You know what the St. Louis Cardinals look like? They look like what the Cubs used to. They’ve got a couple of very good hitters, surrounded by schlock and with an absolute crap pitching staff.
So far in two games they’ve scored 11 runs in two games and lost of both of them by two. They might want to get used to it.
How’d you like to be The Genius and have to write Tony Womack, Marlon Anderson, Roger Cedeno, Ray Lankford and So Taguchi on the lineup card? Sure, you’ve got Cody McKay and Hector Luna, but…
…what the? What the hell is a Hector Luna?
Whatever he is, The Genius has yet to unleash him on the National League. So maybe that’s why the Satanic Red Fowl are 0-2. But then, how are you supposed to shut down the vaunted Brew Crew?
Last night’s Cardinals-Brewers game was great for three reasons.
1) Al Hrabosky nearly swallowed his mustache when Chad Moeller hit a two run bomb to give Milwaukee the lead.
2) Albert Pujols and Edgar Renteria both batted with the tying runs on base (winning run in Edgar’s case) and both hit weak grounders as the mouthbreathing crowd shrieked in horor.
3) Joe Buck has a commercial on Fox Sports Midwest for a St. Louis area car dealer that is hysterical. In fact, if your speakers are on and you click here, you can hear Joe. You can just hear the “this check better not bounce” in his voice. Inspirational.
In Houston, Lefty Clettitte was getting shelled by a Giants lineup that included Neifi Perez going 4-for-4 with four RBI. I’m not making this up. How does that happen? Perez hits like he’s using a rolled up newspaper.
A few observations about the Astros last night:
1) Brandon Duckworth=bad
2) Craig Biggio looks ooooooold.
3) Jeff Kent is still a butcher at second. Michael Tucker…Michael Tucker!…doubled off Kent’s glove. He hit a grounder that Jeff booted into center field and because Biggio has to play back on that weird hill to have any chance at cutting anything off, he couldn’t run in to field the ball, so Tucker just kept on running. It’s a double you see every day…in little league.
4) Jeff Bagwell is tiny.
5) Lance Berkman played a line drive to left into a double, and the ball nearly hit him. How does that happen? It’s like having Candy Maldonado out there.
I watched most of Shawn Estes’ start in Arizona last night and it tells you all you need to know…about the Diamondbacks. Just awful. That is a bad team. If Luis Gonzalez doesn’t duck hook one into the right field stands, not only do they get shutout by Estes, but they might have gotten no-hit by them. When you go back to his last start from last year, he’s allowed one run and five hits in his last 16 innings. But yes, he still sucks. It just goes to show you that even a blind pig can find an acorn in the mud once in a while.
I know Milton Bradley’s a jerkoff and I know that he’s likely to do something stupid this year (like re-enact the OJ freeway chase—in the bullpen car) but that dude can play.
I was watching some of the Yankees-Devil Rays last night and it was 4-1 New York, so I gave up on it, but how handy would it be if somebody would invent a device that would alert you to things like “Felix Heredia warming up in bullpen!” so you’d know to go back because the game was about to get closer?
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Bruce Weber says that both Dee Brown and Deron Williams will submit their names to be reviewed by the NBA Draft advisory committee. But when asked if he was going into the draft, Williams said, “No!” So what’s with the name submission thing, Deron? Hmm?
Chris Thomas did that last year and apparently the news he got was so bad that not only did he return to Notre Dame for his junior year, he’s already said he’s staying for his senior one, too. Yikes.
The Bulls are a prime contender for the number one pick in the draft (well, of course, we only get it in years there isn’t anybody to take), and I could live with a front line of Curry, Chandler and Okafor. Then again, people live productive lives with herpes. I’m not saying those three guys are the first choice…but still.
Paul Sullivan says the Cubs won’t win 100 games. Gee, that’s a mighty long limb you’re on there, little fella.
Rick Morrissey reminds us that he’s completely talentless.
Phil Rogers thinks Jimy’s on thin ice. Phil’s also feeling pretty smug about the Rockies after one game. Relax, Phil. It’s been two days.
Stevie Loiaza tries to prove 2003 wasn’t a fluke. Good luck.
John Paxson says it’s time to try some new crap.
Rosey on the Sox collapse.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to rip DePaul for not tearing up Dave Leitao’s contract and giving him a bigger one. Hey, he got a good deal when he signed it. It’s not like anybody knew who he was. And, I’ve got news for you Jay, outside of Cook County, nobody still knows who he is.
Greggie’s so calm, he’s nearly comatose.
Lacy J. wants the Bulls to keep Antonio Davis because he’s a “good guy.” Yeah, but Lacy, he can’t play.
Sammy says the Cubs can win “99 percent” of their games. Take that, Paul Sullivan.
The Wizard of Roz on the Cubs wild landing in Cincinnati. And no, it didn’t involve The Farns and the stewardesses.
The Tigers are 2-0, but Dmitri Young broke his leg…and gravy came out of it.
Today’s Doonesbury isn’t funny (surprise!), but it does have Gee Dub calling Condi Rice “brown sugar.”
Sounds like the Titans had open tryouts for kickers yesterday.
A Mexican woman performed her own cesarean section. Yikes.
This would explain why I don’t have cancer.
America’s finest news source with another topical editorial.
Theoretically speaking Sam, you can win 100% of your games. You won’t, but that still doesn’t change the fact that the chance to win every game is there. Theoretically, of course.
Unless he’s talking about Meat Tray’s 2 starts.
"Gizmo went flying into the air in a high arc." This is the kind of detail oriented journalism I expect from my newspaper. The only thing missing was one of those photos with the arcing dashes that actually traces the flight, ala Bobby Thomsons homer.
I model my game after Heity Cruz.
I also model my carpets after him. Andy, give me a call at the showroom 773 202 Lunaaaaaa.
I woke up clean shaven this morning, so I must have actually swallowed my mustache.
Not to worry, we’ve still got the best defense in the league, as long as no one hits the ball to Roger Cedeno, Reggie Sanders, or Tony Womack.
Or me.
Didn’t Womack’s deal with the Devil end right after he got the hit that beat the Cardinals in the playoffs a couple years ago???
Vuckovich and Sutton looked pretty good the last two nights and good to see that Fingers has shaken off his bad spring…Caldwell going today so they have a good chance at 3-0…Man, Ted Simmons and Cecil Cooper haven’t aged a bit…You add them, Molitor and Yount together and there’s no reason this team can’t be a wild-card contender…
Oh wait, you mean to tell me that this 2-0 effort is the work of immortals like Craig Counsell and Doug Davis?
Awesome!
We’ve found at least one 100% truthful statement from Richard Clarke:
"The fact is, President Clinton approved every snatch that he was ever asked to review."
–Against All Enemies: Inside America’s War on Terror by Richard A. Clarke (Page 145)
Morpheus,
Your unquestioning homoerotic loyalty to the GOP makes you a great candidate to lead up our plans for a fourth reich. What say you, mein Herr!
Gracias to that Sox fan yesterday who said I’m better than Sammy — I just heet mi segundo grande….
Ah, the ‘Reductio ad Hitlerum’ argument. The preferred argument of morans.
![]("https://www.desipio.com/images/smartest-cardinalsfan.jpg"/)
Morpheus,
I know you’re dreaming about me, you big hunk.
Too bad the thermostat kicks on whenever I spread my legs. I’m not saying I’m frigid, but one night with me, and your 2" wanker would freeze off.
Watched the Braves lose to the Mutts last night. Alfonstinka pitched one inning. Threw about 27 pitches, loaded the bases, but got out of it without a run so Skip announced that El Pulpo got into a little trouble but pitched well to get out of it. Skip announced that Alfonstinka was 6’5" and 250 pounds. More like 450 pounds. That man is fat. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
There are days when I’m so down I feel like a pork chop hanging perilously between Antonio Alfonseca and Ray King.
(In Cliff Claven voice) It’s a little known fact that octopi are known to reach an average weight of ~600 lbs, so I guess El Pulpo is still just a baby octopus…
That’s OK Ann, if 2" of my wanker freezes off I’ll still have 10 left.
I sure hope you can come up with something better than that. Who’s Ann Coulter?
Ah, I see all 2 of my listeners are checking in on here too!
Morpheus, if you are going to be an outspoken Clinton hater, you ought to at least know who your role models are
Actually, I don’t think Al Franken has ANY listeners whatsoever…Neither do any of the other clowns on the Hate Bush Radio Network, or whatever the hell it is…
You would be wrong.
http://www.airamericaradio.com
Check out Randi Rhodes in the afternoons. She’s the best of the bunch, although the New York accent is grating at first.
Morpheus,
Check out my link. ALL the twelve year olds read it.
You are twelve, right? I mean, who else would boast about a 12" wanker? Besides a repressed Republican, that is.
Would you political extremists please go somewhere else? All you do is cancel each other out with your misguided loyalties. Follow the example of silence, set by the moderate pragmatics who actually decide the voting. Thank you. Go Cubs!
Do I have to remind you folks again that it’s more important to impeach a president about LYING for the reason to go to war than LYING about getting a blowjob?
Here’s a little hint. More than six hundred Americans didn’t die because of the blowjob.
Fair enough. Something we can all agree on. Go Cubs!
Is it honest for me to go and sit there on communion day and drink the wine and eat the bread while feeling it all to be mummery? by free online poker