Remember last summer when those Cubans got caught trying to sail Albert Pujols’ yacht to Miami?

Well, they are at it again. It’s still a Chevy, and it’s still that lovely green, but this time it was a car. A loverly 1951 Aquanaut if I’m not mistaken.

This makes sense, considering Albert is about to go to an arbitration hearing with the Cardinals that will likely net him about $10.5 million, so he can afford a new yacht.

But I’m still partial to the original.

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Speaking of boats and old guys, this Survivor: All-Stars thing is a keeper. We may try another ShowCast on Thursday night. The hardest part of any Survivor is that it takes you three or four shows to get a fix on the “cast.” Not on this one. We already know which ones are which (except for Amber, who I inexplicably forgot from the Outback), and so far they’re not disappointing.

Green Tribe (Mogo Mogo)
Dick Hatch: He’s just as naked and smarmy as he was in the original. So far he has (allegedly) smuggled matches into the game by ramming them up his hiney (not making this up), refused to catch a fish (which was his saving grace in Survivor I), bragged about how his blubber is keeping him warm and well fed and basically just been way too naked way too much. Last night, he very nearly got his little Dick Hatch knocked off when he fell out of a boat. Eww.

Colby: The best, and dumbest, Survivor of All-Time, he had to be happy to see Tina get the boot after the first show. Remember in the Outback, all he had to do was take Keith with him to the finals and he’d have won. Oops. Colby’s trying to use that Schick commercial to erase our other biggest memory of him. That he spooned with his mom in the back of a Pontiac Aztek on national TV. Ugh.

Kathy: She should be axed immediately for not having the brains to use those Coke bottle glasses of hers (we saw them first thing last night) to start a fire. Moran.

Lex: A troubling moment for me occurred last night when the Illustrated Man was seen spooning with Dick Hatch for warmth. Thankfully, a second look at the tape showed that it wasn’t Dick Hatch, but Kathy. Phew. She’s bad…but she’s not the guy Colby describes as, “just really gay, and naked and fat.”

Shii Ann: Why is she back? She sucked the first time around. If this is Survivor: All-Star, she’s the Jamaal Magliore of the group.

Jenna M: We’ve seen her naked (in Playboy) and dressed like Raquel Welch (for Peta)

She’s gotten almost no air time so far. So it seems unlikely that a rumor making the rounds that she’s not long for the island might not be true.

Red Tribe (Chapera)
Boston Rob: So far his creepy little mustache hasn’t grown in yet, and he looks like a skinny Jimmy Kimmel. He’s been the funniest one so far, and he was the only one to say what we all thought when that rickety crate showed up on their island. Just break into the damn thing. It’s Survivor!, Anal Probst himself told us in the last edition that the only rules are that you can’t hit anybody and you can’t conspire to share the money. Get a rock and start smashing.

Funny Rob: He seems intimidated by the other Rob and hasn’t said much.

Sue: Wisconsin’s finest didn’t do much last night, but she made quite an impression the first week by showing off her complete lack of any chest and drinking the “brain parasite” water. She’s so dumb she’s hilarious.

Alicia: Gay as the day is long (not that there’s anything wrong with that), she’s the most detestible person on the island for me. Loud, obnoxious and wrong most of the time. It’s like having to hang out with Tony LaRussa every week.

Amber: Boston Rob says she’s “beautiful”. Well, certainly after the Stuff Magazine airbrushers get done with her she is.

Big Tom: He’s still big and goofy. He’s also trying to be careful not to shoot his mouth off around Alicia too much. I kind of hope he cracks her over the head with a rock.

Yellow Tribe (Saboga)
Tina: Funny Rob pegged her as “fake” and he was right. She’s also hanging out in a Panamanian hotel having room service on CBS’s dime. And she’s a millionaire.

Rudy: Got the axe last night, and threatened to have Jerri and Jenna killed. Awesome. Rudy’s a keeper. He drank the evil “brain parasite” water and told tales of picking up hookers in ‘Nam, or something. He was “sunk” when Ethan was too dumb to get out of the boat as they tried to bail it out (how obvious was it to just turn the thing over–which the other two tribes did). Rudy’s bum foot needed a few days to heal, and heading to Tribal Council that night was curtains for him.

Jerri: So far the best moment of the whole show was the first night when the tribes saw each other for the first time and Colby saw Jerri and looked like he wanted to dig a hole and stuff her in it. She’s back and trying to act nice this time. She even cried when the tribe sent Rudy packing. Whatever. And yeah, she’s not aging well.

Ethan: Rumors have it that he and Jenna “hooked up” on some weird Eco-Challenge thing on the USA Network. It’s pretty obvious she’s not a fan anymore.

I can’t imagine spending more than ten minutes with her, because that voice could peel the paint off of Pujols’ yachts. Yikes. Somewhere there’s a joke here about trying to keep her mouth full, but I won’t go there.

Jenna: Why didn’t Rudy, Ethan and Rupert just band together and dump her last night? It was fun to see her singe off her bangs though.

A few great moments from last night.
-This one’s just disturbing, but last night was very penile. First we had the whole thing with Dick Hatch dropping trow at every chance. How’d you like to have the job of the guy who has to follow him around and blur out his naughty bits? Then when his tribe finally started a fire, Rupert did a little safety dance and the camera angle was a little too crotch-oriented for us. Then Dick Hatch nearly took a “header” out of the boat. That would have been hilarious.

Dick needs to heed the advice of two great Americans. George Constanza advised us to never keep a pen in our pants pocket to avoid acidentally puncturing our scrotums. Jerry Seinfeld taught us the difference between good and bad naked. Dick Hatch on the island is definitely “bad naked.” Here’s a guideline, if you need to wear shoes, you need to wear shorts.

-When Hatch fell into the water, Anal Probst got to crack wise and yell, “Richard Hatch takes a dump!”

-Boston Rob called Anal, “Pretty Boy Probst.” Nice.

-Of course the best was Rudy threatening to have those who voted against him “whacked” in his final words. So long codger, we’ll miss ye.

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Rosey’s not an All-Star Game fan, of any sport. I’ve only been to one, and it ended in a tie. But it was fun.

Look, there’s just no legal way to keep these kids from coming out early. How about this, just don’t draft them. It has turned out to be a pretty good NBA strategy. Draft the seniors and wait around and pick up the underclassmen after a few years when they’re free agents. Let somebody else babysit them. You listening Jerry?

Any Jerry will do.

Poor Teddy Greenstein, with Seabiscuit’s jockey (Paul Sullivan) on vacation, Teddy’s stuck with the Maddux hostage crisis.

Mark Guthrie signed with the Pirates. Hee hee. Muahahahahahahaha!

John Jackson tries to get us fired up for an Arena Football League-Pro Bowl combo. Pass.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut and points his thin skin at the Sox.

The Wizard of Roz loved “Miracle.”

What’s stranger? That Bobby Knight would charge the chancellor with his fists up, or that there’s a paper called the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal?

Sounds like the Johnnies found a real peach at that strip club. Yikes.

The Big Ten leaders have had some problems, too.

The Yankees say they didn’t offer Alfonso Soriano for Albert Pujols. Well, they should.

Matt Morris will take less money for the Cardinals to pay Greg Maddux, but not if they’re going to use the money on a new stadium. Oh, shut up.

Gee Dub’s going on Meet the Press Sunday.

Howie Kurtz says that they’re even “practicing”. Oh, good. This should be a doozy.

Kate Beckinsale is up for “Best T&A in a movie.” Sigh. Me likey.

The world’s greatest newspaper says we need to be on the lookout for land sharks.