Last night I finally had a reason to update the Hank White Fan Club page (as Hank came up clutch, as always in his return to action) and you’ll notice that it gave me a chance to use not one, but two really lame squeeze jokes in one day. Who says I’m not multiversatile?

Not Rick Pitino, that’s for sure.

For the second straight night, and really fifth time in the last six games, the Cubs looked like a real Major League Baseball team. I could get used to this.

Of course, I won’t get my hopes up about it.

Nevertheless, the Cubs are alone in first place and the days on the old schedule calendar are getting low.

Rich Hill was dealing last night, E-ramis came up huge again, and Cliff was in the middle of the game winning rally for a second straight night. When they play like this, you wonder how in the hell they can go through those really long stretches (like the great 6-12 march they bumbled through up to the middle of last week) where they look so bad.

The Marmot pitched a couple of clutch innings, even if he did make a little mess for himself to pitch around in the ninth. But how about him in the eighth? Gets the first two guys out, chats with Lou and Lou decides to walk old Sputnik head with two outs and nobody on (and stops to tell Bonds about it on his way back to the dugout). The Giants pinch run the great Dave Roberts and it looked like Carlos picked him off first. Anyway, Roberts predictably stole second (Jason Kendall’s as helpless as a legless kitten when it comes to throwing out baserunners) but the Marmot would have nothing of it and struck out Bengie Molina with ease.

The Brewers lost to the Diamondbacks so the Cubs have a full one-game lead in the Central. It really doesn’t matter what any of the other teams in the division did since us frontrunning fans have no time to waste on third place or below. What a bunch of pathetic losers! Hah!

I’m having a hard time getting used to first place. I don’t know where the cupholders are, the seat is all screwed up. Oh, well, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to get comfortable. Right?

Seabiscuit’s Jockey says that the Cubs killed two rare birds with one stone. They beat a lefty and in extra innings.

Rumors out of St. Louis are that Albert Pujols hurt himself during his first inning at bat last night. His hip is going numb. Happens to lots of guys his age.

Kind of funny that the Cubs get fired up about a kid with 37 teeth showing them up, when their best pitcher celebrates strikeouts by throwing down a crushed refrigerator box and break dancing in front of the mound.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write about…you know what? I don’t even read his drivel. Let’s not even bother with a link.

America’s newspaper for illiterate ADHD patients interviewed Pollyellon to get a “real Cubs’ fan’s”view of the team. Talk about being overmatched. What was more inane the questions or the answers? Pretty close battle.

When did you start blogging about the Cubs?

I’ve been blogging the Cubs since 2003. At first glance, that wasn’t the best time to start a Cubs blog, coming off a 95-loss season. But that 2003 season was magical. Well, it was up until Game 6 of the NLCS.

Yeah, the year they were five outs away from a World Series was a terrible year to start your little blog.

Can you take us through the roller-coaster season the Cubs have had? What has this done to your emotions?

In reality, nothing more than any Cubs season has done to my emotions.

So, apparently the answer is, no, he can’t take you through the roller-coaster season. He should, though. He’s been so on top of things. Remember how he reacted like a scared little girl when Carlos beat the crap out of Michael Barrett and how he wanted Carlos traded and Barrett canonized? Remember how he was convinced that Lou was in over his head?

What’s the worst move made by team management in recent history?

This is more a “non-move” than a “move.” It’s the over-reliance on comebacks by Kerry Wood and Mark Prior over the last three years — comebacks that never materialized — and so management passed on perhaps acquiring other players who could have helped the team.

Ugh. What a shit answer to that. He’s talking about the Cubs, right? He can’t come up with one, or 132 horrible moves made by team management in ‘recent’ history? My cat could come up with 27 of them and he watches the games on the couch…facing the back of the couch. Much the same way my wife does.

What do you think about a potential Mark Cuban ownership?

I think he’s too much of a loose cannon, too much of an “all-about-me” kind of guy to be a baseball owner. He’d be George Steinbrenner in flip-flops, sitting right next to the dugout, yelling at the manager, players and umpires. Not being from Chicago, he doesn’t really have a sense of the history and traditions of the Cubs.

Of course you don’t like Mark Cuban. He’s too “edgy” for you. Those crazy guys who spend money when it’s necessary and who hold their employees accountable and who go out of their way to provide their fans with something entertaining are just too “out there” for you. Tell you what, we’ll ask Cuban if it’s OK for you to wear your Mickey Morandini jersey and bring in three baloney sandwiches wrapped in wax paper with you as you grab your precious seats towards the back of the left field bleachers. Would that make you feel better? Because really, I hope you’re around to educate Mark in all of the great “history and traditions of the Cubs.” What great history is there? Of being the least successful franchise in professional sports for a fucking century? Don’t tarnish that great history!

What is the best moment in Cubs history since you became a fan?

The 1998 playoff run, where for the last 45 days of the year there was no more than one game between the first- and second-place teams in the wild-card race. When the Cubs clinched, I told a friend of mine, “If they don’t win another game, it will have all been worth it.”

Holy shit. You harken back to a steroid-fueled, terribly played stretch of baseball in a season that ended with the Braves bending the Cubs over and ramming them three straight times in the playoffs? I really thought you were going to say “Having the privilege to see Tom Glavine’s 300th victory. He’s such a champ!”

Was Game 6 in the 2003 NLCS the worst moment? Who is to blame for that loss?

No question about it; even today, nearly four years later, I still cannot believe the Cubs lost that game (to the Florida Marlins). If there is any one individual to “blame” for that loss, it’s (Cubs shortstop) Alex Gonzalez, who, even after the one play I think you’re alluding to — and no, I’m not mentioning the fan’s name — booted what should have been an ending DP ball. Had he done that, the Cubs would have gone to the bottom of the eighth still leading 3-1. That was a team loss. After the missed DP, the entire team fell apart.

(Editor’s note: Steve Bartman has been blamed for the loss by attempting to catch a foul ball that then-Cubs outfielder Moises Alou was pursuing.)

Look, dumbass, if you want to take such pains to try to keep Steve Bartman’s name out of your cute little interview, why did you “allude” to it? And no, game six wasn’t the “worst moment”. How about game seven when a still drunk from the night before Josh Beckett came in and shit hammered the Cubs season shut? That wasn’t worse? The complete week long meltdown in 2004 against the Reds and Braves at home wasn’t worse? Having to watch Neifi do anything or listen to Dusty explain anything wasn’t worse?

Nice job. Way to reinforce the impression that all Cubs’ fans are simple minded dopes. You’re an inspiration to us all.

What was more surprising, that the Rangers beat the Orioles 30-3 or that LaTroy wasn’t around to give up 20 of ’em anymore?

America’s finest sports news source on Peyton’s diligence in teaching Jim Sorgi the proper way to hold his clipboard.