Pitchers:
Cubs: Carlos Zambrano, 0-0, 0.oo ERA
D’backs: Javier Vazquez, 0-0, 0.00 ERA
Starting Lineups
Cubs
CF Corey Patterson
2B Todd Walker
SS Nomar
3B E-ramis
RF Jeromy Burnitz
1B D. Lee
LF Todd Hollandsworth
C Michael Barrett
P The Lawnmower
D’backs
2B Craig Counsell
SS Royce Clayton
LF Luis Gonzalez
3B Troy Glaus
RF Shawn Green
CF Jose Cruz, Jr.
1B Andy Tracy
C Koyie Hill (gayest first name…ever)
P Javier Vazquez
Welcome to Desipio Gamecast 2005!
Kerry just said he starts this season “with a different burn.”
Penicillin, Kerry, penicillin.
Drinks are on me tonight, boys!
D. Lee said that “this year, I think we realize we need to come out with a sense of urgency from day one.”
If I remember right, things were a little, too urgent to start last year.
Penant or Bust! 2005 Chicago Cubs
Will Desipio be the go-to place for the next 6 hours as we celebrate all things Cubs and Illini-related?
I have to work in an hour so …
Go MLB.TV!
Help! Too…much…weight…groaning…
Yes. Who can forget that fever-pitched, all-important Cincinnati series in APRIL, when Dusty got tossed and 33,000 assclowns, who must have thought they were at the playoffs, stood up for every goddamn pitch?
I’ll take my urgent after Labor Day, thank you.
Sushi’s on me! We go 162-0h!
Sadaharo Oh, that is.
Yes, I no spell good!
Fuck you, Chuck.
Ahhh! Great to be back!
“Will Desipio be the go-to place for the next 6 hours as we celebrate all things Cubs and Illini-related? ”
Andy–you got the bandwith for that?
A loss in April counts every day of the season. Yes, even September. No, really!
Six hours! Dadgubbit, I jus’ can’ wait that long.
And I still don’t give a shit about Carolina. You’ll see that in six hours.
I wonder how many Desipiots picked me for the dead pool?
I got bandwidth all day.
Santo’s not a four foot putt for the pool, but he ain’t much farther than that.
I’m two for two so far, bitches! And I even did my sprint out to right field for my new greatest fans, buddies!
If my name weren’t “Tuffy,” do you think anyone would still be recalling my 3 HR game on Opening Day against the Mets?
its 2 for 3 you steroid freak
You hit three homers on opening day, and everybody remembers.
He took the first two pitches?
Gasp!
Fuck you Chuck!
fuck you chuck
Take that Chuck!
Had to get the first one out of the way.
1-1, OBA 1.000!
Take that, Gitles!
Three in a minute. Impressive.
Thanks, Todd. Thanks for swinging. I had 2nd stolen.
Screw You Chuck!!
A hit is as good as a walk, no?
I wonder what my parents would have named me if I was a boy?
What’s Korey’s OBP now?
Right side, Walker…
My OBP is “Fuck you, Chuck”
Sue works for a boy.
Ahh, the sounds of Pat Hughes describing each teams’ unis. Speaking of which, I had the Illinois-AZ game on the radio in between Las Vegas and Phoenix and Kevin Harlan does the same thing, except he described Arizona and Illinois’ uniforms at least 6 times, by my wife and I’s count.
When does batting practice end? I can’t wait until the game starts!
The visibility is great!
Here in Detroit.
I hate Gary Thorne already.
I miss Chippy.
Sigh…
You all love me so…..
That’s 1 ribbie for Nomar.
I wish this Nomar guy would take some pitches.
1-0 Cubs.
Like my gold plated bat?
We didn’t manufacture that run, dude. We created it.
Hey Javy, I’ll buy a homer off you! How much, you hump?
TJ–
Did you win on your bets?
My name is Kelly, but it least it ain’t Koyie.
I thought you all said this offense was supposed to suck?
I think Royce Clayton knocked that down with his dreadlocks.
I’m playing SS for D-backs today…Wait until I jog slowly back into the dugout…braids flying…
Hmm…
My batting average 1.000
Cubs’ former cleanup hitter’s batting average: .667
Sammy who?
I swing that other guy, buddy!
I type like him too.
Another one of my great pick up comes through. I am great.
Either my groin is still hurt from last July, or I have quite a lope when I run.
Who cares? I’m on third!
Sorry, fellas, the rally ends here. I don’t get hits in April.
Who don’t hit in April?
Hello from Atlanta!
Now THAT’S some two-out magic! Yay!
Except when I do.
I sent Derrek a calendar for Christmas that says
January
February
March
June
June
June
July
September
October
November
December
2-0 Cubs.
I am gearing up for my MVP season. 45 home runs and 120 RBI, bitches. Write it down, and i’ll sign it.
Muchos gracias, mis hermanos.
Mike-
No. I had a $25 parlay that came oh so-goddamn close.. Arizona +5 1/2 (yeah, I know… but all I wanted was for them to cover), Louisville and WV OVER 140-something, Wisconsin +10, Badgers/Heels OVER 150-something, and Kentucky -1 1/2.
It’s too bad we spent Easter Sunday at my mother’s place in Scottsdale rather than in Vegas, because I could have at least hedged. Had UK won, it would have been $525.
Seperately, I took a $20 money line wager on WV.. just one of those hunches. Oh, so close…
In my return Saturday, I had Illinois -3 1/2, the OVER in the Illinois/Louisville game (144), UNC -5 1/2 (?), and the OVER in the Carolina/MSU game.
If Louisville could have shot a touch better, it would have been enough for Illinois to do more than let the air out of the ball the last 10 minutes, and I would have maybe won $220.
The Cubs Run Factory is open for business.
Yankee fans are laughing at me, I’m sure.
Quick show of hands…
Anybody remember when I was good?
Who is this Hermano you speak of, Carlos?
Nobody saw you when you were good, Javy. You pitched in Montreal.
Get used to that Holly
Now watch me catch all the errand throws from Aramis and Nomar.
Can we get an appropriate intro song for Z?
Ahem.
Dusty…um…you know…um…if Hollandsworth…uh…doesn’t work out…um…well, you know…
Yep, I’m 0 for 1 with a strikeout on the season. This obviously means I will strike out every at-bat this year.
Now watch me sit em down in order.
All right, Carlos. There are your two runs.
Hmm, Mia has me do all these errands…
Pick up a gallon of milk on the way home, cut the lawn, wash her car, pick up some dinner…
I guess DLee has me do some errand throws too.
Anybody think the Gladiator would have let that drop for a single? Hmm?
F9
One out.
“How does Counsell get the bat through the strike zone that quickly?”
He doesn’t. He hits .240.
I would have stumbled, sprinted toward the ball, and caught it as I fell over, leaving dumbass fans to think I made a “great” play.
YAY! I LOVE PUNS!
Hey gang!
Honesty compels me to say that Len Kasper sucks! Am I right?
Who’s with me!?!
As would Jim Edmonds…but he would win the Gold Glove for it.
Maybe that’s Counsell’s problem? He’s too quick. He’s always ahead of everything.
Maybe he needs to be poked in the eye?
I don’t find into my old unis anymore! Hmm…
Why do teams keep on signing me
Sorry. That’s “fit”. Evidently, steroids also melt your brain.
If anyone has stat tracker up and running, you can see that Yahoo! is having a tough time adjusting to the Washington Nationals era.
Apparently, the Expos are coming back in Philadelphia…
I am the site of the Lawnmower’s greatest performance so far in his career…
My kneck hurts
What did I tell you? They can’t touch me.
CHIP!!!!! Come sign some autographs!
EFFING KEEL THEM CARLOS
What? My son did a movie on me? Why, you don’t say…
Whoever had “bottom of the first inning of the year” in the pool, please move to the front to accept your prize.
show me some love
Dammit! Why aren’t I out there?????
CARLOS HAS EFFING KEELED THEM
Oops.
“Top of Second”
Carlos Z BTW? This STUD Cub.
Ichiro who?
Hendry’s looking a little on the morbid side.
Extremely porky and sweaty, but it is Arizona.
In my best Nelson Muntz . . .Ha ha
Check out Looper’s line in the Reds 7-6 comeback win over the Mets. Pedro’s 12 Ks wasted. Bullpen woes already for the Mets.
Yawn. This will get old before too long…
Fuck You, Chuck.
fuck you chuck
That’s why we won last year, you know — I’m so durn handsome!
Carlos was slowing down around third trying to draw a throw so he could railroad Koyie at the plate.
3-0 Cubs.
The Mets lost? But THEY’VE got CARLOS BELTRAN!
Hendry looks like a candidate.
This batting coach shit is easy.
Hmm, is it too late to enter the D-30 school board race?
So everybody’s back on the bandwagon already? I’m not sure what get’s old quicker, Chuck’s Corey bashing, or Corey’s Chuck bashing.
2 Homeruns, 3 ER, 1 blown save and an the always popular ERA of infinity. Good times.
Apparently, I can hit.
Song for Carlos Zambrano = “Seeing Red,” Minor Threat. It’s not stadium rock, but it fits.
4-0.
1 for 2 with 2 RBI. MVP trophy is mine, bitches.
CT–
But it’s fun to bash Chuck!
Apparently, we can ALL hit. What the hell is going on?
It’s 4-0 Cubs already?
And they haven’t unleashed Hank White yet?
Gulp.
you sure about that Nomar?
Okay, bash him, just be funny. 12 guy’s saying “fuck you Chuck” isn’t funny anymore.
Hmm, I guess I should earn this money right away, no?
Make that 6-0 now. I thought we weren’t supposed to hit this year?
I haven’t seen a beating this bad since, well, ME.
Go get the Gimp
You’d think for 40 million he could hit it about six feet higher.
6-0 Cubs.
Aren’t baseball fundamentals great (not to mention 9 hits in 2 innings)
“Okay, bash him, just be funny. 12 guy’s saying “fuck you Chuck†isn’t funny anymore. ”
CT–
It WAS funny for the first time of the year.
I am that dead asian guy
Big Z is going nine today. I don’t want to burn my bullpen out. I’ve only got eight guys down there.
Doug Melvin: Uh, Javy…
Javy Vazquez: Yeah?
Doug: You…you’re not good. Go away.
Let’s hope we don’t blow it. Remember the Sox Opener last year…
I’m outta here. Go Illini.
thanks for the calendar Andy. I really appreciate that.
So, since I don’t have an ERA yet (infinity) is it technically lower than Javier Vaquez? I mean his is 37.06…and counting.
Who am I?
I’ve been on the phone with a client. How many K’s does that shmoe Korey have so far?
Did Jim Hendry just say, “Uni up?”
I don’t even want to know…
…!…
Well, tomorrow I run unopposed. So I’ve got that going for me….
Ugh.
Did David Kelton really clear waivers?
Visual joke:
Steve Bartman looks like shit.
No, Kelton did not clear waivers…the Cubs are LYING!
so where the fuck am i?
(and i can hit better than that)
Dave’s on a bus to Des Moines, and nobody goes there on a whim.
You are picking up Iowa hos with me.
Andy, dont you just love me?
I love you Mark.
So the Diamondbacks had Ryne Sandberg and Mark Grace throw out the first “pitch”?
Actually a throw from second to first.
How many games did Ryne play for the D’backs, exactly? Did I have a stroke and forget those years?
Hey Vazquez!
You takin’ notes?
Did Senor Brenly just call Gonzalez, Glaus and Green the g-force?
More like the g-spot! Because I love to hit them!
Did you ever notice that I kind of look like J.K. Simmons:
http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/article.jspy?md=20050404&content_id=999266&vkey=news_chc&fext=.jsp&c_id=chc
There goes the no hitter, the perfect game and the shutout. 7-1.
gopher ball
Is Brenly talking about an albino dove?
You mean, it was…uh…white?
did you see me try to catch that ball with my bare hands?
For next trick I will do my Joe Borowski imitation
The win, and the possiblity of Z getting some chin music in remain, however.
That’s what it sounds like when doves cry.
Fuck you dimitri young, im still a better footnote.
And, it was in 1995, not 1987 you fucking idiot.
Tuffy, you can’t even spell your last name.
Tuffy “Rhode” Island! Hah! I’m awesome!
I’m batting sixth today for the Phillies.
No shit.
I hit a two run homer.
thats how we spell it in japan
I think every time they talk about Matt Williams, they need to show his girlfriend.
Very nice.
I love it when the Cubs show the e-mail address for the announcers. Like anybody’s a big enough loser to sit by their computer when they watch the game.
Oh…
never mind.
Watch strike out swinging for a homerun.
That was for you Chuckie.
that was watch me strike out swinging for a homerun.
Look out Tuffy and Dmitri. I’m 2-2 with 2 HR and 5 RBI…in the fourth inning.
You suck Patterson, nitwit! KKKorey indeed, lame ass, trade this guy for Craig Wilson already.
And Z has 45 pitches through just 2 innings, what? On target for that 130 pitch, 5 inning effort on opening day I see, nice move Dusty, you moran!!!
Hollandsworth sucks ass too.
I’m not throwing many strikes. I might not be around for the full five.
That was a dumb shift with a runner on 3rd.
Am I great or what?
CRINGE.
Len just said “hitting shoes.”
Nooooo!
No he di’int!
“Hitting shoes”– Len Kasper’s best Chip Caray impression.
Sammy who?
I’m 2-3 too, Gladiator.
Take a look at this weblog, my friends, and tell me when I should just save the trouble and redirect my baseball blog here.
I posted on there. I’m a publicity whore!
Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you guys miss me yet? I’m not happy over here in Tampa, I’ll come back if you want me to. Chip used to say I was a gold glover you know.
Don’t worry Z, get through 5, I’ll take it from there. Dusty says I have experience.
Anybody see the strike zone?
Actually, my name’s Chad.
Well if we pile it on some more Dusty may just cave and pitch Wellemeyer [!!!]…we need to keep people fresh for the Dempster start…
Andy Fox = ex-Marlins infielder….and new Cubs pitcher?..Dusty can only hope.
Yea and like i read what you idiots have to say.
Andy Fox and I did steroids together!
Who knew that Greg Aquino is a black guy? Anybody?
Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whoo! I will not go hitless in ’05.
I’m ready coach…yeah no need to run up the score.
On of these days Todd Hollandsworth’s gonna get picked off…
Let’s all look at the data.
and break his shin.
Corey’s about to walk!
BALL FOUR!
Take that…oh, never mind.
Corey’s regular season walks > Corey’s spring training walks.
Ha!
And i have a walk now. What is my OBP now?
Len Kasper just made a singles joke. Ha!
It is 9-2 cubs now.
…”easy gas”….ok, Bob
Corey, you’re on base average is .750. Keep it there.
Take a seat Ozzie Smith, let the man take over.
I have easy gas.
I also have a window open now.
I can’t believe I am not a manager anymore.
I can’t believe gritty, gutty little Craig Counsell didn’t score from first on a double into the left field corner.
Why is Glendon Rusch warming up? Where’s The Todd?
Here you go Barrett have some easy gas.
Is Korey challenging me? He didn’t really get a walk, did he? I will have to go consult with this ivory of which you speak.
SHUT UP AND PITCH, WOOD!!!
does anybody know where the strike zone is?
That was awesome.
Hello!
Well Carlos was a little…um, mad.
Have begun…
Carlos walks in a run, gets taken out of the game, gets tossed from a game he’s already left and then goes Milton Bradley on the dugout.
I’d say he’s got those emotions in perfect order.
Well, Carlos just ensured he isn’t going to get any calls from a home plate umpire until July…
Yeesh.
It’s rally time!
Got those emotions under control, don’t I?
We’re outlaws! Bad-asses! Or something like that.
I don’t think Carlos really deserved to get tossed. He didn’t throw the business end of that hissy fit until after he’d been tossed.
And you culos gave me shit? Up yours, buddy!
Hey, these 40,000 people came here to watch me umpire!
I can’t be shown up by some spick!
We’re tougher. I have electric stuff and the tude’ to match.
Dude just dropped his nachos, lolz
Good one Len, “Rolling” hmm….
ain’t I the most annoying thing about the internet?
We’re back.
Dude has three singles. THREE..three hits that aren’t home runs and April isn’t even over yet. Ha!
Now Z will get squeezed by EVERY ump this season. That’s just, great???
Len Kasper needs a new home run call because that was just…wow..
MVP Derek Lee sounds real good to me.
3 RUN JACK!!!!!
You know, they are showing the same game on ESPN2. If you don’t like it, switch the channel or turn the volume down.
Dear Andy–
Thanks for the beautiful calendar, I love it! Please come over next weekend, it being Father’s Day and all.
Yours,
Derrek
Why would I turn the sound down on myself?
Hey, it’s me over on ESPN2! I’m the guy they actually wanted!
But was it BELTED?!?!?!?!?!?!
Wait a second, I though NL games only lasted 5 innings.
A calendar for Lee? Come on, Dolan. Where’s a pizza for me?
I apparently told Dale Scott to bend over and open his good eye.
I will KEEL HEEM!!!!!!!
You’re welcome, Derrek. I know what you can get your dad for Father’s Day.
A bigger bathrobe.
if you read it again, i said switch the channel, or turn the volume if you dont like me. Dumb ass.
Actually on my cable they’re showing Twins and Mariners…but maybe I’ll wheel out the ole radio and listen to Pat and Ron.
..and is it me or has Bob not said anything for a little while?
Its just you
Oh, right. Bob. I told him to shut up and go sell cars, or something.
Is it me or is Fran Drescher at least a moderately attractive woman?
Thyou know, the Cubth could’ve hired me intheadth, I with I would’ve got the thjob……
Its just you
Tell Z to watch out for that fan in the dugout runway, it’s a bitch.
“Busy t-shirt”?…”That’s the kind of t-shirt where the back is blank”? What?
I love it in Detroit! We’re 1-0 and I have a crackhouse across the street from my trailer!
Is it just me or is Loren Tate a very handsome man?
The shirts were ugly. Sorry if that offended you. But it should be a crime to wear those Hawaiian shirts.
Is the visibility still good out there? Late afternoon sun and all, hitters could be on edge.
This game will never end.
They’re giving away an Ernie Banks glove? Does it have fingers in it? Has glove technology not advanced since 1961?
Snowcone!
Huh?
BUDDY!!!!!
“SNOWCONE! He can play right field, fans!”
…cherry, please.
The Gladiator would have dropped that, bitches.
I would of dropped that ball.
I wouldn’t have even got to it, then I would have fumbled around trying to pick it off the track buddy.
JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!
OUTTA HERE…
…yeah..
What the hell did Jerry do?
Cheer for me, fools!
That MVP award is mine.
No, we’ll share it.
there was going to be a test?
Seven Cubs minor leaguers were among the 38 suspended for violating the steroid policy: Oscar Bernard, David Cash, Robinson Chirinos, Matthew Craig, Carlos Vazquez, Jesus Medrano, and Kevin Reinking. All got 15 games for first offenses.
Some mope for the A’s got his third suspension and a 60 day vacation.
DUBOIS! YES!
Did anybody see how waif-like I look?
Must be all those sweatin’ to Yanni tapes.
Beg pardon?
That’s Doo-bwah.
Am I still a D-Back?
You know, I’m really not that good of a pitcher (craning neck towards bullpen, begging for assistance).
You might be a sidewinder..you’re certainly good enough.
Glendon– if you’re going to vulture a win, you stay out there
Fifteen Cubs prospects tested positive for ‘roids? Yikes. They’re dumber than I thought.
::stands up and marches…I guess…::
Since Carlos didn’t go five, I can give the win to any Cubs pitcher other than him! The way Glen’s going, if he wants the win, he’d better get the next six outs.
15? Really? Where did you here that?
I’d like to thank baseball for waiting until June 1 to start the season.
Oh, seven got 15 days. I’m dumber than I thought.
WGN starts playing Illinois school song…
Brenly: “That just wants to make you stand up and march…”
Clap? Yes. March? Um, no.
20 hits today!
For the team, not me. 20 for me would be some kind of record.
I had the clap in March once.
Did anyone notice, this year’s Derrek Lee slump was much shorter than last year’s?
Can we get a side-by-side on D. Lee and Hee Seop?
What a goddamn show-off that jackoff Barrett is.
Article on ESPN.com says it was seven Cubs: http://espn.go.com/minorlbb/news/2005/0404/2029779.html
I was worried I wouldn’t sweat enough while I was on the DL, so, as you just saw in the dugout, I have grown a full beard.
Once again Andy, thanks, you’re swell.
Fuck you…oh, forget it.
Where’s Chuck?
3-5 with a walk and two RBI. Suck it!
Oh, shit, I’m preempting Chip’s favorite show, 7th Heaven!
Its opening day, he always hits well on opening day.
I haven’t heard all of the game on WGN, but I must say I have been disappointed with both the style and content from Len Kasper and Bob Brenly so far. Now, I must point out I didn’t like Chip Caray at all. But, Kasper has been SOOOOOOOO boring in the parts of the game I have heard I can barely stand it.
As for Brenly, well, he’s just getting back in the announcing game and he’s replacing a legend in Steve Stone so I will give him a free pass for a while (Unlike Kasper, who had been announcing for a while with Florida), but his analysis and content have not been that good today, again in only my opinion. But, I will refrain from criticizing him more at this particular moment because he had been a good analyst for FOX in past years and is just getting back into analyzing games now after his stint as a manager.
1-2-3 Baby! Seventh Heaven coming up next.
I am NOT Andy Pratt!
I like this whole National League thing. Can I hit every day?
And I can rake!
I can rake. Buddy.
You are no me either. Boy was I on today.
He should play in place of Korey
Get off of me Andy!
I have impeccable control. You’re gonna miss me.
Bastards! I’m the only one who hasn’t played!
That’s fine, BC. We hate you, too.
1 down, 95 more wins to go.
If the Cubs get 16 every day, I like their chances.
Go Illini!
Lets go ‘heels!
Get in line.
Score 2592 runs.
Slap 3726 hits.
Belt 324 homers.
Strike out 1296 times.
Receive 162 ejections.
Boy, I’m not very good tonight.
Hey, check it out!
My ERA is 37.80.
Oh yeah, Javy? My ERA IS ——-. What now?
What a day! Cub slug it out playing some small ball with a some homerun help to start the season. Then the Illini fall to the Heels and Roy Boy wins. Instead of payday it’s Mayday. I’m sorry for all you Big Ten fans, but forget it, the ACC was and is the best conference in the country. You put the Illini in the ACC or Big East this year and they might finish 30-9. Sorry folks, Big Ten sucked this year. I bet Mr. May is so glad he didn’t go to Indiana where he would have been watching.
GO HEELS AND GO CUBS!
It’s baseball season now and no more Illini.
Baker Basher
P.S. Dusty couldn’t screw this one up today no matter what he did. Just sit and be silent chewing on that pick, and we’ll be fine. Go Baby Blue!
3 teams in the elite 8 and 3 in the final four…yeah we suck. “GO HEELS AND GO CUBS!” Yeah how about GO RED SOX AND GO DUKE! Yeah, I like teams that win or have a hip fan base too. Awesome! Unlike your bullshit comments.
It’s okay Baker Basher, you don’t need to apologize.
Baker Basher.
Hey Andy, you can go back to liking us now!
Honesty compels me to say that the Big 12 is every bit as competitive as the ACC. You cannot stop those Mighty Cyclones, you can only hope to contain them. Of course, they lost to Carolina by 27 in round two, but it was a fluke!
Also, I predict big things for the Beege this year. He’s a hall of famer in my book!
Yeah, Baker Basher is right. The ACC is soooooo good. Their excellence shone through when Duke CRUSHED Michigan State. North Carolina also just dominated everyone on the way, like Villanova, the fourth-best team in the Big East, and Wisconsin, the third-best team in the shit-ass Big Ten. Hell, Michigan State even held their own against UNC early. North Carolina showed just how good they were early in the season when they played Indiana in the Assembly Hall. Didn’t they beat the Hurryin’ Hoosiers by seven whole points?
The veritable genius, Baker Basher, knows a thing or two about college basketball. Conference USA is where it’s at, although we’re disbanding and Basher’s alma mater is joining most of us in the Big East. But Cincinnati, Louisville, Memphis and UAB, are the schools that take the “college” out of college basketball. Our combined graduation rate is about 9 percent, which is saying something when you consider the calibre of minds that actually receive a sheepskin from these schools.
We won, so we are the best.
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