Maybe we just had Gabor Paul Bako II wrong all along? Perhaps he’s one of those misunderstood great athletes who peaks at just the right time? Maybe it’s his destiny to carry the Cubs to playoffs every year that he’s on the roster?
Nah.
Last year Bako’s monthly batting averages went like this: April – .318 (Junior Griffey remembers that well), May – .172, June – .152, July – .185, August – .313, September – .244 (with six RBI).
This year Gabor has put this up: April – .100, May – .346 (did this actually happen?), June – .105, July – .133, August .214. But this August has been a “hard” .214 with a homer and one RBI. He’s three for his last eight after two hits last night, and he had one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen happen on a baseball field, happen to him last night.
Gabor was on third with Greg Maddux batting and each of us has known from little league that when you’re on third base you lead off in foul territory because if you get in fair territory you are out, if you get hit in foul territory you just get a bruise. Maddux hit a chopper right down the third base line. For once, Wendell Kim didn’t send a runner at third home with less than two outs to certain doom, and Gabor scampered back to the bag, the ball hit him as he was standing on the base. I’d never seen that. That’s the strange “third” category– fair (out), foul (bruise), on the bag (bruise and advance at your own risk.) Bako scored, Maddux had a two hit night and the education of Andy Dolan continues at its normal glacial pace.
Bako had a single and a double last night, and if you had just come out of a coma last Thursday you’d think he was actually a real, live, Major League Baseball player. To be fair to Gabor, I advise you to resume your coma before his next start.
Is it just me or have Chip and Steve completely run out of things to say? How many times did they talk about the potential of this weekend’s series with the Marlins being washed away by Hurricane Psycho?
Hurricane Psycho? Huh?
Back from Greece, Karry Ling has this report.
Hello again, everybody, it’s your old pal Karry Ling here back in the country and still shaking from Uzo withdrawal. I did have enough time to do this exclusive interview with Tropical Storm Frances on the phone yesterday.
Karry Ling: Joining me on the phone is Tropical Storm Frances, currently located about 200 miles off the Florida coast. Frances, do you expect to be upgraded to a hurricane any time in the near future?
Tropical Storm Frances: Nobody calls me Frances. My name is Psycho. You call me Frances, I’ll kill you. Nobody touches my stuff. You touch my stuff, I’ll kill you.
Karry Ling: Oh, lighten up, Frances.
Tropical Storm Frances: Psycho! And yes, if you must know, I was categorized as a level four hurricane by OCEA yesterday. By the time I get to the Atlantic coast of the United States I will likely be a level five. My cousin Hurricane Andrew was a level five and he did more damage than any other hurricane in the history of the world.
Karry Ling: I thought Hugo did.
Hurricane Psycho: Hugo killed more people. Andrew broke more stuff.
Karry Ling: The Cubs are going to be in Miami on Friday, do you think you could veer to the north a little bit? They need to get those games in with the Marlins.
Hurricane Psycho: You don’t like the people who live in coastal Georgia?
Karry Ling: Not really.
Hurricane Psycho: OK, fine.
So there you have it, the first in-depth interview with level four (and counting) Hurricane Psycho. Back to you, Andy.
—
Man, that’s a long way to go for a “Stripes” reference. Oh, well.
The Cubs rested E-ramis Ramirez last night and apparently the plan is to play Nomar in the first and third games of the Expos series and E-ramis in the second. Since the Expos now play on the spongy FieldTurf, there’s really no reason to baby E-ramis if the only reason he’s not playing is the turf. That stuff’s not like the old AstroTurf that was basically a thin layer of green “carpet” over cement. Field turf feels just like real grass when you run around on it.
Neifi Perez is going to get the call from AAA Iowa tomorrow when rosters expand and when the Iowa Cubs are finally done with the AAA playoffs Sergio Mitre and Jimmy Anderson are expected to get called up, too. There’s also the possibility that Denny Hocking (ooh, boy), Dave Kelton and Jason Dubois will come up, as well. Tingling yet?
How weird is it to watch a game played in Montreal? There’s nobody there. The Cubs have played to near capacity crowds in every road game all year and to overflow crowds at every home game and then you go to Montreal and not only is everything in French, but nobody shows up. It was disorienting. I kept thinking I was watching a Sox game.
If you went to last night’s game and didn’t come home with a foul ball…you weren’t trying.
Tonight the Cubs face the Expos only real pitcher, Livan Hernandez. Given that the Expos lineup is likely to be the same juggernaut they trotted out there last night, it should basically just mean that the game will last until the Cubs finally score.
Did Steve really say that the Expos have fifteen pitchers on their staff? Is that possible? I don’t think it is. Here’s why. Alex Gonzalez isn’t on the DL, and the last I checked you have to play eight guys, so Alex would be nine, backup catcher Einar Diaz would be ten, and knee-bruise sufferer-Brad Wilkerson would be eleven. That’d only leave you with 14 pitchers. Which, is still absurd. They deserve to be fanless, with that group.
On PTI yesterday they showed footage of Frank Robinson falling asleep in the dugout over the weekend during a game. That’s all I could think about when he came out to argue that Jungle Juan Rivera had touched home plate in the second inning last night. I imagined that the home plate umpire tried to settle him down by offering him a glass of warm milk. But that’s just me.
—
The Bears waived Tron LaFavor and Claude Harriott yesterday. I, like you, don’t know how they expect to win a game now without those two stud bolts. For Harriott he should have seen it coming when the equipment guy didn’t even bother to spell his name right on his uniform Friday night. For LaFavor, well, nobody took it harder than this guy.
Take another look at the first picture. How much do you think it’d cost to overnight that package? Does UPS charge by the ounce?
I’m blind now.
One word for you aspiring Tron costume makers: codpiece.
—
The fact that Dusty Baker has won 1,000 games in less than 12 seasons is astounding when you consider that according to one of our intrepid readers, he’s one of the dumbest humans on the planet. Takes one to know one, I guess.
The Cubs walk that fine line between love and hate.
Movin’ on, isn’t just a Rascal Flatts song. Don’t ask how I know that. I prefer, “She’s Gone, Move On” by Cary Pierce, myself.
Nathan Vasher knows everything there is to know about Roy Williams. His favorite routes, where he gets his hair cut, how he doesn’t “give a s@#$ about Carolina.” Wait, that last one was the wrong Roy.
Dez Clark doesn’t know what to make of Kellen Winslow. I think Kellen’s nuts. And yes, I’m going to call Desmond, Dez this year, because we already miss Dez White. Comedically, at least.
Mariotti’s back from Greece and he puts down the doughnut to hope his absence would improve the Cubs’ mood. It sure improved mine. I was hoping for some sort of deportation proceeding involving Jay. No such luck.
Neifi Perez! Wow! He’s almost as good as Augie Ojeda!
Honestly, if Chipper was going to name his first legitimate kid after a building, I would have thought he’d have named him Hooter Wayne Jones.
He left his first wife:
For this:
Wait, grabbing a woman’s breast in a bar is illegal? Good to know.
I’m a huge Springsteen fan, but if you’re dumb enough to let a singer tell you who to vote for…well, you really shouldn’t be voting.
My sister better hope the home videos of her when she was a kid with our kittens never get out. Or we’ll be visiting her in the pokey.
The Germans have bears who can ride bikes.
The world’s greatest newspaper has some very interesting facts. OK, they’re mildly interesting.
Why are you NOT turning down your television to avoid the ear-splitting verbal diahrrea come out of Chicago’s most famous assclown, Chip Caray?
Now that Ron Santo can STAY HOME and not do homework for a broadcast, Cubs fan can listen to, for the first time all year,
A) An accomplished and professional play-by-play man in Pat Hughes
AND
B) A solid former ballplaying, homework-doing color commentator (me),
ALL IN THE SAME BROADCAST. Sure, I’m not the world’s best analyst, but I HAVE gotten a lot better, and even if I was asleep, I’m better than Santo.
Do your ears a favor and tune in to WGN-AM for the next two games. It’ll be the only time all year you get a broadacst worthy of knowledgeable Cub fans.
Grabbing women’s breasts in bars is legal if you are obese, have one good eye and are a former baseball star.
Somebody should tell Chipper that when a Hooters girl sits down at your table and talks to you, she’s just looking for a good tip. Those bitches!
Is Hurricane Psycho covering Saturday’s game for Fox with Thom Brennaman?
I’m the white Glenallen Hill.
Then, Mr. Borchard, we’re coming to get you!
I met my wife at a restaurant, too!
![]("http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/young/images/y58-3b45534r.jpg"/)
http://www.yodersrestaurant.com/
Tough choice: Chip Caray or Rick Sutcliffe? I chose the latter for last night’s game on ESPN2. I’m guessing Sutcliffe was drunk again. On the play where Maddux’ hit bounced off Bako, Sutcliffe went on a diatribe ad nauseum about what a consummate ballplayer Paul Bako is. Maybe he’s lost all objectivity since taking off the uniform. Maybe he actually believes the crap he says. But really, how can one man drink so much as to believe that Bako is a consummate ballplayer?
What was the best about Jay’s column was the return of self centeredness. He’s the reason Wanny came here. He’s what the players should be mad about. HE’s the one who gave syphallis to the new cow at Lincoln Park’s Farm-in-the-Zoo.
That said, he was spot on. Just about 3 days behind the news.
Maybe he was drunker than Sut.
For those that missed it, last night during the Cubs game on Andy’s Dose for yesterday, I ripped on several Southern Indiana towns/cities, calling them "dumps". Hurrah!
I think.
Or something.
The Cubs played some decent baseball last night. Maddux was classic yet again. We scored the first run on a throwing error, although nobody will notice the fact that if it had been on target, Paulie was meat at third.
Go E-Ramis and the Cubs tonight!
Anyway, I may start a Cubs Live! thread for tonight’s game if I can figure out how to get that graphic onto something I can post.
Prior vs. Livan.
BC,
What are your thoughts on the U of I football team? I think they can go anywhere from 2-9 to 6-5 with a trip to Ford Field for the Motor City Bowl.
Yes, I’m mildly interested in the ol’ alma mater, hoping they beat at least ONE 1-A opponent this year.
We wouldn’t touch that milquetoast Chip Caray even with our work gloves on:
Sloth, don’t bet on it.
How’d those Amish get a PC to post that? We have electricity. They don’t.
Watching ESPN right now.
There’s a World Cup of Hockey? I mean, seriously, come on…
Who’s having more fun? Me, sitting here reading financial statements vs. BC watching ESPN hockey.
Landslide for me.
To answer the Illini question:
There is some optimism, but I personally don’t see a ton to be excited about.
The pass defense was bad last year, and it may be worse this year. The run defense faltered down the stretch last season. I think it will be a tad better, but not a ton.
Offensively, there is definitely more positive there. The O-line has some highly thought-of players, both the people currently projected as starters and those being groomed for the line. E.B. Halsey could be a real force this season. And Jon Beutjer at QB is, supposedly, healthy. His arm is a cannon, it just depends if he gets protection and has receivers that can get past coverage.
My projection: 4 wins.
And the sad thing is, that may be just enough to not fire Turner. Which says something about the state of Illini Football.
Any idea why your Greek yak has what appears to be a Hispanic name? Also, do you think Pepe would be tasty covered in onions and cucumber sauce and wrapped in pita?
I’m tired. Please stop using me, B.C.
Who’s having more fun? Chuck, sitting there reading financial statements vs. me, sitting here reading financial statements.
There are no winners!
I know the defense is bad, but I think the offense might win a few shootouts. The non-conference teams aren’t tough (FAMU, UCLA who lost their last 6 games in 2003, Western Michigan – MAC teams like to beat Big Ten teams, though). Maybe sneak three conference wins and sneak into a bowl. I don’t ask for much from Illini football, just be competitive and go to a crappy bowl.
:::I don’t ask for much from Illini football, just be competitive and go to a crappy bowl.:::
That’s a lot to ask from Illini Football.
19, Pepe’s original name was "Lost in Translation".
All right, that was a really bad movie reference. Am I turning into Chip Caray? Oh, dear God, please no!!!
20, all right, I’ll try.
I try not to overuse stuff. My vocabulary turnover is very good.
Or something.
D***, I did it again!
BC:
It’s, "Oops, I did it again."
Turner does pretty good when people are ready to write him off. Nothing was expected in 1999 and they went 8-4 and thrashed Thomas Jones and Virginia in the MicronPC.com Bowl. They were picked in the back of the pack in 2001 and they went 10-2. They could catch people sleeping.
Of course, they could also go 0-11.
It’s when people have decent expectations for the team that they suck and blow. In 2000, they followed up the 8-4 year by going 5-6, with the only bowling they did being at Old Orchard Lanes in Savoy. I don’t think I need to go over the crap that was the 2002 and 2003 campaigns.
CP,
Illinois starts out with four straight at home. The key game in there might be the UCLA game. Illinois barely lost to them on the road last year, and UCLA had many people leave/graduate. If the Illini can be 2-0 after that game, then I would think a bowl would be possible.
BC, you are correct, sir.
That UCLA game is pretty big. Hopefully, the Illini can take advantage of two things:
1. the game is at 9AM Pacific time
and
2. Karl Dorrell sucks as a head coach
Ms. Spears:
It’s only one T in your first name.
(Rim shot.)
I have another T now.
Implants.
"1. the game is at 9AM Pacific time"
Heck, it’s at 11AM Central time, and a lot of the students here in Champaign won’t be up for it.
And that would be if the game were on a Wednesday.
Spending an hour and a half on Desipio:
This is what happens when a college student forgets to bring his XBOX to campus for the first two weeks of class.
This is what happens when you have turned from one of hottest, most attractive female music stars ever to being a 20-some year-old has-been who is marrying a backup dancer after having that night of annuled bliss in Vegas with a childhood friend.
This is what happens when you have nothing to do except look at boring financial statements.
Thanks for the optimism!
Well, the financials are for a company that provides mobile high-def TV production of sporting events. So the end game is pretty cool.
As is the bonus attached if I fund the deal. Not exactly Sammy Sosa sized, but it’ll pay for a few things.
New baby needs a pair of shoes.
BC, if you left your X-Box at home, just go out to Brother’s and find a new one.
What’s that? Oh, the X-Box is a video game system. Nevermind.
At least you all HAVE financial statements to look at! Lucky dogs…
B.C.–It’s not your overuse of me that is as egregious as the fact that you stole it from the humble web host, Mr. Dolan.
Git yer own material.
What-EV-er!
Brother’s… Probably can find some "things" there, just not video games.
BC, isn’t Turner considering dismissing 2 of our projected starting offensive linemen for their participation in a brawl at Joe’s Brewery?
Oh, and ESPN 1000 is reporting that the Cubs have just aquired Mike Defilice for cash and a PTBNL.
Who’s having more fun, Chuck and CP reviewing financial statements, or me at home with the flu? I’m betting it’s me.
I’m the over-under on when the majority of this board flips out over a Mark Prior-issued walk and declares him washed up and useless.
B.C.
Remember, not all Southern Indiana towns are dumps. The dumps are mostly from Indy on down until you get to Jasper. Bloomington isn’t too bad if you’re an IU fan. Which, I myself am not. Not with that pathetic football team and the basketball team coached by Mike Davis.
Ryan Matha and Matt Sinclair were the two involved in the throwdown at Joe’s. They will play on Saturday against FAMU. They head back to court in October and their fate will be determined depending on what happens then.
Will pussy boy Beutjer get hurt before the Iowa game again? I sure hope not.
37, I wasn’t aware that was Andy used that a lot here.
I do know I occasionally use the term in my everyday life, so should I quit using it then too?
CP answered the bar fight question perfectly, although Sinclair and Matha aren’t on the OL.
If there’s any punishment from Turner coming in the future, it will probably be after their court date in October.
Sorry, thought they were OL. Anyway, I’m more worried about the reports that Dee Brown may miss the entire basketball season with that stress fracture in his leg.
Hey Jim Hendry, the White Sox released me today! How about it?
B.C.–Check 8/25 and 8/23. I’m used in both by Mr. Dolan.
I’ll lay off you, but it’s obvious to me your usage of me was lifted from Mr. Dolan. He has been using me tirelessly in his columns for the last six months at least.
Is this a message board for crappy, laze-about teams that never seem to get anywhere and spin their wheels season after season?
I guess I am just having trouble deciding if this is an Illini board, Bears board, or Cubs board…?
Columbus isn’t a bad town between Indy and Jasper.
Nashville (IN) does OK for itself. Greencastle is OK, I guess. Bloomington isn’t bad, especially for an IU fan.
Hoosier National Forest is beautiful.
But I’ll go with Baker Basher on that premise, although I don’t know Southern Indiana (with the exception of Bloomington) nearly as well as Northern Indiana.
Martinsville is to dumps as Chernobyl is to power plants. Mooresville is a cornfield converted into a suburb, as is Greenwood. There’s not much to Franklin.
Terre Haute is a good site for a prison (and there are two: the federal pen where McVeigh was fried and Indiana State University).
Bloomfield is a good town to roll through quickly.
Well, the Bears are the wheel spinners that never get anywhere. The Cubs just started wheel spinning with the D Lee trade, and they got somewhere last year.
Illinois? The post-Hart Lee Dykes days would be an improvement.
Yes, I do miss the halycon days of the Lou Tepper era.
Yo Jeem Hendry, Chico still alive! Chico can rake muy bien! Cheecago is a fung town, sign me for el pennant grande!!
That’s funny. I thought Chico Walker was from Chicago (born in Mississippi but a prep star at Simeon).
Maybe he lives in Venezuela now, at Ozzie Guillen’s Neverland Ranch.
Chico is a grinder. I love grinders. With green peppers.
![]("http://www.chicagopizzaandovengrinder.com/images/foodplus/oven_grinder.jpg"/)
T.J., do NOT get me started on Terre Haute. It’s bad enough I had to live about 30 miles away from there for almost all of my life…
—-
CT, those reports worry me too. There seems to be some confusion as to why those injuries keep cropping up. Let’s hope it isn’t an issue.
Dee Brown has a stress fracture? Isn’t that when you pound and pound and pound and pound on a little bone until it wears out?
Maybe Karry Ling has some experience in that area?
I have a career OBP of 289 and a career OPS of 652. Screw you Allen Iverson, I, the great Mike DiFelice, am The Answer.
And The Question I suppose is, who sucks worse? Gabor or Me?
Gabor can be happy now
He won’t be the worst catcher, and the #25 man on the roster, after tonight’s game.
Of course, with rosters expanding to 40 men, maybe Bako would be the #37 man on the roster instead of #25.
Come on people, where’s the love??
Sorry for the poor taste, but I’d rather be on American Flight 911 than taken hostage by this stupid Big 10 conversation.
Worst.
Thread.
Ever.
We will keel the Illini scum. On to the Rose Bowl!
Where’s the love? Them three ate it.
When are we gonna get ANY fuggin respect? Ordonez, Gutierrez, Neifi, DiFelice. Do we really suck worse than these bozos? Choi us outta here!!
B.C., when you get your X-Box back, I can hook you up with some games.
Holy crap, did this thing turn into illiniboard.com while I was away? Or something.
Actually, there’s a long and mostly boring reason as to why I use "or something" as a punchline. First off, I can’t resist trying to bail out flimsy points or hackneyed jokes with it. Secondly, it all has to do with my third college roommate. I went through roommates like Murphy Brown went through secretaries. The third one was an overeager freshman named Big Fat Ron. He was Flounder without the charm. He snored like a banshee and the first time I ever met him, I had just stumbled in from a 12 hour drinking binge and had passed out in my room (with my stuff still unpacked from the day before when I ‘moved in’). I was lying on my bed in between milk crates filled with CD’s and the pieces to what would be come a very classy particle board "entertainment center" for the window. I was wearing just a pair of NIU Athletic Dept. shorts with most of the crotch eaten away and for a blanket I had a freshly stolen "WGN Radio and Old Style present Chicago Cubs Baseball" banner. It was about 119 degrees in the room and my mouth felt like I’d just eaten a pound of cat litter.
Ron wakes me up (not a good move on his part) to introduce himself. And he actually said…"I’m Ron…or whatever." Let’s say Ron was a little insecure, so no matter what he said, it always ended with "or whatever."
"I think Jim Harbaugh’s pretty good…or whatever." "I like beer nuggets..or whatever." So over the years, my friends and I continued to use "or whatever" to indicate we weren’t really all that sure about our position on what we’d just said. That has somehow morphed into "or something."
And no, BC, you can’t use it. It’s mine and I’d have Karry call the Desipio lawyer, except he found the stash of Old Granddad we had in the basement and he’s "indisposed."
As for why Pepe has a Hispanic name, I’m not certain. Though I am certain that an 800 pound yak can eat an entire set of curtains in approximately 17 seconds and takes dumps the size of Wendell Kim. Not a good pet.
Andy,
I write for illiniboard.com and I asked BC his thoughts on the football team, so blame me for the Illini-ness of today’s comments.
For my punishment, I will be forced to watch the football team this year and have Matha and Sinclair bust me over the head with a Miller Lite bottle.
The "Tron" costume pictures were great, but the accompanying article is absolutely one of the funniest things that I have ever read. If those Illini fans can get over their fixation for a while and go back and click the hyperlink I am sure that they will thank you for the experience. I, for one, did not know until I read that that people like this exist.
Jay Maynard is the living breathing personification of "Comic Book Guy"
Thank you cbstew. I was so busy forwarding the pictures I forgot to read the article.
"I’d idly pondered a TRON costume in the past.."
The addition of me ensures an NL pennant will wave high over Wrigley.
Desipio has a lawyer? When did this happen?
Well, I wasn’t trying to "steal" from Andy with use of the phrase. I have occasionally said the phrase for a while now… But, if it’s going to be that big a deal, I won’t use it.
I’m going to try to start a Cubs Live! now and see how it works.
Some pics from the event that Mr. Maynard attended are linked below.
http://www.wayne47.com/Penguicon2004/
Any ideas on who the PTBNL’s are?
When is thier next convention?
Ah, it doesn’t matter anyway.
Hey Mark – According to the official website April 22-24, 2005. Plenty of big girls attend this it appears. I say Karry Ling, along with Mark Grace, is sent to cover the event.
http://www.penguicon.org/
Ah yes, you now have Mike DiFelice, the onetime bar-fight king of the Diamondbacks…Sad part is, his career has now outlasted that of the D-Backs as an actual major league franchise. Speaking of which, you can gladly have Mark Grace covering some comic book convention in Chicago and scouting the hall for fat chicks, anything to get him and all his drivel away from our broadcast booth (not that I’m watching very much anymore because the D-Backs are so bad).
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