With all of the babbling the past couple of days by Rob Neyer and Phil Rogers (what a pair, there) about how many wins it’s going to take to win the NL Central, I decided we should just look at the schedule and figure out how many games the Cubs will win in 2004.
The formula we used to come up with these numbers is so scientific and fool proof that I dare not get into the specifics here. So, just trust me.
Let’s see how our heroes will fare in 2004, a good nine weeks before the season even starts.
APRIL
Home games: Pittsburgh (3), Cincinnati (4), Mets (3)
Road games: Cincinnati (3), Atlanta (3), Pittsburgh (3), Arizona (3), St. Louis (1)
The Cubs open in Cincinnati, April 5 at 1:10 p.m. and Desipio will have a live GameCast. So mark your calendars. How odd is it that on January 27 we know we’re doing a GameCast April 5, but we haven’t decided if we’re doing one during Sunday’s Super Bowl? It looks like, as of this writing, that we will be doing the Super Bowl, and we might even hang around and do All-Star Survivor, too. But anyway.
The Cubs home opener is a week later, April 12 at 1:20 p.m. against the Pirates.
April sets up pretty well for the Cubs with patsy AAAA teams like the Pirates, Reds and the ‘revamped’ (hee hee) Mets. I don’t expect the Cubs to break out of the blocks that fast, so I’ll conservatively predict a 9-1 home start and a 10-3 road beginning to the season.
April record, 19-4, overall 19-4
MAY
Home games: Arizona (3), Colorado (3), San Francisco (3), St. Louis (3), Houston (1)
Road games: St. Louis (3), Los Angeles (3), San Diego (3), Houston (2), Pittsburgh (3)
May sets up a little tougher with Phil Rogers’ mighty Rockies, the Cardinals, the Astros and the new look Padres. The Cubs have struggled in St. Louis in recent years, and finally subdued the Astros in Enron (or whatever the hell it is) last year. Again, I hate to be so pessimistic, but I see a mediocre 10-3 road record and a 12-2 home record.
May record, 22-5, overall 41-9
JUNE
Home games: Houston (4), Pittsburgh (3), St. Louis (4), Oakland (3)
Road games: Anaheim (3), Houston (4), St. Louis (3), White Sox (3)
Here’s the toughest month, by far. Six with Houston, seven with St. Louis, the improved Angels for three, the A’s mighty pitching staff for three and the hated White Sox. The Cubs wallowed in June last year and I fear the same will happen this year.
It looks like 12-2 at home and 10-3 on the road. I’m sorry, I hate to be such a wet blanket.
June record, 22-5, overall 63-14
JULY
Home games: Houston (1), White Sox (3), Milwaukee (4), St. Louis (2), Cincinnati (2), Philadelphia (2)
Road games: Milwaukee (7), St. Louis (3), Philadelphia (3)
You figure Jim Hendry will be busy patching whatever leaks spring up in the Cubs ship in July, so continuity could be a problem. I fear that this will be the Cubs weakest month, even though it includes a whopping 11 games with the Brewers.
I see 9-5 at home and a dreadful 8-5 on the road. Hey, I take no joy in giving you this tragic information.
July record, 17-10, overall 81-24
AUGUST
Home games: Philadelphia (1), San Diego (3), Los Angeles (3), Milwaukee (4), Houston (3)
Road games: Colorado (3), San Francisco (3), Milwaukee (3), Houston (3), Montreal (2)
August 1st rolls around the Cubs are done with the Evil Satanic Red Fowl, which is too bad, and they also play their last six games of the year against Houston.
Looks like 12-2 at home, and 10-4 on the road.
August record, 22-6, overall 102-30
SEPTEMBER
Home games: Montreal (3), Florida (3), Pittsburgh (3), Cincinnati (4)
Road games: Montreal (1), Florida (3), Cincinnati (4), Pittsburgh (3), Mets (3)
And finally, the home stretch. Just like last year, it’s full of Reds, Pirates and Mets. So I hope that 101-30 record going into September doesn’t have the Cubs too far behind the mighty Astros.
I see a home record of 12-1 and a road record of 14-0. Cross your fingers. Maybe it will be enough.
September record: 26-1, overall 129-30
OCTOBER
Home games: Atlanta (3)
When you factor in how great the Astros are likely to be (according to Rob Neyer, anyway) you figure the Cubs will need to sweep Atlanta to get in the playoffs–if they have a chance at all. I don’t see that happening. I’m SORRY! I’m a realist.
October record: 2-1, overall 131-31
—-
Will a winning percentage of .808 be enough to get the Cubs into the playoffs? Consider that the Kansas City Chiefs had an .812 winning percentage and lost in their first NFL playoff game. And the NFL invites more teams to the playoffs than baseball does.
Suddenly, I’m queasy.
—-
OK, so that’s absurd, but it was fun. Anyway, looking month-by-month at the Cubs schedule, you can kind of figure out that if they escape June in the hunt, or ahead in the division, it’s over. The team that put the hammer down in August and September last year has a schedule that will allow them to the do the very same thing again.
I’ll be the first to predict party time on September 25 against the Reds in the division clincher. It’s a 1:20 game, so you’d better hurry up and turn in your vacation card. You won’t want to miss the repeat.
—-
Dennis Miller’s new show on CNBC debuted last night and as promised, Dennis has a monkey on the show. Ahh, nothing says serious political discussion quite like a chimp in a diaper. Honestly, for a minute I thought CNBC was simulcasting Jay Mariotti’s new radio show.
The show was alright. First nights are always tough. Dennis interviewed Arnold Schwarzenegger and how bad is it that even Arnold makes Rod Blagojevic look like Eddie Munster? Dennis did “The News” and it sucked. If he needs any writers, I’d be happy to e-mail him a few jokes a few times a week. Every show will end with a panel discussion that he calls, ‘The Varsity.’ Last night the panel included David Horowitz and Naomi Wolf. Naomi’s irritating, but she used to be pretty and now, if you didn’t know better, you’d think she was Monica Lewinsky. Honestly, if the graphic at the bottom of the screen hadn’t said “Naomi Wolf” I’d have thought Lewinsky was on the panel. Ewww.
Dennis’ nightly show won’t be a must watch, but until the Karry Ling Show debuts on MSNBC, it’s the only show of it’s kind worth watching at 8 p.m. weeknights.
—
Rosey on the fan friendly Sox, and other stuff. Oh, by the way, I did a month-by-month breakdown of the Sox and decided they’ll only lose 80 games. That’s not bad. Except I stopped counting in August because I figured they’d probably just close the team down then to save money.
Well, at least one Bull gets to do something at All-Star weekend.
Does anybody not think that Rick Pitino’s non-cancerous “urological-related” ailment is kidney stones? Ouch.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to prattle on about Tom Brady.
The Wizard of Roz tells Sox fans, “It’s not your fault.” It’s not their fault that what?
a) Their mom and their aunt is the same person?
b) They left the propane heater on in the house and burned the place down to its hay bales?
c) They don’t need to wear a scarf on cold days because their mullets keep their necks warm?
What’s not their fault, Roz?
It’s not funny that Aaron Boone will miss the season because he blew out his knee playing basketball. It’s hilarious. Somewhere, Moises Alou is calling him to tell him to use the “I fell off the treadmill” excuse. And Jeff Kent and Ron Gant are laughing, too.
BBC News wonders if Americans haven’t flocked to “The Office” because we don’t get ironic humor. I hope we do get it, otherwise a few thousand of you will think I really think the Cubs are going to win more than 130 games in 2004. Besides, the only reason more Americans don’t watch “The Office” is because only about 11 million of us actually get BBC America.
The Oscar nominations are out. I hope Diane Keaton doesn’t win, just so we don’t have to listen to her blather through another speech and swear on TV again. And yes, I got the irony that Al Pacino, Diane Keaton and Sofia Coppolla all won Golden Globes Sunday night. All we needed was for Andy Garcia to show up and one well placed smart bomb and every trace of Godfather III would have been removed forever.
How big a wuss do you have to be to get beaten up by Al Franken? I shudder to think.
Sorry sir, you can’t mail that. The correct number of stamps won’t fit on it.
The only tape of Dr. J I ever want to see is the one of him swooping all the way under the basket on that finger roll against the Lakers.
America’s finest news source wants us to be on the look out for tiny terrorists hiding, disguised as garden gnomes. I knew those things were up to no good.
That, and the Office is never on BBC Americ’er anymore.
All we really ever want to see is the Office, shyteloads of Monty le P. (in those weird 40-minute intervals), Graham Norton, and maybe — just maybe, a Twiggy or Samantha Fox retrospective.
We’re on every week. I know because my TiVo keeps recording us.
Oh, and we’re the funniest show on TV.
Or at least it used to be, Jeff. You (actually actor Richard Coyle) left the show to star in "Strange." Sounds like a David Caruso move to me.
Bad news Cubs fans, things are bleaker than Andy thinks, he made a math error, and the Cubs will only win 130 games this year. Maybe that’s enough for the wild card.
Actually, his math error corrects itself. He has a total record of 81-24 at the end of July, when it should be 80-24, but then the end of month record in August is correct at 102-30. So the total’s right.
I am not pleased.
Mrs. Marshall?
Is that you?
Before before he settled on a minor-league contract with the Rockies, pitcher Shawn Estes had decided to change his life. After a difficult season with the Chicago Cubs, Estes relocated his family to Paradise Valley, Ariz., and began working out with former teammates Bill Mueller and Russ Ortiz.
"A lot of things are stoking my fire, a lot of things I have heard and read. I just feel like I have wasted the last two years of my career," Estes said Monday. "I didn’t have the right focus. I am motivated to get it back."
Estes, 30, signed a $600,000 minor-league deal with the Rockies, tantalized by the opportunity of reviving his career. Equipped with a different mind-set, "You have to adjust when you don’t have a roster spot," he admitted – Estes will throw more in preparation for spring training, focusing on his changeup.
"They don’t want this to be a one-year rental, and neither do I," Estes said. "If I show them what I am capable of doing, I wouldn’t be surprised if they try to keep me for more than one season."
Shame on you guys!
My pants only went for $46!
But my smelly shoes went for $237.50!
Somebody paid $26.05 for my hat!!!
Hey, why do Kyle’s unis get so much attention? I’ve wound up on dozens of bedroom floors in Lincoln Park alone. That’s gotta be worth something on eBay, huh?
yep, that sounds like a reasonable record for the upcoming Cubs season on MVP 2004
It’s gonna take more that 132 wins to take the central now! I signed with Houston today!
Correction for July
Home games: Milwaukee (4)
Road games: Milwaukee (7)
Wouldn’t this basically be 11 home games?
Hey Dave, think you can get me a job?
Let me get this straight. Al Franken wanted to preserve free speech by tackling a guy who was shouthing down Howard Dean. Isn’t shouting down free speech, only louder? As for Al being a "wrestler" I’m sure there are a few male prostitutes that would agree.
Wrestling ring?
Where?
Al Franken is one of the biggest no-talent douchebags in "show business". He never has been funny, and his foray into politics just makes him look like even a bigger goof.
It’s those damn Larouchies again.
Oh, wait, that was me.
Dave, you mixed up names again. Surely you meant to write "DENNIS MILLER is one of the biggest no-talent douchebags in ‘show business.’ He never has been funny, and his foray into politics just makes him look like even a bigger goof."
Boys,boys,boys. Lets ignore the Franken vs. Miller controversy and be grateful that Joe Piscapo isn’t able to grasp politics. He is the mother of all ex-SNL no-talent douchebags.
I hope the Cubs like their schedule. They choked last year and killed our TV ratings. This year we’re going to try and give them a bye right to the World Series.
If you want, I’ll let you play the Brewers 50 times.
Would that help?
I thought I was the king of no-talent SNL douchebags?
Hey! What about me?
Ahem. I was in Boat Trip, The New Guy and Tomcats, and on SNL I’m essentially the sidekick to Jimmy Fallon. I am the KING of no talent hacks!
The Sloth thinks I’m:
OVER-RATED! clap-clap-clapclapclap
OVER-RATED! clap-clap-clapclapclap
No, Jimmy, you just have a problem with me that would rival both Belushis.
Talk of "no-talent" douchebags and I don’t get a mention until NOW?
Even I’M scared.
Ooohh…to have Adam Sandler’s talent!
Hey, I was on "Curb Your Enthusiasm" on Sunday!
Considering pointless stuff, I should have a column coming in to Desipio/NBC world headquarters fairly soon.
And, Horatio Sanz is definitely the winner (loser?) of the no-talent race on SNL.
B.C., aren’t you forgetting someone?
I think [Kevin Nealon] that there is [Kevin Nealon] not a single [Kevin Nealon] former cast member [Kevin Nealon] who was useless. [Kevin Nealon] Except, maybe [Kevin Nealon] for Colin Quinn.
Can anyone spare a dime for a cup of coffee?
Knock it off guys, none of you come close to any of us.
So, I pitch and I catch.
What’s the big deal?
Ohhh, for a long one!
Christianity taught that men ought to be as chaste as pagans thought honest women ought to be; the contraceptive morality teaches that women need to be as little chaste as pagans thought men need be. by free online poker