…what’s the question?

Well, the question could be:

a) Name the player immortalized in John Rocker’s fateful Sports Illustrated feature as, “the fat monkey.”
b) Name the player who was arrested for attacking a giant Italian Sausage during a Pirates-Brewers game.
c) Name the player who just punched Hee Seop Choi’s bus ticket to Des Moines.
d) Who was the guy Jim Hendry cavalierly traded for, even though he broke Jim Tocco’s golden rule and didn’t see him play 100 times?

My problem isn’t with the trade for Simon. What did the Cubs give up? A double A outfielder named Ray Sadler? The only thing we know about him is that he’s not as good as Donnie Sadler. Woof.

My problem is that Choi gets sent to Iowa so the Cubs can activate Tom Goodwin. Can a team really employ Tom Goodwin, Doug Glanville and Kenny Lofton? Really? Isn’t that like feeling the need to add a Kia to your collection of a Hyundai and a Dodge Neon? One will get you to work on time and not use much gas, but having three just clutters the driveway with cheap, crappy cars.

Predictibly, Simon’s acquisition sent the guys over at Baseball Primer into a tizzy. Their sabermetic brains can’t wrap around the idea of picking up a guy who refuses to take a pitch.

But really, all you need to know is that since he cracked his head on the third base line, Hee Seop Choi is hitting .177. The need for a lefty platoon mate for Eric Karros was pretty evident. Simon doesn’t have an albatross of a contract and won’t impede Hee Seop’s progress towards becoming the every day first baseman in the long term. But when you’re half a game out of first in the most winnable of all divisions, you make a move to try and help yourself for the next two months.

Most troubling though, is that Jim Hendry keeps picking up players from the Pirates. He now has a third of their lineup in his lineup. That’s enough. Make it stop.

Steve Stone has been saying strange things lately, and he was full of them on Sunday. First he said that “we’ll be surprised with Randall Simon’s defense.” We’re surprised alright. It’s worse than we feared.

Then, he said that he can think of two games that Augie Ojeda won with his glove. Unless those games involve a carnival barker and huge stuffed animals as the prize, I think Steve is Stoned.

What is the fascination with Augie? He’s a complete non-entity at the plate. His main contribution this year was leaning into a knuckleball in a win over Houston. In the field he’s an above average fielder, but so are Alex Gonzalez and Ramon Martinez. In other words, Augie’s not really all that useful.

The Bears said farewell to Champaign with a come-from-ahead loss to the Broncos. Hollerin’ Kevin Harlan was back in the booth with Coach Ditka and my eardrums took a beating.

What is the Bears’ obsession with Harlan? They had to fire his brother from his PR job for betting on the games, so what loyalty do they still have to this wonk?

Ditka was at his best ripping on Jay Mariotti for using some of Ditka’s quotes about Brian Urlacher to make it look like Ditka didn’t think Urlacher was that good. He didn’t name Mariotti directly, so Harlan said, “Which writer said that?” Ditka said, “The only guy in town who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” I love Coach Ditka.

Lance Briggs stood out a little, didn’t he? Yikes. Was there a tackle he didn’t make? Ditka correctly surmised that if Brian Knight doesn’t feel better, soon, he’s going to find a nice comfy spot on the bench.

Both 44’s had big nights. Offensive 44, Brock Forsey demonstrated the proper way to return kickoffs and the other guy, defensive 44 Cameron Worrell laid the wood on more than a few guys. You know I’m not big on white running or defensive backs, but these two guys look like keepers…so far.

How can you not like Rex Grossman? Is there any throw he can’t make? (OK, he underthrew the bomb that might have sealed the game, so that’s one.) But seriously, it’s so nice to see a quarterback that knows how to lead his receivers, what shoulder to throw to, and who knows how to buy some time to make a throw. He’s what, 21? He’s already awfully good. Be afraid, Kordell. Be very afraid.

I’m troubled by the Bears new mascot, Staley. He looks too much like one of the Disney County Bears. You just know that Michael Eisner is on the phone right now trying to figure out just how much he can sue the Bears for. Plus, he’s not a fierce looking bear and he’s not a cartoon bear. If anything he kind of looks like a slightly furrier Aaron Gibson.

This, from the same marketing department shrewd enough to add the cool Ed McCaskey shamrocks to the helmets. Well, I guess they all can’t be winners.

Speaking of Staley…the Eagles have had it with holdout running back Duce Staley and the Bears are one of the few NFL teams with enough cap space to trade for him. Here’s the problem. Duce isn’t really all that good. So you can pretty much guarantee that the Bears will trade for him.

He’s a nice player, and he’s better than A-Train (but right now, so is Brian Piccolo) but not that much better.

Finally (mock applause fills the Internet), how about that seventh-inning stretch by Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne yesterday? It might have been the best ever. Seriously, not only did Ozzy not know the words, but he managed to actually sing, “I don’t remember what I’m supposed to do” during the song. Priceless. The only thing that disappointed me was that he didn’t bite the head off of Chip and throw it into the crowd. Oh, well. Maybe next year.

As typical of the crapfest that is the NL Central, all three “leaders” lost yesterday. This sets up a mighty fine opportunity for the Cubs who play Houston and St. Louis in the next nine days.

Bad back and all, Kerry wants to start against the Astros this week.

There’s no truth to the rumor that Randall Simon requested the Cubs play The Ramones’ “Beat the brat with a baseball bat” when he comes up to bat.

See ya in September Hee Seop. There’s a pennant to be won.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to come down strongly against Dave Bliss. Let’s get this right, Jay is against cheating, lying and being a scumbag? Good to know.

Duce is wearing out his welcome in Philly. Maybe he come here and wear it out next.

Rick Morrissey on a blind guy who listens to the Cubs in the bathroom. Does that make him their “number two” fan?

Lance Briggs is good.

Kordell Stewart has passed for 68 yards this year. Whoop dee damn do.

Groucho is looking for signs of the Bulls to come at Jalen’s All-Star game. I’m not making this up.

The Seattle Mariners are interested in signing Todd Zelie. They need a backup to Jeff Cirillo who’s even suckier.

Amaury Telemacho! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!

Albert Pujols has the flu, and that’s always dangerous in people of his advanced age.

This just in: Ty Willingham can coach a little bit.

Sports Guy with some funny stuff.

The Falcons are so screwed it’s hilarious.

Rob Lowe’s going to be Arnold Schwarzeneggers’ “celebrity wrangler.” Kind of like he wrangled that 17 year old at the convention a few years back? Just make sure there’s film in the camera, Rob.

The University of Michigan has a course in “How to be gay.” I think it starts with that football helmet.

A Marine reservist bought fake boobs (along with other stuff) on her government credit card. Hubba.

The New York times on Britney. Good stuff. Plus, a bunch of half-naked photos of Britney.

Like this one.

America’s finest news source has Jim Anchower on fireworks safety.