It’s May, do you know where your Cubs are? If you guessed first place in the National League Central despite an injury to the single most indispensible Cub, you’d be right. At times they do it with smoke and mirrors, but mainly they do it with smoke and curveballs. Buckle up, it’s going to be a fun ride.

We promise.

Normally in these Cubs Reports we just start breaking down the individual players. But hey, it’s mid-May, the Cubs are in first place and we’ve got at least three important topics to get through first.

Are the Cubs better without Sammy Sosa? Despite losses on Sunday and Monday the Cubs are 6-3 since Sammy went on the DL after allowing a surgeon to rip the toenail out of his right big toe. Overall, the Cubs are now 25-19. So they’re 19-16 without him, 6-3 with him.

They are obviously better. I think the Cubs should waive him! Get him out of town. I can’t get enough of watching that whirlwind Troy O’Leary roam the pastureland in right field. Troy reminds me very much of an old Kevin Roberson…

Here’s the thing. If you are listening to any sports radio show in Chicago and a caller chimes in with the idea that the Cubs are better off without Sammy, and that the Cubs should trade Sammy, you need to find out if that caller is in his car on his cellphone. If anybody this dumb is behind the wheel, holding a telephone in one hand and presumably driving with the other, get off the road. I don’t care if you are sitting in a Wendy’s parking lot eating a Frosty. Get out of your car and get under it. Anybody this stupid could possibly trigger an apocalypse.

I try and be a patient man. I have one of those little Japanese rock gardens in the back yard and I go out there and rake my troubles away. I also drink a lot of Boone’s Farm Wine. But I have no patience for morons who think the Cubs are better off without the single most consistently great power hitter of the last 60 years. If you truly believe this, I can’t save you.

Sammy will miss 14 games at least. If the Cubs can go 8-6 in those 14 games, I’ll be happy. Given that they’re already 6-3 and they’re off to Pittsburgh for three games, they’d damn well better go 9-5 or better, but still. This offense needs the big Dominican in the middle of the order. There’s no need to argue this.

What are the Cubs going to do about third base— Honestly, what the Cubs should do is to petition the Major Leagues to reconfigure the field so there is no third base anymore.

That’s probably not going to work, is it? Sigh.

The Cubs have a few options. They can stick with Mark Bellhorn and Lenny Harris and pray that Bellhorn finds a clue, so that Lenny can go back to pinch-hitter-deluxe mode. I think we all knew we were staring at Bellhorn’s career-year last season, so it’s unlikely he’ll be productive enough to be a top-tier third baseman, ever.

They can trade for Mike Lowell of the Marlins. This seems like a no-brainer. But it’s not. Like everything in life, this has its complications. The Cubs can probably get Lowell for a pair of top notch pitching prospects and a couple of other minor leaguers. Guys like Juan Cruz, Angel Guzman, Felix Sanchez, wunderkind Todd Wellemeyer or Andrew Sisco. Lowell is a stud. He’s already been an All-Star and is well on his way to doing it again. He’s also got two years of arbitration ahead of him so he’s not going to be a free agent for a while. The thing that complicates it, is that the Cubs might not need to make that move. They’ve got a pair of promising third basemen in the minors right now. David Kelton is hitting .325 at Iowa and Brendan Harris (probably an upgrade over Kelton) is hitting nearly .300 at AA-West Tennessee. Neither is ready to come in and play right now. Though, Kelton could likely hold his own right now at the plate.

So, if you’re Jim Hendry, you have to decide. What’s best for the franchise. Giving two prospects away and having Lowell for several years. Or keeping the prospects and turning to Kelton or Harris down the road?

See how much fun it is to be a general manager? No matter what he does, we’ll be able to look at it and complain. It’s part of the job.

You want to know what I’d do, I suppose. Well, OK, I’ll tell you.

I’d trade for Lowell in a heartbeat. You can’t keep building for tomorrow. At some point you have to just dive in and go for it. It’s been 95 years. It’s time for a belly flop.

What the hell is the matter with Matt Clement?

Could it be that his weird Abe Lincoln beard was the source of his power? Could it be that his shoulder hurts and that’s why he throws his slider like he’s doing a bad Kent Tekulve impersonation (as opposed to a good Kent Tekulve impersonation)? Whatever it is, it has to stop. Shawn Estes is supposed to be the weak link in the rotation, not Clement. It throws the whole balance off. The earth could careen into Venus at this rate.

At any rate. As of this writing, the Cubs are in first place and six games over .500. They have yet to hit a truly hot stretch (but then, they haven’t had a prolonged losing streak, either). Maybe that’s the secret.

Sammy Sosa — We always start with Sammy because…he’s Sammy. It always seemed ridiculous that Sammy was slumping because once he got hit in the head by Solomon Torres that he was gunshy. You could see at the plate that he wasn’t flinching, or stepping in the bucket. It turns out that a bum right big toenail had robbed him of the ability to torque it up and hammer the ball. He’s eligible to come off the DL on Sunday and if not then, he’ll be back soon after. And then, it’ll be time for NL pitchers to pay. Muahahahahahaha.

Corey Patterson— I’m not going to call him C-Pat. I just can’t do it. Hasn’t the whole A-Rod way of giving nicknames played itself out? Whatever, the one thing that is certain is that Corey is playing at a level that deserves a nickname. The most consistent Cubs hitter this year, Patterson doesn’t even look like the confused, sometimes tentative, always stubborn player we saw last year. He’s still not walking a lot. But he is making better contact, and he’s learned to hammer lefties. If anything, facing lefties forces him to shorten his swing and keep his shoulder in. He’s 23 and just scratching the surface. It’s going to be a lot of fun to see him improve the next few years. Dusty moved him into the three spot in the order, and is already flirting with leaving him there when Sammy comes back. He thrived hitting ahead of Sammy last year, and I don’t see why that would change this year.

Moises Alou — Underwhelmed is a good way to describe what our reaction to Moises’ 2002 season was. He came in out of shape, got hurt, never got it together and played with the emotion god gave a tree stump. This is still the guy who hit .330 in his last year in Houston. Still the guy who should have been the 1997 World Series MVP. Still one of the most feared right handed hitters in the National League. The thought of a healthy Sosa, sandwiched in between Corey and Moises has to put a little hop in your step, doesn’t it?

Troy O’Leary — He’s done a nice job as the Sosa stand in. But we don’t want to press our luck, do we? Troy is Alou light. He looks like if you gave him a hot foot, that he’d sit there until his foot completely burned away. But he’s not a bad outfielder and has had a couple of big hits. Who knew?

Tom Goodwin — What can this guy do? He can’t hit. He can’t throw. Apparently he can still run. Is he a luxury we can afford? Probably not. Go clog up somebody else’s bench, Tom.

Hee Seop Choi — Big Choi is my favorite of the young Cubs. Big, strong, smart, surprisingly athletic and with a great batting eye, he’s got stardom written all over him. It’s so rare to see a guy come out of the Cubs’ system who is so completely ready to play that it’s almost like a mirage. He still sits too much, and hopefully when Eric Karros’ luck runs out, Dusty won’t continue the trend. Our boy Choi is the real deal. As soon as next year, you’ll be able to pencil him in for 30 homers and 100 RBI every year. Sometimes, nice things happen to the Cubs.

Mark Grudzielanek — Gruddy’s been a big surprise. OK, that’s an understatement. That’s like saying, “Man, Roy Jones, Jr. can’t act very well.” He’s hit from the word go, and is a much better defensive second baseman than I had ever realized. He’s not a .320 hitter like he was for most of April, but his career numbers indicate he’ll hit close to .300 and his on base average won’t remind anybody of Rickey Henderson. Steve Henderson, maybe. Regardless, Gruddy’s only going to be in Chicago for a few more months, and we can all more than live with that.

Alex Gonzalez — It’s amazing that when an extra inning game rolls around you want Alex to come to the plate. During the day, he’s a mild mannered, decent hit, good glove shortstop. But when extra innings roll around, he’s Mr. Clutch. Who knew? He’s already hit three game winners, and Geoff Jenkins pulled back a fourth one in Milwaukee last week. Alex is playing much better defense this year, too. Which is nice.

Mark Bellhorn — Icky bad. Just putrid, really. We were so proud of little Mark last year. He ate his veggies, did his homework without us asking and he hit 27 bombs and played good defense at four different positions. This year, we asked him to pick a subject and concentrate on it, and he went all “John Nash thinks he’s a spy” on us. Honestly, if you put him at third every day and let him play he’d probably end up at .250 with 20 homers and 50 RBI. He’s Steve Buchele without the curly mullet. Mark is more valuable as a supersub, and if the Cubs can swing a Lowell trade, Bellhorn’s outfield ability makes him prime to send Tom Goodwin to the waiver wire. One can only hope.

Lenny Harris — The best pinch hitter in the game is getting too many at bats. Huh? Seriously, he is. Lenny needs to pinch hit five times a week and get a start every couple of weeks to stay sharp. Right now he’s in a defacto platoon at third with Bellhorn and it’s killing his numbers. I like Lenny, I’m glad he’s on the team. I just don’t ever want to see him with a fielding glove on his hand.

Eric Karros — I have mixed emotions about Eric. He’s hitting well, and he’s taking his part-time status with class and seems to be helping Hee Seop along. But I cringe every time he’s in the lineup. With Sosa out, Choi’s bat and his batting eye are more important than ever. I don’t really need the slowest human on the planet trotting out to first base against lefties and righties “he hits good against.” I like my Eric Karroses on the bench next to my Lenny Harrises. I don’t need them on the corners of my infield.

Ramon Martinez — When the Cubs signed him at the urging of Dusty, I was underwhelmed. But it only took about two weeks for Ramon to prove his value. He’s a defensive whiz at any of the infield positions, he can play the outfield in a pinch and Dusty claims he can catch in an emergency. When he comes in to replace Lenny or Mark in the late innings, you breathe a little easier. He’s also not a complete closet-case at the plate, either. Hey Ramon, we like you! I’ll bet he’s happy about that.

Damian Miller — He’s down under .240 right now and my fantasy team is screaming for him to “pull up!” But on the field he’s doing a great job. There’s a discernable difference in the way he handles pitchers and the way Todd Hundley and Joe Girardi handle them. Thanks to spy technology, we have transcripts of three mound visits, Hundley’s and Joe’s are from last year, Damian’s is from this year.

Miller: “This guy can’t handle the fastball above the belt. Whatever you do, if you miss, miss high.”

Hundley: “Dude, there’s a chick behind the dugout with the biggest melons I’ve ever seen. Sweet.”

Girardi: “Can you believe I haven’t had a hit since April? Me neither. Oh, and Intel shares are down an eighth again.”

See? I’m no Nardi Contreras, but I think it’s obvious what we see here.

Todd can spot the hot ones.

Paul Bako — Paul Bako can not hit. He’s awful. He might as well stand up there with a toothpick in his hand. But he’s a pretty good catcher. Yes, I’m damning him with feint praise.

Kerry Wood — This is it. This is what we’ve been looking for since that April day in 1998 when he announced his presence with authority in Montreal as a baby faced rookie. Kerry Wood is a bona fide ace. Everything he does screams ace. His presence on the mound. The leadership he shows the younger pitchers. All of it. When Kerry takes the mound he might battle his control from time to time, but the hitters know they’re in for a battle. He plunks guys and they accept it. He’s one ornery cuss, and as Cubs fans, he’s fun as hell to watch. I’m in the minority that don’t think Dusty Baker did anything bad by letting him go 140 pitches in that Saturday start against St. Louis. I don’t want him throwing that many often, but he’s like a BMW. You can tool him around the city a lot, but once and a while you’ve got to let him out on a country road and let him put the hammer down.

Mark Prior — He’s what, 22 years old? It’s sick what this guy can do. Kerry’s an ace. Mark’s THE ace. Wood and Prior are an embarassment of riches for a franchise that is way overdue in that department. Prior has it all. Power, command, control and a pretty nice bat. He’s a baseball player, not just a pitcher. Think about how good he is right now, and then take a minute to think how good he’ll be in five years. Yikes, indeed. It’s going to be a fun ride with this guy.

Matt Clement — Abe has got to get it together. He was not supposed to be the weak link. Shawn Estes got cast in that role, but Clement has stolen it from him. It’s early, and a guy is allowed a bad stretch once and a while, but this is getting ridiculous. But it’s nothing a start against the Pirates can’t fix.

Shawn Estes — He always seems to be on the cusp of a complete meltdown, but for the most part he’s been good. He knows he can’t smoke it up there like Wood, Prior, Clement or Carlos Zambrano, and he’s content to curveball you to death. When that curve is finding the strike zone, you remember why Shawn has won 19 games in a season in his career. When it’s not, well you know why he’s on his fourth team in three years.

Carlos Zambrano — I’m not one to tell you ‘I told you so’, but I TOLD YOU SO. Last summer I said the Zambrano-Juan Cruz debate was a mismatch. Carlos Zambrano has top of the rotation stuff and it’s already harnessed. He’s big, he’s strong, he knows how to pitch and he’s 21 freakin’ years old. I’m going to pinch myself now. Oh, and he’s a switch hitter. What kind of balls does that take? And they let him do it. Now, if he can keep from throwing the bunts into center field…

Juan Cruz — I’m not slighting Juan. But come on, we know he’s closer to 30 than he is to 20, I don’t care what he says. You don’t get a hairline like that at 22, you just don’t. Juan’s got some serious stuff, though. At this point, he’s perfectly suited for his current role in the bullpen. He can give you one inning, or he can give you four. He doesn’t mind seeing a hitter more than once in a game. When he’s throwing that sick changeup for strikes, the hitters have no chance. When he’s a little wild? It’s batting practice. Dusty continually says he won’t let them trade Juan. I’m inclined to believe that.

The Farns — Two years ago, he was the ultimate weapon in the Cubs bullpen. Last year he was a complete dud. This year he’s almost back to 2001, but not quite. What he is doing is throwing strikes. He still gives up an occasional bomb, but it’s occasional. His three inning stint in Miller Park on Thursday was a thing of beauty. Good to have you back, Farns.

Mark Guthrie — Forearm tendonitis? Sounds like somebody’s been playing too much PlayStation 2, to me. When he’s healthy, he gives the Cubs that ultimate bullpen luxury…a second good lefty. We need him to be healthy, and pronto.

Mike Remlinger — It took him a while, but he’s proving his value. He eats up lefties, but he gets right handers out, too. He had control problems early, but those seem to have faded and Dusty trusts him more than anybody else in that bullpen. He’s proving why.

Dave Veres — I’ve never enjoyed a DL stint quite as much as this one. Take your time, Dave. November might be a good time for a comeback.

Todd Wellemeyer — As debuts go, striking out the side and getting a save is a pretty hard one to top. Another in the seemingly unending line of Cubs prospects who throw in the mid ’90s and have a go-to offspeed pitch, he’s just another reason why I have the urge to hug Jim Hendry. In a very manly way, of course.

El Pulpo — He’s a freak, but for now he’s our freak. Twelve fingers, the yellow hair, the gut. He’s not a terrible set up man, but really, are any of us in any hurry to see him closing games again? I didn’t think so.

Joe Borowski — Regular Joe has done a nice job as the closer. Just check out his numbers some time. He doesn’t walk people, he strikes out a lot and he doesn’t surrender many hits. Sounds like a pretty good recipe to me. He’s got a good temperment for the job, too. The one thing that scares me is that he can’t hold runners on base. At all. They run on him like he’s blind in one eye. All in all, if that’s your biggest complaint, you’re in pretty good shape.

Phil Norton — You, again? Hey, at least it’s not Steve Smyth. I miss Will Ohman. OK, not really.

Dusty Baker — I didn’t think he could possibly live up to the hype, but if anything he’s even better than advertised. This isn’t a particularly outstanding group he’s got to work with here. It’s better than last year, obviously and the pitching is really good, but the talent, and performance level isn’t anything near what it will be a year or two from now. He’s winning without a 100 percent Sammy Sosa, and without a third baseman (what’s new in Cubland, though?). But he’s winning. The Cubs play like a team. Better, they play baseball the right way. They know what needs to be done and they try and do it. They don’t always pull it off, but it’s a lot more fun to watch a team play the game the right way. It’s also fun to watch him consistently outmanage other teams. This was a guy who was supposedly good in the clubhouse but not too swift in the dugout. There’s been little evidence to support any strategic failings from Dusty.

Gary Matthews — Sarge has had an immediate and obvious impact. The Cubs are still impatient at times and they’re inconsistent. But they are third in the league in runs scored and Alex Gonzalez and Corey Patterson look like new men at the plate. The improvement in Patterson is almost beyond belief. He’s still striking out at a decent clip, but gone are the flail at three bad pitches and sit down at bats. He’s got an idea at the plate and if he gets his pitch, he’s smoking it. So far, so good.

Larry Rothschild — Even in a bad 2002, he was impressive as the pitching coach. He’s getting a lot out of this staff and they all have a geniuine comfort level with him. You get the feeling they all trust him, and that’s a hard thing to come by these days.

Chip Caray and Steve Stone — The return of Stone has made Chip more palatable, but not entirely. He’s still completely overmatched in this job. He’s still trying to prove he knows the game too much, also. Chip is not very good. But hey, at least he’s not terrible! Oy, that’s sad.

As for Stone he’s still the best. Sometimes he’s a little too critical of the players, but I’d rather my announcers be too hard on them, and not insulting our intelligence by making excuses. Cubs games are fun to watch on TV again. Some day, Chip will be kidnapped by a wolfpack and games will really be fun again.

Pat Hughes and Ron Santo — It’s happened. I hoped it would, and it has. The Cubs are good, and Ron and Pat are actually talking about the game most of the time now. Ron is even trying to sound like a baseball expert, sometimes with hilarious results. They still go off on tangents about breakfast fruit and khaki pants, but for the most part it’s all Cubs all the time. When these two are into the game, they do a very nice job.

It’s early, and Cubs teams have teased us in May before. But with this team, you just get that gut feeling that they’re still getting better. The return of Sosa to health will certainly help, and you get the idea that for once the minor league sysytem is sufficiently stocked to provide the Cubs with what they need to make that one, big, season altering trade.

At any rate, it’s going to be a fun summer. And that’s always a good thing.