Unlike some sites on the ‘net, we’re rational Cubs fans here. (If there is such a beast.) You and I both know that the odds of seeing October baseball with this current bunch are right up there with Lyle Lovett marrying Julia Roberts. OK, bad example.

It’s like Paulina Poritzkova marrying that creepy guy from the Cars.

Damn. This is not proving my point. Oh, the hell with it.

On Friday night, with the Cubs season hanging by a thread Carlos Zambrano not only pitched his ass off, he decided to do something about the lack of run support. It dawned on him that since he was holding a baseball bat, he might as well use it.

A 3-1 deficit turned into a 3-3 tie and the Cubs would go on to win 5-3.

It was just one night in a long season. But for a 22-year old starting pitcher, one who for all intents and purposes seems to be completely impervious to pressure, it was one really good night in a long season.

The next day, Carlos’ tag-team buddy Juan Cruz made his return from the corn fields to give the Cubs a great start. Juan gave up three runs in six innings, but more often than at any time this season since his incredible relief outing on opening day in New York, the little guy showed just how much talent he has. Whether he’s 24 or 34, Juan really ought to be in the rotation.

As well as he pitched, the Cubs offense consisted only of two E-ramis Ramirez hits (off the great Tim Redding-no less).

And so, it set up yesterday as another must-win for the Cubs. And on a day when they’d send out the perpetually confused Shawn Estes to start. Guh.

Shawn survived five innings, and four Cubs relievers combined for one run allowed on two hits and the Cubs had taken two of three in Houston.

Given the prospects going in of Carlos, Juan and Shawn carrying the flag…two out of three ain’t bad…in fact, it’s better than we could have expected.

And so, whether it’s real or imagined, the Cubs refuse to surrender and the NL Central remains winnable. Who knew?

—
Some random thoughts about the weekend in Houston.

On Friday night Steve Stone fell into that awful Chip Caray trap of bragging about how wonderful Craig Biggio is. Steve went on to glow about how no other player in big league history has excelled at catcher, second base and centerfield in his career. It’s been my position that not only is Biggio a lousy defensive center fielder, but that he really wasn’t a good catcher. He’s basically a second baseman who hacked his way through two other positions. Last year his range at second deteriorated dramatically. Given that Jeff Kent is an absolute butcher at second (and he is) the fact that Astros fans aren’t clamoring for Kent to move to third so Biggio can go back to second kind of points this out.

Jimy Williams remains the reason why the Astros are beatable in the Central. The man is an absolute moron. I’ve said it before and will say it again, that the best lineup the Astros could have put on the field to start the season had Jason Lane in centerfield, Kent at third and Biggio at second (or on the pine next to Jimy). Instead, he plays Biggio out of position in center and Geoff Blum at third. Brilliant.

How’d you like the tag-team of Jimy and Kent in Saturday’s game. Thanks to the good folks at Fox Sports we got to hear Jeff Kent berate the umpire as it happened. I’d have tossed his whiny ass, too.

In the span of maybe ten seconds Kent threw out six words you can’t say on TV. Plus, he does it in that whiny voice that makes you want to punch in in the head anyway.

But the best part was the tantrum Williams pretended to throw. I’ve seen scenes from Saved By the Bell that were less contrived than Jimy kicking dirt on the plate, then kicking it onto the grass from the warning track by the dugout. That act would have gotten him the hook on any vaudeville stage, anywhere.

Has any network ever had a worse roster of announcers than Fox has for baseball?

Let us count the ways:

Jeanne Zelasko — She’s the best they have to offer. This would be real praise until you see the rest of the morons.

Joe Buck — I like Joe, because he’s not a kiss-ass Cardinals apologist and he’s funny.

Tim McCarver — The spray painted orange hair, the strange fascination with pointless antecdotes, the remedial math…this act is tired and it’s been going on for at least 25 years now.

Josh Lewin — Can be funny at times, and he’s far superior to Chip, but I think he’s part Muppet.

Thom Brennaman — Cue Marv Levy–“You overofficious jerk!” He was tiresome to listen to when he did Cubs games and he’s gotten even more arrogant as the years have passed.

Steve Lyons — A complete moron.

Mark Langston? — Really? What, Mike Witt wasn’t available? Did he have a point…ever…on Saturday? Every time he spoke I had to fight the urge to beat myself to death with the TiVo remote. I actually hit the SAP button and listened to Fox’s Spanish broadcast team of Jose Feliciano and Julio Iglesias do the game, instead. I liked Jose, but his “Hey Julio, what happened, I didn’t see it!” joke got old after the fourth inning.

Kevin Kennedy — How many f’s in buffoon?

Here’s the thing that I always wonder about (yes, I have too much free time). Guys like Chip and Thom obviously broadcast with phony, affected DJ voices. But do they ever not use that voice? I mean if you’re behind them in a drive thru lane do you hear them say things like:

“Hello again, everybody! I’ll have the quaint Quarter Pound value meal, with Fuh-rench fuh-ries, and The Real Thing, an ice cold Coh-ka Coh-la! Supersize it for only thirty-nine cents? Absolutely! At the end of my order, it’s one quarter pounder, one fuh-french fuh-ry order, and one ice cold Coh-ka Coh-la—supersized for my pleasure! I’ll be back in a minute at window number one to pay my $3.49!”

I have a feeling they do.

—

If you’re not watching “The Wire” on HBO…you need to be. HBO has a new set of breathless promos touting all of their Emmy nominations.

Some are impressive. Like “Six Feet Under” getting 16 nominations, more than any other show. Or, the incredible fact that HBO has, for the third year in a row, recieved more nominations than all of the other networks COMBINED.

Some are depressing, like the fact that “Sex in the City” got 13 nominations. Including one for best comedy. How is this possible? The show’s not funny. Doesn’t that disqualify it from the comedy category?

But one, I completely agree with. It’s a promo for “The Wire” and it’s a quote from a San Francisco newspaper. It says, “The Wire is the best show on HBO…and that means it’s the best show on TV.”

It is.

—

Speaking of HBO, “Project Greenlight” continues it’s hilarious run on Sunday nights. How did we ever live without this show? Every week it proves that you and me and four of our friends could make a better movie than anybody who wins this contest. But last night’s show was incredible for two reasons.

1) The directors took an hour off during a very hectic day of shooting to whine that they were being embarassed in front of the actors by producers Chris Moore, Jeff Balis and the writer lady. Hilarious. It was like playing a board game with two eight year olds and having them stop the game to whine that you were beating them.

2) Amy Smart (the naked chick from “Road Trip”) is in the movie and under the loving movie lights and makeup she’s a babe. But, they showed her out of makeup…and yikes! Not only is she not superhot, I guarantee you, that you can go to the supermarket at lunch and at least two of the checkout girls will be prettier than Miss Movie Star. Not a good thing.

With:

Ahh.

Without:

Yikes!

—
I just wrote and then deleted a thing on the Kobe Bryant case. I’m having a hard time with this, because it’s just not that funny. But, I will at least pass along the rumor that Matt Drudge reported on his radio show last night. Drudge claims to have a source that the victim’s exam shows that Kobe…uh…um…how to put this delicately?

Let’s just say that whenever Kobe’s NBA career resumes, that we’ll all see the irony in it when an announcer says, “Kobe goes backdoor.”

Just like we all still snicker when Marv Albert uses his “facial” line to describe a blocked shot.
—

Dusty told Kenny Lofton to smile and Kenny went 3-5. What, Dusty didn’t think of this earlier?

I honestly think that Wendell Kim is insane. Why else would a guy continue to send players home to get nailed by 30 feet all the time?

Mark Prior is feeling no pain. Let the man pitch, then.

The sweet smell of Colon.

(That joke’s funnier when you pronounce his name like the intestine.)

David Huh updates us on Mark Columbo’s progress. Hey, whatever it takes to win six games.

Which Tillman is this again? Lewis? Spencer? Jim?

Dan McGrath thinks it might be hard for the Cubs to get to the playoffs. Really? You don’t say?

Bob Hope, one of the funniest guys ever, is dead. I’m not going to give him the Niedermeyer treatment today, but just like George Burns before him…do we really think he actually made it to his 100th birthday?

Nope.

Dusty’s blaming the schedule, the fans and El Nino for the Cubs home struggles.

The Wizard of Roz fears the rise of Mike McCaskey once the stadium is done. I’m afraid. I’m very afraid.

Wait, you’re telling me that 6’11 corpse they found in Waco turned out to be Patrick Dennehy? What were the odds?

Hee hee.

Bob Uecker’s Hall of Fame induction speech was maybe the best ever.

Some guy in Tacoma wants the Mariners to trade Freddy Garcia for Nancy Drew.

The Sporting News (yeah, it’s still around) is reporting that Bob Boone and Jim Bowden are both getting the can in Cincinnati. The Reds are expected to name Ray Knight and Nancy Lopez to replace them. or something.

Two Nancy jokes in a row? Even for me that’s bad.

Kris Benson has an owie.

Ken Rosenthal’s latest. Check out this quote. I loved this.

before the Cubs acquired Kenny Lofton, the Cardinals worried that if they traded J.D. Drew for the Blue Jays’ Kelvim Escobar, Ricciardi would send Drew to the A’s, who in turn might flip him to the Cubs.

Are you kidding me? Is Walt Jocketty that paranoid? He thinks that he can’t trade Nancy Drew because she might get traded twice more and end up with the Cubs? Muahahahahahahahaha!

I’m telling you, the rest of the NL Central is incredibly paranoid about the Cubs. They see Dusty and all of that young pitching and the Cubs are the only team in the division with an actual checkbook and they just soil themselves.

Who saw this coming? Anybody?

Another good reason to stay out of Australia.

An Alabama man is accused of marrying his daughter. Yikes. Check out this quote from the mother.

“I told her she was stupid for marrying her own daddy,” Shirley Crayne told the Register for a story Friday. “I told him he was crazy and stupid. I told her I didn’t ever want to hear from her again.”

If you’ve heard that once, you’ve heard it a thousand times…

A girl has been attacked by a rabid beaver. No, seriously.

America’s finest news source says that a Bowling Green, Ohio man is going to Taco Bell, “With or without you.”