First the good news. I’m not going to overtly try and sell you our book anymore.

Now, the bad news. You’re going to have to live with the first item on Desipio being that gratuitous ad for the book until it reaches the NY Times Bestseller list. So buckle up.

Anyway, now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to something really important.

Rupert’s booting from Survivor.

I did not get home until late in the evening last night and I watched a taped version of Survivor, so my normal procedure of writing down my pithy comments as they come to me was interrupted. I’m doing this all off my memory. So let’s see just how many brain cells I killed in college.

Previously, on Survivor: Dick Hatch is naked again. Rudy’s crusty and lovable. Colby’s winning all of the challenges. Damn, that Jerri is a bitch. Everybody loves Elisabeth. OK, I’ve gone back too far haven’t I?

Creepy Ryan O. was voted off and in his final words, he channeled Arnold Schwarzenegger and said, “I’ll be back.” He’s either way too much into being on the jury, or he’s planning a run for Governor of California.

The show starts with everybody scrambling to figure out what alliance will work best for them. Christa and Sandra have decided to barnacle themselves to Rupert and see how far he’ll take them. They think that Johnny Fair Play and Burton will do the same thing.

Johnny Fair Play and Burton figure that if they can get Tijuana, Darrah and Lil to agree to vote with them, they can take Rupert out now and pick Christa and Sandra off pretty easily.

They are, of course, right.

Rupert goes off to hunt shark. I’m not kidding. Granted, it was a little shark…

Christa and Sandra go off to suck on lemons. Also, not kidding.

That leaves Johnny FP and Burton alone with what’s left of the Morgan tribe. They tell the women their plan and Darrah and Tijuana are very excited. Lillian looks confused. But that’s just because she always looks confused.

Tijuana hugs Burton and John, and John turns his body away from camera for a few minutes until his shorts are back at half mast.

Rupert does not catch his shark, but does catch fish.

The reward challenge prize is for two people to win a day on a catamaran drinking beer, eating pizza and fishing. The challenge involves jumping and running and ringing bells and doing a puzzle and all kinds of dumb stuff. Here’s what you need to know.

– Rupert falls down and accidentally moons the camera, so we get a strange blurred spot over his rump.
– Lil falls down on her face at least nine times.
– Johnny FP forgets to ring a bell, but recovers to not lose his heat. He only had four things to remember and he forgot one of them. Yikes.
– Tijuana is fast. Darrah is emaciated. Darrah must weigh 45 pounds right now. Eww.

The team of Burton and Lillian win the challenge. It was basically Burton carrying her decaying, Boy Scout corpse, but they still won.

Burton had apparently promised Rupert that as a thank you for Rupert giving him the breakfast reward in the challenge that Rupert won last time, if Burton won this time he’d give it to Rupert.

Lillian keeps her prize, but Burton gives his to Johnny FP. Rupert’s a little mad.

Burton explains to the camera that he didn’t want Rupert eating real food and getting energized before the next immunity challenge. Finally, somebody’s thinking in this game.

Lil cries that she was a “selfish bitch” in keeping her prize. She says she’s poor and doesn’t get to go on vacations and wanted to sail on a “pretty boat.” She’s insane. Why feel guilty about winning? Screw the losers! How crazy is Lillian?

She’s almost as bats as this guy:

OK, maybe not. But she’s at least as crazy as the morons who spent time out of their day to go “support” Michael Jackson.

Anyway. Sandra is taking a crap in some bushes and overhears Burton and Johnny FP re-explaining their plan to get rid of Rupert. How much do these two need to talk about this? Yeesh.

She runs to Rupert and he’s mad. He tells her that when Lil comes back off that boat he’ll find out what she talked about. OK, J. Edgar Rupert. Whatever.

Lil and Johnny FP go out on the boat and Lil gets drunk on “three quarters of a beer.” I guess when you ‘ve been eating half a fish a day and weigh 104 pounds it doesn’t take much.

She and Johnny FP catch nothing. That could have been because the boat never stopped. They just threw some lines in the water and drove 87 miles an hour in circles for a few hours.

Back at camp, Rupert cuddles up next to Lil and she tells him she’s still with him and his alliance.

Lil’s getting good at this lying stuff. Rupert feels safe.

The immunity challenge is an elaborate dart game. It would have been really fun had they allowed the castaways to throw the darts at the board. Every player was given a color and that color was represented on the dart board. First, you had to hit your color to make yourself a “killer.” Once you were a killer you could hit other people’s colors and kill them. But, they had to use a blow gun. Booo!

The ladies were completely useless with the blow gun. Make your own jokes here.

Rupert was pretty good with it, but Burton got a “triple” on Rupert and then Sandra accidentally knocked Rupert out. Oops!

Burton was the last one left and he won immunity.

Rupert was gone, and though he was suspicious, he thought he was safe.

All it took was for Lillian to pretend she was going to vote with the “alliance” and vote out Darrah.

Lil did that.

At Tribal Council Sandra yelled at Jon for being lazy. He said he didn’t care what she said about anything.

Then, Sandra screwed up.

She got so mad at Jon that she voted for him. Rupert and Christa voted for Darrah. With eight people left, even if Lillian had voted for Darrah, all it would have taken was for Burton and Jon to join with Darrah and Tijuana and Rupert would have been launched.

As it was, Lil voted for Rupert, too. But Sandra doesn’t know that. She’s not sure now if everybody flipped or if she screwed up and lost him his spot. Muahahahahahahaha!

Rupert’s final words were a little pathetic. He said he “needed” to win Survivor. I don’t think he meant he needed the money. I think he meant he needed to win to “be somebody.” How sad.

Next week Jon gets some tragic news (he’s told his perm hasn’t been in style since…well, ever) and Christa “sabotages” the camp. No doubt she tries to cook up some meth and burns down the shelter.
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Do you cook up meth? The only guy I know who took meth was David Silver on 90210 and he mixed the powder with OJ.

Orange juice. Not Orenthal James. But you knew that.

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The return of the Michael Jackson molestation jokes reminded me of my favorite OJ jokes. I actually used one in a welcome address to some medical students back in 1996.

Here’s that one.

Johnnie Cochran walks into OJ’s cell and says, “I’ve got good news and bad news.” OJ asks to hear the bad news. Johnnie says, “They found huge amounts of your blood in the Bronco, at the crime scene and in your house.” OJ asks what the good news is. “Your cholesterol is 180.”

But my favorite one is this one:
What will OJ stand for in prison? Orifice Jamboree.

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Did we really see about a half hour of CNN coverage yesterday of Michael Jackson’s plane sticking out of a hangar?

Freud would have had a field day with that.

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Brian Urlacher’s keeping his chin up. He’s not in the Paris Hilton video (yet) and besides, now Michael Jackson is the celebrity freak of the day.

The Sox are trying to “fix up” US Cellular Trailer Park. Yeah, that’ll help.

The Bruce Weber era begins with three players suspended for accepting stolen DVDs. I hope they were good ones. If Luther Head got suspended for watching “Eight Crazy Nights” he’s a dope.

John Jackson says it might be a while before Notre Dame really has to join a conference.

Sports Guy with a running diary of his fantasy hoops draft. It couldn’t have a yielded him a team worse than mine. Woof.

Hockey should always be played outside. Just like in Mystery, Alaska. A surprisingly funny movie.

TCU just went the way of NIU. Buh-bye.

Well, I was almost right. The next Bachelorette is one that Bob dumped, but not my dear, sweet Kelly Jo. Instead it’s going to be Meredith.

Boo!

Jermaine Jackson says that Michael’s arrest is a “modern day lynching.” You know, except without the..uh..lyinching part.

Wow, Michael Jackson’s such a freak, nobody’s in Hollywood is coming to his defense. Yikes.

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