It was kind of sad really that the Mets had to leave town yesterday after a series in which their supercharged offense scored twice in three games. Even on a day when Mother Nature declared “let there be offense” and gave them a 25 mile per hour tailwind, New York managed two hits. It’s just a shame the fun had to end.
Ever.
On Friday they helped put confidence back in Greg Maddux. On Saturday they played polite guest as Kerry Wood added to his Cy Young Award Nomination portfolio and yesterday, well, yesterday they made Matt Clement look like the second coming.
Really, who knew that a lineup with studs in it like Jeff Duncan (who?), Jason Phillips and the rotting corpse of Todd Zeile would have such trouble scoring runs?
The Cubs have now won six in a row and start a three game series in Arizona against the pitching challenged Diamondbacks. Oh, it’ll be an emotional time as Mark Grace can sit in the comfy Fox Sports Arizona TV booth and take cheap shots at his old team as tHom Brennaman chuckles mindlessly in the background.
Thing is, Grace might not recognize these Cubs. After all, when was the last time he saw a Cubs team that could hit, pitch and field? Well, probably never. The current Cubs have not only won six straight but haven’t made an error in eight games. That streak would be longer if E-ramis Ramirez hadn’t made his dubious, lone error of the season in a game against Cincinnati when he fielded a two out grounder and threw to second where he really didn’t have a play instead of throwing to first where Sean Casey was busy plowing up the dirt in the baseline between home and first.
Regardless, the Cubs face Randy Johnson tonight and according to my figures Randy is 114-0 against the Cubs in his career with an ERA of 0.00. Or something like that. But he’s been bad recently and the mighty Brewers offense (snicker, snicker) got him for six runs in six innings. (Of course, he shut out the Padres the game before that, but let’s pretend that didn’t happen.)
Carlos Zambrano faces Randy in tonight’s game and the last time Carlos pitched at the BOB he came one lousy call at first base away from a no hitter.
The Meat Tray gets game two, and Greg Maddux (effectively sitting in the fifth starter position now) gets game three. That sets up Kerry Wood to open the four game series in St. Louis on Friday.
It’ll be a fine hoedown under the arch this weekend. After dropping two of three in Milwaukee this weekend, the Cardinals have assumed full Red Assed status. They’re already hunkering down for the Cubs visit. Even though the series takes place in the first week of May, it’s already taking on apocalyptic proportions in St. Louis and Director of Homeland Security has put all of eastern Missouri on high alert. He has requested that the following precautions be taken by anyone in or around that area.
– Families should not (as is custom) share their toothbrush with the neighbors or their pets.
– Extra hay bales should be tucked under the house.
– Please move all refrigerators and washing machines inside the home if possible.
– Al Hrabosky will be sedated and forced to wear pants to all four games.
– This guy will be under heavy FBI surveillance:
– In the unlikely event of a Jim Edmonds homer, Mr. Edmonds will be asked to keep his hands to himself.
Also, all area pet shelters are asked to raise their security level to TANGO and Mr. Edmonds is not to be allowed on the premises at any time.
See, I told you it was big.
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The NFL Draft is over, we think, and really, the highlight had to be the chance to spend six hours on Saturday with Michael Irvin babbling incoherently and declaring that just about every player, “is my boy!” There was a moment, somewhere around the mid-point of round two when it looked very much like Mel Kiper’s hair was going to attack Michael.
The draft had it all.
Among my favorite moments:
– Eli Manning’s expression when he was forced to hold up the Chargers jersey with the 1 on it. He looked either like he was trying not to cry or like he was trying very hard not to soil his pants. I’m not sure he succeeded on either count.
– Suzy Kolber getting Eli to admit that he was hoping the Chargers would trade him. You could almost hear Giants’ GM Ernie Accorsi have a simultaneous orgasm.
– Irvin, coming as close to saying something insightful when he pointed out that while Bo Jackson and John Elway had baseball careers to use as threats that Eli had “a brother with $35 million”. Irvin immediately backed off it, but he shouldn’t have. You don’t think that was leverage for the Mannings? “Hey, we’re rich and if I have to sit out a year to get on a real NFL team, I’ll do it.”
– Kolber telling Bears’ number one pick Tommie Harris that they had footage of him dancing for joy after he was picked and then ESPN showing Tommie Harris, Sr. dancing instead. Actually, for an old guy he’s still got better lateral movement than Phil Daniels ever had.
– On the Score, Fred Huebner was goined by Doug Buffone and the WBBM Bears’ broadcast team for one of the most painful shifts in sports radio history. Buffone was funny and non-insightful, Tom Thayer sounded like he was either not in the room, or constantly calling United to see when his flight back to Hawai’i was boarding. Hub Arkush was decked out in his full regalia of pomposity, but Jeff Joniak stole the show.
Joniak managed to say approximately 19 dumb things in the first 20 minutes. It had to be some kind of record. Even Huebner was laughing at him. When that happens, you know it’s a bad day.
– Stephen Jackson, the running back from Oregon State, got to play the role of the “highly touted draft pick who is sliding down the board.” It was fun to watch. Every time a team would come on the clock that needed a running back, they’d trade down and away from him. The ultimate was when the ESPN nitwits spent four picks, or roughly an hour talking about how lucky the Cowboys were to have Jackson, a guy they all agreed would fill their biggest need, fall right into their laps. Then, about two minutes after the Cowboys’ went on the clock, they traded the pick. Hee hee.
– On the wretched Cold Pizza set, Andrea Kramer hosted a number of current players to get their take on the draft. For the third year in a row Corey Chavous showed up and tried to sound smarter than he is. It was like seeing a blacker, more athletic version of Chip Caray.
– The highlight of those tortured segments was yesterday when Jesse Palmer stopped by and Redskins’ tackle John Jansen said, “You went to Florida, you play quarterback in New York and you have to do this to get a girl? Don’t you have any game?”
– Actually the real highlight came this morning when Kit Hoover and Chris Hovan traded make-up tips.
– Basically, wasn’t the whole Eli Manning-Phillip Rivers trade just the Giants’ admission that Kerry Collins is a pansy and Jesse Palmer completely sucks? Yes, yes it was.
The Bears drafted Craig Krenzel yesterday meaning that their quarterback corps heading into Bourbonnais will be Rex Grossman, Jonathan Quinn, Zak Kustok and Krenzel. Looks like the Bears should call Atlanta and see if there is any extra bubble wrap left over when they’re done wrapping Michael Vick in it, for Rex.
By the way, if you didn’t notice the Rams signed Chris Chandler. Muahahahahahahahahaha!
Hey, maybe every Bears fan’s best buddy Jim Miller is available. Somebody call the hospitals, and see where he’s staying these days.
What can we make of the Bears draft picks? Well, if you write all of their names down on a piece of paper, I can make a pretty mean paper airplane out of it. Otherwise, I have no idea. I couldn’t pick Tommie Harris out of a police lineup, though it’d be easier if the’ll wear the pink shirt and tie again, I never heard of Tank Williams or Bernard Berrian. The only things I know about Nathan Vasher are the things Brent Musberger used to yell about him on Saturdays (so apparently, he’s the greatest player ever…he’s in a 1,001,007 way tie with every other player Brent’s ever seen). Krenzel’s Kirk Herbstreit without the $500 haircut, and I can’t remember the other guys.
Berrian’s already being compared to Dez White. Let’s hope the comparison is actually, “well, he’s no Dez White.”
The Lions’ drafted a tremendous receiver in the first round in Roy Williams and then they took the myth that is Kevin Jones. Then they drafted Teddy Lehman in round two. They are all expected to start for them this year. That’s great. But it’s also true that you and I could start for the Lions this year.
The Vikings drafted guys named Kenechi, Dontarrious, Darrion, Mewelde and Derandre, so there’s no way meathead Mike Tice will have any idea who anybody is this year.
The Packers? Oh, their draft was beautifully lousy. Just like last year’s was. Whoever decided it was OK to let Mark Hatley and Mike Sherman “brainstorm” on drafts is a genius! Muahahahahahahaha!
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Matt Clement flirted with a no hitter, but she must have been scared off by that stupid chinbeard.
The only people who think Gruddy could play short are too dumb to count.
Kenny Williams showed up at Wrigley Field. What, nobody had a taser handy? They couldn’t put him down before he got through the door?
Michael Barrett said that Clement had good stuff. Really? You don’t say?
Mark Grace, pontificating to Rosey.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say that Ozzie Guillen should stop whining about the Cubs. Wait, there are TWO teams in Chicago? Really?
Dusty thinks E-ramis could win a Gold Glove. Woah, Dusty, what have you been soaking those toothpicks in?
Mike Remlinger is on the mend. Isn’t it interesting that Dusty knows that some righties can get lefties out, but doesn’t realize that the lefty Remlinger can get righties out but not lefties?
The Wizard of Roz on Pat Tillman.
Uh-oh, sounds like Operation Shutdown, Part II.
The Knicks are not good.
Underwear supermodel Len Pasquarelli says the Lions did OK.
You want proof that steroids do not necessarily mean an advantage. Check out the list of guys BALCO gave steroids to. It includes Barry Bonds (OK), Jason Giambi (sure), Jeremy Giambi (oops) and Armando Rios! Hee hee.
Peter King with inside stuff on the Manning trade.
NASA is practicing in Utah for a manned Mars mission. Does this mean you can have more than one wife on Mars?
Michael Jackson is getting some new lawyers. The old ones just weren’t creepy enough.
Edmonds wanna be?
The world’s greatest newspaper says that the Pope wants Mel Gibson to replace him. But only if Mel will let the Pontiff co-star with him in Lethal Weapon Five.
Newsflash: Chris Berman is an idiot
Now, I know that’s not news to most, but I can’t get over how he constantly said Eli Manning did the classy thing by holding up the Chargers jersey after he got drafted number one. Many questions must be answered:
How is holding up a jersey classy? Why wasn’t he chided by Berman for refusing to wear the Chargers hat? What was up with Archie’s eyes when the family was posing for pictures?
If you’ll excuse me, I need to go show my class by going out to the Finish Line at the mall and holding up all the jerseys and posing for pictures.
Actually, all you need to know about Tank Williams is that as a teenager, he was doused with gasoline and set on fire. Welcome to Chicago, Tank.
A couple things: Did anyone catch Andrea Kraemer call Eli, "Peyton" at least twice while she was relegated to the set of Cold Pizza? He’s only the biggest story of the draft, you think you could maybe keep them straight for 2 minutes hun?
And what’s classy about Manning (Eli, see I know the difference) holding up the Charger jersey? EVERYONE does it! You don’t get credit for doing something that A) everyone does b) doing what’s expected of you. Evey first rd draft pick is expected to hold up the jersey.
So Craig, you are saying his true nickname is "Gas Tank Williams…"
jmariotti@suntimes.com
Suggested letter:
Dear Jay,
I see where 61 Chicagoans voted on "Which Is The Best Current CHICAGO Radio Sports Talk Show(full time)" on a local website.
61. And out of 61 votes cast, your hyperventilating, hype-machine ass didn’t get a single vote.
NOW do you get it?!?!? Your attempts at using a Chicago paper as your platform to get yourself national exposure only brings ridicule and derision from the locals for whom you supposedly write. Wait until the ESPN crew finally figures out that YOU DON’T SPEAK FOR CHICAGO and will cease giving you plugs when they come to town.
Now leave town. For the love of God, please leave town.
Regards,
A. Fan
BTW, from the AAA Pacific Coast League yesterday:
CHC G.Rusch AB-3 H-2 R-2 RBI-6 – 2 HR (2); Glendon Rusch got the win too. The question is…..can he play short stop???
No.
I was at the Brewers home opener a couple of years ago and Glendon Rusch went yard. Impressive power display. Paul Bako had two hits in that game.
What were the odds?
http://www.retrosheet.org/boxesetc/B04050MIL2002.htm
A pitcher in AAA is a better hitter than Paul Bako then?
Good God, I knew Bako sucked bigtime but this is ridiculous.
Glendon Rusch – converted outfielder, I thought? Always could whale away on AAA pitching. Of course, so did Mark Prior. And Brooks Kieschnick. And Downtown Rosie Brown.
Shhh,
Shhhh. There are quite a few people out there who will INSIST–STILL–that Rosey Brown wasn’t given a big enough chance, in spite of the fact that
a) he was, and…
b) he sucked
I know, I know it sounds crazy, but where you or I looked at this AAAA bum and saw Kieschnick, or Ozzie Timmons or Kevin Roberson or any number of failed Cub outfield prospects, these people saw Andrew Dawson.
D’OH! Last post was addressed to Sloth, not Shhh.
Why am I not on Grobber’s new poll?
No compilation of failed Cubs outfield prospects is complete without a shout-out from me.
Vee, don’t be so hard on yourself. You were never labelled "can’t miss", unlike Roberson, Brown, Kieschnick, etc.
We love you, Vegrin, for your fine work as a Rockford Cubbie. Don’t ever forget that.
Sorry–again…I know Dawson’s first name is "Andre" and NOT "Andrew"
I picked a bad day to stop sniffing glue…
It says here Vee Hightower never played in the majors, in spite of the boast on his website that he made it in ’95.
I was placed on the 40 man roster at the end of the 1995 season.
And I hit a walk-off HR against SD in a spring training game in 1996.
Let’s see Marty Gazarek do that.
Hey, don’t forget me!!!!
Don’t forget us, either!
Remember me?
![]("http://207.21.243.204/images/14802.jpg"/)
For those of you old enough to remember us.
The best pure hitter of all Cubs prospects in the mid-90’s.
No wonder the Cubs system blew.
Scott Bullett, Ozzie Timmons, Tuffy Rhodes, Ced Landrum, Miguel Dilone, Mike Vail, …
Dave Kelton
Let’s not get started about third base either folks. That was a black hole for a LONG time.
My bat wasn’t hot, but my ass sure was, with my fu manchu & receding hairline.
I can make both the 3B & OF lists. Plus I played Lenny Randle’s stunt double.
Just thought I’d check in.
And Sixto would like to wish all Brewers fans the best.
I would have filled that third base hole, if given a proper chance, and you’d get my trumpet playing for free!
Since you good people of Chicago don’t want Mark Grace in their broadcast booth either, I got a new idea for where he should go watching him "announcing" the Diamondbacks-Padres game on Saturday. He was saying he was going to bring all his Hollywood friends into the booth for guest appearances later in the season. Well, then Mark Grace should be sent to Hollywood, to get his own sitcom. I’m sure it would be every bit as funny as anything that’s ever been on UPN or Jessica Simpson’s proposed sitcom-and we here in Arizona wouldn’t have to listen to his dreadful "broadcasting" any more!
Sorry, should be "your" broadcast booth, not "their"…
I guess Gracie’s "announcing" really has turned me into a moran…
Will someone show me some frickin love??
It can’t remember all the crappy people in the past ten years or so of Cubs’ baseball. I can’t imagine people that have had to live through 40 or 50 years of it.
Thank God I’m fairly young.
I’m looking forward to visiting Mark in the booth. I hope his new wife is there too.
Man, last night’s game was brutal…bring back the Pirates.
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