Matt Clement have not been the best pitcher they had? On this one, he’s the third best.

Shawn Estes— For some reason every manager says he needs a lefthanded starter. Is it folly? Most likely. But the Cubs went out and got a lefty to keep Dusty Baker happy. Estes had a disastrous 2002 season. One in which the most memorable thing he did was try to hit Roger Clemens with a pitch…and missed him. How does that happen? Roger’s ass is the size of a compact car. How could you miss it? Whatever the reason, the Estes who toiled this spring, looked more like the former 19 game winner in San Francisco. Some things you don’t question. You just let them happen.

Carlos Zambrano— If you read this space you already know my manly love for Carlos Zambrano. Sometime in August his light went on and he mowed down–well, pretty much the league after that just confirmed what I had suspected. Carlos is good. It’s fine to root for Juan Cruz. It is. Just don’t try and sell me that crap that the wrong guy is in the rotation. I’m not buying.

El Pulpo— The genetic freak that is the Cubs closer went out and hurt himself on a rainy day in Mesa. The sight of him doing the splits harkened back to when George Lucas re-edited the first “Star Wars” movie and made it so you could see Jabba the Hut slither along the floor of the hangar. That was a long way to go for that, huh? How much do we want to bet that six weeks of hammy rehab just insures that Pulpo gains his weight back? He has to have a better year. He couldn’t hardly be any worse.

The Farns— Somehow, I forgot him last time. I made sure not to forget our tight panted pal this time. He showed up this spring and professed that he’s a new man. He doesn’t drink anymore. (He doesn’t drink any less either—rimshot please!) and he’s committed to actually throwing pitches that make it to the catcher this year. Atta boy, Farns!

Dave Veres— He’ll likely be the closer when the season starts and he’ll likely remind us why the Cardinals didn’t re-sign him.

Mark Guthrie— Last year the Cubs had no lefties in the bullpen for a long stretch. And that was before Jeff Fassero was sent to sabotage the Cardinals pennant hopes! This year, they spent good money on two quality lefties. Our pal Mark…

…and our pal Mike Remlinger— I’m always dubious of any pitcher the Braves don’t keep. But Remlinger is a good one. While some will cry for him to close out games until El Pulpo comes back (and even then, probably after Pulpo comes back, too)–Remlinger’s job is to get the tough lefties like Barry Bonds and Craig Counsell out.

Juan Cruz— I’m fond of all 23 year old balding pitchers. So while I disagree with those of you who think he’s better than Carlos Zambrano, that doesn’t mean I don’t see the value of little Juan. He throws gas and has a sneaky change up and he could be awesome in an Octavio Dotel kind of role. Trust me on this.

Joe Borowski— It’s one thing to say I don’t like Joe. That’s not true. It’s another to say that I’m leery that he can ever do that again. But Cubs pitching coach Larry “Reid” Rothschild seems to think Joe’s a very good middle reliever and who am I to argue. For now, anyway.

Bobby Hill— Skeptics are quick to point out that sending Hill to Iowa to start the season is just further proof that Dusty Baker hates kids. The easiest thing the Cubs could have done was keep Bobby on the roster and sit him on the bench. Instead, they apparently think that a month in AAA will get his lefthanded stroke back. The truth is, this team needs Bobby to be good or the offense will be just as lousy as last year. He’ll be 25 soon, and his days as a “prospect” are fading. But he’s still got less than three full years of pro baseball under his belt. So cut him some slack.

Rod Beck— The Shooter got launched back to Iowa to try and build up some arm strength. He topped out at (get this) 81 miles an hour this spring. Eighty-one! I think I can hit 81! Shooter’s a great guy and baseball can always use a guy like him. Let’s just hope the Cubs pitching holds up and they don’t need him.

Alan Benes— Seems like a nice guy, but any brother of Andy Benes is not on my list of favorites.

Dusty Baker— So far he’s come in, set a new tone in camp, worn a weird Lawrence of Arabia baseball hat during the games, kissed Sammy on the hiney, sent Bobby Hill packing and uttered the tragic words, “you can’t have that much money sitting on the bench” in response to a question about playing time for Eric Karros. But still, Dusty’s got a way about him. He promises to get everybody playing time, be aggressive and to instill a winning attitude. He’s done it before. No reason it can’t happen here.

Reid Rothschild— The Cubs pitching coach is the only guy who didn’t get whacked when Bruce Kimm was sent home without his supper. I hate to draw this parallel, but Jeff Pentland was the only coach kept from Jim Riggleman’s last staff. But fortunately, Rothschild is actually good at his job, unlike Pentland. So he’s got that going for him. He fixed Matt Clement last year and Shawn Estes thinks he’s fixed him, too. So who knows?

Gary Matthews— I don’t want to say I lack confidence in Sarge’s ability to teach hitting. But he was the Brewers hitting coach last year and they didn’t have a freakin’ clue. And, his son certainly doesn’t look like a guy with a great grasp of hitting, either.

Chip Caray— What is there to be said? He was the unanimous winner of our “Tony Kubek Award for the brodcaster you’d most like to see get hit in the Adam’s Apple with a ground ball” (except for Jake–he voted for Roger Clemens–huh?). He’s disliked. He’s despised and really, it’s simple. He’s not good at his job. He babbles a lot. He makes nerdy jokes. He’s always the biggest geek in the room. And you don’t give the microphone to the biggest geek in the room.

Steve Stone— Oh, how we missed you, Steve. Insightful, funny and willing to rip on Chip, what’s not to like. He’s already pissed off Jose Cruz, Jr. this spring too. Welcome back!

Pat Hughes and Ron Santo— For what is asked of them, they are the best in the business at it. Pat and Ron entertain on a daily basis no matter how bad the game might be. Hughes is one of the best in the game. He paints a picture of the play on the field that few can dream of. Ron is….um…well, he’s….uh…charming? He’s not a good color announcer. He doesn’t give you in-depth baseball analysis. But we don’t care. He’s Ron Santo for chrissakes. And really, that’s enough.

The outlook— The pitching is impressive one through 11. Just about everybody throws smoke and there are more good arms on the doorstep. But this offense is worse than bad. Expectations have been jacked up way too high. This team could improve by 20 games and not even sniff the playoffs. Will they be better? Sure they will. Will they contend? Hell no. But if they come together, it’ll be a fun summer because this team is clearly on the right track. No, seriously. It is.