Ah… there it is! Any word on why Ordonez is still with the team, let alone starting?

1 Craig Biggio, LF
2 Adam Everett, SS
3 Carlos Beltran, CF
4 Lance Berkman, RF
5 Jeff Bagwell, 1B
6 Jose Vizcaino, 2B
7 Morgan Ensberg, 3B
8 Brad Ausmus, C
9 Pete Munro, P

Mark Grudzielanek, 2B
Corey Patterson, CF
Sammy Sosa, RF
Moises Alou, LF
Aramis Ramirez, 3B
Derrek Lee, 1B
Michael Barrett, C
Rey Ordonez, SS
Mark Prior, P

Why is Rey batting in front of me?

I’m hitting for the cycle today! I’m due!

Hey BC, I’ve batted second twice during this nine-game hitting streak. When will you ever learn? What are they teaching you at that state school, anyway?

Go milk a cow, bumpkin.

Chip is using that "first out of the chute" line a little too much. Then again, when you never shut up for four hours every day, you’re bound to repeat yourself.

Occasionally my former Gold Glove ability shows up.

Just occasionally.

I think we should start keeping track of the number of fuck-ups on the WGN telecast. Except I don’t know if even an MIT grad could count that high. Remember when they used to be good at covering baseball?

Hello Mark remember me?

Ron Santo cannot say my name without sounding like he is throwing up

The Franchise has a little "I’ve been programmed to be an athlete my whole life and I must follow this protocol every time" in him. It’s like Todd Marinovich without the drug problem. Every time the ball is hit in the air, whether its a pop-up for a 380 foot flyout to the warning track he points at it. I’m sure that’s just the kind of assistance the outfielders can use.

Come in this booth with me, the smell coming from Hughes will make you throw up.

Good call, Andy. Watch ESPN when they do the games at Wrigley and see how much better of a telecast it is. More camera angles, better switches, everything.

I hear the Cubs games on HD are great, but I’m not going to get a Hi-def TV until their telecasts are available on the satellite dish.

Look at me, bitches!

does ron ever disagree with pat?

Jimy Williams is bitching at the first base ump that Moises’ "check swings" are really swings.

Hey Jimy, shut your yapper, he’s more liable to accidentally hit the ball and roll it to the pitcher than not.

Moises hit the crap out of that one. About 140 feet.

Cubs 1, Astros 0.

how you like my sand wedge

Corey, I was dissing Dusty, not you.

Didn’t I strike out on those pitches yesterday?

Andy, sadly, yes, a LOT of people were calling the Score saying E-Ramis should have bunted. It was nuts. Even Mike Murphy agreed that you don’t bunt with E-Ramis (who has 3 career sacrafice bunts, the last coming in 2000). People are stupid.

Andy, I beg to differ. See, once you plug in the multivariate analysis into the Pythagorean theorem, it is obvious that in 98% of such situations, a Ramirez bunt is the best play.

See how smart I am? I mean, who else could have been brilliant enough to start Mabry over Rolen yesterday?

That’s right. No one.

I don’t know, I might have started Mabry…I bet he could have pitched at least 5 innings.

I don’t read Couch. Even when we link to him. Sleestak, either.

One of those lines Simmons had about the Red Sox (Something about not doing the little things) seems to be remarkably similiar to things the Cubs are doing on a regular basis so far this year.

How about I throw a strike?

I said Maddux should have pinch hit for Ramirez yesterday to lay down a bunt.

i also don’t know a phucking thing about football.

How many good things has Chip said about Biggio already today? I am just listening to the radio right now (Thank goodness)…

Gas!…he gone!

Mets 6
Reds 0
Top 8th

does this mean anything at all?

Well, the Reds are tied with the Cubs for second at this moment.

We’re still due, too, Rey.

I thought the Generals were due!

Thanks for Conwaying our Korman

But he can still get me out

I don’t fear shit. And I don’t want to talk about it.

We’re doing our best to blow this one, buddy.

Was I the worst slogan for a team ever?

I think I’m a little bit worse.

Did someone say a little bit bad? Cha-ching!

Cruise control.

Those are bad slogans, but was any slogan more ill concieved that "History in the making"?

How can you not pummel Munro? He holds the ball nice and high and you see it the whole way. He might as well just write "hit me!" on the ball.

And the worst slogan is the 2003-04’s "Everything Can Change In The Blink Of An Eye." Yeah, it can get worse.

I can fly!

Stolen base.

57

But significantly fewer since the first and now a 2-0 lead.

Hey Mike North–

Bunt this, you phuckin’ genetic mishap.

My bad, 57 pitches through 4.

Hmm, maybe I should have moved Biggio back to second and put Lane in the outfield…nah.

I was about to say the same thing

I guess not…

Trying to make up for that huge error I made in St. Louis

can we trade Ordonez now that he has "some" trade value? I bet we could get a bucket of sunflower seeds or something. Maybe for Carlos Beltrans’ autographed jock strap?

My transformation into Nolan Ryan II is nearly complete. I rely on my fastball almost exclusively … and it works!

Only at 62 pitches through five, what’s more, and the last inning took me just five… I quite fancy a CG today.

Gosh I missed you Corey

We’re ready to come in and start walking guys, just give us the nod!

Seven pitches?

Aren’t you hoping I kick Mariotti’s ass? Really, I know you hate me, but not nearly as much as Jay, right?

I own Cubs pitching

I’ve got to believe that the Cubs will make a run at Beltran in the off-season if the Astros don’t re-sign him. I think he’d have an MVP-type season playing 81 games a year in Wrigley.

Dave, based on his current stats, Beltran would hit 81 homers at Wrigley alone.

They just showed Stoned Farnsworth, the drug-addled love child of The Farns and his Redneck Woman and I hope it was on tape from earlier in the game, or The Farns has his kid in the dugout and Farnsy’s not wearing a uniform.

I would love to be a Cubbie and hit 81 homeruns. Then Billy Crystal will make a movie about me hit a bunch of homeruns. It’ll be called "81".

Apparently I can’t say, "I got it!"

Boston’s out field would be really good @ the plate…Nixon, Beltran and Ramirez if that trade took place.

I know everyone’s saying that Prior is having control and curveball issues today, but from the perspective of someone whose only perspective on the game is through MLB’s gameday, he looks pretty good – a 5 pitch fifth inning is pretty awesome.

Even though you’re up 3, it’s OK to touch Redding up for some runs like everyone else does.

We’ve depleted our stash of runs for the day.

I am also very good at the plate.

Guys,
My arm is getting stiff. I’d appreciate it if some one could get on base. I’d really love to wave you home on a single to the outfield.

Where’s Chuck at today? I was hoping he’d be clever and mock my defense again. Oh, wait, he can’t.

Besides, Steve says I should win the Gold Glove. And Steve is never wrong.

I wasn’t bad eating off a plate either.

Little known fact, the grass is so high at Wrigley that half the time I’m waving my arms I’m just trying to make enough breeze so I can see through the parted grass.

That was the greatest ugly double play I’ve ever seen. 5-4-3.

Ensberg singled? Time to get the bullpen up.

Do you realize how many El Presidentes one would have to drink before Rey started looking like a major leaguer?

Start at "a lot" and keep going.

My bad guys. I didn’t have time to eat one of those "special" tacos and a pepsi. I should have time before my next at bat.

I’ll take a pitch first and really confuse Chuck.

I’m a little dickens

Beege are we really related?

I’ll give Beltran his "walking" papers

Our only hope is that Mercker walks Beltran, otherwise it’s about to be 4-4.

Come save me, Remlinger.

Welcome to the "Beltran’s bitch" Club Mr. Merker.

The only difference between the Astros this series from the last time the Cubs played them is me. Without me it would have been two straight sweeps.

Thanks, shithead.

Big whup

My slugging percentage against lefties is .526. It’s just not worth it to turn me around to bring in an inferior pitcher. Farnsworth should have come in to pitch to me there, not Mercker.

Do I not study up on hitters?

Who didn’t see that homer coming?

I hate to think it’s possible, but maybe all the bitching the Cubs have done about balls/strikes is coming back to haunt them. They sure seem to get squeezed a lot. Hughes and Santo were having a fit on that 2-2 to Lamb.

Hey, remember that Prior guy? He was pretty good.

Bubble…bubble..bubble.

Mr. Hendry,

Will you please get me off this horrible O’s team? I’m left handed and I strike people out. That is the requirement for being on this staff right?

Sorry BJ, your stats show that you hold lefties to a .044 batting average. We like our lefties to give up lots more hits than that. Try walking a few more guys, too.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/players/splits?statsId=6294

Chuck’s Web sit is something! The next time I need to either cure sleeplessness or give myself diarrhea, I’ll click on over again.

Web sit..web site…whatever.

I remember when I was on a tear. That was fung.

I’m throwing the next one into the dugout.

My God, Sosa’s gotta BUNT!!!

Silly Astros,

Did you think I don’t know how to run the bases?

Fine, I’ll bunt.

This strike zone sucks!

Where’s the one for Roger?

I never left. I just wear Mercker’s uniform, that’s all.

Weren’t we the same pitch?

Nice umpiring.

#207, I’ll toss your ass so fast you won’t know what hit you. Just like Sarge. Just like Sarge.

Way to work me, Mikey.

I’m going to hit my first homer now, aren’t I?

I’m stalling to prevent Reggie from killing the queen.

#214, it’s a secret. Only I know where the strike zone is, and even I’m not sure at times.

The strike zone is with me in my undisclosed location.

How many times will you see "caught stealing 2 unassisted" and it’s not an attempted steal of home?

Anybody see me throw my bat at Derrek Lee as he tried to catch that popup?

Someone please explain ‘caught stealing, catcher unassisted’

Can I do my Kirk Gibson impression now?

Your daily minor league update:
Keep an eye on: Cubs 1B Brandon Sing, who set a new Daytona record with his 25th home run. With two months remaining in the season, Sing is just eight home runs away from the all-time Florida State League record of 33

B.Sing 1B 4AB 2R 1H 3RBI .294 – HR (25), 2 BB, 2 K
B.Dopirak DH 4AB 3R 2H 0RBI .310 – BB

Are the Astros bringing Lidge in this inning? Or is Jimy saving him for the possible save?

I’m ending this crap, right now.

I pitched 2 yesterday in the longest game ever.

Will I play short next inning?

Yeah, it’s not like I’m up next inning.

Okay Corey, make us proud.

Screw that. Just get him out.

See, it’s not that tough.

Sosa
Alou
E-ramis
Derrek

phuck

Yeah looks like that the genius known as Jimy wasted out whole bench

Fuck you Brad Lidge!

Fuck you who don’t think I’m an All-Star!

Cubs win!

Cubs Win,Buddy

Sosa should have been slug-bunting there.

My pitch count:

1.

Phew! After yesterday’s 35-pitch outing yesterday, at least I only threw one pitch today.

20 home runs for me by the All-Star break

Don’t forget RBI, buddy. 20 HR and 40 RBI by the break.

Somebody better get Potter on suicide watch

The Score is reporting today that both the Cubs and White Sox are showing serious interest in Mariners closer Eddie Guardado.

I’ll believe that when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.

Good news, Matt Morris is pitching like ass.

Pinstripes or softball jerseys today?

Biggio LF
Everett SS
Beltran CF
Berkman RF
Bagwell 1B
Bizcaino 2B
Ensberg 3B
BAusmus C
Clemens P

Walker 2B
Barrett C
Sosa RF
Alou LF
Ramirez 3B
Lee 1B
Patterson CF
Martinez SS
Clement P

Blue jerseys go better with my big blue socks

Is it wrong for a couple guys to take a nap together in the clubhouse during a game?

I’m 3-for-3 in murdering rallies today. There was only 1 out this time when the bases were loaded so I hit into another DP instead of striking out again.

Too bad we don’t have anyone who has 76 RBIs to play 3B on the day before an off day.

Pipe down, John. Who’s the genius here, you or me?

Pirates did their Cubs impression and scored no runs with the bases loaded and no outs.

Looks like the Beege is ready to make amends for last night.

Can I take my mulligan?

Much like Mr. Edmonds….We’re at our best when we’re coming from behind.

Genius, I just struck out again with the bases loaded. This time with 1 out. So that’s 2 Ks and 1 DP with the bases loaded today, and it’s only the 7th.

What was that, like six pitches?

At this pace, Pat’s afternoon growler is going to last four innings today.

Don’t worry, buddy, I saw Rocky. We’re getting him tired like Rocky did, buddy. I’m a gladiator.

The next will be my first off of Clemens. 0-8, 4K lifetime right now.

Maybe I should just bean the guy…

5-4 Pirates, bottom 8.

You’re welcome! I’ve got three RBI today.

I’m so glad the Genius left Morris in to give up a fifth run!

I can almost hear Chip talking about walking the DANGEROUS Craig Biggio.

I hear everything. I can hear the worms burrowing in the dirt.

I know the feeling Jose

Hmmm, maybe I’ll leave Morris in for the 9th and the 10th.

Bases loaded nobody out and the Cardinals only get one. Renteria grounded into a double play to score Marlon Anderson, then Mabry (surprise!) grounded out with the go ahead run on third.

Due up in the Pissburgh ninth, Stynes, Kendall and Jack Wilson. If anybody gets on Rob Mackowiak.

Why would anybody get on Rob Mackowiak?

Edmonds, I suppose.

I’m in for the ninth in Pissburgh!

I just wanted to extend the inning to tire out Biggio by making him run the bases.

Whoever this Chuck guy is, he can keep ripping me. It won’t make him right.

i stink

i stink

According to Yahoo, with 2 out and men on 1st and 3rd, Jose Mesa is coming to the plate.

We have runners at first and third in the ninth and two outs and Craig Wilson is due up, well, I mean should be due up, but I double switched and now it’s Jose Mesa. So I have to use one of my tremendous pinch hitters…Bobby Hill.

0-5, 11 LOB.

This has got to be some kind of record.

Base hit by me did win it. Most I ever did for the Cubs (other than being trade bait for E-Ramis)

I know better than anyone that Julian Tavarez is the man you want pitching with the game on the line.

Vizcaino’s putting the next pitch out of the park, wanna bet?

I’m still standing in the dugout giving Tony "The Redbird!"

It’s my asthma!

Maybe I’ll just walk the ballpark.

How do you guys like it when I say things like, "Well, let’s see if he’s been observing the game, not just watching it?" Aren’t I clever?

Chip,
Remember when you fly home this weekend, we’re gonna have another "basketball lesson" in your ass. I mean, in your pool.

Hitting a cow or a bull in the ass with a banjo is harder than you think. It’s almost as hard as getting out from under center without falling down.

I’m going to walk Clemens to get to the Beege…

How are you going to hit a cow in the ass with Jim Edmonds in the way?

Man, I’m better than Houdini.

I only stick my head up the bull’s ass because I don’t like to take my butcher’s word for it.

How many times am I going to tell you that Sammy hit his first career HR against Clemens?

74 pitches through four innings. Is that a lot?

I don’t have any spots.

Wasn’t I hitting .318 a couple of weeks ago?

Man, I was good!

I’ll do that to you, Mike.

Ok why am I not at 1st base?

‘Strikes’ two and three to Ramirez look a bit off the plate on Sportsline. Did they look that bad?

"Strike" two was in the dirt, and "strike" three behind me…

I was at the game last night and saw some horrific umpiring by Dana DeMuth. Is Joyce just trying to make the ‘crew chief’ look better?

We’re a little bothered by Moises trying to play us for fools.

morpheus, just because I decided to change the entire strike zone around the 6th inning doesn’t mean I’m a bad umpire…it means I’m a horrible umpire.

Time to make Clement pay.

How many innings do I have to go today?

100 pitches through 5 innings. That’s good, right?

Sit down next to me and shut up, Bako. I think its best that neither one of us call attention to ourselves. If Dusty remembers we’re on the team he’ll play us. And if he plays us, we’re one step closer to getting released.

Friday is NIU Alum Day at Wrigley. We’ll honor our most famous alums, including:

Dan Castalenetta, the voice of Homer Simpson
Joan Allen, Oscar nominated actress
Steve Harris, Emmy nominated Actor on ABC’s The Practice
Terry Boers, Assclown radio hack and sportswriter
Andy Dolan, Internet "celebrity"

Ahh, screw it, we’re not claiming Dolan.

I really need to figure out how o be consistent

Jeez, my first and third pitches to Bagwell were strikes for Clemens!

We’re dousing Wuertz in Diesel fuel so he’ll burn more evenly.

for Matt Clement

Just when you thought things couldn’t possibly get any Wuertz.

… and I’d have John Mabry pinch hitting and playing 2B.

Minor league notables:
A-CHC B.Sing 1B 5AB 2R 2H 6RBI .294 – 2 HR (24)
A-CHC B.Dopirak DH 3AB 2R 1H 3RBI .308 – HR (22), 2 BB

FYI-Team USA 16, Team Canada 6 – outscored Canada 66-22 in six-game sweep

Hell, that was easy.

Take it easy! It was just me.

Easy, boys, it was only me he got out. Wait until the rest of the lineup tees off on him in the sixth…

It’s STILL June…

Remember last time I was up? I went like 2 scoreless innings then got shelled after that. I swear on Berkman’s fat arse that I won’t do it this time.

I’m a doubles machine

Arse?

Don’t worry, I can’t possibly screw up in this situation.

Oh, but I know someone who can.

Can’t get my pants dirty. Yeah, I was safe but I deserve to be out for looking at the play the whole time and still go in standing up. I’m an idiot.

I’m sorry, am I up at the plate?

This umpiring crew are a bunch of Co@c$u@k##$

No Mike, but I am. That’s just as good.

Oooh, do I get to play first base now?

Get me Kirk Bullinger!

Martinez, get your first baseman’s mitt, I’m coming in!

We’re completely confused.

I’m at work, checking in periodically on the game on MLB’s GameDay. Can someone tell me why Baker got ejected?

We’ve got Wuertz up with a 3-2 count.

We’ve got either Macias or Wuertz up, we can’t decide.

I caught that, right? Can I open my eyes now?

Lee thought he wasn’t out at third, turned out he was, a couple of pitches later, Joyce motioned toward the dugout and threw someone out, then Dusty came out yelling and screaming (all the while, keeping the toothpick in place — you try it sometime, ain’t easy), then Dusty went back sat on the bench and didn’t go anywhere, then Walker hit a SF…whew…

You mean we scored a run with the bases loaded?!?

And lost in the shuffle was that I walked on a pitch that was a strike approximately 30 minutes ago, but that was before Johnnie B. scared the hell out of Jim Joyce, who would have been better off sticking with Ulysses.

MLB Gamecast is even more confused than me. Uh… I.

Aw, jeez…

I made that look MUCH more difficult than it actually was…

Hitting Coach Gary Matthews got tossed.
Hm, the hitting coach gets tossed, and moments later Jose F. Macias ACTUALLY DRAWS A WALK. Coincidence??

I wish I’d got tossed.

Dagnanit, beat myself to it.

When do Wuertz and I become "vaunted?"

I can just keep pitching Beltran, Farns and Hawkins every day, right?

is any place Roger throws the ball.

…is the Astros defense that they can’t turn 2 on Sammy and Moises?

I guess we can turn that one though.

My clutch is slipping!

That landed in another zip code.

by the way, I’m not really from Chicago.

Oh boy, I can hardly wait to try out today’s strike zone.

I just hit my second solo homer of the day.

OK. I’m too lazy to take the time to check it out for myself. What happened with Lee earlier in the game when he was out…no, wait, safe….never mind. Out.

I really should bat lefty against this puss pot. But I think I’ll make it harder on myself just for kicks.

I do enjoy walking guys.

Maybe I’ll throw a strike someday…

It’s hard to swing with an enormous fork sticking out of your back. I really should retire now.

Well, that was an electric, personalitytastic rendition, Ryno. Don’t get too comfortable in here just yet, son.

We got a baserunner to drive in!

I wonder how I’ll be tomorrow?

OK, ya buncha fkkrs. Thanks for letting me know what happened with Lee.

That strike three call was so bad I actually yelled "baloney!"

Re: #226

Got a problem with us?

I actually cost you two outs with that bad strike three call.

You think I have a God complex? I am God!

Both Clemens and Clement with 4 H and 5 BB, with Clement going 104 pitches in 4 2/3 IP and Clemens sitting at 99 pitches currently through 6 2/3 IP.

Pitch efficiency anyone?

Well, I guess it was a strike.

Then again Clemens does have 6 K’s to Clement’s 5. Maybe thats why he’s got a higher pitch count. (wait he doesn’t!)

I could have turned that grounder into a hit.

On defense, at least.

Just hit it to The Beege.

David Justice knows me very well.

Erm, actually, pretty much everybody has met me.

Did Ron just call out the ump saying that the last pitch would be a strike for Clemens? Where’s thais broadcaster been for 10 years?

I remember when I used to get the strike calls that Clettitte gets. Those were the days. I miss those days. Excuse me while I dry my tears on this huge pile of cash.

Clang!

I just said that if you’ve only got one hand you should catch the ball in the webbing of your glove not the heel.

Pete Gray is nodding in his coffin.

I’m obsessed with the runner at first! Home run to a crappy hitter coming up!

Making up for me with a 4-6-3 would be pretty neat.

Creeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaak….

You do me proud, Barrett!

Am I coaching third for the Astros?

How’s the visibility?

Lottery numbers, please.

Steve, you’re a scary man.

OK, 268 and Steve, that’s just creepy.

I got in the middle of it to atone for my error.

I’m sure Chuck will find a reason to bitch about Corey’s end of it, somehow.

I’m patting myself on the back.

I’m doubling down on Sammy’s homer right here.

Does that make me half right?

No. 278 – Yeah, I couldn’t bear the thought of Roger Clemens losing a game I umped, so I reversed the call. We’re still in the top of the 8th.

Sammy could have run to third, I can’t throw the ball more than nine feet.

Love that no out magic

I can’t throw the ball because I hurt myself running into Michael Barrett.

What’s the opposite of vaunted?

Bring on Brad Lidge! I shall smote one to the Avenue of Waveland and send my legions of fans into wild postulations of celebration!

Hey, I am one of the Three Musketeers after all!

Did you ever notice that the guy who ends the top of an inning by running into the catcher usually makes a two-base error in the bottom of the inning?

Don’t worry E-ramis. I got this. I’m going to end June with a bang.

Really, is it that hard?

Shit! Hey Moises I hit it to The Beege. He caught it?

samantha, all the way

By the way guys, I’m on the market again.

Not now, Alyssa, there’s a game on.

Is this Korey coming of age? Right here?

Or is he just a Cora wanna be?

Did you like my 11 pitch walk?

Do I still suck?

Fuck you guys!

That was some AB by Corey. He still has that whole baserunning riddle to figure out, but he’s getting better.

Please pinch hit for me!

Sure he will Andy!

Who’s left? Kirk Bullinger?

Nice cans, huh?

Wait, wait – you’re saying that above the knee is a STRIKE?

Well, that only took me 24 pitches.

Now will you guys please pay attention to me?

Don’t hit it to me.
Don’t hit it to me.
Don’t hit it to me.
Don’t hit it to me.
Don’t hit it to me.

HAHAHAHA!! Oh, man. Sorry guys, for sucking so damn much today. My bad.

I got that, buddy!

Actually, it’s Frank (Swung On) Beltran.

This is the longest 2-2 9-inning game I’ve ever seen.

Have the Cubs and Astros moved to the American League?

Is Pudge Fisk catching?

I should just tank this thing so I can get traded back out of Texas before the deadline.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu…

I still hate Texas

Whew. Glad I got out of that without blowing a save.

Well, at least you didn’t have to use me!

I’ll be in tomorrow’s game, that’s for sure!

If we tie this, I’m playing shorstop!

Well, Lidge is still in. Theoretically, he should be tired.

Theoretically.

I don’t think so Gruddy!

Can I do it again?

Theoretically, I shouldn’t hit 2 HRs in the same month.

Thanks Cubs, for making me work hard again in the 9th for this save.

Lidge should be good for thre or four inings tomorow, to!

Have any of you’s noticed that ever since Chip came back from that Sox VS Cubs "break" he’s been acting more like a CUBS announcer than a "I’m neutral and root for whoever’s winning…especially when its St. Louis or the Astros" announcer? When those homeruns from the oppossing team went out of Wrigley I did not hear Chip get all excited and almost clap his hands with joy. I heard an "uh-oh" from him when Beltran hit his in the 9th!!! Has he been receiving THAT much hate mail? Ya think????

Per the Score, Gabor Bako hit a line drive that grazed Kerry Wood’s chin during today’s simulated game.

There are so many things wrong with that sentence, it’s unreal.