I have a number of reasons to dislike Rick Neuheisel. Most of them revolve around his chronic inability to beat Nebraska when he was at Colorado. But there are others. He was the quarterback at UCLA when the 1983 Illinois Big Ten Champs got whumped in the Rose Bowl. He’s a lawyer. He’s rich. He takes a boat to work (well…used to). He wears sweater vests. He’s got those weird red cheeks.

But with all of that taken into account. I’ve got an interesting proposition for the Washington Huskies, who are now in the market for a new head football coach.

How about John Shoop? Hey, it’s just crazy enough to work (too bad I’m not). College football is full of mediocre former Chicago Bears offensive assistant coaches. Gary Crowton juiced up BYU’s offense and they’re fun to watch again. Mike Shula’s going to be the head coach at ‘Bama this fall. Why not Shoop?

He’s got quite a few advantages that you might not be aware of. But I’m happy to tell you.

– He doesn’t blink, so he always looks intense. You will, however, need one of the student trainers to douse his face with saline every twenty minutes, or he’ll go blind.

– I know your university is officially the University of Washington, but Shoop won’t have time to actually say all of that, that’s why the fact that you like to be called U-Dub is perfect.

– Every player on your team, and every player that you recruit thinks he’s going to be an NFL player. So think of the advantage you’ll have with Shoop who in the last two and a half years has worked with a roster of players that we can honestly say was mostly NFL caliber. Mostly.

– Think of the cool “Shoop, Shoop, Shoop” chant your fans will get to enjoy.

– He looks almost as snazzy in a sweater vest as Rick Neuheisel.

– Shoop’s a little behind the times (not that it’s a bad thing) and he’s just now really getting into that whole 1991 grunge rock scene that you guys are so proud of.

– Seattle’s famous for coffee, and one look at Shoop should prove to you that he enjoys being heavily caffineated at all times.

Oh, just one thing. We’re just going to need for you to send Neuheisel to Chicago to run our offense and..uh, can you have him bring wide reciever Reggie Williams with him? Thanks.

I think it’s safe to lump Neuheisel in with the other two prominent college coaches who lost their jobs this offseason for off-field behavior. But when you consider that Larry Eustachy got the axe for drinking and smoking with some chubby co-eds at K-State and Missouri, and Mike Price got whacked for a “private” lap dance from a hail damaged, nearly 40 year old stripper, it’s obvious that Neuheisel’s transgressions were the least of the three. And the most boring.

There’s a lesson in here. If you’re going to do something dumb to get yourself fired from a multi-million dollar job, you might as well make it worthwhile. It really should involve videotaped evidence of you snorting lines of coke off of a dead hooker.

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It’s ironic that on the day that Jeff Van Gundy signs a ludicrous four-year, $18 million contract with the Rockets and forces us to remember that horrendous NBA Finals that featured the Knicks team that VAn Gundy was an assistant coach on and the Rockets (and OJ’s car chase, and John Starks shooting and missing and shooting and missing and shooting and missing…) that the Nets and Spurs harken back to those unwatchable games. The worst part of the Nets’ win? It means that no matter what, this series is going six games. What did we do to deserve this?

—
Honestly, what is the point of Jason Kidd and his obviously hot, but vapid, wife Joumana dragging their enormous baby around everywhere. I don’t mind that the kid goes to the games. It’d be cool, no matter how old you were, to watch dad play NBA basketball. But that kid ends up on every postgame interview, too. What’s the point? He always looks like he needs a nap, his head is sixteen times the normal size for a toddler his age, and if his eyes were any farther apart he’d be classified as some species of fish.

We live in a cynical society, and as quick as we are to forgive (see: Sosa, Sammy and Clinton, Bill, and about 143,021 other recent examples), we don’t like to be pandered to. This “hey, look it’s my wife and kid, see how happy we all are!” thing from Jason Kidd smacks of pandering. Jason’s probably as famous for hitting his wife and trying to re-enact the “Here’s Johnny” scene from “The Shining” only with his fist substituting for the axe, as he is for being a great player. He and Joumana stayed together and worked it out. That’s great. But WE GET IT! Stop beating us over the head with it. Make it stop. Please! You’re happy. Your kid is happy. But you know what? He’s also sleepy. Every time you see TJ on TV he looks like he’d give up his trust fund for a pillow. Take the kid home after the game, like every other set of parents in the world.

—

The Cubs won another Sammy-less game, though the normally solid bullpen had a rough go of it in the eighth. Dave Kelton also proved two things, he can really hit and in left field…uh…he can really hit.

The Cubs were not happy with the slow reactions to the “idiot comedian” who ran on the field to taunt Sammy on Tuesday. I can see why security would be lax in Baltimore, after all, it’s not like last year they had some crazy asses running around sniping people or anything.

Sammy’s suspension went from eight to seven.

“Mr. Rogers? Yes, the dead horse is right over here. How long will you be beating it?”

It’s official, Mark Buehrle sucks.

Mike Brown is about to get paid.

Groucho wants to know how guys like Jeff Van Gundy and Tim Floyd get second chances, when good, proven assistant coaches don’t get first chances.

Rick Morrissey says that betting against the best breasts in this year’s US Open field.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to condescend against both Chicago and New York fans. How nice.

Dave Kelton wants his error, please.

The Wizard of Roz says that Sammy is selfish. Well stop the freakin’ presses.

Jayson Stark shows us the “all walk-year” team. Yeah, this will help the image of the fat cat ballplayer.

Only Jimy Williams would need six guys to get his team a no-hitter.

Kazu Sasaki, the 59 year old closer for the Seattle Mariners hurt himself carrying his suitcase. Hey, they’re lucky he didn’t break his hip.

Lester Munson on the progress of the seedy Jordan-Knafel trial.

Ted Casablanca with news on Keanu and Sandra Bullock, Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz and that Harvey Fierstein is apparently gay. Who knew?

(Andy blows the dust off this joke…)
“Niedermeyer!”
“Dead!”
“Marmalard!”
“Dead!”
“Wormer!”
“Dead!”
“David Brinkley”
…

Michael Jackson loves KFC! Who knew?

Adam Ant still likes to display his naughty bits. Only now, it gets him locked up.

Dick Morris writes a lovely letter to Hillary. It talks about how Bubba kicked his ass one night. How quaint.

Boston scientists have put a computer port in a man’s head so they can load software into his brain. But enough about Theo Epstein…