The calendar says its March. The weather says its January. What’s a guy to believe? The Cubs are in Arizona, perfecting the 4-2 loss. So it must be Spring!

What better time for a tour around the roster?

Because (as you already knew) I’m a dope, I forgot The Farns when I wrote this on Monday. So this is version 1.1, complete with snark on the Farns. Forgive me.

Pitchers

Kerry Wood — Despite winning only 12 games last year, Kerry finally shut up his critics who wondered when he’s really be “back” from his Tommy John surgery. Skeptics pointed out that Matt Morris had the same surgery at almost exactly the same time in 1999. Morris has won 38 games in the last two years while Wood has won only 24. What those critics fail to mention is that Wood is a grizzled old 25 years of age. Morris is 29. Incredibly, with a typical strikeout year, Wood will whiff his 1,000 batter this season (he needs “only” 201). The departure of Jon Lieber makes Wood the staff ace. This is a very good thing.

Mark Prior — As good as Wood can be, he might never be the best pitcher on his own staff. Lieber held that distinction during Wood’s first four years, and Prior seems a safe bet to take his place among the NL’s best this year. In 19 big league starts last year Prior posted an absurd 147-38 strikeout/walk ratio. Everything about him screams staff ace.

Matt Clement — If only we could get him to dump that stupid Abe Lincoln beard… The fog of potential followed Clement everywhere he went his first few seasons in the majors. He was supposed to be “next” Kevin Brown when he came up with the Padres and then the “next” Kevin Brown when the Padres traded him for the “first” Kevin Brown in Florida. The best thing Flash Gordon ever did for the Cubs was get hurt in spring training last year. That injury forced Jim Hendry’s hand and he put the finishing touches on a deal that brought Antonio Alfonseca and Clement to the Cubs for crazy Julian Tavarez and two minor leaguers. All Clement did was cut his walks dramatically and dominate National League hitters. Oh, by the way, he’s younger than Matt Morris, too. (Eight days, but still, it counts.)

Shawn Estes — Because he combs his hair, eats his cereal and throws a baseball with his left hand, Estes is a Cub. Plunked in the middle of a young, hard throwing, potentially dominant pitching staff, Estes sticks out like a superfluous finger (see: Alfonseca, Antonio). Estes has had one great season (19-5, 3.18 ERA in 1997), one good season (15-6, 4.26 in 2000) and a bunch of bad ones. So which Estes did the Cubs get? He’ll have you believe that he did his best work when he had Dusty Baker and Dick Pole to guide him through the season. He’s got them both this year. Unfortunately, Estes also had them in 1998 and 1999 and not much good came of it.

Carlos Zambrano and Juan Cruz — I’m listing these guys together because it seems like they’re always linked anyway. Many, many people love Juan Cruz and his stuff. They look at him and see a young Pedro Martinez. The build, the freakishly long fingers, the whip like arm action and the exploding stuff. I look at Juan and see a dominant set-up man. Give him an inning every other day and let him be Octavio Dotel. At 165 pounds, and with an always changing birth certificate (21? 24? 27?) the Pedro comparisons are dubious at best. I like Cruz, but if the Cubs need to trade a young pitcher to get a third baseman, I’m throwing Juan off the bus. Just watch him when he takes his cap off sometimes. I know there are balding 24 year olds…but man…

On the contrary, I have nothing but a healthy hetero man love for Zambrano. He’s 6’5, he has a great arm, proven durability and in 460 minor league innings he allowed 23 homers. Think about that for a little bit. OK? Good. In his last 11 starts of 2002, Zambrano allowed more than two runs once. When I see Carlos, I see Freddy Garcia. Me no trade Carlos.

Joe Borowski — History is full of guys who knocked around in the minors, pitched in the Mexican league, found their way back to the bigs and had a good year. (OK, maybe it’s not full of those kinds of guys, but they exist.) Those guys don’t do it a second year. I promise you. Now is not the time to buy your #48 Borowski replica jersey.

Rod Beck — If baseball were a sentimental game, Rod Beck would have a guaranteed slot on the Cubs. The Shooter won a spot in the hearts of Cubs fans forever with his amazing, high wire act all through 1998. His mullet is gone. His belly for the most part is gone. Unfortunately, it’s likely that his ability to get big league hitters is gone, too. Time to hop back on the camper, Rod.

Mark Guthrie — His grandfather, Woody, wrote the classic American anthem “This Land is Your Land”. His father, Arlo, wrote the folk classic “Alice’s Restaurant”. Mark? He gets out the tough lefties. Just how much of this has been completely made up by me is for you to figure out.

Mike Remlinger — As you all know, I’m dubious by nature and so it with that dubity (dubity?) that I am of the opinion that Mike Remlinger is a product of the Leo Mazzone school of the wide strike zone, and like John Rocker and Mark Wohlers before him, Remlinger is likely to be a worse pitcher away from the womb of Turner Field than in it. That said, he posted a 1.99 ERA in 2002 and the Cubs wouldn’t mind if he posted a 2.99 ERA in 2003. We’re Cubs fans, we’re like the girl in your high school class who lived in the double wide. We’re easy!

Alan Benes — I have an older brother and I’m sure there are people who don’t like me just because I’m his brother. Those people are dopes. But, call me a dope. I hate Andy Benes with every fiber of my being, so I hope Alan Benes slams his hand in a car door and gets waived. Actually, substitute head for hand in that last sentence.

Mike Sirotka — He’s trying to come back from shoulder reconstruction. Have you ever been in a house that has been rebuilt because of a flood or a fire? It never looks or smells quite right. I have a feeling that Sirotka’s left arm reeks.

Dave Veres — I know it takes a complete leap in logic to make this assumption, but let’s do it anyway. The Cardinals had Jeff Fassero and Dave Veres both at the end of 2002. They decided that they still wanted Fassero, but they didn’t want Dave Veres. We remember how badly we all wanted to set fire to The Troll last year. How bad did the Cardinals have to hate Veres to want Fassero instead of him?

Kyle Farnsworth — One thing is sure about The Farns, you certainly can’t forget him. (snicker, snicker) Last seen pouring kerosene on his ERA, The Farns became the first player in Major League History to throw an unhittable 100 MPH fastball one year and a completely un-missable 100 MPH fastball the next. His stuff was fine. His head, was not. Pitching coach Larry “Reid” Rothchild basically accused The Farns of boozing it up all night and not taking baseball seriously. How can you not take baseball seriously when you’re a Cub? Oh, wait…

And so, as 2003 dawns, we all hold out hope for the return of the “good” Farns. The one who blows it by hitters. I think maybe his pants are too tight. Don’t you think he’d be more relaxed on the mound if he was wearing those “pants so loose they look like I just took a dump in them” that Kerry Wood wears? It’s a thought.

Antonio “El Pulpo” Alfonseca — I once came home to find a horde of dead bees in my bed. I had to get an exterminator and make sure that the rest of bees that had infiltrated my attic didn’t have the chance to multiply and then die and fall on my bed. Last year, just before the All-Star Break, El Pulpo’s friend committed suicide in El Pulpo’s bedroom. I have a feeling his episode was a tad bit more traumatic than mine. Though, those bees deserved a better fate. Before the All-Star break, Pulpo was 1-1 with a 2.61 ERA and 11 saves in 14 chances. After the All-Star break, he was 1-4, 5.45 and 8-14 in save chances. I think he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Catchers

Damian Miller — My memory of Damian Miller last year came from All-Star weekend in Milwaukee. Though he didn’t deserve it (Paul LoDuca was robbed!) Miller was an All-Star, picked by the caterpillar-esque mustache of Bob Brenly. All-Star Game night, three drunk fat guys about six rows in front of me got thrown out of the game and arrested by state troopers for refusing to put down a urine sodded bed sheet that said “Miller Time 26!” on it. These guys were big Damian Miller fans. They, like he, were from Wisconsin. Unfortunately, they’re likely within commuting range to Wrigley. You’ve been warned.

Paul Bako — I know you all turn to me for the most in-depth baseball analysis on the Internet. I appreciate that. So I’m going to give you some pearls of wisdom right now. Paul Bako cannot play. He can’t hit at all. He’s Joe Girardi without the charm. He’s Rick Wrona Lite. Somewhere, Steve Lake is sitting at home saying, “Hey, I can do that.” Sigh.

Infielders

Hee Seop Choi — There comes a time in every nation’s life when they have to prove they’re grown up. They have to export a beer that people actually like. They have to develop nuclear weapons. They have to develop a bona fide Major League Baseball star. Here’s to you, Mr. Choi, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Coo coo kuh choo.

OK, so he’s from South Korea, not North Korea. Whatever. Let’s face it, all we know about Korea is that they eat their dogs, right? What we know about Choi is much more in depth. He can flat out rake. I saw him at the Futures Game and in batting practice he put on a show. He has a short, quick, powerful stroke. He led the American Association in walks last year. There’s nothing to not like.

Eric Karros — When God closes a door, he opens a window. Or something. The Cubs kicked Fred McGriff out the door and Karros crawled in the window. I’m of the opinion that no matter how much Dusty Baker wants to play Karros, his bad back will joyously keep him nailed to the bench. Even when Karros could play, he never really could play. By all accounts, he’s a nice man. He’ll be happy in his role and he’ll help old ladies across the street.

Bobby Hill — I want to like Bobby. I want him to be everything he’s cracked up to be. What’s he cracked up to be? Fernando Vina with more power. Admit it, we hate Fernando Vina, but we wouldn’t mind having one just like him, would we? The Bobby Hill who came back from Iowa at the end of last season was the real deal. Let’s hope that was the “real” Bobby.

Mark Grudzielanek — Harry Caray could never say Grudzielanek, so he just called him Mark G. Unfortunately, the last two years, Mark G. has hit like Kenny G. He could thrive in a utility role (i.e.–not play much). Let’s hope his role doesn’t get much bigger than that.

Alex Gonzalez — He looks like Mike Piazza (admit it, he does) but he comparisons end there. What we were promised with A-Gonz was a) decent power for a shortstop, b) lots of strikeouts and c) smooth defense. We got two of the three. Now, Dusty Baker wants to bat him second? I’m going to need some Valium.

Ramon Martinez — Pedro’s big brother? The one with the bad arm? Oh, no, the middle infielder who can’t hit! Ahh. Ramon can play second and short and third. So can Mark G. Do we need them both? Nope. Will we have them both. Oh yeah. Chalk this up to the Department of Redundancy Department.

Mark Bellhorn — Last year in Spring Training, if you listened to me, you knew that Mark Bellhorn was easily the best of the weird Delino DeShields/Chris Stynes/Bellhorn gang. All he did was nearly hit 30 homers. This year, Bellhorn is the man at third (until further notice). Can he do it again? Can he thrive in an every day role? Hey, he played 146 games last year. If Moises Alou was an “everyday” player, Bellhorn was, too. Do I worry that we’ll look at Bellhorn’s 2002 and equate it to Rick Wilkins’ 1993 some day? Sure I do. But I’d put a lot more stock in Bellhorn being good in 2003 than not. So he’s got that going for him. Which is nice.

Kevin Orie — If Kevin were a racehorse, we’d be reloading right now. Wink, wink.

Dave Kelton — Some day we may look back on the name Dave Kelton and want to do bodily harm to the individual letters. The promise of Dave has caused the Cubs to trade one third base prospect (2002 AL Rookie of the Year Eric Hinske) and move a top prospect from third to catcher (Brendan Harris). The Cubs, and in their defense other scouts, feel that Kelton could hit right now. Many compare him to Phillies slugger Pat Burrell with the bat. That would be great. Unfortunately, Kelton has never shown any inclination to actually be able to play third base. Two years ago he threw every ball into the stands behind first base. Last year he hurt his shoulder and had to play first base. Apparently, in the winter he went to Mexico and proved he could throw. He still made 11 errors in about 30 games though. Yikes. I’m not saying. I’m just saying.

Lenny Harris — I remember Lenny Harris in his early days with the Reds. He was a super utility man. Good at second and third and first and the outfield, he’s the all-time pinch hitter in big league history. But have you seen Lenny lately? He looks like he ate Paul Noce and Mike Brumley! The only position he could feasibly play this year would be first base, and even that he’d only be able to play in a Mo Vaughn-“covers a lot of ground–standing still”- kind of way. Can the Cubs really have a bench with two first basemen on it? I shudder to think.

Sammy Sosa — This just in: Sammy’s good! So far in the spring, Sammy’s done everything right. He showed up on time (an overblown non story), he turned down his boom box (an overblown non story), he’s offered to pee in front of reporters (uh…no thanks) and now he’s sitting out with a bad quad. Basically, Sammy showed up on time and ended up sitting out anyway. Only in the absurd land of Cub is this progress. But does anybody think he couldn’t fall out of bed and hit .300 with 50 and 120?

Corey Patterson — Some day, young Corey will put it all together. He’ll be Andruw Jones. I honestly believe that. He’ll catch everything in sight. He’ll hit .280 with 25 SB speed and 25 HR power. He’ll probably do it in Atlanta, too. OK. Probably not. If I could make three bold-print them in ink-predictions about Jim Hendry, they’d be these. 1) He’ll NEVER trade Hee Seop Choi. 2) He’ll NEVER trade Corey Patterson. 3) He’ll NEVER wear a tie that actually matches his shirt. Patterson was good for about six weeks at the beginning of 2002. After the All-Star Break he was beyond horrendous. Let’s just say Bruce Kimm won’t be listing his work with Corey on his resume. But when I see Dusty Baker, and I see Corey. I see a marriage made in heaven. It might not be 2003, but by 2004, Corey will be a household name.

That household is in Marietta, Georgia.

Moises Alou and Troy O’Leary — Like Cruz and Zambrano, I feel the need to link the names of Alou and O’Leary. Here’s why. Because sometime in early April Cubs fans all across this great land will feel the urge to scream, “Troy O’Leary is just as lazy as Moises Alou!” Pencil Troy and Moises in on your “All Decaying Corpse” team.

Sure, they’re lazy, but I have real hopes that Alou will have a solid season, and that O’Leary can at least hit the ball. In the outfield they’ll remind you of the glory days of Candy Maldonado, but that’s another story for another time.

Tom Goodwin — He’s fast. He can’t hit. At all. Tom Goodwin has no place on a Major League roster. None! I feel very strongly about this.

Charles Gipson — I love him on Good Morning America with Diane Sawyer.

Oh, wait, he’s an outfielder? Oh, that Charles Gipson. See: Goodwin, Tom.

Nic Jackson — A broken shin (ouch) cost him all of 2003. Otherwise he’d be breathing down the corpse twins necks. Mark my words. I gave you Bellhorn last spring. This spring you get Nic Jackson. No need to thank me.

Because we always do, let’s give a quick rundown of the non-essential personnel, too.

Dusty Baker — People mock the difference attitude can make in a team. I think when you add the attitude improvement with a lights out starting rotation and the most dominant home run hitter of his time, you get a much improved team. I’m not predicting playoffs, but I am predicting a fun summer. And really, at this point, we’d take it.

Jim Hendry — I mock his attire, because I’m mean. But Hendry has done a nice job so far. He’s stocking the farm system with arms, and like the Mets of the ’80s he’s hyping the hell out of them. Many of these guys will be worth more in trade than on the field. But it makes no difference. The idea is for you to turn your farm system into good players. Hendry is doing just that.

Chip Caray — WGN TV and Fox Sports Net found out two things when Steve Stone was gone in 2001 and 2002. 1) Steve is nearly irreplaceable. 2) Chip stinks on ice. If his name were Chip Dolan he’d be calling tractor pulls in Sloth Junction, Arkansas.

Steve Stone — He’s just great. Funny, smart, and can you not love it when he predicts the pitch. “You know Chip, Kerry could get this guy with a curveball on the outside part of the plate.” And then Kerry throws the curveball on the outside part of the plate for strike three. That never gets old.

Ron Santo — A great guy and a terrible announcer. We all love Ron, but does anybody think he has had an original thought since 1967? It doesn’t matter though, because with the underrated Pat Hughes, Cubs games are fun to listen to on the radio, and really that’s the important thing. By the way, it’s a crime that he didn’t get voted into the Hall of Fame, but I decree that we can’t talk about this until the winter of 2005. Hey, it was worth a shot.

Pat Hughes — See: Santo, Ron.

So there you have it. Another in-depth (snicker, snicker) look at your 2003 Cubs. A lot of this will shake out in the next month. So we’ll just have to do this all over again before opening day.