The winter meetings are over (and we know this because Jim Hendry’s mini-bar is empty) and the Cubs have been busy seeding the clouds with ideas like, “Hey, we got Juan Pierre, all we need is a hack right fielder and we’re golden!” or “Maybe if we stop talking about all the money we haven’t spent, they’ll forget about it?”
So while they thought they were going to have a little downtime, a chance to catch up on their Christmas shopping–Andy MacPhail is in dire need of another tweed sport coat and it’s about time for Hendry to grab a present and fall down the basement steps while carrying it–the ghost of failed offseasons past reared his head and offered up a second chance to botch a franchise altering acquisition.
It seems the guy the Cubs should have signed in the offseason after the 2003 NLCS collapse wants out of Baltimore. Miguel Tejada has had it with Baltimore, wants a trade and isn’t afraid to express it.
It’s curious, actually, because the Orioles, to this point, have had a pretty good offseason. They got rid of mirrored-sunglass wearing manager Lee Mazilli, and hired the best friend of the best pitching coach…ever…Sam Perlozzo–to be the new manager, and he turned on the charm and brought in the best pitching coach ever to join his staff. They lost BJ Ryan to a hugemungous contract offer from Toronto, but they added one of the best hitting catchers in the game yesterday in Ramon Hernandez. They even showed former Cubs Sammy Sosa and Rafael Palmeiro the door. Everything’s gravy!
So why would Miguel pick yesterday to demand his ticket out of town? Anybody have any ideas?
Did anything else happen, say, just yesterday that would have motivated Tejada to do such a thing?
Oh, the Red Sox need a shortstop? You don’t say?
If the Cubs were a real baseball franchise, the events of yesterday would have had them giving each other awkward white man high fives and doing that weird thing where you make a fist and pump your bent arms back and forth like those Boxing Nun Puppets.
Why?
Because if you’re the Orioles, and you’re already tired of the f@$%ing Red Sox and Yankees buying up all the talent and keeping down the rest of your division, AND you are tired of their fans outnumbering yours at your home games AND you’re sick to death that you lost out on the “best American League franchise not in the Bronx” status you once had to the Red Sox, the last thing you’re going to do is trade Miguel Tejada to Boston.
But now you’ve got a very expensive (actually, he makes less than Rafael Furcal–if you can believe that), very disgruntled, “team leader.” Tejada is by all accounts a very well-liked player. His teammates like him, the opponents seem to like him, puppies and small children respond favorably to his visage… Heck, Rafael Palmeiro liked him so much he let Miggy give him shots in the ass. Not the Jim Edmonds kind either, the kind with a syringe.
So you’re the Cubs. You have a pile of cash that you haven’t spent yet this offseason, you have a stated need for a shortstop and an offense in dire need of an upgrade and suddenly, the guy who you could have had two offseasons ago is trying to force himself back onto the market.
What do you do?
You can go one of three ways:
1) You call up the Orioles and offer them a package that includes your own promising shortstop Ronny Cedeno, plus 24 year old starting pitcher Jerome Williams, a pitching prospect or two and if the Orioles seem to still be listening you let them know that even the world famous untouchable Felix Pie can be had.
2) You call Neifi and tell him to get in good shape because he’s playing every day next year!
3) You eat another cruller, throw in another one of those Paul Harvey “Rest of the Story” CDs your mom gave you for Christmas last year and you pretend you didn’t hear nuthin’ about no Tejada.
It didn’t make any sense in the winter of ’03-’04 when the Cubs didn’t go hard after Tejada. They had a gaping hole at shorstop, filled at the time only by offensively challenged-and NLCS scapegoat-Alex Gonzalez.
You can’t even say they were being cheap, because they signed a much older player at a position they were far deeper at for three years and 27 million later on in the offseason.
Not that we don’t have man love for Greg Maddux, but if it was one or the other, Greggie could be playing in Barstow for all I care.
So they weren’t being cheap, just shortsighted and dumb. OK, maybe they were being cheap, after all, there was no law against getting Tejada AND Maddux. So it’s pretty much the Cubs triumvirate. The team crest is the Cubs logo, a blue L flag flying in the background and the words Cheap, Shortsighted and Dumb outlining the whole thing. Oh, it’s grand. I have it laid out in tile in my foyer.
They kept Gonzalez for another year because they owed him money and if there’s one thing Andy MacPhail hates it’s spending money on guys to start and have them parked on the bench. Remember that when Neifi is playing second base and Hendry’s tearing out what’s left of his hair while Dusty and Andy look on adoringly.
They kept Gonzalez and then realized he sucked. Then he broke his arm (hilariously, he was hit in the arm with a pitch, was not given first base and struck out) missed most of the first half and at the trade deadline was sent away in the Nomar deal.
The Cubs traded Gonzalez, Brendan Harris, Frank Beltran and Justin Jones in that deal. Remember that. Write that down.
Nomar turned out to be an offensive force and an injury prone, defensive farce. It’s only a year and a half later and he’s gone. They did get Matt Murton, and that’s something.
So now you can at least make a run at Tejada. It could be that the Orioles don’t want to trade him. But you’d better find out.
And what if the cost was Cedeno, Pie, Williams, and two minor leaguers?
If you get Tejada you’d be happy.
And we might not remind you that you could have had him two years ago and still had Cedeno, Pie, Williams, the two minor leaguers, Brendan Harris, Justin Jones and Frank Beltran.
Ahh, but who’s counting?
New low for Desipio…picture of the plane that killed an 8 year old boy……brilliant. Suggestion…..find a new picture.
It was a 6 year old boy, and I had him in the Desipio dead pool. So that’s where the connection is. Plus it was from Baltimore, which is where Hendry better pack his fat ass off to.
Honesty compels me to say that there have been many more lows than this. Like whenever they pick on me!
Hey #1, if you think that’s bad, wait until I sue you for using an in-joke for your moniker from a movie that Eddie Murphy stole from me.
New low for Desipio? I knew I came here for a reason.
6, 8 whats the difference………Desipio is great, but not this time.
I love ripping on the Cubs. Or ignoring them. Because I’m a limp-wristed show tunes lover.
If thou removeth that picture of the plane, I will giveth life back to that six year old and grant thine Cubbies a World’s Championship!
Not. Cool.
Amigos! Let me just say before I come to Chicago that I’m built like a linebacker and enjoy Vitamin B-12! That doesn’t mean I’m on the juice though, so throw caution to the wind! I will remind you of Sammy.
Its the same picture on the front of the Tribune. Go into the bathroom and close the door.
Fine, forget I said anything. My dad hates you guys anyway.
So what’s it gonna be?
Hank White, Jack Pete… Mike Tiled?
Let’s see…. Miggy Smalls? The Notorious M.I.G.?
This Little Miggy Had Roast Beef?
Mig-10?
Miggie May?
Had The Two-ForTe-jada Have The Puddin’? (Anyone who picks up on that reference is a king among men.)
Speaking of Sosa, has anyone heard if he will even be playing next year. Thats a name I have not heard this winter. It would be funny if he was forced to retire without all the fanfare he thinks he deserves.
Sammy says he’s going to sign with a “surprise” team. Right now even that team would be surprised.
Here I is dawgz.
How about Sammy signing with Satan’s Minions? They’re down an outfielder or two (no Walker or Sanders) and they’re looking at an OF of Taguchi, Lassie, and someone else.
At this point, Sammy couldn’t even ride the bench in me.
I’d love to have Sammy Sosa on my team! I managed him in Texas, you know. Oh, by the way, we’d beat the White Sox in a Best of Seven Series.
I’m a douchebag.
Stark’s a hack. When you write that column, several teams should be on both the Winners list and the Losers list.
If you knew the winter meetings ended when Hendry’s mini-bar was empty, the meetings would have ended on me, the first day.
What’s with the plane?
Apparently, a intersection filled with cars.
Gold, Robby and Matt. Comedy Gold!!
Helicopters crash faster…and better.
I don’t mind seeing the picture of the plane and don’t really look at it as being low, but making fun of Jesus giving life back to that poor kid is! I hope none of you bastards that laughed at that ever have kids. I mean come on, making fun of the situation just comes from a person who is sackless! Speaking of sackless I thought Sammy was suppose to sign with the Mets, Toronto, A’s, Cubs ground crew…. anyway I feel sorry for that family and pray that they don’t go nuts. Thing about the situation that mom was going through, probably in the car, kids are screaming and crying because they have been stuck in it for 6 hours trying to get home through that gridlock and then all of a sudden a plane starts coming towards you and you have nowhere to run. My heart goes out to them.
The only way the Cubs get me is this:
1) I don’t get traded this winter for Manny or Abreu or Zito, then
2) Cubs get in line with everyone else offering prospects once the O’s are 15 out in July.
Number 26 just cried me.
#28… I did…. cause I have my own kids. Idiots like you will only reproduce on accident. You know kind of like your parents told you when you were little.
I think Dolan cracked today. He wants the Cubs to trade away Cedeno for Tejada. Cedeno has massive amounts of upside from what we have seen of him. You say that the Cubs are shortsighted. What about yourself? You pretty much proposed trading away half of the cubs future for Tejada. Tejada is valuable, but I don’t think he is Cedeno, Pie, and Williams valuable.
Wow, way to be a hypocrite there 29. Don’t act like you are full of my love if you aren’t. Oh, by the way, little boy says hi.
Hey “Number 26” just pretend that Sosa was in the car since you obviously have a firm grasp of the humor around here.If it makes you feel any better little Timmy could really use that heart you’re giving out to them,and would spare us from reading anymore of your high-horse posts.Afterall,the internet is serious business.
Do you seriously consider Jerome Williams….Valuable?
I do have a question regarding whether or not tejada has a no trade clause in his contract, but am hesitant to ask this group sixth graders.
Not one of you has even engaged the question that the article poses…for six hours! It is truly boring that this site has digressed into a pissing-contest chat room. Between the burps of morality and the uncontrollable wit displayed in yet another ‘hilarious’ Hendry joke, one has to question the quality of the fan as much as the quality of the team.
thank you #33. a question having to do with the cubs? williams is valuable, but like most cubs, his value comes with a fair amount of risk. if he can settle into a rotation on a team with a good pitching coach he has really good stuff. i believe he was starting to do that with the cubs. Like so many before him, he was a young kid who was highly touted and who reached a modicum of success. then he went 0-6 to start the year. i think he is of value in that he is smart guy who had his bell rung in a bad situation and now wants to prove that his $#@t stinks. i like the guy and believe that there are gm’s out there that would consider him a valuable part of a package.
number 28: YOUUUUUU SUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!
A quick google search turned up a site with current Orioles contracts no trade clauses were listed for those who had them.Tejada doesn’t have anything listed.
http://www.mlb4u.com/bal.html
By the way,any sixth grader could look this stuff up on their own.
Apparently, I like the letter u.
I agree, this site, lately, has turned into a night at the improv. Unfortunately most of it is not funny. Anyway, Tejada is demanding a trade because his team sucks, Sorriano gets traded but says he refuses to play in the outfield. Ramirez wants traded, again, out of Boston, Patterson refuses to play winter ball for the Cubs after another dismal season. Whats happened to todays athletes? Its a shame they have guaranteed contracts, baseball is only a few years away from looking like the NBA with players refusing trades altogether that dont have no trade clauses. I guess you can do that when your a millionaire. Oh and Jim Hendry ate a doughnut….hahahahahahahaha…..sorry, I couldnt resist
(If that is your real name.)
I guess you had a decent hitting line, but your pitching career consists of 1.1 innings, 6 ER for a 40.50 ERA. Are you the smart little guy who got his bell rung?
I’ll take my answer off the air. Thank you.
why does everyone make lineups without me in them? is it a forgone conclusion that i’m gone?
if you think the cubs outlook is grim now. think about having to put me in the game to pitch after Rueschel, D. Lamp and the mighty Lynn McGlothlen were punched around inning after inning. Those were the grim years for the cubs. i say this with all feeling respect for the venerable Tim Blackwell though.
It’s Biitner.
2 “i”‘s, one “t”.
Weird, I know.
I love calling people sixth-graders then resorting to random capitalization methods. Not to mention my posts are about as readable as your general sixth-grade fodder.
One has to question the quality of the fan as much as the quality of the team.Therefore I will put on my robe and wizards hat and take it upon myself to judge you all as a bunch of adolescent hooligans who do nothing more than make fart jokes and engage in daily acts of tomfoolery.I spent six hours refreshing this page to discuss the finer points of Jerome Williams,and I get this. *SIGH* eighty-five percent of the world is workin’,the other fifteen come here to make Hendry jokes.A playground indeed.
Did anyone else see a Brokeback Mountain ad in that link? Hopefully someday Jimmy will join me in San Fran and we can find happiness.
BTW, I vote for Tits Miggee….I miss your musk.
Todd Walker is the most under-rated player on the Cubs. He can hit and would be a great #2 hitter behind JP. He isn’t a great fielder, but he isn’t horrible. Even if we got Miggee, I can’t see how you would play Cedeno at 2nd when you have Walker.
Thanks for the props, but how does that answer the question that was asked?
“why does everyone make lineups without me in them? is it a forgone conclusion that i’m gone?”
I’m being overrun by NSBB people. Can we be like Montana with their bison and set a bag limit. I mean, “Jim Hendry ate a doughnut…sorry I couldn’t resist” is just absurd. You don’t get Desipio, now go away. Go back to Hoops and your “premium” membership. Here, we fucking rip on people, deal with it. Any joke, bad or good, has its place within the walls of the best damn site around.
First of all, Jim Hendry never fell down the stairs. He obviously got in a fistfight with Todd Walker. I don’t see why everyone complains about the Cubs leaving money on the table. Signing Furcal for $2 million a year less than Vladimir Guerrero would be a horrible, horrible idea from a business and baseball standpoint. I would rather sit on the money until the All-Star break and wait for a gamebreaker. The White Sox won because they were efficient. The Angels won because they were efficient. The Red Sox won because… you get the point.
Any chance you guys can organize your comments more better? Plus I don’t like the airplane/runway jokes and I saw one guy drop the “f bomb”.
Let’s schedule a meeting to discuss how to run a more friendly site.
Half the comments for this Dose sound like they were written by one of me.
Lighten up, Francis.
Perhaps you should go back to NSBB until you learn to put together “more better”sentences.Or at least spend the money you’re using for premium nsbb for some english lessons.
Shit. Did I miss a fart joke?
Dang it! I wish I was 6 again.
As I stated yesterday, the wit displayed on this page is just top notch. Funny, funny stuff…
It’s Larry Biittner, people. B-i-i-t-t-n-e-r. Two Is, two Ts. Click the link in #40 to verify.
That’s a lot of crossing of Ts and dotting of Is, I know. Just be grateful you’re not the poor son of a bitch who has to sign his personal checks.
Honesty compels me to say that this “Larry Bittner?” is a real loser folks. Makes me look cool, and that is not easy. Maybe he would be more suited to NSBB. I know my imaginary family is, it’s G-rated. What’s that? Sorry, my lovely wife is calling me. Go Bravos!
Lawrence Craig Bittner , born 4/12/72 evanston memorial hospital… no relation to the cub of that name…ironic?
“Improbably coincidental.”
And that’s one less I to dot. It adds up over a lifetime. Lucky man.
Nice resume, Larry. You might add “Roving Website Instructor.”
Now do people see that we suck?
Nope
#64 is certainly me. Thanks for the laugh.
I don’t suck… did you see my game yesterday? I told people I was going to have the game of my life and I did. Sure I didn’t throw a touchdown but I didn’t throw an INT either, plus I passed for over 200 yards. I ROCK!!! Do you really want Grossman over me?
Kyle,
While Chicago likes to root for any guy who drinks me straigh tfrom the bottle, completing only 9 of your first 20 passes, and then finishing with 17 for 35 on the day, is just, how should we put this…Rusty Lisch Bad.
So wait… I didn’t have a good game. Well I guess it’s time to crack open the bottle of JD. I show you all next week that I can pass for 220 with 1 TD…. HA!
I like that, Todd Walker- Not Horrible.
… or in the case of Scott Eyre, $11 million worth.
(Cf, #13 above)