Much to Juan Pierre’s delight the Cubs made him fly north in a snowstorm to spend five minutes chatting up Bruce Levine and Seabiscuit’s Jockey. They gave Pierre one of Gabor Bako’s old togs and a quick tour of the “quaint” Cubs’ home clubhouse. “See, Juan, over here is the trainer’s room. These two tables are reserved for Kerry and Mark. Neifi likes to cook hot dogs in that jacuzzi over there…”
It’s all well and good that Lucky Pierre is a Cub. We’re happy about it. He seems like a cool guy and he’ll remind some of us of Bob Dernier (especially if he dies his afro blonde like Bob used to). But call us pessimists if you must, but there’s still a huge hole in the Cubs’ outfield.
It’s not just the planned glory…knot hole that the Cubs are so proud of, rather the Cubs don’t have a rightfielder.
Actually, they still have Corey Patterson on their roster and if forced to, he could at least stand out there and fulfill the lineup requirement, and John Mabry is going to get paid by the Cubs to do something, but it’s clear that Cubs interim manager Dusty Baker (Interim? Why not, somebody new is getting that job after next year) has no use for either of those guys.
With Jose Macias freed from his Cubs’ obligations so he can spend his winter focusing on getting Panama into that seventh/eighth place game at the World Baseball Challenge, the Cubs don’t have a right fielder. This is a franchise who from 1987-2004 had either Andre Dawson or Sammy Sosa out there. Say what you want about Andre’s knees or Sammy’s enchanced testosterone levels, but the idea that right field is a problem is relatively knew to the Cubs.
What is shocking is that the hole in right field (again the one on the field, not the one in the wall) came about so suddenly and caught the Cubs’ front office offguard. I mean it’s not like they knew on the final day of the 2004 season that Sammy was going to be kicked to the curb, or that they weren’t going to want to pick up that tidy little $7 million option on Jeromy Burnitz. It’s not like they traded for two rightfielders during the season last year and then traded both of them away before September. Oh, wait.
So Jim Hendry’s been planning for this event since the final day of the 2004 season and here we are in mid-December a year later and they still don’t have anybody.
Not only do they not have anybody, but they don’t even have any leads on where they can find one.
Who’s left that can be of any impact in right field for the Cubs?
Jock Jones? He’s just Jeromy Burnitz with a better tan.
Reggie Sanders? He’s 1,000 years old, has body parts falling off and last we saw him, he was hilariously playing a routine flyball into an RBI triple in the NLCS.
Juan Encarnacion? He’s so good he gets traded four times a year. Three of them to Florida.
What else is there?
You hear rumors of trades for the player with the biggest head in Major League Baseball (Kevin Mench of Texas, his hat size is an EIGHT, wow), pie in the sky talk about dealing for Bob Abreu, talk of Hendry reeling in another white whale (Austin kEARnS), and…well, that’s about it.
Milton Bradley’s crazy got sold to the A’s. Brian Giles went back to San Diego without as much as a peep from the Cubs. Manny Ramirez isn’t coming to town. Bob Howry probably didn’t sign to play right field. Hey, maybe that’s why Glendon Rusch came back?
There is no plan and that’s no surprise because there never seems to be a plan.
Now the Cubs are trying to distract us with talk of being “very interested” in trading for disgruntled Baltimore shortstop Miguel Tejada. Creepy Levine says that the Cubs would have to part with a five-man package of Rich Hill, Jerome Williams, Ronny Cedeno, Angel Guzman and Corey Patterson to Baltimore for Tejada.
Not only do the Cubs not have the stones to do that, but now that the White Sox added a sixth starting pitcher in their trade for Javier Vazquez, they could offer the Orioles a trade of Brandon McCarthy, Juan Uribe and some minor leaguers.
What’s worse than always losing out in trades to more aggressive teams? Losing out to more aggressive teams who play in your own city.
Regardless of what happens with Tejada, the Cubs need to stick something in that gaping hole in right field. Though that close to Boys’ Town, I’m sure plenty of stuff will get stuck in it.
We’ve got’cher knot hole right here, Dolan.
Andy, I wish we knew how to quit you.
Like we want that 5 Cub shithole clogging our spots.
Let’s face it, we should be call “Pro Shits”
They gave him #9? I thought they were finally going to retire it for Steve Swisher.
I got to watch the presser, and Pierre said “ivry” on a couple of occassions. He’s from Louisiana and has a “country boy” accent, so that could explain it.
Have the Cubs ever done anything differently. We still will go to Wrigley next year and have fun, no one at Wrigley really cares if the Cubs win, its party time. Until this insane loyalty gives, the Trib will never field a winner because they dont have to. I know this is easy to say and hard to do, and I hope someday we will be rewarded for our loyalty. Probably sometime after the Tribune Co. sells the Cubs. Sorry for being the downer, but this is our sad reality.
when are we going to see pie? does he factor into any of this or is he another elusive angel guzman who is hung over our head as the ‘all will be solved when he (never) comes up?’
Actually, at the bottom of each inning, a lucky fan watching the game through the fence will get to play right field and get to keep any third out balls they may catch as a souvenir
If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that I was snapped in Gordon Jump’s bicycle shop.
“Hey Dudley… err… Juan… do you like cartoons?”
Since people actually are paying attention to my team, I thought it would only be fitting for me to make Hendry look even worse. That is why I couldn’t resist myself when I heard that the Cubs are interested in Tejada. I thought to myself… “Umm how can I real piss the northsiders off? well I can throw one of my best up and coming pitchers a shortstop the Cubs would kill for and take the only player left that the Cubs really want.” So I said Fuck it, let’s do it. Sure we might give up the chance at another run for that WS championship but I would rather put the last nail in Hendry’s oversized casket. Can anyone let me know if there is anyone else I can trade for that the Cubs are dying to get?
Yeah, me…twice.
So we are going with “Lucky” Pierre for my name? I had to look up what Lucky Pierre meant, but it works for me.
Brilliant!
We have no SS or RF. I know Nomar cant play D for shit and he is a risk but just give him a contract with a whole shit load of incentives. if he is hurt he gets shit but if he plays well he will get paid. It really doesn’t matter if he can’t play D look at Neifi hell of a defender ,but everyone rips on his ass. So Nomar can’t play D but he still can hit just give him a shot a SS or 2B where he doesn’t need as much range, and just let’s see the rookie cedeno play what I saw of him he was pretty damn good. For right field Jock Jones isn’t good enough so i guess i would like to see aubrey huff out there.
David are you high? The cubs didn’t offer Nomar arbitration. We can’t talk to him again until May or something.
I am the Lucky Pierre, by definition.
I am also the Lucky Pierre.
And don’t pretend you didn’t know that…
i’m greasing my mitt now.
Lucky Pierre is mentioned in John Mellencamp’s song “Get a Leg Up”.
I hope they find me a hat that fits before April because this one makes me look like a complete idiot.
Who’d you rather be: Lucky Pierre or Dirty Sanchez?
How about Rusty Trombone?
How can Encarnacion be traded four times a year if he has never played for more than two teams in any given season? Guess the “Milton’s crazy” campaign won Hendry over, and now Juan Encarnacion is our best bet.
Dude’s, I’m available.
Seems that ths Cubs interest has waned quite a bit….24 comments on this article…lets move onto Illini hoops or more Bears coverage….Cubs have proven to me that Kenny Williams is on track and Jim Hendry is still just a bag…take your pick, douche or “of donuts”…..
“…the idea that right field is a problem is relatively knew to the Cubs.”
Knee-slappingly hilarious as always. And done on purpose, I have no doubt, in equal measures for self-amusement and for the purpose of seeing who’s really paying attention around here. As his is wont [sic].
The real live Larry Bittner wonders: “when are we going to see pie?”
Probably not until after we invest in a decent haircut, some fashionable clothes that actually fit and a little bit of dental work, just for starters. A billfold stuffed with cash and plastic, a stylish automobile and a stash of breath mints would round out the picture rather tidily. And who’s this “we” –you got a wingman in your pocket?
we=Cubs fans, moran!!
I don’t get why “[sic]” is after “wont.” “Wont” is used correctly  why sic “sic” on it?
You don’t use me on yourself anyway. You just spell it fucking right the first time.
You use me when you’re quoting someone ELSE who has erred in his grammar.
Yeah, I’d rather have this than a ss and right fielder
I am always good for a laugh.
Quoth the original, and read it slow(ly), now: “As his is wont”
I suppose that “[sic]” –the Latin “thus,” or “exactly as you see it”– could be placed after the misplaced “his” and/or “is”…or one could just spare the clutter and put it at the end of the entire phrase, which is what did and does work best for me. But, and you’ll forgive me for beginning a sentence with a conjunction, I’ll try to be mindful of your concerns in the future.
Here’s one for Larry Bittner: How much wood would Kerry Wood carry —if Kerry Wood would carry wood?
Quote: “we=Cubs fans, moran!!”
Fine, dummy –now go back to the original: “when are we going to see pie [sic]?”
The next time we raid dad’s hamper for a peek at his Penthouse stash? Crypers, I dunno…
Who knew I had so much in common with Juan Pierre?
TRADE FOR SHAWN GREEN!!!
Oh a joke, who knew??? I was thinking baseball, I forgot the juvenile humor that whenever someone mentions a word that sounds like a body part we make jokes, I missed that one.
Why do I bring race into everything? Why do I pretend like I know Chicago sports? People know I’m a fraud, right? People know that I haven’t had my Reebok Walter Payton jersey for “like twenty years” like I told Kornhieser…right? I’m a fatter, balder, Scoop Jackson.
You are so right, sir. You should totally start your own website, man. How about throughtheknothole.com?
Worst commercial ever. Anyone in the DC area has been subjected to this.The production value is even worse than Eagle Man.
Scroll down and click the link, funny shit.