Bet you didn’t think I could use butt and foot in the same headline. Well, you’d be wrong. Hey, I didn’t say it was a good one…
Because we’re Cubs fans, we don’t think of things like this. But take a step back away from our well-earned skepticism and put yourself in the shoes of the Astros and Cardinals last night.
You walk into the clubhouse, still drooling the drool of regret over another lost game and you turn on WGN which (gasp!) is actually showing a Cubs game. There on the tube is The Franchise himself, Mark Prior, making his first appearance in 25 days and retiring the first 12 Padres.
Muahahahahahahahahaha!
That knocking you hear at your back door? Yeah, that’s not Kobe. It’s the Cubs.
With the win, the Cubs cozied up a half game behind The Genius’ underachieving Cardinals. They’re only two and a half behind perpetually confused Jimy Williams and the Astros.
The thing that really ought to scare us is this. I think the Cubs are actually better than Houston or St. Louis.
This is scary because a) I’m a dope and b) it means there’s much more at stake here than a feel-good romp through August and September. Not only can the Cubs win this thing…they probably should win it.
If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go dunk my head in a bucket of ice water.
—
I’m pretty proud of my precient man love for Carlos Zambrano. Big Z has proven he’s a top notch, big time pitcher and at 22 you have to be positively giddy about what he’s going to become. Plus, given the histrionics of guys like Albert Pujols and Barry Bonds and yes, even our pal Sammy Sosa, what is the big deal with a pitcher who gets you out in a big spot and does a little dance? So, Carlos is set. We’re not abandoning him now that he’s made it. But we’re going to pick a new guy to throw our blind Cubby love at for a while.
Oh, E-ramis! Do you have a minute?
Sure he’s a little clanky with the glove. In fact, if your kitten is up a tree and E-ramis and Dez White stop by and offer to help, just start digging a little hole in the back yard for the kitty. It’s not going to be pretty. They mean well, but it’s not going to end well.
No, really, I’m fine. Thanks guys. I like it up here in the tree. I’m going to wait and see if Marty Booker stops by. Thanks.
But here’s the thing about E-ramis…the talent just oozes out of the guy. That stroke is a thing of beauty. In fact, the way he covers the plate reminds you of another Ramirez…the strange base-hit machine in Boston. Unlike most of the other Cubs, you actually have to fool E-ramis to get him out. This is a novel concept.
And he made a great play in the seventh inning with two outs. Shot up the line, he grabs it and dives for the bag and beats Ryan Klesko to end the inning. I nearly passed out when I saw it, because it looked to me like he reached in the glove, grabbed the ball, then dove for the bag and touched the bag with his glove. But he didn’t, he had the ball in his glove, and besides, since it was a force play, Klesko would have been out anyway. It’s not like when you “step” on the bag that you have to have the ball on your foot, now is it?
E-ramis of course hit the big two-run homer in the top of the ninth to give the Cubs a cushion that the faulty gloves of he and Hee Seop Choi would make necessary.
But the good overshadows the bad with this guy. In the last five days he’s made four huge plays that no other third base option would have made this year. He scored from first on O’Leary’s double on Friday in the 11th inning then came through with the clutch hit in the 14th to win it. The big play in the seventh last night and the homer in the ninth.
It has to be tough to join a new team in the heat of a pennant race. You’ve got to come through a couple times to feel like you belong. Kevin Tapani used to tell the story about playing for the Dodgers in 1995 when he came over from the Twins. He made 11 starts for them and when they clinched a playoff spot he said he still didn’t feel like a real part of the team. While the rest of the team dumped champagne on each other in the locker room, he and a couple of the other “new” guys sat in the trainer’s room and had a beer.
Let’s hope E-ramis is in on the bubbly this year.
—
It was all-systems go for Mark Prior, and now he’s slated to start against the Dodgers on Sunday. You know what that means? Bad news for the Dodgers.
Big Z says of Barry Bonds, “I spit on him. He is a wee little man and he can not handle the power of me! I shall smite him when next I see him.” Or something like that. I really like Carlos. Have I mentioned that?
The Sox are only two games out of the division lead. How cute. And, they had 47,000 people at the Trailer Park last night. Or was it Mullet Fest?
Whatever happened to just doing what the manager says?
Aaron Gibson’s knee is swelling. How in the hell could you notice?
Warrick Holdman wants to tackle more guys than Brian Urlacher. Fine by me.
Greg Couch gives Kobe the treatment he deserves.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to slap Mark Cuban on the wrist. Here’s the thing, other than not being able to pronounce the word ‘notoriety’, Cuban’s right. Kobe’s getting more attention for this than anything else he’s ever done. If he goes to the pokey (ironic) it’s all bad, but if he gets off? Who knows? Cuban’s point is that the NBA will get a lot of free attention for this. He’s right. He didn’t say it would be all positive attention.
A guy who really ought to know such things assures me that by Saturday the Cubs could very well have both Eric Young and Rafael Palmeiro on their roster. He also assures me that Adam Duritz is the Anti-Christ, but we all know that’s Joe Morgan.
Terry Porter is the new head Buck. Five will get you ten that Dick Bennett ends up on his coaching staff.
The scouting report on Maxim Fauviau is that he’s got a nice forehand, a weak backhand and that his oppoents tend to fall asleep in the second set.
Jim Hendry might want to hide the sharp objects when he reads Jayson Stark’s stuff on Rod Beck and Bill Mueller.
They’re just dying to get into Sox games, aren’t they?
I don’t care. Tom Glavine will always be overrated and a complete ass.
Tom Sizemore is a wacko anyway, but anybody who got engaged to Heidi Fleiss is out to prove it.
“I’m gonna make you work out until you puke!”
“I don’t wanna puke.”
“Well then, I’ll make you drink the puke!”
Another nominee for father of the year.
“Lick the fireplace lighter!”“I don’t wanna lick the fireplace lighter.”
“Well then, I’ll make you drink your puke!”
Please…stop reproducing.
It’s hot in London. Big whup. It’s called summer.
Come test drive the new Toyota Lemming!
J Lo, who never even liked Ben Affleck in the first place, has apparently dumped him for going to a Canadian strip club. Unless he got “Mountied”, this just proves she’s a psycho.
At least Ben admitted that Gigli was a pile of “crap.”
“I’ll have the goulash.”
“You want penis on that?”
“Uh…no.”
America’s finest news source with an exclusive interview with a very disappointed Kobe Bryant fantasy team owner.
Some observations from somone who doesn’t see the Cubs that often.
– Mark Prior is a stud. He’s breaking stuff is absurd and should be banned immediatly.
-If The Village People ever add a baseball player, it would have to be Kyle Farnsworth. The Necklaces and obscenely tight pants would go over big.
-Hee Sop Choi is big. Have you ever seen a middle sized guy from China? They’re either giants or tiny. Anyhow, I’m sure the Hee man usually fields better, but that was a helluva bunt he dropped.
-Separated at birth: E-ramis and Rickie,the guy from My so called life.
No other Cub has ever had a bad day fielding in that stadium.
Have they, Leon?
Of course, there would have been no Leon Durham error, no subsequent drug addiction and hence, either no Mark Grace or one hell of a better player than Pat Perry for Durham had I started Sutcliffe in Game 4 like any intelligent guy would have done.
Of course, if I had not hung that curveball to Garvey, my buddy Leon would have been in Chicago preparing for the Tigers that fateful day.
I had something to do with it, too.
Hmm, I wonder if I can do one of them Gatorade commercials on the ’84 Cubs?
Anybody see me on Beg, Borrow, and Deal last night? I had a great scene talking to my old Duke buddy Charles outside our practice facility while sitting on my motorcycle. He told me he liked my bike and I told him "I’m not supposed to have it."
Eerie, huh?
Keith Jackson: Jack Murphy Stadium, October 1984. While the Chicago Bears legendary superstar Walter Payton was eclipsing the all-time rushing record, the Chicago Cubs were battling for their first National League pennant in 39 years. Leon "Bull" Durham knew he needed that little edge.
Leon: It was hot, and I was dragging, so I had some of that Gatorade. I felt so good that I knew my glove could use some too, so I knocked the jug over onto it.
Keith: Unfortunately for the Bull, his new glove lube worked too well. A routine grounder eluded the leather contraption and a Padres rally began in earnest.
Tony Gwynn: Leon’s glove so well hydrated that I knew that there was no way it could hold my ball. So I smacked one right at him.
Keith: And so the Cubs quest for a pennant continues, nearly 19 years later. This time, they’re using the Gatorade the way it was intended.
Sammy Sosa: I like to pee, so I drink lots of it.
Damn you Desipio readers, haven’t you learned now to use the word "allegedly" all the time?
Wait, it’s my cell phone. Just a second.
"Hey, Mr. Paxson! How are you doing? You saw what show? Jay said what? No, I’m sure he didn’t say that. What I think he said was, ‘Oh, this isn’t my bike. Although sometimes members of the New York Knicks will drive by and force me to sit on it while they forcibly push me around town at dangerous speeds. But I would never ride such a bike, it’s a violation of my contract."
Primey for 2:07PM CST
Wait, wrong site.
Hey Jackson, you stupid inbrd hillbilly, it was ME who hit the ball to Bull Durham, not Tony Gwynn. Gwynn hit the ball toward Sandberg on the next at-bat, a ball which hit the lip of the grass and shot up.
Get your nose out from between your sister’s legs once in a while and you might get it right
Sammy doesn’t like to pee that much.
Marty Booker never showed. Please throw some dirt on me. :(
I’ve got something that’ll get that kitten right up.
So they found some whacked guy near the Cell — morning, noon and night, there’s always some bones being buried deep near Wrigley. Boy-on-boy bonin’, especially.
Best…Discussion…Ever.
Ooooh, let me tell you about Tim Flannery!
I once walked into a rest stop men’s room only to see him being fingercuffed by Carmelo Martinez and Bruce Bochy.
Actually, the truth is I was momentarily possessed by the guy I replaced, Bill Buckner. Billy was still bitter about being traded, and he wanted revenge on Dallas Green. I guess Bill forgot that payback’s a bitch.
If Greg and his Couch are going to ridicule one of the most qualified sportsmen in the country for his much-documented position in the body of teenage America, then bugger me but I’m up in arms about the whole incident.
Greg’s Couch seems to suggest that Kobe’s fashion sense is as abhorrent as his, alleged, actions.
I have long been on the receiving end of Kobe’s receiving end, and let me tell you that he has much more of a right to this accolade than any tubby coach potato and his deflated sofa.
If you’re doing philosophy at all, if you’re engaged in the way that ideas work, then it’s a male peculiarity to wish to go right up in the air and go round in circles without relating them to anything else. by texas holdem