There are times when this column writes itself.

Today is one of those days. It all starts with a moran in Denver who thinks that Rasheed Wallace is just the “fiery” leader that the Nuggets need to get over the hump.

If by “getting over the hump” he means rolling back down the hill into last place, he’s exactly right.

Let’s take a look at this beauty.

This was the face of Rasheed Wallace that none of the people who hate him wants to see.

Wallace, known across America as the NBA’s angriest millionaire, was working the Portland locker room like comedian Dave Chappelle, cracking jokes that had teammates falling down in laughter.

First of all, that’s not the face that people who hate him (and I’m not one of them, by the way) want to see. The face I don’t want to see is the one where he’s trying to hide his “still hot to the touch” one hitter under the seat in Damon Stoudamire’s car before the highway patrol officer who just pulled them over shines his flashlight on it.

Bonus points to the columnist, Mark Kisla for dropping Dave Chappelle’s name. We get it, you are extremely white and you get Comedy Central on your cable system. Enough.

Could ‘Sheed, due to be a free agent at season’s end, find happiness in Denver?

“At the end of the day, someone is going to cut that check. It doesn’t matter if it’s Team A, Team B or Team C. Someone is going to cut it,” Wallace told The Denver Post after the Nuggets’ 116-97 victory.

That’s just the kind of leader you want. One who says, I could give a rat’s ass who I play for, as long as they put enough zeroes in the paycheck.

Why would the Nuggets have interest in ‘Sheed, whose most notorious career statistic is the single-season record for technical fouls (41)?

“People associate him with having tantrums on the floor,” said [Portland coach Maurice] Cheeks, who seems genuinely fond of coaching Wallace and goes so far as to call him a leader. “I think people focus more on his temper rather than his ability. And that’s kind of a shame.”

I can’t imagine why people would focus on a guy who has made a habit of getting thrown out of big games for arguing over petty little foul calls and think he has a temper? I’ve got news for Mo and Mark, if Rasheed doesn’t have a temper, then he’s just a certified loony.

In the NBA, talent always wins. And Wallace is 6 feet, 11 inches of proven low-post moves that could convert Denver from inept to impressive in the half-court offense.

Well, nobody’s had more talent than the Blazers the past five years and they haven’t won squat. That could be because Rasheed’s “6 feet, 11 inches of proven low-post moves” are often found camped out behind the three point line, or on the defensive end where he’s pretending to be a subway turnstile.

The Nuggets must hope the trade deadline passes with Wallace still stuck in the Oregon rain. Why? It would seem impossible for Denver to trade for the 29-year-old center’s $17 million annual salary without breaking up the core of Carmelo Anthony, Andre Miller, Nene, Marcus Camby and Earl Boykins.

God forbid you trade Marcus Camby before one of legs falls off…again.

Put it this way. [Nuggets GM Kiki] Vandeweghe and Wallace share a bond common among rebels. Neither man much cares what anybody else in the NBA thinks.

Huh? Kiki Vandeweghe was a rebel? The guy last seen going over the dinner specials at a Denver Applebee’s on draft night 2002? What was he rebelling from in his playing days? Getting a rebound? Passing up a shot?

Guh.

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We had a little fun with Pudge Rodriguez last Friday, and then with Detroit Freep columnist Gene Guidi yesterday, so let’s combine the two today, by breaking down Guidi’s Pudge fellating column.

After weeks of waiting and wondering, Tigers fans awoke today to the picture they wanted to see: Ivan (Pudge) Rodriguez in a Tigers jersey.

After weeks of waiting and wondering, Pudge Rodriguez awoke today to the picture he wanted to see: himself in an Auburn Hills hotel suite lying naked on a pile of cash, doing body shots off of a $1,000 a night hooker.

“After a month of no-comments, it’s nice to be able to make this announcement,” said Dave Dombrowski, the Tigers’ president and general manager.

Dombrowski then announced he was gay.

Rodriguez, 32, said he knows he’s coming to a team that “had a bad season last year,” but added: “I think this year is going to be completely different.

It’s going to be completely different all right. Instead of losing 119 games, they might only lose 99!

“I didn’t come here to lose games,” Rodriguez said. “We’re going to see this Detroit Tigers team in the playoffs very soon.”

When asked what “very soon” meant to him, Rodriguez said he also expects these things to happen “very soon.”

– The colonization of Mars.
– Flying cars.
– The White Sox selling out a home game that the Cubs aren’t playing in.

Rodriguez, a 10-time Gold Glove winner, is aware the Tigers play in the American League Central — perhaps the weakest division in baseball. He told his agent Scott Boras: “I know that division, and it can be mine.”

What Pudge meant was that with $40 million he was pretty sure he’d have enough money to buy the White Sox, Indians, Royals and Twins.

Some suggested the Tigers, hat in hand, went after Rodriguez as an afterthought after being shunned by free agents like Vladimir Guerrero and Miguel Tejada.

Boras said that wasn’t the case.

“We actually were the ones to approach the Tigers about their possible interest back in November,” Boras said. “The Tigers were one of the teams on the list that Pudge was interested in, and we wanted to gauge their interest. The Tigers then got back to us, and it went from there.”

That’s a shock, that Boras would call a team with money burning a hole in their pocket and beg for them to give some to his client, who on his faulty advice, had turned down $24 million for three years in Florida?

After the team traded for shortstop Carlos Guillen in early January, Dombrowski said, he thought the Tigers might be finished with their off-season face-lift for the time being.

That’s when owner Mike Ilitch asked Dombrowski: “What about the catcher?”

…

“Mr. Ilitch gave me a lot of respect and support,” Rodriguez said.

So much respect that he couldn’t remember your name?

Rodriguez said Ilitch was with him when he went to the hospital for his physical.

“He wanted to make sure everything was OK with me,” Rodriguez said. “Things like that mean a lot. There aren’t too many owners who would have done that.”

Rodriguez also thanked Ilitch for “the most tender prostate exam I’ve ever received. He really has very soft hands.”

“Before, things weren’t working well,” said Ilitch, who bought the team in 1992. “We weren’t getting the right players in, and we weren’t performing well.

“Now the organization is starting to come together, and it just kind of evolved that I started getting into the process a little more.”

Starting to come together? They had to win their last three games to avoid tying, or setting the record for the worst record in the 130 year history of Major League Baseball!

The addition of Rodriguez leaves the Tigers with three catchers, including Brandon Inge and Mike DiFelice. Dombrowski said all would go to spring training.

“We’re not sure if we’ll go into the season with two or three catchers,” Dombrowski said. “We’ve got some different thoughts in mind.

What Dombrowski meant was, “Inge and DiFelice suck…maybe the Cubs will want one of them.”

—

Mike Kiley writes in today’s Sun Times that a hopped-up-on-Vicodin-post-surgery-Jim Hendry will be on the phone today with Boras trying to finish up a deal to bring Greg Maddux back to the Chicago.

Cubs general manager Jim Hendry planned to have a more substantive discussion Monday night or today with agent Scott Boras about the chances of working out a contract with free-agent pitcher Greg Maddux.

More substantive than the last one:
Boras: I want you to pay Maddux one billion dollars!
Hendry: Ever use bourbon to swallow a pain pill, Scotty? It’s the best. Hey look, green monkeys!

Hendry said Monday he doesn’t expect to set a deadline for coming to a resolution with Maddux. He vowed to stay in the process until it’s finished because his is the only known offer on the table. With pitchers and catchers scheduled to report to spring training Feb. 18 in Mesa, Ariz., Hendry would like to become more involved with Boras this week in give-and-take negotiating sessions. There was no immediate indication from Hendry that he was willing to increase his offer significantly.

Why would Hendry raise his offer? Maddux hasn’t gotten a nibble from anybody else. That would be like going to Best Buy and saying, “You want $1900 for that 60 inch, flat screen, HDTV? I’ll give you $3,000 for it!”

Maddux, who earned more than $14 million last year with the Braves, reportedly had prepared himself for downsizing but wanted a contract that would average $10 million a year.

Maddux made almost $100 million in his 11 years in Atlanta. I’m not saying he should play for free, but six million’s not enough? What’s he spending his money on? It sure ain’t going on the wardrobe.

While Boras has insisted other National League clubs are hot after Maddux, none has come forward. Even under new ownership, the Los Angeles Dodgers need hitting more than pitching and have cited finding a right-handed hitter as their priority. The two wild cards could be San Francisco and St. Louis, though officials for both clubs have said they are in tight budget situations. Even if they make a late run at Maddux, either the Giants or Cardinals would want him at discount terms not much different than the Cubs’.

The San Diego Padres actively pursued Maddux earlier this offseason but spent their funds elsewhere, and the penny-pinching Arizona Diamondbacks don’t appear to be offering the kind of money that would attract the four-time Cy Young Award winner.

OK, so the Dodgers are a no, the Giants are a no, the Cardinals are a no, the Padres are a no, the Diamondbacks are a no, he doesn’t want to play in the American League, or for the Mets, he can’t go back to Atlanta until May 15 and they are a no anyway. Looks like it’s the Cubs or the Brewers!

—

Teddy Greenstein (who must be bored covering the Sox) says Hendry and Boras are going to get together. But you already knew that.

Good guy Eric Karros is an A.

David Huh says the Bears will be exciting! Sure. Whatever.

The Bulls…are not good.

Groucho writes a column on the Sox and basically says, “Sure the Sox are bad, but compared to the Bulls they’re great!”

Illinois needs to win at Indiana. Gee, ya think?

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to tell the NFL that if they stop letting singers flash their boobs at halftime, the kids will hate football and only watch the X Games! Man, Jay is brilliant! By the way, for the halftime at Super Bowl XXXIX, Meat Loaf plans on showing off his rack. Ewww.

This just in…St. Joe’s is good. Somewhere, Skip Dillard is saying “I told you so!” Is Skip dead?

The Wizard of Roz says that Sox fans are like Hawks fans. Sad and pathetic.

See how much better Bobby Knight is acting! I’m in awe.

The Mets are after Scott Erickson. But I think they really just want his wife.

The Texans are going to try and showcase Drew Henson. Don’t hit any grounders at him.

Remember Kurt Abbott’s creepy little mustache? Well, he’s a cop now, so he fits right in.

Dan LeBatard says Pudge went for the cash. Ya think? I still figure he’ll get traded back to Florida before Labor Day.

Flannel Boy says that Pudge is at that age where stuff starts falling off of catchers. I hate to agree with Rob anything, but you know this is why the Cubs passed on him twice. An interesting thing about older catchers. The two who aged the most gracefully were Carlton Fisk and Bob Boone. When Fisk turned 27 he had caught only 398 games in the majors. When Boone turned 28 he had caught only 397. When Pudge turned 27, he had caught 1133. Yikes. For what it’s worth, Hollywood Hundley had only caught 544, so this could mean nothing. But Johnny Bench had caught 1258 and he was still pretty good until he was 32. Then, he fell apart.

Pudge is 32.

CBS might drop Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake from Sunday’s Grammy show. Hey, we’ve seen all we need to see.

Janet and JT were big hits for those of us with TiVo.

Rudy Martzke’s still a nitwit, but he does have bad news about Tony Kornheiser’s radio show. Mariotti knocked him off the air in Chicago (complete dumbass move) and Tony’s packing it in.

A guy lit a kitten on fire because it pooped on his carpet. I hope by carpet, they mean toupee.

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