Yesterday, Chicago’s mildly retarded and completely thin skinned mayor had another of his hysterical press conferences. In this one he was asked to respond to a (fairly witty) comment from Cubs VP of Sweater Vests Andy MacPhail. MacPhail said he hoped that the city had done enough inspections in recent weeks at Wrigley Field to determine that “we’re not printing a newspaper there.” Oooh, touche! That has to hurt to get “served” by a guy born with an ivy sprig up his hiney, eh, your honor?
Daley’s response was, as always, very mature and well reasoned. “They should get a team!” Daley is of course an avowed White Sox fan, and as such openly roots for the team best known for throwing the 1919 World Series and unleashing a new shirtless breed of attack fans on umpires and base coaches.
Daley also enjoys chiding the Chicago Tribune for hiding news about any of the properties that they own. Apparently, they’re doing a pretty good job of hiding, at least from the mayor, that the Cubs are in the driver’s seat for a second consecutive playoff appearance, and his White Sox can still see the Twins and Red Sox, if they close one eye and press the other one to a telescope.
Daley went on to say this…”If a piece of concrete fell on your head . . . and your child, what would you do? You’d be yelling at the city every day. You know that.”
So the mayor was then asked if he’d heard about (gasp!) pieces of concrete falling off of a highway bridge on the Dan Ryan that were described as “the size of basketballs.”
“No?” Daley gasped. “What are we going to do about that one?”
Put Kenny Williams on it. He’ll fix it right up.
—-
Chip Caray, Seabiscuit’s Jockey and Ups’ Syndrome sufferer Mike Kiley all are on the “the Cubs don’t win the one run games” bandwagon. Personally, I’m much more fond of the recent trend of scoring at least eight runs and not worrying about the damn one run games.
The Cubs unloaded with such fury on hapless Brewers’ starter Chris Capuano last night that after he gave up a three run jack to Moises Alou in the first and a grand slam to Derrek Lee in the second, Brewers’ manager brought the trainer out to the mound with him to take Capuano out of the game. Desipio has the exclusive transcript of that visit.
Ned Yost: Wow, Chris are you OK?
Chris Capuano: (muttering) Very far…very, very far…very high…very hard. Very far. Very, very far.
Brewers’ trainer guy:This, this is bad. I’ve seen this before. This used to happen to Steve Woodard.
Ned Yost: What is it?
Brewers’ trainer guy: It’s home run induced shell shock syndrome. There are two symptoms. The muttering…and…
Ned Yost: And what?
Brewers’ trainer guy: (Checks Capuano’s back side)…yup. He’s soiled himself. Twice.
Ned Yost: Ewwww. He’s sitting next to you on the bus back to the hotel.
See what you miss when you just watch the game on WGN?
Matt Clement was cruising along last night and the Cubs had staked him to a ten run lead in the fifth inning. Clement then became disoriented. He hadn’t seen ten runs in ten starts, much less one. So he gave four runs back in the fifth. But, these are the Brewers and that was the full extent of their comeback.
The only other anxious moment came when Oregon, Illinois native, and umpiring crew chief Larry Young proved he’s too dumb to know when to come in out of the rain…gain. Clement’s seen this before. Remember the Saturday night win in St. Louis in May? It was pouring that night, too, and Clement was pitching and Young was behind home plate. Maybe he likes water? Perhaps Larry was a duck in a previous night? Well, he managed to get E-ramis Ramirez hit in the arm when Matt Wise couldn’t grip the soggy baseball. But E-ramis survived. We think. He’s likely having an MRI today on his elbow his groin his feet, his teeth and that bald patch on the back of his head. These are the Cubs, remember?
The Marlins were thumping the Giants while the Cubs were escorting the Brewers back behind the wood shed, so the Cubs are back in the wild card lead by a game. Steve Stone is now officially freaking out about the Marlins. If the Cubs just keep winning, it won’t matter.
Chip loves the scrappy Brewers, you can just tell, and today he’ll be full of chatter about how tough they’ve played the Cubs. Right now the Cubs hold a scant 9-7 edge in the series. So that’s true. It’s also true that since the Cubs post-Sox series concussion (when they scored two runs in three games at Miller Park) the Cubs have won nine of the thirteen games between the two teams. So…shut up.
Oh, and Nomar was back in the lineup last night, so that’s yet another kidney stone that Cubs fans can feel free to pass. Or something.
—
Crazy Julian Tavarez got ten games for putting pine tar on baseballs, the commish’s office announced yesterday. Joe West booted Julian out of a game against Pittsburgh last week when he found pine tar all over the brim of Julian’s cap. You don’t exactly need a Mensa card to figure out that pine tar doesn’t just “happen” on a cap. It’s a well-known secret that both Crazy Julian and Steve Kline put the following things on baseballs before they throw them.
1) Pine tar
2) Worcestershire sauce
3) Snot
4) Boudreau’s Butt Paste
5) Tony LaRussa mullet trimmings
6) Lassie excrement
In fact, if you lit Kline’s hat on fire that thing would burn for days. So Crazy Julian got caught, then threw hit hat into the stands and put his arm around umpire Ron Kulpa and asked him to go out with him for a beer. I’m not making any of that up.
Julian pitched the next day with a new hat and was hilarious (in a Chip Caray sort of way) in that he kept making motions like he was rubbing stuff off the bill of his hat as he left the field.
Then, yesterday, word came down that the Cardinals would be without their pock faced relief ace for ten days. Julian appealed the suspension and managed to give up the winning run in a loss to the Reds last night.
And in typical fashion, The Genius was calm and rational about the whole thing.
The Genius was asked if Lloyd McClendon’s request for the umps to check Julian’s hat was just “gamesmanship.” He said, “”Gamesmanship is exactly what it was. They wanted to affect his concentration, and they ended up getting him ejected. So they accomplished more than they wanted. He’s already missed one game. I just think it’s time for us to say something; it’s time to kick and scream.”
Of course, it’s not like Lloyd managed Julian last year or anything. He wouldn’t know if Julian rubs crap all over his hat and then uses it to get a better grip on the ball. Oh, wait, he did manage him last year.
Julian was very convincing, too. “I swear on the head of my two children I didn’t put anything on the ball,” Tavarez said. “Anybody who watches me pitch knows I go to my head and then my cap before I pitch. It’s water, perspiration, whatever.”
That’s right, it’s not like if you smeared some pine tar under your hat that having some wet fingers wouldn’t help you rub some of it off, would it? And I’ve seen Julian’s kids, and he shouldn’t be swearing on their heads, he should be swearing at their heads.
Tony’s still mad about getting suspended in July for an altercation with McClendon after the Cardinals pitchers kept plunking Pirates hitters. Of course, The Genius is completely innocent, like always.
“What about McClendon? He comes across the field to our dugout, and he gets the same thing as I do. We get maxed out and don’t say anything. I think it’s time to,” La Russa added. “I’m not talking about us. I’m talking about ownership. We don’t carry any weight. I’m talking about our bosses calling the commissioner and saying this is ridiculous.”
The amazing thing is the amount of maturity the Cardinals showed in not bringing the Cubs into this whole thing. Now why would they, you ask? Well, because they seem completely preoccupied with the Cubs, so much so that should the Cardinals “dream season” somehow be stopped by that annoying bunch of underachievers in Chicago, well, their will be mass suicides in Missouri. But at least they didn’t go “there” yesterday.
Oh, wait. Forgot about pitching coach Dave Duncan.
“You look at Kerry Wood getting suspended for five days for throwing at a batter. In essence, it doesn’t cost him a start. It costs him one day,” Duncan said. “For me, it’s something that doesn’t balance out. It’s something they need to take a look at.”
Amazing. Predictable, but still amazing.
—-
The Cubs won for the tenth time this year on Monday when they didn’t homer. They made up for that dearth last night.
Jim Hendry doesn’t expect to hear from the commish about Kerry Wood’s boot on Sunday. You can bet Duncan and The Genius will be calling about it, though.
Nomar would have played Monday except Dusty says that Ben Sheets is ‘fast.’
Rick Morrisey is really Chuck, isn’t he? That explains a lot.
David Huh’s daily Walleye Ogunleye update does not include the words “prince” or “royalty.” Hey, who knew?
The last guy to start a Cubs World Series game died yesterday. He was 214 years old.
Ramon Martinez, supersub. Or something.
Mike Kiley is a…oh, just read this crap. “All the secrecy raises the question about whether it is the truth or the Cubs’ sanitized version of the truth. That is bound to create credibility issues if there isn’t full disclosure each time. Hiding an injury from another team is fine, but when a player is going for a medical exam, that injury should be disclosed to a public that is paying premium prices for tickets.” Huh? They’re supposed to divulge injury info because people have already bought tickets to the game? You buy tickets to go see a team, and if one of the players doesn’t play that day and you’re disappointed…well guess what? You’re screwed. Welcome to life.
The D-backs still might move the Big Unit. Trade him to the Mets. They still think they’re in it. Hee hee.
So long, Magglio. I don’t think I ever heard you actually speak out loud. You’ll be missed. If anybody remembers to miss you, that is.
$73 million for Erick Dampier? Looks like he just won “The Benefactor.”
The new cover for The Advocate is out.
“You kill my snake, I’ll beat you with it!”
Dave Matthews has another hit on his hands.
Sung to the tune of “Satellite”
Ex-cre-ment headlines read
Someone’s secrets you’ve seen
Eyes and ears have been
Ex-cre-ment, off a bridge, in my face
Spray me more, spray me more
Who’s the king of your Ex-cre-ment Castle?
America’s finest news source says that an on-line university has had to crack down on a rowdy on-line frat.
Um, I hate to bring this up to the always professional Dave Duncan, but I wasn’t suspended for throwing at a batter.
I was suspended for advising the home plate umpire where the strike zone should be for the benefit of the pitcher Dusty brought in to relieve me. I got tossed, so I went up to him and repeated my instructions more loudly. In the spirit of instructing the home plate umpire on the rules of the game, I wanted to give him a brief overview of some legal equipment, so I tossed a couple batting helmets out of the dugout.
Apparently this touched off the great Chicago Riots of April 2004, which caused concrete to fall from the upper deck and the 33rd St. overpass on the Dan Ryan Expressway and caused my bicep to be strained. Anyway, that’s why Watson suspended me for 5 games, which was also shorter than the suspension Sosa got for using a corked bat.
A. Ramirez .364
N. Garciaparra .363
D. Lee .362
T. Walker .359
M. Grudzielanek .350
M. Barrett .344
C. Patterson .344
…and bringing up the rear, the Cubs’ amazing $26.375 million Dominican Diva corner-outfield duo:
M. Alou .340
Swingin’ Sammy Sofa .337
Oh wait we forgot…
Zsa Zsa Bako .248
Didn’t Julian watch me in Major League? You gotta use some Crisco or Vagisil to get that extra 2 or 3 inches drop on your curveball.
When does Beege get strung out for his pine tar helmet?
Um Andy when are you going to post Karry reports for the last 2 days?
So Julian Tavarez had an illegal substance on his hat and got caught, but Lloyd McClendon is guilty of gamesmanship? Yet these are the same the Cardinals who go on and on about Sammy’s cheating. I’m surprised that Carlos Zambrano never came up in that Cardinals’ article. The St. Louis fans seem absolutely obsessed with getting some sort of revenge on him.
Actually, Kiley called Jay Doughnut and asked him where to get an idea for a column. That’s why he sounds so much like me.
And so right for once. Even you didn’t bash the column, Andy, because you couldn’t.
I’ve been dispatched by the Sox to clean up the mess on the Dan Ryan. We’re planning on grinding the Alomar brothers into a fine paste, and using it to re-affix the fallen concrete.
A question on the Randy Johnson article. As I understand it, if you put a guy on waivers and he’s claimed by another team, the "waiving" team can just let him go receiving no compensation. That gets around a no-trade clause.
But let’s say Unit gets claimed and the D-Backs want compensation. Can Arizona work out a trade then and still avoid the no trade clause? I don’t think so.
Any ideas?
Am I making any sense?
Bueller?
Chuck, I think the assumption that the article is making is that Johnson is so fed up with being on the worst team in baseball that he would be willing to go virtually anywhere at this point. I believe Arizona was mathematically elimnated from winning the West Division yesterday.
Did I say Kiley? I meant Morrissey. Same difference.
Are we having a CubsLive! today?
Hey Andy, when are going to start referring to us as the "New Daily Double"?
Actually Andy, we don’t want Johnson traded to the Mets.
We still play three games against them.
At Shea Stadium.
In late September.
I’m getting convlusions just thinking about it. And I wasn’t even alive when you know what happened.
What purpose does Sammy Sosa serve on the 2004 Cubs?
Discuss amongst yourselves…
B.C. Chill. Even if the Mets get him, that would be one game at most.
If the Cubs can’t pull away and win the Wild Card by more than 1 game, then Randy Unit is the least of their problems.
I understand that Chuck.
However, we know the history there. Plus, I don’t want to listen on radio and hear Santo muttering insanely.
Let’s hope we can have a big lead heading into New York and we just beat them 2-3.
I sort of had the thought in #14 when I saw the picture in the Sun-Times today: Lee and Alou high-fiving, Sammy getting the bat out of the way for those guys on the team who get to touch the plate.
Then I had a new thought when I saw today’s Brewer lineup. Godawful.
Bill Hall 6th doesn’t look as silly when Brady Clark is the clean-up man.
And whoever put Magruder back in LF must have left during the rain delay last night and missed his throw home on Alou’s Sac Fly later.
Scott Podsednik, CF
Trent Durrington, 3B
Craig Counsell, SS
Brady Clark, RF
Chris Magruder, LF
Bill Hall, 2B
Russell Branyan, 1B
Chad Moeller, C
Doug Davis, P
Do you guys have any money we can borrow? We want to get Rey Ordonez to hit 5th in our lineup, but we don’t have the cash. Our payroll at 27mil is just slightly higher than Darren Dreifort and Chan Ho Park’s salaries. Any donation will help. Thanks.
That looks like a heck of a scrappy lineup to me. Misters Maddux and Bako better be on the same page today or it could be a long afternoon.
What can I do, buddy? Back when I was heeting hon-rons and din get no help, I say I can’ do it by myself. Now, we got guys who hit and throw and all of a su’nen, I’m not so important?
You watch. I heet like 15 hon-rons rest of the way and we get into the playoffs, buddy.
I jus wanna ring, buddy.
I used to play wit guys like Lance Johnson and Andrew Lorraine. Dis is a lot better, don you tink, buddy?
After Brewers posted that lineup, it’s got to be like Maddux -400 or something, right?
Hey, these guys are scrappy and hard nosed and…oh, forget it, this team sucks. I’m going to do a friggin’ rain dance…until October 3.
Since Andy has seen many of the Brewers top prospects play nearly 100 times, I’m sure he can give some sort of scouting report on the following former Beloit Snappers:
Prince Fielder
Rickie Weeks
Tony Gwynn, Jr.
Manny Parra
Tim Bauscher
Dennis Sarfate
Tom Wilhelmsen
It’s true I saw Fielder play 74 times last year. I saw Weeks play about 20 times and Gwynn probably 40. I saw the pitchers enough times, too.
So what the hell?
Fielder can rake, and he’s kind of fast for a fat kid, but he’s not a good first baseman. Bad hands, he ALWAYS makes the pitcher cover. If he catches the ball more than two steps from the bag, he’s making the pitcher come over for a toss. But at the plate, he’s a stud. Good power to all fields, doesn’t strike out a lot. Lyle Overbay will be looking for a new team sometime next year.
Weeks gets hit a lot. I’m serious he got hit like eight times in the first 15 games with the Snappers. He was too advanced for class A last year but they sent him there after he signed so he could help Beloit get into the playoffs (there was a tipoff when he went from Beloit straight to Milwaukee). It has to be tempting for them to just call him up and put him at second right now. He’s already a lot better than Bill Hall will ever be. The thing we noticed about Rickie last year is that for a guy who stole a ton of bases at Southern he’s not that fast. But he’s really quick, and could probably play shortstop if he had to. He’s really good.
Tony Gwynn, Jr. has no power what so ever. None. He’s all singles and bunt singles. He’s really good defensively, but I doubt he’ll ever be more than a fifth OF’er in the bigs. Not that that’s a bad thing. He’s more like a skinny version of his uncle Chris than a skinny version of his dad.
Manny Parra had a good year last year then had shoulder problems and hasn’t pitched much this year. He and Justin Jones (now of the Twins thanks to Nomar) were the two best lefties in the Midwest League. Manny throws pretty hard and if healthy he’ll be a starter in the big leagues.
Tim Bauscher became the closer last year in Beloit and he throws really hard, his fastball’s straight as a frakin’ string though. Just like Travis Phelps.
Dennis Sarfate used to come up and hide in the press box when it was cold. He’s the one who told us all the stories about what a cow Mark Prior’s wife is. He struck out a lot of guys and walked too many last year. I’ll bet he makes the bigs in the bullpen though.
Tom Wilhelmsen got off to a good start last year in Beloit then hurt his arm and missed the rest of the year. You see a trend here. Every big league team has to stock up on arms because the law of averages says you’ll lose a mess of them along the way.
I’ve only seen one Snappers game this year, but their catcher Lou Palmisano is having a good year and they have some utility guy with 112 RBI. Nutty.
Palmisano made news in Peoria when he and three teammates were at a bar down there after curfew and one of the other guys got stabbed. I’ll be Julian Tavarez did it.
I think the Brewers are cursed to a life of fifth and sixth place finishes no matter how good the farm system is because if they really are going to keep the payroll at or under $30 million, just about the time the good guys start to play well in the big leagues they’ll be ready to leave Milwaukee.
But it’s Wisconsin…so screw ’em.
B.C.
If you don’t want to hear Ron muttering insanely, you have to keep the radio off during games.
Buh-LEEVE me!
No, we have not seen Karry Ling this week.
We have not seen him in the spa with the members of the US Women’s All-Around team and a bunch of frozen grapes.
Nor have we have not seen him in the mess-hall of the US Softball team with a plate of pork ribs.
No, we definitely have not seen him doing any of these things…
Hey Andy,
You forgot about Disco Demolition night.
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