The real problem in trying to come up with a good reason for Illinois men’s basketball coach Bill Self to turn down the Kansas job is that right after you say, “Who would want to live in Lawrence, Kansas?” you have to come up with one good reason to stay in lovely Champaign, Illinois. When the best you can do is Steak n’ Shake, you’re screwed.

And so, sometime in the next few days Bill Self will stand behind a podium and talk about how he’s always dreamed of coaching at a school like Kansas. Hell, they might have it right in the basketball arena so he can look up in the rafters and see Wilt Chamberlain’s number hanging from the rafters. At the same time, you could go to Assembly Hall and see some of the perpetually whacko Orange Crushers hanging from the rafters.

Sure, there’s a chance that Self could turn Kansas down. There’s also a chance that nobody would actually get married on the “Married by America” finale…oops!

I could sit here and give you a list of reasons why it would be foolish for Bill Self to take the Kansas job. But I’d be making most of them up. I didn’t attend either Kansas or Illinois, so I think, though I’m an Illini fan, that I can take an objective look at the situation.

It basically comes down to this. Does he want to stay at Illinois for a looooong time and try and build it into a perennial top ten team. It can be done. In fact, he’s pretty much there. But if he doesn’t see himself at Illinois for the next 10 or 15 years he might as well go to Lawrence. I’ve been to Nebraska football games and I know what it’s like when a state has pretty much nothing else in it but one major college program to follow. Illinois is tucked nicely between St. Louis and Chicago. Illini basketball is a big deal, but it will never be as big of a deal as Kansas basketball is. So if you’re Bill Self and you think you’ve still got a move or two left in you, career-wise, it’s time to figure out what the hell Rock, Chalk, Jayhawk means.

John Paxson was formally installed (love that word, makes it sound like he’s a garbage disposal) as the Bulls’ general manager yesterday. He said the first things he had to do were to evaluate the players, the coaches, the draft and to hire a company to get the Chee-tos stains out of the chair in his new office.

I have last night’s “Married By America” on tape and I can’t wait until later in the week when I’ll actually be home to watch it. But thanks to Jimmy Kimmel I do know that both Jill and Tony left their betrotheds (sp?) at the altar. That’s awesome. I especially like the reaction of Kevin when Jill said “I don’t”. He kind of gurgled. Muahahahahahaha!

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All I know about John Paxson is that he’s smart, level headed, tough and a take charge kind of guy. In other words, he’s perfect. Good luck, Pax. But he’s not going to need it.

The players “like” Paxson. Half of them won’t like him when he trades their asses.

Paxson is surrounded by ex-teammates. Can’t he find a job for Cliff Levingston? How about director of saying funny stuff?

Rick Morrissey gets a lot of mileage out of John Paxson’s middle name. Hint, it’s the name of a Shakespeare play. And no “Dumb and Dumber” was not a Shakespeare play.

The way the Cubs game went from 5-3 to 9-3 it’s almost like somebody got up for an ill-advised beer run and jinxed them. OK, mental note: that joke is too “inside” to be funny.

I think Dusty told Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson to go to hell. Actually, I have no idea what he’s talking about.

Paul Sullivan answers some truly horrid Cubs fan questions. Sigh.

Everything you ever wanted to know about Damian Miller but were afraid to ask.

As far as this Charles Rogers drug test thing goes, the Olympic governing body that runs the drug tests that I help administer changed the rule so that athletes who can’t “go” when you need them to can no longer chug water until they have to pee. Apparently excess water makes the test practically useless. So it could be that Charles is as innocent as he claims. Or maybe not. How’s that for analysis?

Kansas really wants Bill Self. And why not? He’s a great coach.

Groucho wonders just what the hell the Jordan comeback accomplished.

Paxson and Krause are going to meet today. Meet? Pax has been a Bull for 17 years, Jerry never met him?

Mariotti puts down the doughnut and uses the same word to describe Paxson that I did. I hate when that happens.

Dusty gives the Cubs the ultimate insult. He compares them to last year’s team.

Moron Kansas’ pursuit of Bill Self.

The Wizard of Roz is giddy about the Paxson promotion.

Roy is a Carolina kind of guy. Inbred?

Creepy little John Clayton says that one-legged Willis McGahee is still the best available running back. That’s so sad.

Peter Gammons says the end is near for Jeff Torborg. Just as long as he stays off my TV as a brodcaster, it’s fine with me.

Sometime very soon we need to do a whole column on how creepy Bobby Valentine is on TV. Other than the fact he mocks both Karl Ravech and Harold Reynolds (which is always entertaining) he’s just strange. Really. OK, back to the links.

Peter King warns the Bengals about taking a quarterback number one.

Blah, blah, blah, Sharon Osbourne, blah, blah, blah.

Monica Lewinsky-game show hostess? Ahh, the circle has finally closed. Which one is that, Dante?

Rodney King still can’t drive worth a damn.

Gee, you mean the Brit with the five bullet holes in his helmet was just kidding? Really?

The world’s greatest newspaper says that smoking will improve your memory. Oh, so that’s what those spots on your lungs are for.