The All-Star break is here, which means four days with no “real” baseball, and only baseball would take a “mid-season” break after 94 games were played in a 162 game season.

As for the Cubs and Sox. What do we think of their first “halves”?

Perspective, of course, is everything. Expected to contend for a playoff spot all season, the Sox sub .500 record is a complete failure. If not for the bad press that would come from firing your manager while hosting the All-Star Game, Budda Manuel would be out the door this week. Instead, they’ll limp along with him all season and then fire him in November.

The Cubs are also a disappointment, though at 47-47 we would have hugged Jim Hendry in Spring Training if we knew that was possible. However, given that this team spent 68 days (SIXTY-EIGHT GLORIOUS DAYS!) in first place, and so going from as high as nine games over .500 to this is disconcerting.

Rumors abound on a daily basis about what’s going to happen with the Cubs. Currently, there are two rumors that I’m on board with. The first, would assemble an all-linebacker outfield. You can practically hear the ball rolling through the gaps and bouncing off the wall already.

But this trade would be too good to pass up.

According to ESPN Radio 1000, and last night at 3 a.m. on Fox Sports Radio (don’t ask why I heard that, lets just say that this morning I have my eyelids propped open Sylvester the Cat style–with toothpicks) the Cubs might finish a three-way trade today that would send the untradable El Pulpo to the Marlins, a prospect to the Mets and Jeromy Burnitz to the Cubs.

The reports differ. One has the Cubs and Marlins each sending a prospect to the Mets, one has just the Marlins sending a prospect to the Mets. Both versions have the Cubs paying Alfonseca’s contract for the rest of the season and the Mets paying half of Burnitz’s salary (12.1 million bucks–seriously) for the rest of the season. Just how the Marlins think this will help their bullpen is a mystery. But who cares? They know El Pulpo better than anybody else. Have fun.

This trade would give the Cubs an outfield of Moises Alou in left, Sammy Sosa in right and Jeromy Burnitz in centerfield. Jeromy Burnitz. The bald, chubby corner outfielder out there killing grass in center. Can you do this? Can you play these three guys out there?

Remember in 1994 when the Cubs played with an outfield of Derrick May in left, Sosa in right and Glenallen Hill in center? See, it’s been done before.

(OK, now here is where I mention that the 1994 Cubs finished 49-64 and I was actually happy that the strike came and ended that miserable-ass season.)

Despite his recent frisky play, you don’t want Tom Goodwin out there in center every day. And you sure as hell don’t want to trade an actual player to Pittsburgh for whatever is left of Kenny Lofton. No. Don’t do it.

The other trade just seems too logical to happen. Steve Stone apparently told the Score over the weekend that he thinks two things will happen (in this order) in Cincinnati over the All-Star Break. 1) The Reds will fire Bob Boone (seems like a lock) and the Reds will then trade Aaron Boone to the Cubs for Juan Cruz and a pitching prospect.

Before we worry about how good the Reds might actually be some day if they can ever pitch, let’s look at the Cubs lineup with Burnitz and Boone in it.

2b Gruddy
ss Gonzalez
rf Sosa
lf Alou
cf Burnitz
3b Boone
1b Choi/Karros
c Miller

If I were making out the lineup card, I’d hit Choi second and Gonzalez seventh, but that’s just me. Suddenly, this is a lineup that can actually hit.

I had Brewers season tickets in 2001 and 2002 (don’t ask) and so for 2001 I saw Burnitz play 20 times in right field. In fact, I saw a lot of him because my seats were at field level in right field. He’s a very good outfielder and surprisingly fast for a 230 pound 34 year old (of course then he was a 215 pound 32 year old–but bare with me here). I’m not saying he’s a center fielder, because…he’s not. But if all it costs you is El Pulpo and about $3 million…what’s to think about? Do it?

Boone is an inspired choice for two reasons. Jim Hendry has not given up on the idea of getting Mike Lowell in the offseason. He’s a smart guy, and he knows that the Marlins made a PR move in taking Lowell off the market. They have no intention of paying him the $8 or $9 million that he’ll win in arbitration. If you trade for Boone to play third this year, you can still get Lowell in the offseason and just move Boone to second base. And then, you’ve got a real infield next year. Plus, there’s no room for Lenny Harris. See, this all works.

The other thing is that both of these guys are guys who Dusty will love. Burnitz is, acknowledged to be a great guy. He’s a leader, he’s a hard worker and he doesn’t bitch. Boone is the same way. These guys are almost anti-Cub.

So what does it mean?

It means neither trade will happen.

And we’ll end up with Kenny Lofton playing center and bitching every day and Aramis Ramirez playing third base and taking naps in the dugout between innings.

Sigh.

On Friday, the Commissioner’s Office announced they were suspending Randall Simon for hitting the Italian Sausage in the head with a baseball bat. How ridiculous is this? It was bad enough that Simon got arrested for trying to be playful, but a suspension? Guh.

The Beloit Snappers, the class A affiliate of the Milwaukee Brewers took full advantage of the situation on Friday night. During the third inning, they did their normal between innings grabass thing where their mascot Snappy D. Turtle raced a little kid from second base to home. Only this time, as he rounded third, Snappy was clubbed by Snappers pitcher Dennis Sarfate with a bat, knocked to the ground and beaten to within an inch of his life. Hilarity insued. Just like it should have in Milwaukee. But, alas.

Saturday was the 103rd anniversary of Cy Young’s 300th career victory. He struck out Albert Pujols twice in that game.

Buh-dump-ump!

I’m telling you, I’m not wrong about Jim Edmonds being a bad influence in St. Louis. Pujols acts just like him, all the time, now. It’s horrid. He hits a homer and he stands and admires it. Then he takes that Rickey Henderson long stroll around the bases. He’s an Edmonds clone. The next thing you know he’ll start diving after routine flyballs to get on SportsCenter more often. If he really wants to act just like Edmonds he’ll get the top of his hair permed and molest small farm animals in the on-deck circle. Nobody wants to see that.

Ever.

Maybe that’s what should drive the Cubs in the second half. The Cardinals are an overrated mess. They can’t pitch, Matt Morris’ arm is falling off (can you say torn labrum?), they’re going to trade JD Drew because (altogether now) Jim Edmonds doesn’t like him, and the Cubs are better than they are. I believe this in my bones. When have I ever let you down?

OK, let’s not go there.

—

The Cubs, like water have found their own level. Boo!

Corey Patterson has heard that it takes anywhere from six months to two years to come back from an ACL injury. That’s true. It takes world-class athletes like Corey six months…it takes fat losers who work in a warehouse and eat ring dings all day two years.

Which player requested El Pulpo as his Home Run Derby pitcher?

By the way, a home run derby without either McGwire or Sosa might as well be broadcast on one of those weird Discovery Channel spinoffs. Anybody who actually wants to see Bret Boone or Pujols is lying.

The Sox salvaged two wins in four games against the hapless Indians. Big whup. Is it bad when two teams wear throwback uniforms and they look better than the ones they normally wear?

Dave Kelton stopped by the Futures Game on his trip from Vegas to Memphis.

Rick Morrissey with a half-assed effort on the All-Star Game.

Kelton was hoping he could just stay in Chicago. His time will come. Soon.

Before we start pointing fingers at Ohio State’s Maurice Clarett, let’s just acknowledge that this kind of thing happens all the time, at all levels of college athletics. I once took a Coaching Football class at NIU with Heisman Trophy contender LeShon Johnson, and though attendance was worth 80 percent of your grade and LeShon never showed…he got an A.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut and argues for and against Sammy in the All-Star Game. The man’s a menace. Pick a side, moron.

John Jackson gets the Anti-Christ to defend Sammy. Sammy doesn’t need this. He also doesn’t need Joe talking to him “every day.” Huh? That doesn’t really happen does it?

The Wizard of Roz on the improbable return of Jamie Moyer.

Peter Gammons’ Diamond Notes are vaguer than ever. But one thing rings true. The Rangers absolutely stole Adrian Gonzalez for Ugueth Urbina. John Hart should have worn a ski-mask during the trade negotiations.

Deion Sanders says he’ll only pay $1500 of a more than $4,000 car repair bill because “Jesus told him” to only pay that much. I’ll try that at lunch and see if I can get a Big Mac and a Coke for the Jesus discount.

Juwan Howard will get to shirk contact under the basket for $28 million in Orlando for four years. Nice work if you can get it.

In every way, Jerry Stackhouse is just a poor-man’s Kobe.

Sports Guy answers his mail. I like him, but his ballpark cycle thing is incredibly lame. However, the Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash photos are priceless.

Marc Spears wonders why Michael Olowokandi doesn’t get more love. It could be because his name translates to “medicore crap.”

Smack my ass and call me Judy–I didn’t see this coming with Shea Hillenbrand. But then, the second half hasn’t started yet. Technically.

George King–who’s always wrong–thinks Juan Gonzalez’s change of agent will land him on the Yankees. I think he’ll end up a Royal. For two reasons. One, Juan’s a KC kind of guy, and two, the Yankees have nothing to give.

Corey Maggette is going to sign with Utah? Really? Why? This makes no sense.

The Knicks still want Antoine Walker. Are they drunk, or just stupid? Oh, wait, they’re the Knicks. Never mind.

The Pirates are going to trade everybody but Jack Wilson.

Matt Herges would have looked good in the Cubs bullpen. Sigh.

How’d you like to be Ben Petrick today? You just got traded to Detroit (boo!) for a pitcher who’s 1-12 this year. (Ouch.)

It was Sleepy Hollow I think, no, probably Ed Wood, but suddenly I liked Johnny Depp. Still do.

Does anybody really believe Ashton Kutcher didn’t say that he enjoys f@#$ing Demi Moore? Didn’t think so. Sounds to me like little Ashton got yelled at by his big, meanie girlfriend.

Don’t Bogart the hookah, man!

A man who ate his…uh…umm…you know, is under psychiatric care. Really? You don’t say?

Hah! Women lie about sex! Apparently they do enjoy it. Who knew?

See, Randall Simon, it could have been worse. You could have killed a panda, not just banged a sausage.

Ninety percent of women who have affairs don’t feel guilty about it. Sure, so I end up with the ten percent. Hey, how much of that was out loud?

Singapore is still going to ban Sex In The City. That doesn’t prove they’re conservative…it just proves they know bad comedy when they see it.

It must just kill HBO to have to put a terribly overrated show on right before a great show. You know they cringe when the same people suffer through Sex In The City just to get to good stuff like The Wire.

Who’s dancing on Grant’s Tomb? Oh, it’s Beyonce.

Disney and Miramax have had this Joaquin Phoenix movie in the can for a long time waiting to release it. If it’s as funny as “Deal of the Century” they might just want to burn it.

The world’s greatest newspaper with tips on how to tell your parents you are gay. Why not just go out for the school play or soccer like every other gay kid? Or, date a fat girl. That usually proves it.