This weekend should have been a big deal. The hated Cardinals are in town for a four game series, and those are always fun. Well, almost always. As the Cubs proved yesterday, just when you think they are at rock bottom, they get out a pick axe and start hunting for lower ground. They found it in the fourth inning when they walked six Reds, including three of them with the bases loaded. Their manager called for an intentional walk to load the bases in a 7-1 game, only to see it followed with an unintentional walk. If it wasn’t the Cubs, it would be the most embarrassing moment of the year. But these are the Cubs, and they are sure to top it.
It’s going to be tough. They have set the humiliation bar to an Olympic record type height. How can they continue to jump over it?
One of the players could forget to wear pants during a game.
Self-immolation is always awkward and painful.
They could take a lead in the bottom of the eighth inning in a game, swarm the field and head for the clubhouse, thinking it was the ninth and they had won. Then they give up 11 runs in the top of the ninth and lose 14-4. (This isn’t plausible becasue it would require an eighth inning lead.)
Derrek Lee could retire during an at bat.
Michael Barrett could make a throwing error trying to throw out a runner who is already out. (Oh, wait, they already did that.)
Nomar Garciaparra could rip his groin off the bone and a photo of him grabbing his crotch in agony could be run in every newspaper in the Western Hemisphere. (Damnit! Already did that one, too.)
Pat Hughes and Ron Santo could start pretending that all of the faxes they get in the booth are promos for “This Old Cub” instead of hand written bleatings about how awful the Cubs are. (No, I think they already do this.)
Someone could give Will Ohman and Ryan Dempster puppets to use to put on little shows for the fans sitting behind the Cubs’ bullpen. (The saddest thing about this idea–Will and Ryan wouldn’t just do it, they’d love it.)
Why not perform Kerry Wood’s shoulder surgery during the seventh inning stretch from the Cubs’ TV booth? Oh, the ratings!
Here’s one that would be embarrassing. After the Cubs post the final series win of the season, two players and the manager could complain about how a former Cubs player was treated by the fans, and then in protest, the Cubs could lose 12 of their next 14 games. No, that’s too ridiculous to actually happen. Right? Hey, what is the record since the Giants left town?
How about in back-to-back games the Cubs could get dramatic homers in the ninth inning only to lose when a flyball drops about nine feet behind second base, and then the next day when the reliever from the paragraph above allows the tying and winning runs to score when he throws a ball off the batting helmet of a baserunner all the way into the stands?
Here’s something that will never happen. How about losing a game on a strikeout when the catcher gets a runner caught between home and third and throws the ball into left field? Never happen. Too ridiculous.
Maybe the manager could make an excuse for the chronic lack of hustle displayed by his third baseman by saying that he’s told E-ramis to “take it easy” because of a leg injury. This might be an excuse, provided E-ramis can produce a doctor’s note that requests that he carry the bat with him as he jogs to first base, or a diagnosis that his quad will feel better if he hits balls to the outfield and stands in the batter’s box to watch where they land.
Here’s the sad part. Most of that has already happened.
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Mark Grace is in hot water for swearing during the broadcast Tuesday. Most TV mics have a switch on them so you can talk to the “truck” and not have your comments go out over the air, and from time to time, redass (or in this case dumbass) announcers will either forget to hit the switch or find out the hard way that the switch isn’t working. It’s one of the reasons announcers like big booths, so they don’t have to worry about their comments going out over their partner’s microphone. At the local ABC affiliate a reporter served a one-month suspension last winter because he was doing one of those cheesy things during the 10 p.m. newscast where they go live “to the newsroom” which is actually like 12 feet away from the set. Anyway, this guy bungled his way through his report, waited a couple seconds after sending it back to the newscasters and…thinking his microphone was off…said, “Wow, I really fucked that up.” It was pretty entertaining, actually.
I love the now famous story about Will McDonough thinking the NFL Live pregame on NBC had gone to commercial and calling OJ Simpson a “fucking asshole” while my dad and I watched happily from our living room. OJ didn’t even react. You could tell he knew everybody on that set loathed him. McDonough never got in trouble and it’s likely that the mistake was actually by our local affiliate not having their commercial ready to run, so most, if not the rest, of the country never knew Will said it.
Back when we first got our big satellite dish when I was a kid, you could watch the news and sports broadcasts without commercials if you found the right “live feed.” We saw Peter Jennings pick his nose and heard Dan Rather cuss out somebody on the set, it was great. But the thing I wished I’d recorded was a Cubs’ spring training game when Harry and Steve spent every commercial break trying to help the director find hot chicks to show during the game. Every half inning you’d hear one or both of them saying stuff like, “There’s a blonde with some major cans about six rows back of the Cubs dugout.” It never got old.
Anyway, the best part of this Mark Grace thing is that tHom Brennaman actually apologized for him. How perfectly typical of that egotistical jackass that he felt the need to do the apology for Mark.
“I’ll handle this, Gracie. You are obviously incapable of conveying just how apologetic you are this moment!”
Whatever.
By now, you know that among the former Cubs’ employees who chap my ass, Oscar Acosta is near the top of the list. This is the guy who had no qualifications to be the Cubs’ pitching coach, but did it anyway and who nearly singlehandedly led to the Cubs’ trading away Carlos Zambrano. The man’s a genius! Today, Barry Rozner quotes Oscar as saying that the Corey Patterson he knew was a hard worker who didn’t want to hit homers and loved to take pitches. That Corey used to drive a group of old ladies to Bingo night in Lansing, used to volunteer with the Boy Scouts, built homes for poor families in his spare time and learned how to crap tulips. Then he got to Chicago and some bad influences got a hold of him.
Look, if you’re going to take a shot at Sammy, just do it. If you want to blame Sammy Sosa’s world famous selfishness and swing-from-your-ass-at-all-costs brand of hitting as rubbing off on Corey and ruining him, just say it. Just don’t paint Corey as an innocent victim.
Greg Couch, the man who wrote a surprisingly coherent column last month that explained why a team with the resources of the Cubs should never “rebuild” says if the Cubs are going to use their big pile of available money in the offseason to get proven players they ought to keep Dusty, and if they’re going to go young they should fire him. I agree, except I think they should fire Dusty either way. Oh, that’s not really agreeing then, is it?
Here’s the dumbest thing that Phil Rogers has ever written. I know, that’s saying a lot. He wants the White Sox to trade for Rafael Palmeiro. Yes, the same Rafael Palmeiro who needed to start ‘roiding to get his offense back together. That seems like a grand idea.
The Cardinals have been looking forward to this weekend for weeks. Guess what? They’re really going to enjoy it. But I’ll tell you what. There is no reason not to have at least one bench clearing brawl this weekend. None. If you can’t win the game, win the fight.
Seabiscuit’s Jockey compares the Cubs to little leaguers. That’s an insult. Paul should apologize to little leaguers everywhere.
I’ll be glad to get Cedric Benson signed so I can stop reading stories about he’s not signed. By the way, in Madden 06 he’s rated lower than Thomas Jones, but he’s the starter and he’s better when you actually use him. How does that work? By the way, my favorite Madden moment so far was in a preseason game when the Todd Johnson Experience knocked Marvin Harrison’s helmet off and put him out of the game. In real life, Marvin just catches the passes (like 15 of them a game) and hits the turf. I guess this is why.
If Mark Bradley ever learns to consistently catch the football…look out.
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, he’s a great player, but nobody luxuriates in his injuries quite like E-ramis.
TO might be the biggest asshole in NFL history. Really.
How has Dustin Lyman spent this much time in the NFL? Seriously. He’s never been good. He’s never even been adequate. I was going to compare him to Jim Morrissey or Glen Kozlowski, but at least those guys made tackles on special teams.
America’s finest news source says another “anti-cell phone guy” has caved.
Shut your fucking face you pig fucker!
Where the hell is everyone!
From the Sun-Times article on E-Ramis:
GETTING PHYSICAL: Baker said when he played, players sometimes had to have physical confrontations with teammates not playing the game the right way to get their attention. He said the modern players don’t “jack guys up” the way the players of his era did.
“They police themselves, but they don’t police themselves the way we used to,” he said. “Policing has a different meaning now. It just depends to what degree.
“We used to jack guys up. If he didn’t like it, there’d be four or five other guys ready to jack him up after that. It’s just different. You can’t even jack a kid up now without it being some kind of abuse, so it’s got to be different. My dad used to pull off his belt with me. No problem. Back in our days, there was no such thing as ‘timeout.”’
There’s my proof, Dad. I’m taking you to court for jacking me up!
What a great idea for Dusty, a Timeout. No dinner, no paycheck, and he has to stay in the laundry room till the next millenium or so.
“If Mark Bradley ever learns to consistently catch the football…look out.”
That sounds familier…(Dez White)
mlb.com frontpage:
“Bucs battle Rockies in MLB.TV exclusive”
oh, it’s EXCLUSIVE, is it?
Is there a picture of John Koronka’s hot girlfriend anywhere?
Is it true that the Cubs have recalled John Koronka? Says so on the Iowa Cubs website. I assume they’re sending Hill down then?
Go Rockies!
We have a story today about Dusty wanting Kerry Wood to start on Monday, until Jim Hendry stepped in and said, “no, I don’t think so.”
Hey did you hear, I heard Ozzie Guillen say the word “poop”, and I wrote about it. I will catch all of you, since I don’t have any talent .
Mouthbreathin’ Matty Mo’s snide comment of “actually, the Brewers are ahead, aren’t they?” deserves to start a beanball war. Of course, that sweet beard he’s got would probably deflect some of the pain.
Wouldn’t it be so Cubs to sweep or win this series 3-1, and then drop the next 8 after that.
if we can’t play, let’s at least show a backbone and start a major fight this weekend.
Everybody in the ballclub, including coaches wacking the cards left and right. Then
there’s a clearing near the pitcher’s mound, in the middle of the brawl, and Dusty and the Genius start trading punches….toothpicks flying….a mullet destroyed.
That would save the season.
The Cubs look good from way up here…for me to poop on!
You wanna go to war? Ok! I’ll take ya to fuckin’ war!
…dictates, that today and at this very moment, the Cubs are done in the Wild Card race. Any numbnut can see the Astros taking that jewel. What the Cubs need to do is fire Dusty Baker as soon as possible and hire anything that breathes…maybe Ronnie “Woo-Woo.” Who cares at this point.
Ridding themselves of some useless veterans like Macias, Rusch (wake up everybody, he’s pretty useless now–but thanks for the good times, ole buddy), Walker, Burnitz, and Hollandsworth. I would keep Dempster and Williamson because they still have some value. The others are pointless for us now.
Play the youngen’s. So what if Corey K’s his way into oblivion, at least we’ll know for sure that he’s as good as gone next year if he doesn’t turn this bad boy around. Let’s see Ice Man and Toddy Wellemeyer, Felix Pie, Murton (and maybe even Kelton) do what they were seemingly employed to do–play the freakin’ game.
Okay…who’s in?
As much as I hate all things Cardinal, why is Morris wrong when he said that the Brewers and Astros are bigger games than the Cubs?
This team sucks. It’s not even worth my time to explain this. They will mop us up, and even if they get swept, it won’t affect them one bit. I personally am hoping for utter humiliation for some of the guys wearing blue. They deserve it.
The sad thing about me sucking now is that you can’t even say “He was released by the BREWERS! The BREWERS! How good can he be!?” because the Brewers are better than the Cubs.
Welcome to my world, TJ.
Fuck the Cubs, this site is simply un-bee-leavible…
http://www.focusonyourchild.com/develop/art1/A0000683.html
Have at it, kids…
Because Morris couldn’t resist taking a snide pop-shot at the Cubs. And he’s a jerk.
Crying towel, go fuck yourself.
I can’t resist Pop-a-Shot, the crying guy is right about that.
I’m gonna make a complete fool of myself today!
I was listening to the game on Wednesday, and so didn’t catch Mark Grace’s potty-mouth act, but it doesn’t surprise me one bit knowing his mentality. Gracie was back on TV the next night, though. Don’t be surprised; Mark Grace has something over so many people here in Arizona that he could denigrate the dudes with purple hair on the 7 train AND call Donovan McNabb overrated while having sex with Paris Hilton on tape at the same time and not get suspended, let alone fired. Maybe that TV reporter in Chicago you mentioned who was suspended a month for the same offense should have done investigative reports on the benefits of sex with fat chicks…. Also, that story about Will McDonough calling O.J. Simpson a “f-ing a-hole” and O.J. DIDN’T hack him to death? Hard to believe. Oh, and one final note: Could be worse regarding the Cubs. No Cub player has fallen yet for the hidden-ball trick, like Luis Terrero did last night against the Marlins.